Love All the People (New Edition)

by Bill Hicks

  Boy, I tell you, politics does make for strange bedfellows. That’s true, man. I read a quote in the paper two days after the election from Saddam Hussein, and ah he said – oh, they had to wait two days to get a quote from him, you know. They had to wait for him to quit gut-laughing . . . some bunker in Baghdad, you know: ‘Aaah-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Haah! The elephant is dead.’ Saddam Hussein says in this quote, ‘We have nothing against America. We just want to see George Bush beheaded and his head kicked down the road like a soccer ball.’ And I was thinking, that’s so weird, cos . . . that’s what I wanted to see. Wow, me and Hussein, we’re like this. Who woulda thunk it?

  ‘He’s a Hitler.’ You know, they find out, you know, Bush has been selling weapons to Iraq since whenever, and we knew that – I knew that, during the Persian Gulf War those intelligence reports would come in:

  ‘Iraq – incredible weapons, incredible . . . weapons.’

  ‘How do y’all know that?’

  ‘Well . . . we looked at the receipt. But as soon as that cheque clears, we’re goin’ in. What time’s the bank open? Eight? We’re goin’ in at nine . . . for God and country, and he’s a Hitler, and hey, look, a foetus, so whatever you need, let’s go! Whatever you, the apathetic, docile masses, need to get behind– here, here’s a foetus. Come on!’

  ‘Ah, it’s a little foetus, look. It’s a little foetus. I hate this man all of a sudden. He’s a Hit— he’s holdin’ a little foetus.’

  I tell you one thing: I’m glad fuckin’ Bush lost to get rid of those pro-life fucks off my TV! That little foetus got more TV time than I did last year, goddamn it! I don’t know who that little foetus’ agent is, but goddamn it, that little foet– he was on more TV than me! He had some agent.

  ‘You’re gonna be big one day, kid. You’re gonna be huge. I’m gonna have you swimmin’ in pools of formaldehyde, kid. You’re gonna be a big foetus, oh yeah. I’m gonna have you the wacky next-door-neighbour foetus, kid. You’re gonna be huge. Move out to LA, kid. I’ll introduce you to some of Drew Barrymore’s children.’

  Yes, come on. Let it out. Let it out! LET IT OUT!

  But you know, I’m just so sick of this whole deal. We arm the world, we arm these little countries and then we send troops over to blow the shit out of ’em, you know? We’re like the, we’re like the bullies of the world right now, do you know that? We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet.

  ‘Pick it up.’

  ‘I don’t wanna pick it up, mister. You’ll shoot me.’

  ‘Pick up the gun.’

  ‘Look, mister. I don’t want no trouble. I just came to town to get some hard-rock candy for my kids and some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but . . . she goes through about four or five rolls a week of that stuff. I don’t want no trouble, mister.’

  ‘Pick up the gun. (three gunshots) You all saw him: he had a gun.’

  Another great thing about ah . . . ’bout ah Bush being gone, it ends twelve years of fundamentalist Christians . . . in the fuckin’ White House. Thank you, God. Finally my prayer got through. I was on hold with that prayer for about eight years, with fuckin’ ringing: ‘God, help us. God, are you there? Surely this is a really bad fuckin’ joke, God. This B-actor idiot, fuckin’ illiterate bozo-lookin’ fuck can’t be the President of the country, can he, God, not really? Reach your hands down from the clouds and pinch my butt, make sure I’m not DREAMIN’!’ Finally my prayer got through. Did ya’ll know – you wanna hear something absolutely – this is fascinating to me, this is absolutely fascinating: fundamentalist Christians believe the world is 12,000 years old. Is that . . . let’s just think about that. Isn’t that great? And I ask ’em, ‘How do you think that? Why do you think the world’s 12,000 years old?’ They go:

  ‘Well, we added up all the people born from Adam and Eve, added up their ages: roughly 12,000 years.’

  ‘Well, how scientific. I can’t fuckin’ argue with that kind of, you know, research. You think the world’s 12,000 years old?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘K. Can I ask you a question?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘It’s a one-word question.’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Dinosaurs.’

