by Sandy Loyd
“I know you’re angry and you have every right to be. I wish I could make it up to you.”
“Oh really?” Irritation rose up her spine. “Well, you’re off the hook. I’m not angry. Not anymore. But I have one question.”
His nod indicated that she continue.
“How were you planning to make it up to me when we rarely spend any time together?” Now that she’d finally let loose a little, why hold back? “I’m tired of it.” Straightening, she crossed her arms and frowned. “Look, James, there’s no good way to say this, so I’ll be blunt.”
About to take a drink, he hesitated and eyed her warily.
“I’m calling it quits,” she blurted out, just as he managed a sip.
He almost choked on his wine. His eyebrows shot up and his eyes got round. “You’re what?”
“I’m breaking up with you.
“Breaking up?” he asked, as if trying to take it all in.
“My news obviously shocks you. I don’t understand why.” Kate shook her head. “Isn’t it what you want?”
When he continued to stare at her, dumbfounded, she said, “Come on, James. Don’t act like you don’t have a clue about why.”
He stiffened. “That’s hitting below the belt, don’t you think?”
“Are you denying your actions don’t mean anything?”
“Well…no,” he said, still appearing slightly confused.
Her gaze narrowed. “So you choose to be an ass instead of talking.”
He held up a hand. “Wait a min—”
She cut him off and said, “Am I wrong?” Under her scrutiny, he squirmed as an embarrassed flush colored his cheeks. “For the past six months, you’ve been a total jerk. I’m through putting up with it,” she said, after taking a deep breath, thankful to have actually said her piece before chickening out.
“So, this is it?” His jaw dropped as realization set in. “You’re actually pushing me out the door. After all we’ve been through?” He blinked. Then took another sip of wine. A moment later, he wiped his face. “I can’t believe it.”
“Well, believe it. This is serious.” She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists, stilling the urge to smack him. “You know damn well you don’t love me,” she said, knowing without a doubt it was the truth.
He grimaced. Several emotions crossed his face, the biggest being regret.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you care.” She averted her gaze so she wouldn’t be swayed by it. “I’m not changing my mind.”
“I do care. Just not enough,” he said, placing warm fingers over hers and squeezing. “I’m sorry.”
She snatched her hand away and glared. “Apologizing isn’t enough, either.”
“Okay. I understand you want to break up.” He took a deep breath and nodded. “But I can’t help but wonder what started all this. Why give me my walking papers now?”
“I thought I already told you what started it,” she huffed, totally annoyed with his hardheadedness. “You did by your actions.”
“But I was working. You know how I am about my designs.”
“Yeah, I know,” she shot back. “Work is your first love. I finally got smart and realized what a jerk you’ve been. Did you think that I would bow and scrape for your attention forever?”
“Is that how you saw it? Begging for my attention?”
When she nodded, he sighed. “I can’t deny being a jerk about the way I’ve treated you, but I do care about you.” He eyed her carefully.
Again, she spotted something akin to remorse in that blue gaze and, rather than allow it to soften her stance, she decided to use it to firm her resolve.
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Tears formed. She blinked them back, but a few escaped. She wiped her eyes.
“I wanted us to work out.” His gaze focused on the rim of his wineglass as he traced a drop of condensation. “I really tried to commit. I just can’t bring myself to that point, not yet. Which means neither one of us is happy.”
Great. Now she was crying in front of him. But damn it all, saying good-bye to a dream wasn’t easy, not when his expression held such sadness.
“And I bear the brunt of the blame. I’m sorry,” he whispered, clearly choked up. “You’re absolutely right. You didn’t deserve to be treated so callously. I never thought about how it affected you, but you have to know I honestly never wanted to hurt you.” He brushed her tears away with the tips of his fingers and begged, “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry my actions led us to this. I’ve never liked making you cry. It makes me feel like a jerk.”
She snorted, trying to smile. “You are a jerk.”
He flashed a self-deprecating smile. “I do care about you,” he said, meeting her gaze, sincerity evident in his. “I truly wish things were different.”
“I’m not crying over you,” she said, not liking the fact that his words and actions were of the man she originally fell in love with. “I’m crying because of all the wasted years I’ve spent dreaming of how things could be between us.”
“Something else to regret.” He sighed wistfully and looked away. “I should have had the guts to be more vocal.”
“You’re right about one thing. We aren’t meant to be. Paul figured it out. I guess that’s why he always gave me such a hard time.”
“Paul?” He sent her a questioning look.
She cleared her throat and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “He told me I take too much of your shit. And he was right.”
“I see.” James grunted. “But right or not, he sometimes overstepped his boundaries. There were times I wanted to bash his face in for his snide comments.”
She smiled through dried tears. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“At least you’re smiling about it now.” He offered her a lopsided grin. “Am I forgiven for not wanting to give you up?”
“That’s so lame.” Her smile inched wider. Leave it to James to say something like that.
“What’s lame about it?” He grinned. “You have to admit, we’re comfortable together most of the time.”
She quirked a brow. “Most of the time? What do you mean? And why did you let it continue for so long if that was how you felt?”
