Cry For You

by Candy J. Starr

  “So if you don’t make money out of programming, what do you do for a living?” one of Lizzie’s sisters asked me.

  That was a simple question. I should just say I worked as Tex’s housekeeper. But then maybe they’d think that was weird since it was obvious that Tex and I were there together.

  My heart started racing and I could feel myself redden. I was overthinking this. I knew I was overthinking. But knowing it didn’t help. I remembered those things my shrink had told me to do. I took a deep breath and told myself I could cope.

  But it’d been too long. People looked at me now as though wondering why I was too stupid to answer a simple question. I turned to Lizzie for help but she was occupied with her grandmother.

  My hands shook and I sat on them to hide them before anyone noticed.

  I needed to say something, anything.

  Across the garden, Tex nodded for me to come over. I jumped up and ran to him, feeling as if he’d saved me. He put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. I clutched onto him tight.

  “Are you okay?” he whispered.

  I nodded.

  I picked up a plate and started on the food. It would be a fun day and I would be okay. I needed to be positive. I focused on the food instead of my inner turmoil.

  That cheesecake looked super delicious but I should eat real food first, not go straight for the sweets. Even standing at the table trying to get something to eat was an ordeal when there were so many people around. They’d judge everything I ate.

  No they wouldn’t. They wouldn’t even notice.

  I ended up just shovelling food on the plate so I could sit back down. Even if it wasn’t right.

  “So, you’re Tex’s girlfriend?” said a middle-aged man. I had no idea who he was. Another relative? “I’d have not thought you’d be his type.”

  What the hell did he mean by that?

  I sat back down next to Tex. He’d noticed that I was struggling before and had helped me out. I couldn’t believe that. But how long would he keep doing that? Eventually, he’d find it tiresome. I needed to harden up.

  Half the people at the party came over to say hello to Tex. He and Brownie had gone to school together so it made sense that so many of Brownie's relatives knew him. I felt safe at Tex's side. He did all the hard work, making small talk and remembering who people were and what to say to them and I did the easy stuff – smiling and eating food.

  "I guess you'll be next," said Lizzie as she pressed me to have more cake.

  "Huh?"

  "The next one married."

  I sat up straight and pulled away from Tex, as though just by touching him I was getting too close. Married? I'd never thought of that. My insides went zinging in a million directions at once. Happy but freaked out. Marriage seemed like something old people did. The talk of moving in to the new house with him had been commitment enough. The future and what would happen in it was something we never discussed.

  I never discussed.

  I tried not to think about.

  I wasn't even sure it was possible. Every day I woke up and the fact that Tex was still with me seemed like the most amazing thing in the world. I could lose myself in a dream of forevers and happily ever afters but I found it hard to believe that is how it would be. I couldn't go there. Those kinds of things involved trust and hope.

  One day at a time was enough for me. But was it enough for Tex?

  As I leaned back against Tex, I felt his body stiffen. Had I done something wrong? But it wasn’t me. I followed Tex’s gaze to where Devon stood in the doorway. The tension between him and Tex was subtle but it was always there. Even while Tex smiled and said “hello”, I noticed the change in him.

  The two of them would never be friends like they'd been when they were young but both of them wanted Brownie and Lizzie to have a great day so they smiled and joked around. To anyone who didn't know them, you'd think they were best mates but it was only on the surface.

  Sometimes in rehearsal, Tex would snap, lashing out with his words. The nasty streak in Tex was the worst part of him. Devon always tried to laugh it off but I wondered if that was mostly for the sake of the band. It was no secret Devon had money troubles before they'd reformed so he had a lot at stake, enough to ignore a few harsh words.

  "Hey, Ruby," Devon said. "Do you know someone called Danielle?"

  I shook my head, wondering why he asked. Maybe it was someone I'd gone to school with. I couldn't remember half those girls. They'd just jelled into a mass of mean girls. Like the movie only bitchier.