  I mean, if the world’s 12,000 years old and the Bible covers it, why didn’t someone bring up fuckin’ dinosaurs? You’d think someone woulda brought that up . . . somewhere in the goddamn book:

  And Jesus and the disciples walked down the path towards Nazareth, but oh, the trail was blocked by a giant Brontosaurus . . . with a splinter in his paw. And the disciples did run a-screaming, ‘What a big fuckin’ lizard, Lord.’

  ‘I’m sure gonna mention this in my book,’ said Luke.

  ‘Well, I’m sure gonna mention it in my book,’ said Matthew.

  ‘I’m not sure what I saw,’ said Thomas.

  Timothy nudged him: ‘It was a big fuckin’ lizard, hey Thomas?’

  But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the Brontosaurus’ paw, and the Brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting the fat American families with their fat fuckin’ dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scotch did praise the Lord: ‘Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.’

  Twelve thousand years old. I asked this guy, said, ‘Come on, man – dinosaur fossils. What’s the deal?’ He goes:

  ‘God put those here to test our faith.’

  ‘I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I’ve figured this out.’

  Does that— That’s what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be fuckin’ with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleepin’ restfully with that thought in their heads? God’s runnin’ around, burying fossils: ‘Ho, ho ho! . . . We’ll see who believes in me now. Ho ho! I’m a prankster God. I am killing me. Ho ho ho ho!’ You know. You die, you go to St Peter:

  ‘Did you believe in dinosaurs?’

  ‘Well yeah, there was fossils everywhere. (crash) Aaargh!’

  ‘What are you, an idiot? God was fucking with you! Giant flying lizard, you moron! That’s one of God’s easiest jokes.’

  ‘It seemed so plausible! Aaaaargh!’

  Bound for the Lake of Fire.

  You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. ‘I believe God created me in one day.’ Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

  Now we have women priests. What do y’all think of that? Women priests? Yeah. I think it’s fine, women priests, you know. So what? Now we got priests of both sexes I don’t listen to. Fuck, I don’t care. Have one with three balls and eight titties, I don’t fuckin’ care, you know. Have a hermaphrodite one, I don’t, I don’t care. Have one with gills and a trunk – I might go to that service. (makes noise like elephant trumpeting) I don’t give a fuck, OK? While I appreciate your quaint traditions, superstitions and, you know, I, on the other hand, am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us in our own minds. No middle man required. (laughs sarcastically) But anyway, I appreciate your little games and shit, you putting on the tie and going to church, a da da da da. But you know there’s a LIVING GOD WHO WILL TALK DIRECTLY FUCKIN’ TO YOU! Sorry, not through the pages of the Bible but FORGOT TO MENTION DINOSAURS!

  By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising . . . kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I’m doing. No joke here, really. Seriously, kill yourself, you have no rationalization for what you do, you are Satan’s little helpers. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show. Seriously, I know the marketing people: ‘There’s gonna be a joke comin’ up.’ There’s no fuckin’ joke. Suck a tail pipe, hang yourself . . . borrow a pistol from an NRA buddy, do something . . . rid the world of your evil fuckin’ presence. OK, back to the show. Plantin’ seeds.
Will they bear fruit? I don’t know. Feel better plantin’. You know what bugs me, though? Everyone here who’s in marketing is now thinkin’ the same thing: ‘Oh, cool. Bill’s going for that anti-marketing dollar. That’s a huge market.’ (crying) Quit it, quit it. Don’t turn everything into a dollar sign, please! ‘Oooh. The plea-for-sanity dollar – huge! Huge market! Look at our research.’