“I’m going for honesty, okay?” He caught her gaze and waited. When she nodded, he took a deep breath and continued. “Kate, when there’s something you want or some idea you get in your head, you’re like a steamroller pushing through, flattening every objection in your path. At first, I thought it refreshing to be with such a take-charge woman. You were fun, accomplished, and we had a lot in common. I liked you and it was easy. Then when you told me you loved me, I got more caught up in your exuberance. No one wanted us to work out more than me. But I wasn’t at the same place you were, and rather than going along for the ride like I did, I should’ve been more up front about it.”
He shrugged. “My only defense is that I do love you and I kept thinking I’d change. You’re bright, gorgeous, fun to be around, and you are incredibly sexy. What’s not to love? But when you started talking marriage, I knew for sure it wasn’t the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. That’s when I backed away. You deserve someone who’s sure. And you’re right to kick my butt to the curb.”
A bubble of laughter formed, and she tried to contain it. The irony of the situation was too strong, however, and she gave up. Her laughter erupted.
James raised one eyebrow in question. She answered truthfully because the moment seemed to require honesty. “That’s funny because I finally realized I don’t love you enough either.” Then, she smacked his upper arm with the back of her hand. “Maybe if you’d been more honest sooner, we wouldn’t have wasted so much time on the wrong person.”
“That insult hurts. Almost as much as being dumped.” A pained expression moved over his face. “I don’t care much for either one.” He reached for his wine. “But I owe you, so I’ll survive.” Befor
e he took a drink, he caught her gaze. “Since we can’t be lovers anymore, can we at least be friends?”
She offered a genuine smile. “I’d like that.”
Their perky waitress reappeared with their meals and began serving, talking a mile a minute in the process.
James waited until she was out of earshot. “So, now that we’ve established friendship and are being honest, I’m curious. What really happened to bring all this on? Why now?”
“I’m not really sure how it started.” Kate shrugged and ate a few bites before continuing. “I guess when this weekend didn’t turn out like I wanted it to, I started questioning everything.”
“And nothing happened?” James asked, examining her face closely.
She had to avert her gaze. “Are we back to that?” She refocused on her seafood linguine.
“Yeah. It’s hard to wrap my head around it all. A week ago, you were gung-ho to plan a wedding, and now you’re breaking up. It’s not logical. Something must have happened.”
“What difference does it make?”
James thought about her question for a few minutes. Then, he shrugged. “I don’t know. It seems like a puzzle to be solved.”
Shaking her head, she smiled at his relentless pursuit. “Like a dog with a bone?”
He picked up his fork. “No, Kate. That’s you,” he teased, as a slight smile formed. “In fact, that’s why this seems so surreal.”
She laughed. “Was I really so bad?”
“No. Not for the right person. You have to admit, you are one tenacious woman.” He sighed and took a bite. After swallowing, he added, “That by itself was a turn-on. What guy doesn’t want all that attention? It was flattering for a while.” He shrugged. “But then, I guess I just took it for granted.” He hesitated. “Maybe if you hadn’t been so aggressive in your pursuit and forced things to happen, instead of waiting for things to develop naturally, things would be different between us. I don’t know. But I do know I took a coward’s way out and pushed you aside, which didn’t help.”
Honesty had a few drawbacks. Until that moment, it never dawned on her that by chasing him for so long, she bore the brunt of responsibility for their problems. She’d always thought that going after what she wanted was a good thing, but she never realized the impact it had on others around her. She had been pushy and aggressive. Recognizing this, she could finally view his actions through different eyes.
She smiled. “I can see us as friends.” How could she not have him for a friend when he’d been such a huge part of her life? Besides, she did care about him and always would.
James returned her smile. “And friends should tell friends what really happened.”
“Now look who’s being tenacious.” A quick laugh bubbled up when his expression said he wasn’t about let it go. “Okay—you’re right.” She had to hand him something. Otherwise, he might keep digging until he unearthed her feelings for Paul. “I have a date tomorrow night with someone I met two years ago.”
“You’re kidding?” Total surprise lit his face. “I never would have guessed that.” He was silent for several seconds before asking, “So, who is it? Someone I know?”
She groaned. “What is this, the Spanish Inquisition? Why is my love life suddenly so important?”
“You’re already in love with him?” James asked in horror. His hand went to his chest. “Why don’t you just go for the jugular?”
“It’s not like that. Mike’s not you, but he’s a lot of fun.”
“So his name’s Mike and he’s fun?” He shook his head. “My radar must be getting rusty. I thought for sure something happened between you and Paul.”
“Oh?” She worked to keep her tone even. James couldn’t know what went on and she wasn’t about to enlighten him. “That’s pretty far-fetched. We did become friends, but that’s it.” She stared off into space. “After spending time with Mike, I started to question things. He was nice and treated me like I was special. I gave him a few pointers on skiing powder, and we rode back to the city together with three other friends. He’s taking me to dinner as a thank-you. That’s it. I’m not sure I’m looking for anything more serious right now.”
