Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  ''Jeremy.'' She used my full name, not just my nickname. ''I love you.''

  My heart skipped a beat and the blood drained from my face. ''What?''

  She chuckled. ''You heard me, smart ass.''

  ''Say it again, sweets. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words.''

  Avery smiled shyly. ''I love you, Jeremy.''

  ''And I love you, Avery.'' My life was now complete. I had her heart and it felt so freaking good. I lifted her chin up, so she would look me in the eyes. ''I love you, Avery, and I will keep telling you that, every day of your life.''

  She smiled and her eyes were swimming in a sea of tears. I was on the verge of crying happy tears myself. For ten years I’d been hopelessly in love with her and finally, she was mine.

  She kissed me again but this time, I didn’t let her go. I pulled her closer to me, if it was even possible, and we made out on the couch for ages, hugging, kissing and touching one another. We were acting like teenagers, but nothing was going to stop us, not even the phone which rang at least a dozen times. I don’t think Avery even noticed, she was focused and holding me with such intensity.

  We ended up in our bedroom and I made love to her for the very first time, pouring all my love and passion into this woman whom I’d wanted for so very long. I let go of every fear, knowing she was finally mine to love. Mine.

  We stayed under the covers, staring into each other’s eyes, for a long time. Her eyes were different, I could see a light in them which had been missing for a while. I hoped I was the reason behind it. God, she was so pretty. Her pink cheeks, her luscious lips and her baby blue eyes, all of these things were now mine to cherish. ''You are so beautiful, sweets.''

  She blushed again and chuckled. ''Why do you call me sweets?''

  I smiled at her. ''Because you’re a sweetheart, you taste sweet and I love sweets.''

  Her cheeks turned bright red this time, even as she rolled her eyes at me. ''You really have it hard for me, don't you?''

  I laughed. ''You have no idea, Avery... Hmmm. I mean sweets. Now come here and kiss me one last time before we go back to reality. You need to shower before Megan gets here, and I need to check who called while we were busy.''

  ''Someone called?''

  I was right, she hadn’t heard the phone ringing. ''Yeah, hopefully it’s the landlord calling about the house.''

  She rushed out of bed and ran to the phone to see who had called. ''It’s her, Remy! It’s her!''

  ''Okay, Speedy Gonzales, now go take your shower before Megan gets here and sees you butt naked and I'm going to call the landlord.''

  ''You are so bossy, sometimes.''

  I spanked her behind, not too hard, just enough to sting a little. ''Yep, and you like it.''

  She laughed and locked herself in the bathroom. I brushed a hand across my face, wondering if this was real, or an extremely pleasant dream. My mind couldn’t believe what had happened in the past few hours. Avery really loved me, and she’d finally said it.

  I called the lady and as I’d expected, we were approved as tenants and could move in two weeks from now. This was good news, very good news. I liked Avery’s house, but it wasn’t my place. It was Carter's. As much as I was trying to convince myself it was okay to be living here, I was unable to feel completely comfortable with the situation. Maybe if I didn’t know Carter, it would have been different, but I’d been in this house when they were together and it felt all wrong to be sharing the house with Avery, now Carter was gone.

  Avery came out of the bathroom, her body barely hidden beneath a small towel and her hair still wet. She had droplets of water running down her shoulders. In moments like this, what I loved about Avery was that she had no idea how hot and desirable she was. ''So?''

  ''It’s ours!'' She screamed so loud it hurt my ears and then she ran to me, the towel forgotten on the floor as she jumped into my arms, butt naked. It was hilarious, Avery was such a goofball sometimes.

  ''We got it, we got it! It’s real now Remy, it’s real!'' she exclaimed. ''We'll be able to start afresh and arrange the house the way we both want it!''

  Seeing her so happy made me smile and the fact that she was completely naked was an added bonus. ''It’s something I think we both needed. Now go get dressed, before things get out of control.''

  She grabbed her towel from the floor, and twisted her hair into it on her way back to the bathroom. A couple of seconds later, I could hear her singing some of her favorite songs from Lana Del Rey. Singing while getting herself ready was part of her routine, and I loved every moment of it. Ave wasn’t the best singer, but the singing helped her start her day. It was therapeutic.

