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Love All the People (New Edition)

Page 24

by Bill Hicks


  ‘My biggest pet peeve,’ the pallid, black-garbed Texan confides to a hipper-than-usual crowd at Caroline’s comedy club in midtown Manhattan, ‘is the war against drugs. Actually, it’s a war against your civil rights.’ Amidst a loud consensus of claps, Hicks continues: ‘Marijuana’s against the law. Marijuana, a drug that kills no one . . . Ever.’

  That single word ‘ever’ elicits more laughter than many comedians milk from a fistful of one-liners.

  A no-bullshit libertarian – he’s enthusiastically pro-porn – with an acute sense of the sardonic, Hicks has made his own war against the War on Drugs a comedic cause célèbre. That he himself is now totally straight, following a collision course with booze and cocaine that landed him in recovery, has, if anything, strengthened his stance.

  ‘My honest-to-God belief about drugs?’ he asks onstage, not at all rhetorically. ‘God let certain drugs grow naturally on this planet to help speed up our evolution. Do you think psilocybin mushrooms growing on top of cowshit was an accident? Where do you think the phrase “that’s good shit” comes from?’ Amidst hoots and whistles, Hicks demonstrates ‘god’s little accelerator pad for our evolution’: the discovery of ’shrooms by Planet of the Ape types, a grunt-and-gobble tour de force which climaxes with his incantation of ‘The 2001 Theme.’ ‘Ommmmmmmm,’ he chants in blissful elation. ‘I think we can go to the moon now!’ Pause for the organic laughtrack, then the tagline: ‘That’s exactly how the fuck it happened.’

  More hipster monologist than stand-up comic, Hicks really believes that’s exactly how the fuck it happened. After the show, he greets me warmly. Not once does he plug a career launched by David Letterman and nurtured by HBO. A sponge for quirky detail and useful data, he’s as fascinated by my ’shroom experiences (not excerpted here) as his own. Bill Hicks is a dead serious and wickedly funny conversationalist who treats an interviewer just like his audience: as collaborator, not consumer.

  Your management was reluctant for you to do a HIGH TIMES interview. Did they think it would spoil your image?

  Well, ‘Heroin Quarterly’ had me first . . . no [laughs]. I have no idea what the problem was. I think all drugs should be legal – across the board, effective immediately. Law enforcement doesn’t stop anyone from doing drugs. All it does is make criminals out of them.

  Do you think there’s any danger that, if drugs are legalized, corporate interests will take over?

  Anything corporate is dangerous and harmful. [Drugs] should all be legal and free. Profit should be against the law. That’ll stop those fuckers.

  When you went through recovery to quit drinking and cocaine and clean up your whole act, did pot have to go along with everything else?

  Oh, absolutely. That’s part of the deal with the program. Everything goes. There’s no middle ground.

  Back in the days when you were still smoking pot, what’s the most fun you ever had?

  Well, to be honest with you, I was never a big pot fan. Which is very ironic, because I always espouse the virtues of marijuana. My thing was mushrooms.

  I didn’t know there was such a thing as a mushroom abuser.

  There isn’t. I went to AA, not MA. It wasn’t abuse. It was right on the money. To tell you the truth, the reason I quit doing mushrooms was because I had a UFO experience.

  So that’s a true story? That’s not just a comic riff?

  No, that’s true. What’s frustrating is that every time I tell the story, the first thing people ask is were you tripping? And I go, yeah. And they go, oh yeah, right. But it was really profound, and I want to experience it again. Totally straight. So I can tell people I was straight.

  Have you read Terence McKenna’s The Archaic Revival?56 Because your routine about apes discovering psilocybin is part of his whole theory of evolution.

  I haven’t, but I did read the Esquire article and it sounds incredible. But it’s nothing that anyone who’s ever experienced it doesn’t already know. And we go, yeah, cool, insects – I’m with you! The insect consciousness.

  Tonight’s audience really got off on your drug riffs, but I’m sure you get some negative feedback too.

  Oh yeah. What really bugs me is that a lot of people don’t even have a tie-in with alcohol as a drug. I’ve never been attacked by a pothead, but I’ve had drunks scare the shit out of me. Also, it doesn’t always register that people who smoke pot are under arrest in a lot of places57 and their belongings are taken from them by the government. It’s amazing how scared they’ve made everyone. They can suspend the Bill of Rights and people think it’s a good thing. ‘Just Say No’ is the extent of our drug education in this country. All my friends said yes and I’ll guarantee you we learned a lot more about drugs. Just say yes, and you’ll learn.

