Exploration

by Quinn Ward

  “You know Mama’s going to skin you when she finds out what’s going on, right?” She’d also resent the implication she was too old to keep up with a toddler because she refused to admit she wasn’t as young as she used to be.

  “Yeah, well you of all people know what it’s like to not want to disappoint Mama.”

  “What in the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Don’t play me for a fool, Frankie. If you didn’t want everyone in the family to figure out that there’s more to you and Calvin than roommates, he should’ve stayed away from the restaurant. You know what a bunch of gossips they are.” Knowing I was likely the talk of the break room was one thing; having it confirmed was pretty much my worst nightmare. “I get why you didn’t come out when Papa was still alive, but what’s the big deal now?”

  “This is Mama we’re talking about. The one day of the week we can count on her not being at Marino’s until dinner time is Sundays because she’s busy at church.”

  “And she takes Nonno’s mass card with her when she goes to the casino and faces the Virgin Mother toward the slot machines for luck.” We’d tried explaining that it was probably a sin for her to do so, but she insisted it was fine as long as she donated a percentage of her winnings to the church. “Her faith isn’t as devout as you make it seem. She loves you, Frankie. She’s not going to stop loving you. Hell, she’ll probably offer to organize your wedding.”

  “We’re nowhere near that point,” I argued. “So fine, I should just walk into the kitchen this afternoon wearing a rainbow T-shirt proclaiming my gayness. What’s your excuse?”

  Freddie cleared his throat a few times and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Freddie appear rattled. Papa never saw it, but Freddie was the rock of our generation of Marinos. “I’ll get there, but I want to have something to tell her, first. Until then, I’m hoping you guys can help me minimize the questions I can’t answer for her.”

  “Whatever you need. Now get the hell out of here so I can load Sophia up on sugar before Matteo takes over.” I draped an arm over Freddie’s shoulder in a show of solidarity as I walked him to the door. He said goodbye to his daughter and reminded her to behave. She barely noticed, already engrossed in some cartoon. I stumbled off in search of coffee, hoping this was the calm after the storm.

  It was, right up until it wasn’t. Dinner rush went off without a hitch. Matteo had texted Freddie every possible picture he could think of to make him laugh. Sophia dumping candy into a shopping cart, her holding a bottle of Mountain Dew like it was her new favorite drink, and the two of them cuddling on the couch with a stack of horror DVDs between them.

  I was just about to lock up the office and escape when Tony came barreling into the kitchen.

  “Frankie, you have to do something about Mama. She’s out there lecturing some of our regular customers about their behavior again. I know she wants this to be a family restaurant, but these guys tip well and never come in when they’d be disrupting anyone who might get offended.”

  “What are they doing to upset Mama?”

  “That’s the thing, Frankie. They’re on their best behavior tonight,” Tony complained as I followed him to the back dining room. “Okay, so the last time they were in, she caught them getting a little too…” Tony’s cheeks flushed bright red. Now, I was intrigued. “Let’s just say the one couple is very comfortable with their sexuality. Too comfortable for Mama’s liking. And tonight, she’s already threatening to withhold dessert from them.”

  “That doesn’t seem all that bad.” This seemed like a lot of hype for nothing. I could be halfway to Tony’s place so I could get in on the fun of torturing Freddie by spoiling Sophia rotten.

  “It’s not. Yet,” he admitted. “But she put them at the very back of the dining room because she says they’re troublemakers. I’m confident I can smooth things over, but this group has been coming in a lot more frequently, and every time they bring friends with them.”

  “Let me see what I can do.” As I approached the table, I noticed one guy’s arm moving slightly. His hand was under the table, and given the sharp intake of breath from the smaller man next to him, there was little doubt what was happening. Maybe I should stop them, but it was late and there wasn’t anyone else around. I recognized a few of them from one night Calvin took me to The Lodge. The others weren’t familiar, but it was apparent they were all friends.

  “Gentlemen, how is everything tonight?” I asked, not wanting to lead them into a complaint if my brother was simply overreacting.

  “Good, except I’ve been told I can’t have cannoli,” one of them grumbled.

  “You’d get dessert if you knew how to behave in public,” the effeminate man next to him pointed out.

  “But it’s so much more fun when I don’t.” That drew laughter from everyone at the table. Behind me, Tony started coughing and I got the impression he was equally amused. “I haven’t even done anything. I’ve been on my best behavior since the moment we walked in.” The guy looked past me to Tony for confirmation. “Tell them, Tony. Tell your Mama I promise to be good if she’ll give me my cannoli.”

  “No can do, Grant.” Tony chuckled. “She’s still upset about overhearing you asking Carter if he was wearing satin panties you bought him.”

  “It’s not my fault she was eavesdropping,” Grant responded.

  “No, but it is on you that when you realized she was, you started telling me what you wanted to do to me when we got home in great detail.” Carter squirmed in his seat again. “It’s like you can’t help yourself sometimes.”

  Grant leaned in and started kissing his partner’s neck. I’d never been into guys who wore makeup, but Carter was stunning. The more they made out, the less capable I was of looking away. “When it comes to you, you know I can’t control myself.”