  "I'm not even sure if her name was really Danielle. She seemed dodgy and unsure about it, like she was lying. She said you'd put me as a contact on your insurance and she wanted to check some details about you. It didn't sound right to me so I told her I didn't know you."

  He took a sip of beer and I shuddered. It was probably nothing but too many weird things had happened lately for me to just dismiss it. I didn't even have any insurance.

  "Are you sure it was me she was asking about?"

  "Yep."

  "That's strange." I shook my head, hoping to shake the gnawing thoughts as though they were mosquitos buzzing around.

  Still, with the late afternoon sun shining through the trees in the garden and a soft breeze carrying the scent of spring flowers, I couldn’t stay too anxious. That slight alcohol buzz settled in my body, when you are nowhere near drunk just happy to be alive.

  One of Lizzie's sisters started hassling the guys to play a few songs. Not the pregnant sister, another one. She seemed to have a tribe of sisters and they were all on the pretty side of normal. The sense of camaraderie between them made me wonder if I would've been a different person if I'd had siblings.

  "Sorry," said Tex. "I didn't bring my guitar with me."

  He gave his wry grin though, like he wished he'd thought of it.

  "Brownie has a guitar," said Lizzie. "His old acoustic he had in high school. Not sure how in tune it is, and it'd definitely not be up to your standards..."

  "Bring it out, got to entertain the people after all."

  That surprised me but then Tex was much more relaxed about playing lately. Not so long ago, a suggestion like that would've had him storming out in a bad mood. He'd really mellowed from when I first met him. I’d thought that he was a man who didn't even know how to smile. Even if we didn't last forever, even if this was just a temporary thing, being part of what had broken him out of that stupor he'd been in was definitely worth it.

  Lizzie's sister clapped her hands.

  "I can't believe we have a real rock star playing at our party." Her eyes were wide with delight.

  "Hey, you have Brownie around all the time and he's a rock star." Tex always emphasised that the band wasn't just him. He hated being the centre of attention. Well, he loved it on stage but off stage, he hated it.

  "He doesn't look it though. He makes fart jokes. That's so not rock."

  "So does Tex," I said and Tex punched me lightly on the arm.

  Lizzie came back with the acoustic. Tex took it and mucked around tuning it. I caught Devon's eye and got him to take my seat beside Tex so they could sing together. Brownie had grabbed his sticks and cleared off the food at the end of the table so he could join in.

  All the party guests gathered their chairs around in a circle.

  Tex consulted with Devon and they started. Not playing their own songs but an old Johnny Cash cover that everyone sang along with. I'd shuffled on to the edge of a bench next to Lizzie and she had a satisfied smile on her face.

  "This is my favourite song," she said. "They must've been rehearsing it in secret."

  When they finished, everyone applauded. A few people called out requests.

  "Play Julie's Song," someone said.

  I pressed my teeth into my bottom lip, hoping Tex would ignore that. What an idiot. That was not a song appropriate for a party like this. Even if they didn't know the history of that song, surely they could clue on that it wasn't apt.

/>   "Not today," Tex said with a nod. "Today, we're here to party."

  I smiled again as the moment passed. I would survive this party at least.

  Chapter 9 Ruby

  "What the hell am I going to wear tonight?" I had no concept of what people wore to see a band.

  "You've got the band shirt I gave you. Wear that."

  "I wore that to the festival."

  "You can wear it again. It doesn't matter. It's not like anyone will be looking at you. I'm the one on stage."

  "Bastard," I muttered, although I much preferred things that way. I hated being looked at. People could look at him all they liked so long as they didn't touch. Touching was for me only.

  Even the thought of being in the crowd had me as anxious as hell. That’s why I’d changed my outfit twelve times already and couldn’t keep still. Tex was totally useless. He thought everything I put on looked good.

  I pulled the shirt on. It was a bit small and tight.

  "It's too tight. I can't wear it."

  Tex leered at me. He really leered. I crossed my arms on my chest.