  In the meantime, Megan called to ask if we’d eaten dinner yet, but since we had been a little preoccupied for the past few hours, dinner was far from prepared. She offered to bring dinner over to our house, and there was no way I would refuse her. Megan had a passion for cooking, her food was always delicious and I was starving. With a happy grin, I got dressed.

  ~~~ * ~~~

  ''What?'' Megan sat on a chair by the table. ''You guys are together? Like, together together?'' she asked. She looked stunned, and handed Juliet her coloring kit while she continued to stare at Avery and I. Juliet took the pad and markers and walked into the living room.

  I just nodded, but Avery felt the need to explain herself. ''Yes, together as in being a couple. After Carter’s death, Remy moved in with me, as you know. We were trying to take care of each other, as friends would do in the circumstances. We were both suffering and coping with Carter’s death was so hard. At first, everything was as it’s always been between us, but after a while, well, things evolved between us. The way we looked at each other changed, but nothing really happened until he came back from Afghanistan.'' She was getting teary as she spoke, and I wanted to reach for her hand, but I decided to wait until she was done talking. ''When I thought Remy might have died, I just lost it, as you know. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and it hurt so much just to think about it. In our last emails while he was still deployed, we had been talking about his feelings, so I’d expected something might happen when he got back.''

  ''I don’t know what to say... other than, I didn’t see this coming.''

  ''I didn’t think it would take off as fast as it has, but I’m really happy with Remy. He's a good man.'' Avery said, glancing across at me. ''I've known him for years already.

  ''What about your feelings for... Carter?'' Megan asked quietly.

  ''I'll always love him, Megan, always. But I can never get him back. There isn’t a single day which goes by where I don’t think about him and I know it’s the same for Remy. We’re dealing with this together.''

  Megan frowned. ''Can I ask you something?'' She’d taken Avery by surprise and Avery looked uneasy, but agreed regardless. ''Are you happy?''

  Avery paused, taking time to think about Megan’s question. ''Remy makes me happy. He’s taking good care of me and I love caring for him. I truly believe we are good together.'' A tear rolled down her cheek, but she brushed it away with the back of her hand. We’re still adjusting to the changes in our relationship, but I think we'll be fine.'' She chuckled. ''We’re about to take one major step. We visited a nice rental house this morning and we’re approved as tenants. We’re moving in on May 1st.''

  ''Wow, you guys have it bad. It’s insane!'' Megan couldn’t seem to believe her ears. ''I really do understand though. I've seen the two of you together and I saw the connection between you. I hope you’re both going to be happy. You deserve it.''

  Avery didn’t need to say anything, she opted instead for a hug, falling into Megan's arms and crying. I knew Ave had been nervous about this, and it obviously went a lot better than she thought it would. Megan was sweet and cared for Avery. They had become really close friends. I knew with Megan’s acceptance, everything would be alright.

  ''It’s so good to see you smile, Avery.'' Megan murmured.

  I decided to let them enjoy
their ‘girl moment’ and went to get the empty boxes in the shed.

  ''Where are you going, young man?'' Megan called after me.

  ''Huh?''

  She motioned for me to come to her and she hugged me as well. ''It’s good to have you back in one piece.''

  ''Patrick will be back soon, Megan. Stay strong.'' I meant every word. I knew how hard it was to be away from a loved one.

  ''Thank you!”

  She let go and I went to pick up the boxes. The sooner we could start packing, the better it would be. I hate packing, and unpacking is even worse. I tried to motivate myself, thinking that it was for a good cause, but it still sucked.

  While the girls were working in the kitchen, warming up the dinner, I started packing the living room. Most of my stuff was still packed, so that wasn’t a problem. We just needed to take care of the kitchen, living room, bedrooms and bathroom. We were going to need these two weeks to get everything packed, especially with Avery working part-time at the daycare with Liam.