  If you were elected President, what’s the first thing you’d do?

  I’d make Bush pay for his war against humanity crimes. Same for Reagan.

  What kind of punishment would you mete out?

  I’d make [Reagan] watch his movies.

  What about Bush?

  I’d make him sleep with his wife. Because you know that is not happening.

  And Quayle?

  He’s the only guy I’d pardon. I want him. He’s the jester of America, man. I’d put him on TV 24 hours a day . . .

  His very own C-Span. Q-Span!

  Exactly!

  What’s up for you in 1993?

  I’m going to record a new album with my band, Marblehead – a comedy album but with music all the way through. Totally overboard with music and a spoken-word type poem. A rant. Maybe I’ll call it ‘Bill’s Iliad.’

  I feel a lot better knowing you’re out there in the world. We need more people speaking out about real life.

  Hey, I appreciate that. And I’m sorry about the delay on the HIGH TIMES interview. But those managers who made that little decision? They are no longer! HIGH TIMES will prevail.

  Outside Broadcast Branch

  Davidian Compound, Waco

  (8 March, 1993)58

  Could be the end is nigh for Mr Koresh, aka Jesus, aka Vernon. Had he stuck with the name Vernon, the only people out here reporting right now would probably be the local farm report: ‘Vernon’s got some pigs locked up in a hole. We don’t know what’s happening, but Vernon’s locking some pigs up there.’ But the fact that he named himself David Koresh just goes to show a rose is just a rose by any other name, it’s just a ah Yahweh. Anyway, we’re outside Mount Carmel camp. The Davidian-Yahweh division, Latter-day Saints and Lutheran-Jehovah-Witness-Baptist-Methodist break-off group who believes in ah . . . that the literal interpretation of the Bible in Genesis is actually not exactly true. The literal story of creation in Genesis is true, and after that God created the sub-machine gun. Man named all the animals and then began shooting them one by one. Sort of a new breed of Christianity here in America, and one that ah, well, suffers no quarter. And there’s forgiveness enough for everyone here, I’m sure. All I know is there’s gonna be hell to pay when David Koresh aka Jesus aka Vernon Howell makes his final move for the Lord. We all come to this position at some point in our lives, that big chasm, that gap you have to jump into, and it’s called faith. Unlike the rest of us though, David Koresh is armed to the gills, and when he makes the big leap it’s gonna be hell to pay all around him. Anyway, we’re out here, out at Mount Carmel, the Branch-Davidian-Latter-day-Saint-Adventist-Seven-Day-Church-Lutheran-Yahweh division breakaway group that believes of course in forgiveness, that Christ died and was resurrected, and then he’s come back to kick some major ass. It’s all out there. Looks like Grandma’s house. In fact I think Grandma is being held hostage right now by the Branch Davidian-Adventist-Latter-Day-Saint-Yahweh division breakaway group, led by David Koresh, aka Jesus, aka Vernon. ‘That’s not Jesus, that’s Vernon.’ Anyway, it’s day seven. It can’t go on for ever. We’ll be here till something happens.

  Pornography is good.

  All drugs should be legal.

  War is wrong.

 
The rich get richer.

  The poor get poorer.

  Thank you I’ll be here all week.

  Ceremony Program, American Comedy Awards, March 1993

  Recorded Live at Laff Stop, Austin, TX, and Cobbs, San Francisco, CA

  (Spring and Summer 1993)59

  Well, folks, this is kind of a sentimental evening for me because . . . this is my final live performance I’ll ever do, ever. No biggie, no, no, no, no, no hard feelings, no sour grapes whatsoever. I’ve been doing this sixteen years, enjoyed every second of it – every plane flight, every [. . .], every delay, every canceled flight, every lost luggage, living in hotel rooms, every broken relationship, playing the Comedy Pouch in Possum Ridge, Arkansas, every fucking year. It’s been great, don’t get me wrong.

  But the fact of the matter is, the reason I’m gonna quit performing is I finally got my own TV show coming out next fall on CBS. So – thank you. I know. It is not a talk show. (heavy breathing) Dear God, thank you, thank Jesus, thank Buddha, thank Mohammad, thank Allah, thank Krishna, thank every fucking god in the book. (heavy breathing) Please rela— (heavy breathing) No, it’s not a talk show: it’s a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled ‘Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus’. So y’all be tuning in? Cool, cool. Cool, it’s a fairly self-explanatory plot, ah . . . Each week we let the hounds of hell loose and we chase that jar-head, no-talent, cracker asshole all over the globe . . . till I finally catch that fruity little ponytail of his in the back, pull him to his knees, put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black cock of death (shotgun boom) and we’ll be back in ’95 with ‘Let’s Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton’. So.