  "What?"

  "It's not too tight, Ruby."

  "It makes me look fat."

  "It squashes your boobs out really nice. I really like the way it does that. You should wear that shirt all the time."

  He came at me with his gropey fingers wiggling. I laughed and brushed him away. To be honest, I kind of enjoyed that leering look.

  "As much as I want your hands on me, we will be late if you don't get ready now."

  Tex went to the shower and I looked at myself in the mirror. Did my boobs look good? I never really thought about them that much. I was much more focused on the rolls over the top of my jeans. Short t-shirt, tight jeans – what was I thinking? But, if I got changed, Tex would give me shit. He had no understanding of things like body issues and that was because he had no issues with my body. I threw a denim jacket over the top. That way I covered up the worst of my problem areas.

  My friend, CJ, said there was no such thing as problem areas. There were just areas. Every concept of an "area" being a problem was a social construct. But I didn't want to look like a jelly roll.

  Tex came in from the shower with his towel wrapped around his waist. Talk about body issues. My biggest issue seeing him like that was keeping my hands off his body. That little dip at the bottom of his back, I wanted to touch it. I had to turn away so I could resist him. God, that man had woken a sleeping dragon in me and that was the dragon of animal lust.

  "Look at you. Leaving the house to socialise twice in one month. That must be a record."

  "You can talk. You aren't exactly Mr Sociable either. Well, you weren’t…"

  Tex laughed but I wasn't joking. It was one of the doubts that wore at my mind. He was definitely changing, becoming much more outgoing and wanting human contact. It was like he was coming out of hibernation. Sure, for now, his plans were contained and as low-key as playing to a massive crowd of people could be but he was becoming more and more open to the life he used to lead.

  This was my test, my way of proving to Tex that I could function like a normal human being. I’d watch him play and I’d enjoy it. Even though he’d given me no indication that he wanted me to change, I needed to prove this to him – and to myself.

  According to the architect, it'd only be less than three months before we could start moving in to the new house. Even less than that and the bathroom would be operational.

  Since he’d said that, I’d known I had to have a serious talk with Tex but I kept putting it off because talking about "our future" made me break out in hives. That was a scary talk. It was making a commitment and having plans. You can bet your butt that I felt like at any moment Tex would come to his senses and kick me out. I wasn't right for his lifestyle.

  Even more important, I needed to clarify my role as his housekeeper. That's what I'd been to start with and that's what I still was. Only now I'd become more. Housekeeper with "benefits" maybe. But the whole him paying me thing didn't sit right with me. I did the housework and we had sex. That made me pretty much like his wife but he paid me. It was the sex plus money part of it that worried me, obviously. I was on the border of being something that I didn’t want to be.

  Without that pay from him, I needed money from somewhere. I had to get a job and that would take me further away from Tex. I'd have to leave the house every day and I'd not be able to tour with him. That'd put me back right in the same situation I was before I started working for him. But there was no way we could go back to being boss and housekeeper, even if I wanted to.

  A few times I’d started heading into the conversation but had gotten diverted. It was always there though, hanging in the air as something I had to do.

  "Are you ready?" he called. "Devon's here to pick us up."

  "Yeah, I'm ready. I was waiting for you to finish primping yourself."

  “I don’t primp.”

  “You so do.”

  He walked out. I ran after him and slipped my hand into his back pocket, the two of us walking to the car like that.

  "Why don't we have people pick us up in stretch limos?" Devon asked as we got in the car.

  "Because we aren't stretch limo people. I hate those things. If you want to tell the driver something, you have to yell like this." He cupped his hands around his mouth. "And people stare at you. Plus it makes it easier for the groupies to spot you."

  "Yep, the groupies spotting me thing is a bonus. Makes less work for me." Devon laughed.