  Ugh! I didn’t want to think about him, because he pissed me off every single time. I’d only seen him a handful of times and he always played games, as if Avery was his. He was trying to be all nice around her, watching me from the corner of his eyes. I was never the jealous type, but I didn’t fucking well need him between Ave and me. She was mine and he stood no chance, and I just wanted him to fuck off and leave us alone. Damn! Once again, just the thought of him was getting me all pumped up. I shook my head to push the thought away and continued packing. Juliet started helping me, by placing the DVD's and CD's in the box. I liked being around her, she really was a real precious little girl, always smiling and happy. Within five minutes, we were done packing all the movies and music.

  ''Food is ready!'' Avery called.

  ''Coming!'' Juliet answered, and it made me laugh. Our house was like her second home and she was totally at ease around here.

  The smell lingering in the kitchen was mouth-watering. There was a mix of seafood, including shrimps and lots of south-west spicy ingredients. I was starving and couldn’t wait to grab my plate.

  ''A Shrimp Jambalaya for you, my friends!'' Megan and Avery brought our plates to the table and it looked amazing.

  ''Megan, Avery, would you like some wine?'' I offered, and they both accepted. Avery and I enjoyed drinking wine during dinner, it was becoming one of our routines.

  We ate, talked and laughed. Megan never asked any more regarding us and our relationship. She’d accepted it and didn’t act any differently around us. I could tell Avery was relieved, by the smile on her face, and the sound of her constant laughter. After dinner, while I took care of the dishes, Megan offered to help with packing. They started with the kitchen, the cabinets were full of items and they packed what we wouldn’t be needing for the next two weeks. I left the girls alone, they were having a really good time together and it made me happy to see Avery so free and joyful.

  Juliet came with me into the living room, and I turned on the TV and let her watch the cartoons. I packed Avery's throw collection. I have no idea why, but she keeps buying new throws. I knew she liked watching TV whilst hiding under a warm blanket, but she had a least ten different ones now. I just rolled my eyes at her throw obsession and packed them into a box. I added frames in between each blanket, ensuring they wouldn’t break during our move. Once I had everything in the boxes, I moved on to the guest room. There wasn’t much to be done in there. We only had the furniture, two large bed frames. I checked the wardrobe and found lots of boxes with Carter's name on them and my heart broke a little. I decided not to touch his stuff, I had taken enough from him already. Avery would have to decide what to do with them. Looking at the boxes gave me the chills, a reminder that this was all we had left of him. It saddened me because I missed him a lot. He’d left a huge void inside me.

  After finishing the guestroom, I decided I’d had enough for the night. I stopped packing and moped around a little, still in a funk after seeing Carter’s stuff. I settled onto the couch with Juliet and we watched cartoons with her snuggled on my lap. She quickly fell asleep and I dozed off with her. For a brief instant, I wished she was my daughter. I couldn’t wait to have a baby of my own with Avery.

  I woke up in the middle of the night with a blanket thrown over me. Avery. I didn’t want to spend a night away from her, so we met again in our bed and I tucked my arms around her. I kissed Avery goodnight, brushing my fingers across her angelic face. Damn, I loved her. My sweet little girl.

  29.

  April 30th, 2008

  Avery

  When we told Megan about our relationship, she reacted really well and we knew Patrick would no doubt soon be informed and probably the rest of the team soon after. Remy never seemed worried about it, he said he knew what to tell them when the inevitable questions came. He had better control over the situation and I was very thankful for that. When the rest of the boys returned home, Patrick and Megan stopped by our house and Patrick wished us well. He said he knew we had been close friends for a very long time and that maybe us getting together after Carter’s death was meant to be.

  Moving day was tomorrow, we were ninety-nine percent finished with the packing. We were both exhausted and sad to leave Fort Bragg. We had a lot of good memories of living here, after enlisting when we were barely more than teenagers and now, over ten years later we were leaving it all behind. I cried, knowing it was my final goodbye to my life with Carter. We’d had a good time together, he was a real gentleman and I would always remember him as he was on our wedding day. Beautiful, proud and bursting with happiness. I decided to bring his things with us, as I wasn’t ready to go through everything yet. All of his notebooks, clothes, books and army keepsakes would be moving with us into our new home.