  Thank you very much. I’m just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious and making us pay a higher psychic price than we imagine. In fact, that’s how I pitched it to the networks exactly, I said ah . . . ‘I’d like to do a show where I rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious’, and the guy at CBS said, ‘Will there be titty?’ And ah I said, ‘Sure, I don’t know, sure.’ Boom! A cheque falls in my lap and ah . . . I’m a producer. I never knew it was that easy. All these years I been trying to write scripts and characters and plots and stories that had meaning. ‘Will there be titty?’ Sure. Boom! I’m a . . . I’m a producer now. ‘Where’ve you been all our life, boy? We been lookin’ for you in Hollywood. What are these titties gonna do? Jiggle? You’re a fuckin’ genius. Give him another cheque. I can’t write enough cheques for you. You’ve answered our prayers in Hollywood. Jiggling titties, who would have thunk of it?’

  I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus . . . by telling our children a giant bunny-rabbit . . . left chocolate eggs in the night. Now . . . I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody? Anybody got any clues out there? Where do you get this shit from, you know? Why those two things, you know? Why not goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer, you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog-wild, you know? At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back, going across your floor to your sock drawer, has a miraculous connotation to it.

  ‘Mummy I woke up today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer.’ ‘That’s the story of Jesus.’

  Who comes up with this shit? I read the Bible, I can’t find the word ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book.

  D’y’all have different books of the Bible than I do? Are y’all Gideons? Who are the fucking Gideons? Ever met one? No! Ever seen one? No! But they’re all over the fucking world, putting Bibles in hotel rooms. Every hotel room: ‘This Bible was placed here by a Gideon.’ When? I’ve been here all day. I ain’t seen shit. I saw the housekeeper come and go, I saw the minibar guy come and go, I’ve never laid eyes on a fucking Gideon. What are they – Ninjas? Where are they? Where’re they from – Gidea? What the fuck are these people? I’m gonna capture a Gideon. I’m gonna make that my hobby. I am. I’m gonna call the front desk one day: ‘Yeah, I don’t seem to have a Bible in my room.’

  People suck and that’s my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-A-Sketch, I’ll do it in three minutes to prove the fact, the factorum, I’ll show my work, case closed. I’m tired of this backslapping, aren’t humanity neat bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes, OK? That’s all we are.

  What do you say we ah . . . lighten things up and talk about abortion. You know . . . I feel like I’m losing some of you here and I wanna win all of you back with this one. Let’s talk about abortion. Let’s talk about child-killing, and see if we can’t get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let’s talk about mass murder of young, unborn children, see if we can’t coalesce into one big healthy gut-laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, I’ve never seen an issue so divisive. You ever seen – it’s like a civil war, in’it? Even among my friends, who are all very intelligent, they are totally divided on abortion. It’s unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks . . . How are we gonna come to a consensus? You oughta hear the arguments around my house. They’re annoying, they’re idiots, they’re evil, they’re FUCKS! Brothers, sisters, come together. Can’t we once just join hands and think of them as evil, annoying idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that’s me, Libra rising: the Scales. And, strangely enough, Shiva the Destroyer. (laughs) Who would have thunk it? ‘We’re pro-life.’ Ooh, you look it. Look like you’re filled with life. All the little kids:

  ‘Please don’t adopt me, please don’t adopt me.’

  ‘We’re your new Christian pro-life parents.’

  ‘Oh, where’s the tower, where’s the gun, where’s the tower, where’s the gun? I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. (gunshot sounds) Does my penis make me a bad boy? That’s what they told me.’

  (gunshot sounds)

  Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block. The ones that have the good albums. Suddenly I’m adopted by the Flanders, you know. ‘Hi Bill, in’it a beautiful God-created morning?’ Heurf! ‘We’re pro-life’. What does that make me? You know what I mean? You’re so pro-life, you’re so pro-life, do me a fucking favor. Don’t block med-clinics, OK? Lock arms . . . and block cemeteries. Let’s see how fucking committed you are to this premise.

  ‘She can’t come in.’

  ‘She was ninety-six. She was hit by a bus.’

