Your Hidden Symmetry

by Jean Haner

  Twos always feel a need to go through life arm in arm with someone, personally and professionally. Heidi, a Two, made a new friend who shared her love of thrift stores and soon they become inseparable. She was in heaven because her need for companionship was finally fulfilled. Then her friend came down with a terrible cold one day and called to say she was going to stay home. What did Heidi do? She cooked up a big pot of homemade soup and carried it over to her friend’s house.

  But her friend was one of those people who wanted to be left alone when ill, and she refused to answer the front door. Heidi went around to the back door and knocked and knocked and called on the phone. Even after she forlornly returned home, she phoned incessantly over the next two days, leaving messages to say that she’d be happy to bring her friend food, take care of her, and keep her company. To Heidi, this was a show of love and friendship. But the other woman interpreted this as a serious boundary violation; and when she finally returned the calls, it was to tell Heidi to never contact her again. The friendship was over.

  To others, sometimes Twos can appear needy or clingy—and some can be. In their minds, if you love someone, why would you ever not want to be with them? These are simply different perceptions and ways of being in the world; but without understanding, they can create stress in relationships.

  Balance Giving with Receiving

  With such a maternal theme imprinted in their nature, Twos are often very sweet and selfless, with a genuine devotion to helping others. But sometimes Mother can become negative. If you picture the stereotypical mom, always working to take care of the family and thinking of all the special ways she can make them feel happy and loved, what can easily happen is that she sets her needs aside far too often. In fact, she may be spending all of her time taking care of others—driving the kids to various activities, picking up after her husband, and covering for her boss so that she has to cancel that appointment for the first massage she’s had in a year.

  Somewhere in the back of Mother’s mind, there can be an expectation that surely, eventually, the family will return the love by also doing some sweet and thoughtful things for her—but this doesn’t happen. The family is supposed to be taken care of by Mother, not the other way around! So they take her for granted and continue to make demands and take advantage of her. Over time, she can develop a growing sense of disappointment that may eventually turn into resentment. After all I’ve done for you, this is what I get? is the feeling that gets stuck in her mind.

  Whether or not they’re parents—or even if they don’t spend a lot of time helping others—Twos can too easily develop a kind of victim mentality, a “poor me” tape running through their heads. They may keep feeling sorry for themselves or act like martyrs. Other times, Twos can turn resentful and angry, the stereotypical “I spent 36 hours in labor but you never call me?” attitude. Then nothing anyone does is right. The Two has become unreceptive and isn’t even able to recognize or accept others’ efforts. Fortunately, it’s rare for things to get this extreme.

  At the heart of this issue is the fact that Twos are driven to give, even to the point of giving away their power. Deep inside, they really don’t feel powerful, and believe no one is there to help them. Part of their desire to take care of others comes from a deep need to be taken care of. The unconscious hope is that if they help someone else, then that person will step up to provide for them in return. But as I’ve described, this doesn’t always happen. Instead, others accept help but don’t have as strong a sense of responsibility to give back—or at least not in the way the Two thinks they need.

  If you’re a Two, be mindful of how you may even subtly click into some version of that “poor me” story in any situation. If you do, the cure is to attend to building your own boundaries and personal power, to know with all certainty that you’re completely equipped to be in charge of your life.

  It can take a while to reverse a decades-long pattern of over-giving, including relinquishing your power. It’s important to understand that the process of giving is actually only half of a full cycle, and you also need to learn how to open your arms and receive in return. Sometimes that even means you need to (horrors!) ask for and accept help.

  Remember that life loves you, and you can rest in the trust that as you build your receptivity muscles, more support will flood in!

  Careers

  To determine the types of careers that align with your inner design, we need to consider the influence of both your first and third numbers, so be sure to read the description of your calling in Chapter 5 as well.

  Whatever your work, you’re great at making sure things get done, and you can stay with a project until it’s complete when others would give up in frustration. Twos often work in support positions, or else they’re the person everyone comes to for help or advice, even if the job description has nothing to do with support. Twos can excel as managers as well because they balance the needs of both the company and the staff to create a win-win situation.

  Twos make excellent teachers because they’re so thoughtful about how to provide information in the way their students need to receive it. Other possible careers include real estate, the hospitality industry, nutrition, or food services. Because of their inherent pattern of caring for people, jobs in social work, nursing, psychology, or caregiving can be good choices. But remember the earlier advice that everything can change in midlife for a Two, and they can move into a position of power, no matter what their career.

  First Number: Three

  Warrior

  Enthusiastic and driven, you’re the most active of all the personalities. In nature, this energy is represented by the vitality of early spring, when plants’ drive to be alive is so powerful that little green sprouts can break through solid concrete. Your personality has that same spirit, which I call the Warrior—strong, fierce, and ready to launch into action. In fact, you’re always on the go. You love to work, you love to be active, and you love to get things done! We’ll never find you lounging on the couch eating bonbons; you value doing rather than being.