  You know, isn’t marketing the most evil concept ever? Like for instance, I saw this – you know what they do to movies now? This just drives me crazy. They show movies now to test audiences before the movie is released, and then change the movie depending on how these 200 random . . . yahoos – underline ‘yahoo’, point some fingers at it with a big exclamation fuckin’ point – ya-fuckin’-hoo liked it or did not like it. As though we are all the same, as though we have the same taste, as though, as though, as though. For instance, saw a movie this year called Basic . . . Instinct. Now. Bill’s quick capsule review: piece of shit. Thank you. That’s all it was, by the way. Don’t get caught up in the phoney hysteria surrounding this piece of shit film. ‘Was it too sexist, and what about the leg, did you think that maybe—’ Tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha you’re way off base. You’ve forgotten how to perceive correctly. Take a deep breath (breathes), watch it again: ‘Hey, it’s a piece of shit.’ Exactly. That’s all it ever was, was A PIECE OF SHIT. I just had to say that and clear it up. This phoney hype around this piece of shit film drove me crazy. Anyway, after I saw it about eight times . . . come to find out, after seeing this film, all of the lesbian sex sce– let me repeat this part of the show – all of the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of this film, because the test audience . . . was turned off by them. (laughs) Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don’t wanna seem like Randy Pan the Goatboy . . . but that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit film. Sorry. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film woulda been Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in.

  ‘I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was!’

  ‘Well Gee, Mike, the movie started, Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half . . . then the credits rolled. Ha ha ha! I don’t remember seeing your scrawny ass. Ohh! Was that you in the corner when she flipped her over and started eating her butt? Was that . . . oh yeah, you were good. You were really good. I was a little, I was watchin’ something else, but I saw you real briefly. She flipped her over, opened her ch— ahhhhh, started eating her ass, and I said, “Was that Michael Doug– oh, who gives a fuck. Look at that.”’

  See, what I’m saying is it’d be a different film if I was the test audience, that’s all I’m trying to get at here. Don’t try an’ talk for me, please.

  You know though, I don’t get it, man. I tell you what, I have this new fear. Cos I know, I know that I’m in a case of arrested development emotionally. I know that now. Cos I realize, you know, like ah if you— anyone can go to the video store near my house and see what I’ve rented the past year. It’s fairly frightening, you know? Unbelievable evidence of an emotionally, you know, ah . . . digression goin’ on here. Porno movies and video games. What am I, thirteen emotionally? You know what I mean? I’m sitting there looking at this receipt I got from them, it’s like Clam Lappers and Sonic Hedgehog. That was one weekend. That was Easter weekend. Something’s going on with me, man. That’s pretty scary way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ . . . with Clam Lappers and Sonic fucking Hedgehog. You know? I’m . . . my big fear now is I’m gonna go rent a porno film at this one store I go to a lot, I’m gonna go rent a porno film and take it to the front, you know, and give it to the guy, and he’s gonna do that little ‘doot!’ and suddenly (makes sound of alarm): ‘You’ve just rented your millionth porno tape!’ (alarm) ‘Get a picture of him with it! Anal Entry, volume 500 – he made it through every one of ’em!’ (alarm) Give me the little trophy. Millionth porno tape, wow! Lucky fuckin’ me. And along with Super Mario 2. I wish they’d combine video and porno. That would be great, man, you know? Video games and porno films? I’d have high score on Clam Lappers by now. I wish they did have interactive porno – you know they come out with this thing now, interactive movies? They’re showing it in New York right now. Interactive movie – you watch the movie and then you determine which way you want the plot to go. This is fucked! This is technology solely for porno films . . . as far as I’m concerned. You know what I mean? I am so sick of being ripped off – if you’ve got enough courage to make porno films, go ahead and be creative about it. You’re, you’re already over the, you know, you’ve jumped the chasm here. ‘We’re gonna film people fuckin’ and suckin’.’ Cool! Now go crazy. You already made the jump. You are within the Dark Lord’s terrain at this point. There’s no reason to get coy. You’re drugging up runaways down at fuckin’ Sunset Boulevard right now. I don’t think you need to have morality plays goin’ on in the porno tape. Go ahead and satisfy my carnal base fuckin’ needs. Interactive porno – that’s the future, my friends. Then all dating will be history. Ah well. It’s backed-up Wil— this is backed-up Willie talking. I always get my most depressed when I’m backed up, man.

  No, but you know . . . it’s hard to have a relationship in this business, man. You’re always travelling, keeping weird hours, you know. It’s gonna take a very special woman, you know . . . or a bunch of average ones. Which, I mean I’m saying that either way . . .