  I had the feeling that, although Devon talked like that, he craved a steady relationship more than anyone I knew. There was something inside him that had never healed after Julie died. He blamed himself and Tex blamed him. That made it hard for him to move on. As far as I knew, Devon was clean now but his using had been complicit in her death. Past relationships screwed you up. I knew that more than anyone. All that shit hung around in your head, undermining the happiness in your life.

  "You get them all now. No competition from me or Brownie."

  "It's the best."

  Tex turned in his seat to smile at me. I had been stuck with the back seat. That was okay with me. Devon and Tex would talk about band stuff, leaving me alone with my thoughts. It'd been a hectic week. Mum had messaged me with a heap of jobs she'd wanted me to do. She and Dad were still in Bali working and playing but had been thinking about moving to Chang Mai so needed some documentation from the storage unit. Mum had even mentioned me coming over for a holiday. I'm not sure how she could know me for so long and forget important facts about me – like that I hate the sun and I hate hot weather and, most of all, I hate going places.

  "You could even bring your young man," she'd said.

  Gross. “Young man”, that sounded so ancient.

  I couldn't even imagine the two of us on a tropical island. Tex would hate the beach – all that sand and glare. We were definitely inside people.

  Tex had told me that the beach near our place got popular in summer. Usually with teenagers catching the bus out so they were nowhere near their parents. Packs of them would get off the bus, all full of pop music and junk food and garish-coloured swimsuits.

  "It's awful," Tex had said. "Luckily the last bus back to the city is at 5.00, although sometimes they come out in cars."

  "Ah, so that's why the bus comes out here."

  "Yeah. What did you think?"

  "For my convenience... obviously." I’d never really thought about it.

  At least we'd be away for part of the summer. And Tex had said you could only really hear them when they first got off the bus and then only until they started down the track. Mostly, inside the house, you didn't even know they were there.

  I really missed Mum and Dad but I didn't want to travel to see them. I wished they'd come home, if only for a visit. Maybe, when the house was done, they could come and stay for a while.

  The car swerved, knocking me out of my own thoughts.

  "Hey, watch it, mate."
The angry edge in Tex’s voice seemed out of proportion to the situation. It wasn’t like Devon had run off the road or anything, it was just a little swerve.

  Maybe something had happened between them when I’d not been listening. Tex’s moodiness had almost disappeared but, if anyone could bring it out, it was Devon.

  "What? There was a cat on the road. I couldn't just hit it."

  "There was no cat. You weren't concentrating."

  Hell, that's all we needed, a big fight out here in the middle of nowhere, a few hours before the guys had to play. I hadn't seen a cat but then I'd not been paying attention. Devon was the one driving so Tex should keep his mouth shut but I wasn't about to suggest that because it'd just add to the tension. Tex always got stressed before playing but he shouldn’t take it out on Devon.

  "I'm a good driver, Tex." The “Tex” bit was said through gritted teeth so it was almost a hiss.

  "You're an irresponsible driver. You never think before you act."

  Whoa, this was getting to be about much more than driving. I reached forward and stroked Tex on the shoulder, hoping to calm him down.

  Devon reacted by putting his foot down, zooming down the road. We weren't even at the turn off to the main road into the city yet. The side road going to the beach and our place was narrow and had some big twists. The only vehicles that used it were the infrequent bus service and the pizza delivery guy but you never knew when someone else might be coming in the other direction. Just for kicks or something. And I sure as hell didn’t want to meet the bus with Devon driving like that.

  The car veered off on to the shoulder of the road, sending up a spray of gravel then sliding until Devon twisted the wheel to right it. I held in my breath and gripped the back of Tex's seat so that my knuckles hurt, but I kept quiet.

  As Devon drove over a bump, we became airborne. I knew Tex wouldn't say anything. He wouldn’t react to something like this because of some stupid man code. Instead, he just got Devon all riled up then sat there while Devon drove like a lunatic. I wasn't sure if Devon would listen to me if I told him to settle down but I had to give it a go.

  "Devon, please, can you slow down? You're scaring me."