  As a Three, you use your linear and logical mind to decide what the goal should be in any situation and devise a plan to achieve it as efficiently as possible. You’re practical, pragmatic, and enjoy strategizing. You’re the person we want if we’re at point A and want to get to point Z in a straight line. In fact, once you come up with that plan, you’ll want to leap into action to get to the finish line as fast as possible; it can be incredibly frustrating if you have to work with people who mill around at the starting gate still talking and going around in circles!

  You have a very creative mind, but you want to do something tangible with your ideas, to make them real in the world in some way. For this reason, it may be enjoyable for you to build or design things, or in some way to see visible results of your work. In conversation, you tend to be direct and don’t enjoy long discussions about a problem. You want to cut to the chase and figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it—and then fix it!

  Inner Tension

  You’ll thrive in situations where you can work on short-term projects that have discernible steps—or at least a beginning, middle, and end—and then let you move on to the next thing. It will be frustrating for you if something is overly complicated or drags on and on, and you may lose patience and give up. There can be a twitchiness about this Three energy. You may be impulsive and run with an idea rather than sit down and work through the details to be sure you have your ducks in a row. Threes are more likely than most of the other types to have impulse-control problems or attention disorders like ADD/ADHD.

  While Threes can have a laser-like focus that allows them to concentrate intensely for short periods of time, it’s also possible for them to develop a compulsive hyper-focus; for instance, playing computer games for hours on end. Both the twitchiness and the hyper-focus are due to a strong inner tension that feeds their tremendous drive in life, but it can result in behavior such as being a workaholic or struggling with other ad
dictive tendencies. This inner tension can prevent them from ever really relaxing; instead they have a go-go-go way of living. It’s important for Threes to find ways to blow off steam, to release some of this tension, and to create more of a balance that includes both activity and downtime.

  If this sounds like you, don’t despair. Fortunately, you also hold the key to dealing with these problems since you have an inherently strong sense of discipline that empowers you to take charge and create boundaries for your behavior. For instance, Laurie was a Three who had a problem with compulsive cleaning. After working all day, she couldn’t relax with her family. Instead, as soon as dinner was over, she started cleaning and couldn’t stop. Her husband had to force her to go to bed each night. Laurie finally worked up a structured schedule that included a morning run and 20 minutes of strength-training exercises each evening. When she stuck to this system religiously, things improved drastically; she even found that there were some days when she didn’t have to clean at all.

  Regular physical exercise is always essential for Threes, especially if it can be done out in nature, which is very nourishing for their personal energy. When a Three is tired or stressed, being outdoors is better than taking a nap.

  What’s Next?

  You’re naturally optimistic and confident, with a sense that no matter what happens, you can figure out how to handle it. You have a “let’s move on” outlook on life and are always looking for what’s next, expecting that some interesting new opportunity is right around the corner. And as part of this characteristic, you’ll be a lifelong student, always wanting to learn, grow, and change.

  Yet because of this natural desire to move forward, you may sometimes be perceived as pushy or aggressive. You’re not wishy-washy—you know what you want and you know how to get it, and if someone is in your way, it’s possible that you may try to inappropriately push. Being very direct, you can speak before you think, blurting out what’s on your mind without regard for how it might make the other person feel; and you may not realize it if you’ve been too blunt or hurt their feelings. To you, it’s just obvious what needs to be said or done, and you can’t understand why people are so touchy!

  One Three described herself as valuing “kitchen-table talks” in her relationship, where she and her boyfriend just sat down and talked a problem out until they reached a resolution. But he had a very different personality and viewed this as far too confrontational. He would become upset, feeling as if he were being challenged and put on the spot. Neither person was right or wrong; they were just seeing things through two different filters. Discovering what their birth dates revealed opened new options for them to communicate in ways that were a better fit.

  Threes are said to have good vision—in other words, you can easily size up a problem and see a solution. And you can size up a person quickly as well. As soon as someone walks in the room, you make some decisions about who they are and what they’re capable of. You’re often very accurate in your ability to “see,” but this tendency can also incline you to be judgmental, and you risk jumping to conclusions, making up your mind too quickly about someone.

  You can be a natural rebel—challenging the status quo, questioning the rules, and resisting authority—and you may have a skeptical nature overall. You won’t believe something just because someone said so, and they may have to work hard to convince you of the validity of their statement.

  Most Threes love to challenge people in any interaction and actually enjoy an argument—but they think of it as a discussion! Some Threes seem to turn even the most innocuous conversation into a debate they have to win.

  The Influence of Anger

  The emotion that’s imprinted in a Three’s nature is anger. This can range from feeling mild irritation or impatience to frustration or indignation, and at the far end of the spectrum, full-out rage. In nature, the image for anger is thunder, and a big thunderclap is what a Three’s anger often resembles—they shout, swear, bang, or break things. Then it’s over, and they feel much better!