  Fuck, Calvin needed to get his ass home. I needed to get out of there before I made a fool of myself. “I’ll see what I can do about your cannoli, but it’s probably a lost cause. Mama’s not easily persuaded. Trust me, if there was a way, I’d have found it by now.”

  Tony followed me back to the kitchen. “Seriously, it’s been months that she’s been doing this.”

  “And you’re just now telling me?” I pushed through the swinging doors. “What do you expect me to do? Mama’s being Mama.”

  “Talk to her,” he pleaded. “Business is picking up and one of these times she’s going to say the wrong thing to the wrong customer and it’s going to sink everything we’ve been working to build.”

  “Fine. I’ll talk to her.” It wouldn’t get Grant his cannoli, but I’d do it for my brother.

  Mama was sitting at the end of the bar nearest the door. She liked greeting our customers every day, but by the end of the night, her feet gave her trouble. I sat next to her and signaled for Tabatha to grab Mama a glass of wine and a beer for me.

  “Mama, you know I love you, right?” I started, hating that I was about to lecture the woman who’d given birth to me. She nodded, but stared out the front window as she sipped her wine. “You can’t withhold dessert from paying customers.”

  “Then they should remember they’re not in the privacy of their own homes and act decent,” she responded. “Not everyone is comfortable with people like that flaunting themselves in public.”

  Ouch. The tired ‘they should keep their gay at home’ line stung when uttered by Mama. It confirmed all my fears about coming out to her.

  “They have just as much right as any other couple who walks through those doors to act like two people in love,” I argued. “Did any customers complain about their behavior?”

  “No, but that’s beside the point. This is a family establishment.”

  “And from what I saw, they’re each other’s family.” I drained my first beer and held it up so Tabatha knew I needed a refill. “Just because you don’t approve of their relationship doesn’t give you the right to scold them. They’re customers, not y
our children.”

  That got her attention. Mama straightened and slowly turned her stool to face me. “No, they’re not. If they were my children, I might have a few choicer words for them. That sort of behavior cannot be tolerated in public.”

  “What? So you think they should just keep their hands to themselves until they’re behind closed doors?” Tabatha slamming a cooler door made me acutely aware of how loud I was being. She didn’t realize that Mama had just struck a raw nerve. I was terrified of what I was about to do, but I was just as certain now was the time I needed to tell her my truth.

  “Don’t you talk back to me. I raised you better than that.” She shook her and tsked.

  For a minute, she had me convinced I was the one who was wrong. I was just about to apologize to her when I realized I had jack shit to apologize for. “You’re right, Mama. You did raise us better. You raised us to love one another. To respect others and treat them the way we’d want to be treated. So why can’t you live by the same rule?”

  “What they were doing is unacceptable in public,” she said again. I was getting awfully tired of her trying to gloss over her bigotry by implying gay couples can do whatever they want, but only in certain places.

  “What constitutes in public to you, Mama? Is it because this is a restaurant? Should they hide when they’re walking down the street or grocery shopping? Or is their behavior equally unacceptable to you when they’re visiting family?” I drained my second beer. “Every weekend, straight couples fill this restaurant and you never say a damn word about what they do. And if you’re being honest, you’ll admit many of them cross the lines of what’s acceptable in polite company. But you pass that off as young people in love because it’s normal for a man and a woman to show what they mean to one another. Well, those couples in the back room, they’re what the new normal looks like.

  “What would you say, Mama, if one of us showed up to the house with a boyfriend we happened to be in love with? Because it’s going to happen, and I truly hope that when it does, you won’t tell me that the home I grew up in isn’t a place where I’m allowed to love the man who’s brought me back to life.” I looked up to see Tabatha gaping at me before she pulled the drawer out of her register and closed the doors to the bar behind her, leaving us in private.

  Mama sipped at her wine and stared at me with sad eyes. She inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, I suppose that would depend…”

  “On what, Mama? I can’t believe you, the queen of unconditional love, would only accept Calvin as my partner if we meet certain demands. I love him, Mama, and I haven’t told you because I knew you’d be like this about it. He’s everything to me, and I want to be able to share him with my family. But if you’re going to tell me we can’t hug or I can’t kiss him on the cheek the same way Papa used to kiss you whenever he could reach you, that’s not okay.” A lump formed in my throat, and I regretted doing this here. No, that’s not true; we needed to get everything out in the open but being confrontational wasn’t going to make Mama listen to me.

  “Would either of you talk about wearing sexy lingerie while in mixed company?” I spluttered beer across the hardwood bar.

  “Of course not!”

  “And would this gentleman of yours discuss the intimate things he wants to do to you once you get home?”

  “Never.”

  “Well, then it seems to me you’d better tell this Calvin of yours to be at the house for Sunday night dinner next weekend.” I might’ve stopped breathing for a moment, waiting for the catch. Mama took my hand in both of hers. “Frankie, I’ve had many years to prepare myself for the possibility that one of my boys may be a homosexual. I hope you won’t be offended when I tell you it doesn’t surprise me in the least that it’s you.”