He nodded, then took a long sip, and sighed. “I wish you the best. I hope it works out with this new guy.”
“Thanks, James.” She heaved a sigh of relief and smiled. “I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ve definitely quit being the pursuer.” Thinking of Paul, she added, “If he wants me, he knows where I am.” She looked at James thoughtfully, and said, “What about you?”
“Me?” Taken aback, James shook his head. “I’m a lost cause.”
“Oh, come on! You’re not so bad.”
“You need proof? Look at us! I rest my case,” he teased.
“Why do you say that? You have a lot to offer someone.”
“What good is it when I can’t commit.” He grimaced. “I seem to recall hearing those exact words popping out of your mouth too many times to count.”
“Just don’t concentrate on work so much. You have to admit it makes you a little self-absorbed and even selfish.” Looking back, he’d used work as a wall to buffer her tenacity. But someday he’d meet someone who’d breach his defenses. “You never know what’s around the corner,” she said, remembering how in less than one week her life had become topsy-turvy thanks to one man. Kate’s grin spread. “Someday, when you least expect it, someone is going to knock you off your feet.” When that happened, he’d commit. “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
“Yeah, right!” he snorted. “And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.” Clearly not wanting to dwell on her words, he changed the subject.
They talked several minutes about the powder and how much snow fell. He was hoping the snow would stay until the end of the week. He’d planned to surprise her with taking Friday off to make it up to her.
“What about you?” he asked. “Why don’t you come up too?”
She cleared her throat, unable to think of how to answer. “I’ll think about it,” she said, evading his searching eyes. She had to avoid Paul, which created a major dilemma.
She’d always had free use of the Morrison Tahoe house.
“Since we’re no longer an item, it’s probably not a good idea to continue using your house,” she said, hoping he’d buy that excuse because he’d wonder why she wouldn’t be the first one on the slopes this Saturday.
“That’s silly!” James shook his head. “You’ll always be welcome.”
She scrunched up her nose. “I’d just feel uncomfortable.”
He shrugged. “Well, if you change your mind, it’s available. Paul and I are the only ones who use it in the winter. I know my parents think of you as family, so they’ll never mind.” He paused, then frowned. “Come to think of it, they’re going to take this breakup hard.”
“So is my mom,” Kate said with a sigh. “I so wanted to be engaged by Chrissie’s wedding.”
“I am sorry about that.” His gaze zeroed in on hers again. “Tell me you’ll think about coming up this weekend. Because if you go, I won’t feel like such a jerk for your having to face your family in Chicago as a single person.”
“What’s this? Trying to buy me off with your house?” she said.
“Maybe. You have to admit, your presence this weekend will go a long way toward easing my conscience.”
“Let me think about it.” Apparently, James made a much better friend than he ever had a lover. She never thought things would turn out this way, but it felt right. Who knew the idea of going skiing with James would be a fitting end to their relationship? “I’ll let you know.”
Chapter 14
Paul glanced at his watch. He sat at the bar in RJ’s on Chestnut Street, nursing a glass of chardonnay. Judith was due any moment. His thoughts, however, were on Kate, and James’ phone call the day before. His brother’s casual mention of Kate and their upcoming date ate a hole in his gut. She obviously hadn’t broken things off. He
didn’t want to care that she hadn’t, but he did. Plus, he didn’t want to be envious of their relationship, but he was.
To make matters worse, he had to be careful about what he said and how he said it around James. All part of the competitive game of one-upping they played, sibling rivalry at its best, where neither missed an opportunity to goad the other.
James was sharp. Paul had already caught the speculation in his brother’s voice over his reluctance to discuss the weekend. He could have kicked himself after telling James to have fun and to treat Kate right. He snorted and rolled his eyes.
Talk about giving him an invitation to dig in deeper!
Since returning from Tahoe, he’d immersed himself in work to keep from going crazy. Unfortunately, after his conversation with James, investing money and seeing it grow failed to provide the usual escape.
He wanted to storm over to Kate’s apartment and shake some sense into her. His desire to force her to see that she and James were wrong for each other was driving him nuts. Jealousy over the fact that she’d gone out with his brother last night had also reared its ugly head, and Paul didn’t much like the feeling. Not toward James. And to top it all off? He now had to deal with Judith, who’d arranged to meet him for dinner. That had been another gut-eating phone conversation, to be sure. Especially when he’d zoned in on her solemn tone, indicating their meal would include one of her ‘talks’ about ‘friendship.’
He shook his head and frowned. He looked forward to seeing her, but also dreaded it, wishing she didn’t feel the need to set things right one more time.
He’d done some soul-searching over the last few days, and had concluded that Judith had always been upfront and honest. In all the time he’d known her, other than those few weeks they’d discussed marriage, she’d never wavered about just being friends. He had simply never accepted her words at face value.
He looked up just as Judith stepped through the door.
“I need one of those,” she said, nearing the bar and nodding at his drink.
“Bad day?” he asked, meeting her gaze. He then signaled the bartender and ordered a glass of BV cabernet—her favorite.