  We took one last walk around the base yesterday, and we met Gregory, who was a bit surprised to discover the rumours were true. Without hesitation, Remy told him we were both coping with Carter's death, but we were now very much in love. "You never know when you're going to fall in love, you just do," Remy told Gregory. He gave us a funny look, cocking one eyebrow. ''I always knew you had a thing for her, Remy.'' He chuckled. ''I'm happy for you, man. You’d better take good care of her.''

  ''I will. You don't need to worry about that,'' Remy replied.

  We walked hand in hand for over an hour, staying silent for the most part. Precious memories would pop into my head as we passed buildings and places which sparked them. From the first day I spent here, far away from home, to the first night I spent together with Remy, a lot had happened. I was more mature now, ready to settle down and have a normal life.

  The big day had finally arrived. I was drinking my morning coffee and looking out the window, caught up in my own thoughts. The sun was slowly rising, its orange rays already warming the air. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t cry again today, I’d done enough crying last night. Today represented the beginning of a new adventure, a new chapter in my life and I had to embrace it. I heard Remy come into the kitchen behind me.

  ''Sweets, are you okay?'' His soft lips brushed across the bare skin of my shoulder. With his strong arms encircling my waist, my heartbeat accelerated. I nodded silently in answer to his question. ''I love you, girl.'' His nose caressed the soft spot below my ear.

  ''I love you too, soldier.''

  We gazed out the window together. I loved the feeling of being in his arms, I felt safe and cherished. We were quiet, the only sound the gentle whisper of us breathing.

  ''We're going to be happy together, I know we will.'' Remy whispered against my neck.

  ''I know. You make me happy, babes.'' I turned around to give him a gentle kiss.

  Remy had a single tear escaping his eye. He brushed it away with the sleeve of his t-shirt.

  ''Are you okay?''

  ''Yeah, yeah... I'm okay.'' He kissed me back. ''I'm just really happy.''

  His green eyes were bright and devoid of all the pain I’d seen before. I believed him, because I was hap
py, too.

  I moved as many of the boxes into the kitchen as I could, to make it easier for the guys who were helping to move us to our new home. I’d forbidden Remy from lifting any of the boxes, he could easily reinjure himself and we really didn’t have the time to take him to hospital. He tried to fight me over it, but he knew it was a lost cause.

  Patrick and Megan were the first to arrive and Megan helped empty the refrigerator. It was the only thing left to deal with in the kitchen. Gregory, William, Julia and Jaimee all arrived at the same time and the men starting packing the the boxes and furniture into the moving truck right away. It all happened a lot fast than I thought it would.

  The house was soon empty and it felt very strange. I had chills running down my spine as I moved from room to room. It felt as if Carter was in the house with me. I was the only one inside, making a last minute inspection to ensure we had everything. In our bedroom, I closed my eyes for a brief moment. ''Goodbye Carter. I'll always love you,'' I whispered. I ignored the urge to cry, I had to remain strong and move on. Today was a good day, I kept repeating in my mind.

  When I closed the door for the very last time, I felt a small pinch in my heart, but knew I didn't have a choice, I had to leave. The moving truck had already left and so had everyone else. It was only Remy and I now, and he watched me carefully.

  ''Is everything okay? Do we have everything?''

  ''Yes... we do.'' I forced a smile, but knew it didn’t reach my eyes.

  We drove to our new home and once we got there, I discovered our friends had already started unpacking. Most of the boxes were on the porch, or sitting in the driveway. From what I could see, they were concentrating on the furniture, making sure the heaviest pieces were in place. When I stepped into the house, I was glad to see the refrigerator was already plugged in and so was the stove. Julia and Jaimee were cleaning the kitchen cabinets and Megan was cleaning the floors in every room. The kids were running around in the yard at the back of the house. At that precise moment, I knew I had done the right thing. I had great friends, a wonderful boyfriend and infinite possibilities for the future.