  Actually, that shocked the hell out of me. When Mama slid off her stool and wrapped me in her arms, I lost it. Tears streamed down my face as I apologized over and over for not trusting her to still love me even if she didn’t approve of my life. “Do you mean it? You want to meet him?”

  “We’ve met, but I’d like to get to know him better if he means so much to you.” She rubbed my back the way she always had when we were upset. “I love you, Francesco. Nothing will ever change that. Ever. I’m glad you finally told me, even if you didn’t mean to. I know it was eating away at you.”

  “How?”

  “A mother always knows.” She drank the last of her wine and pushed her glass to the rail. “I’m going to go home. Tomorrow, I’ll deal with your brother and tell him he’s also a fool for thinking he can hide from me.” After one final hug and a kiss on the cheek, Mama grabbed her handbag and walked towards the exit. “Oh, and tell Antonio those boys still can’t have their cannoli. They need to understand not everyone needs to hear the details of their exploits. And yes, Frankie, I get upset even when it’s a man and a woman. I’m from a different era, one where you kept your private life private no matter who you love.”

  For the third night in a row, I found my ass planted on a stool at the end of the bar at Club 83.

  19

  Frankie

  There was no good reason for me to head to the bar, other than I wanted my mind to quit spinning following my talk with Mama. I felt like an asshole for snapping on her the way I did, especially once she explained what her issue was and invited us to dinner. I knew I should’ve gone back to Tony and Enzo’s for their video game marathon, but I needed to be alone. Needed to not look at my brothers’ faces and be reminded of the hurt I’d caused Mama tonight. Plus, I was still pissed at Tony for blowing the situation out of proportion, making it seem as if Mama had offended our customers.

  Max was one hell of a bartender. By that, I mean he knew better than to ask why I’d gone from MIA to a frequent flyer at the bar. The only question he asked was whether I wanted beer or something harder. Since I’d already started the night with beer, I decided to play it safe and stick with a draft hard cider.

  Between customers, Max and I chatted about whatever random topics caught our attention. He reminded me to call him if we ever needed a bartender to fill in again, saying it was nice to make bank without feeling like he was selling himself as much as slinging drinks. I opened my mouth to argue there was a difference between selling your body and flirting when I felt a hand at the small of my back at the exact moment Max noticed someone impatiently flagging him down for another round.

  I didn’t think anything of the man behind me at first. After all, the men who came in here knew it was safe to be as forward as they wanted. I turned my stool so I could politely inform my would-be suitor that I wasn’t available when I was met with vibrant blue eyes. A lump formed in my throat, making it difficult to breathe. Men like him were the reason I’d stayed away for so long. My heartbeat raced as I thought about all the nights seeing his face had been exactly what I’d needed. He was more forceful than many of the guys I’d taken back to the storage room, but I’d never had an issue with that. Before Calvin, I’d have been wishing for someone like him after a day like I’d had.

  “I haven’t seen you around,” he shouted loud enough to be heard over the thumping bass before leaning close to my ear. “You had me worried something had happened. I asked the bartender about you, but he pretended he didn’t know who I was talking about.”

  “Max is good at minding his own business,” I told him. Once upon a time, the man before me, I think his name was Aaron or Andrew, was my idea of a perfect night. He came in, we disappeared down the hall, he came, and then left. No muss, no fuss. Seeing him when I was so unsettled tipped my world on end. I felt far drunker than I should have after three beers, but I knew that was my mind playing tricks on me, not anything hinky.

  My entire body tensed when he kissed my cheek. Never had there been any sort of intimacy between us. No matter how beautiful he might be, he was a business transaction. He gave me exactly what I craved, but that was before I had a taste of truly letting go. “I missed you. What’dya say we get out of here a
nd have some fun?”

  “I don’t do that anymore,” I told him. Foolishly, I thought that’d be enough for him to leave me alone. I was caught unaware when he slid an arm around my waist. “Come on, you don’t want a scene in front of your friends, do you? What would Eli say if he found out you were the one who’s been sucking cock for money in the back room?”

  “Let go of me,” I demanded. He looked up, and an evil smile broke out across his face. I followed his gaze and noticed Eli walking our direction. This could work out in my favor. Maybe. “He’ll never believe you if you tell him.”

  “No? Well he’ll have no choice once he sees the video of you down on your knees like a good little whore.” He pulled a phone out of his pocket and deftly scrolled to the still image of a video. And that was definitely me in what I used to consider my uniform for nights out. Fuck.

  I didn’t have time to consider my options before the guy squeezed his hand around my forearm and pulled me off the stool. I could fight, but then the cops would get called, and Eli’s liquor license was still provisional thanks to issues the previous owners had. I could call for help, but who’d believe me? As I looked around, I saw no fewer than half a dozen dudes I’d taken to the storage room for a little release. Plus, there was the issue of Eli. What would he think if he found out his best friend was living with the whore who’d turned tricks inside his business? I couldn’t risk my past ruining their friendship. Once we were outside, then I’d figure out what to do.

  “That’s a good boy.” The praise flowing from his lips soured my stomach. “That’s right, Frankie. I know your little secret. I know you get off on being told what to do and that being called a good boy makes you hard as steel.”