  ‘There’s options.’

  ‘What, have we gotta have her stuffed? What are you talkin’ about? She’s dead.’

  ‘We’re pro-life. Get her out of that casket, get her out! She’s not going. We’re pro-life people. They’ll be no death on this planet.’

  Pro-life. And I always think, you see my theory, here’s my actual theory beyond ah . . . the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here’s my real theory, so: if you’re so pro-life and you’re so pro-child, then adopt one that’s already here that’s very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it, to get it out of a horrible situation. OK? People say, ‘Why don’t you do that?’ and I say, ‘Cos I hate fuckin’ kids and could care less.’ Couldn’t give a fuck. Don’t care at all about abortion. It’s your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that three-month-old kid in your belly is not a fuckin’ human being, OK? It’s a bunch of little congregated cells. You’re not a human . . . till you’re in my phone book. (laughs) There. My hat is now in the political ring.

  There is a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people: come together! ‘No!’ We’re kinda having trouble getting off the boards, but you know.

  ‘Are you gonna be there?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Then I ain’t fucking coming.’

  ‘You’re our strongest member.’

  ‘Fuck you!’

  ‘
That’s what I’m talking about, you asshole.’

  ‘Fuck off!’

  Damn, we almost had our meeting going. It’s so hard to get my people together.

  (quietly) Dont give a fuck about little fucking kids. ‘I’m pro-life.’ God, I wanna hang with you and play Twister. ‘That’s pornographic.’ Damn! I hate playing with the pro-life people. And oddly enough, that face . . . is the exact same face . . . non-smokers have, too. ‘I’m a non-smoker. I’m pro-life. I’m a pro-life non-smoker.’ Let the party begin. Ow, (singing) do do do do do do.

  I been getting that look a lot recently, cos I started smoking again. (audience cheers) See, I don’t know how with a support group like you I fucking failed, you know? Damn it. How did I fail with y’know, everyone helping me out? ‘Bill’s gonna kill himself, whoooooo! Bill’s gonna lose a lung, yeahhhhh!’ [. . .] No, but I’ve been getting that look a lot lately, cos I started smoking again and . . . performing abortions, so. I mean everywhere I turn now, you know what I mean? I don’t wanna get out of bed most days to be honest with you. Scraping a uterus here, it don’t bother me. Is this bad for a dead foetus? Is this – oh, once the baby’s dead this doesn’t matter, does it? OK. Hate to hurt the little piece of flesh in there. Don’t let the clothes fool ya, it’s still fucking me!

  But I’ve always found religion to be fascinating. Ideas such as how people act on their beliefs. Pro-lifers murdering doctors. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pro-lifers murdering people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I . . . ah, you know, it’s irony on a base level but I like it. You know what I mean? It’s real basic irony, but still you can get a hoot. It’s a hoot. It’s a fucking hoot. ‘We’re pro-life, and we’ll kill your ass.’ That’s what fundamentalism breeds though, no irony, you see. They take the word literally, you know. Fundamentalists, yeah, yeah. Well, once again I recommend a healthy dose of ah . . . psilocybin mushrooms ah. Three weeks ago two of my friends and I went to a ranch in Fredericksburg, Texas, and took what Terence McKenna calls ‘a heroic dose’. Five dried grams. Let me tell you, our third eye was squeegeed quite cleanly. (makes squeaking sound) Wow! (makes squeaking sound) And I’m glad they’re against the law. Cos you know what happened when I took ’em? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours, going, ‘My God . . . I love everything.’ The heavens parted, God looked down and rained gifts of forgiveness . . . on to my being, healing me on every level, psychically, physically, emotionally. And I realized our true nature is spirit, not body, that we are eternal beings, and God’s love is unconditional: ’n’ there’s nothing we can ever do to change that. It is only our illusion that we are separate from God, or that we are alone. In fact the reality is we are one with God and he loves us. Now, if that isn’t a hazard to this country. Do you see my point? How are we gonna keep building nuclear weapons, you know what I mean? What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that’s fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government’s cracking down . . . on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah. It’s interesting, introducing the two drugs that are illegal – alcohol and cigarettes – two drugs that do absolutely . . . nothing for you whatsoever, and drugs that grow naturally upon this planet, drugs that open your eyes up, to make you realize how you’re being fucked every day of your life. Those drugs are against the law. Wow! Coincidence? I don’t know. I’m sure their motives are pure. But ah . . . isn’t that great? Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour.

 

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