  In our culture, we judge anger as a negative emotion; yet when you trace it back to its root cause, it’s actually just a desire to create change. This can be a healthy impulse, such as wanting to stop someone from being mistreated or to break up old ways of doing things that are no longer working. The energy at the core of anger is a driving force that makes us move to change and grow; it’s the booster rocket that launches us toward our goal.

  Since we usually see anger expressed in unhealthy and destructive ways in everyday life, we judge it as bad and try to resist or suppress it when we feel it rising. However, this is often the very reason anger shows up in such a negative way. Suppression can only succeed for so long, and the energy of anger can become toxic as it’s held inside. So when the emotion is finally released, it’s then expressed in a harmful way, which can create a kind of vicious circle. A Three may immediately feel ashamed of their behavior and go back to trying to suppress it. Or the person who was the target of the angry outburst may respond in kind, and then they have a cycle of anger going back and forth between them and building on itself.

  Threes need to feel in charge of their own lives, and when someone else has power over them, they can feel extremely uncomfortable. As part of this pattern, a hot button for this number is the issue of feeling dominated. For example, if a Three gets pulled over by the police, it can be really upsetting. They may show a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude that gets them in trouble, or it may take all their willpower to submit to the more powerful person without talking back.

  In life in general, Threes are too likely to perceive others as trying to shame, blame, or dominate them even if that’s not the case, and their reactions can bewilder the other person. One everyday example of this is that you’ll rarely hear a Three genuinely say, “I’m sorry,” or admit fault, even if they did make a mistake. If they only knew that for their partner, just finally hearing one simple apology might completely dissolve the bad feelings!

  Transforming Anger

  The worst thing that can happen is that as anger is held in, over time it can turn and be directed at the self instead of the person or event that provoked it. The result is depression. Even in Western psychology, this disorder is often defined as anger turned inward. To prevent or solve this situation, find a way to take action, to start the energy flowing out instead of inward. Exercise is a great way to change the direction of anger, shifting back out from the self. Another way is through work, especially volunteering or acting to help others in some way. And using the understanding of anger being thunder, making noise is another great way to get the energy moving out again. Think of drumming, shouting, or singing!

  So the emotion of anger is bundled as part of your package as a Three. It’s what creates your drive, your focus, and your desire to move forward in life. If you can tap into this emotion as a healthy force, it can have beneficial results. The most powerful use of your Warrior energy is to create positive change in the world, to right wrongs, and to make this a better place.

  Careers

  To determine the types of careers that align with your inner design, we need to consider the influence of both your first and third numbers, so be sure to read the description of your calling in Chapter 5 as well.

  Because you’re so driven, competitive, and goal oriented, you can succeed as an entrepreneur, but once the business is up and running, you may not be so good at managing it or keeping it going. Your attention naturally goes to the next idea rather than staying with what you’ve just brought to life, so it’s best if you can put other people in place to take care of the day-to-day requirements. Then you don’t feel locked into a mundane routine.

  Threes can be successful attorneys because of their talent with preparing logical arguments and their competitive nature. Any career that has to do with thinking, analyzing, and planning can be fulfilling, such as architect, engineer, or analyst.

  You love to be active, so a career in sports or as a personal trainer ca
n be fulfilling; with your Warrior nature, work in the military or law enforcement is also attractive. Threes can enjoy politics as well because of their desire to make a difference. Other jobs that fit the Three nature are landscape designer, gardener, carpenter, or construction worker. Finally, you’d make an excellent personal coach because you’re so good at strategy and you don’t coddle people—you get them up off their rear ends and keep them going!

  First Number: Four

  Guide

  One term used for the Four personality is the gentle wind. That kind of breeze blows in curves, not straight lines, so here we find personal characteristics of flexibility and an easygoing nature. Fours are said to be natural counselors because they’re gentle and receptive to others and able to guide them in an open-minded and nonjudgmental manner.

  Another image for this personality is that of the bamboo, a plant that is flexible and bends as the breeze blows, easily adjusting to changing conditions. If you’re a Four, one of your greatest strengths is how adaptable you are, including your ability to deal with a wide variety of personality types. Things don’t always have to be your way—you can see the point someone else is trying to make and can find a way to accommodate their needs. Fours are consistently described as gracious and kind, and people tend to like them immediately on first meeting.

  Changeability

  You have a logical mind and excellent common sense, and this serves you especially well in terms of planning and problem solving. You’ll be able to create a good plan, but if you proceed and encounter obstacles, you’ll be able to change to come up with a plan B. The theme of changeability pervades the Four nature, but sometimes in challenging ways. You can struggle with indecisiveness, never feeling sure of your decisions, choosing a direction and then backing off to rethink it, or wavering between options. And if that bamboo is buffeted by too much wind, it can whip back and forth until it finally splinters. This is how your mind can react when facing a complicated decision, getting flustered by too many choices and thinking not only of plan B, but also plans C, D, and on through J, ending up feeling totally confused.