  But anyway, I’m reading this article in the paper a few years ago about Ted Bundy.55 Now, this is absolute— listen, there’s still cheering for him: ‘Whoo!’ I think you’re thinkin’ of a different Ted Bundy here . . . not the shoe salesman on the TV show, this is . . . I don’t know what the other connection. Well, this . . . the guy I’m talkin’ about used a shoehorn once, but I won’t tell you what for, because . . . But anyway, Ted Bundy the mass murderer’s who I’m referring to. If you’re gonna pick a hero, you know, do your research. Now . . . no, but anyway, this is absolutely true. If anyone can verify this it’ll help, cos it’s gonna sound absolutely far-fetched, but I read an article in the paper. Ted Bundy’s on trial in Florida, on trial – twenty-four women the guy killed, I don’t know. Twenty-four women – he’s on trial. The paper says the courtroom is filled with women . . . trying to meet him . . . and give him LOVE LETTERS AND WEDDING FUCKIN’ proposals. Does anyone remember reading this fuckin’ article? (cheers and claps) That’s enough to continue the bit. Now . . . if no one had applauded, I’d still be doin’ it. How? We don’t know. You have to rationalize on your feet. All I know is I got a script and I’m headin’ towards the ending. I will not be stopped. Courtroom filled with women trying to meet Ted Bundy, give him love letters and wedding proposals – this is what the article says. And I’m sorry to say the first thing I thought when I read that was, ‘And I’m not gettin’ laid.’ What am I doing wrong, you know? A natural question. So I read another article in the paper, ah . . . woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Why would anyone sue the state of Wisconsin? Well, here’s why. She married a fella . . . on Death Row. Why is he on Death Row? He killed eight women. She married him (laughs) there’s more . . . he has Aids – let’s up the ante of the story. You wanna? Who wants to still play with my story now? Cos I’m upping the ante – he is on Death Row for killing eight women, he has Aids, she married him, and is suing the state for the right . . . of conjugal visits! Now, I’m sorry to say the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was . . . And I’m not gettin’ laid.’ Hey. What exactly are you ladies lookin’ for here? These guys must’ve been heavy on the sense of humor thing you seem to love so much in your little ladies polls. ‘Ted Bundy, that old whip. He’s hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. Hoh, what a sense of humor he had. Ah. I overlooked the mass murder thing cos he kept me in stitches.’ But you know, it’s just depressing, you know what I mean? You know, Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks, Achy Breaky fuckin’ dick this guy is, Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals, you know – we’re fucked up here, man. I guaran
tee you Satan’s gonna have no problems on this planet, cos all the women are gonna go:

  ‘What a cute butt!’

  ‘He’s Satan.’

  ‘You don’t know him like I do.’

  ‘He’s the Prince of Darkness.’

  ‘I can change him.’

  And I bet that’s true. I wouldn’t put Satan– give Satan a snowball’s chance in hell against a woman’s ego, man. He’d rule the earth for a day, a week later we’d see Satan out cuttin’ the lawn. (makes lawn-mower noise)

  ‘Hey aren’t you Satan?’

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘Whoa, Mr Prince of Darkness. You forgot to edge–’

  ‘Shut up!’ (lawnmower noise)

  See him at the supermarket buying tampons:

  ‘Tampons, aisle 3. Hey, aren’t you Satan?’

  ‘Shut up!’

  ‘You’re pussywhipped! You’re not Prince of Darkness, you’re Pussywhipped of Darkness!’

  ‘Quit it, I’m Satan.’

  ‘Ah, bullshit! You dropped your tampons, Satan.’

  Thanks, you’ve been great. Hope you enjoyed it! Great to see y’all. You’re the greatest crowd in the world. I hope you enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good night.

  Part 3:

  Early to Mid 1993

  Bill Hicks: Comedy for the Head

  By Cree McCree High Times

  (April 1993)

  ‘Come on into my twisted fuckin’ soul.’ Thus Bill Hicks begins a ‘giggle tour’ of mass murderers, whose highlights include

  a Jeffrey Dahmer Tupperware party. But what he really lays bare tonight, on the eve of an impending European tour, is the twisted fuckin’ soul of Just-Say-No America.