Exploration

by Quinn Ward

  “How in the fuck would you know that?” I hissed through gritted teeth.

  “I’ve seen you and your wannabe Dom coming out of The Lodge. It was a complete coincidence, but when I saw how you reacted to him calling you a good boy, I felt like I’d been given a second chance.”

  “You’re fucking delusional.” The grip around my arm tightened and he twisted my arm behind me.

  “Maybe I am, but eventually, a man like that won’t be enough for you.” He said this as if he knew the first fucking thing about me. “He can give you so much, but you need to feel owned to truly let go. That’s what makes you such a good little whore.”

  I jerked to the right, trying to break free from his grip. I’d never felt physically weak or insignificant, but in that moment, I did. My arm felt ready to snap, but no one paid us any attention. Just a few more steps and we’d be to the door. Then I could figure out what to do. I could break free and run like hell back to Marino’s, praying he didn’t follow me. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be him finding out who I really was. It was bad enough he knew my fucking name.

  The cool night air hit me as he led me through the door. He pressed his body against my back, hiding the evidence that I wasn’t with him willingly. Just as I opened my mouth to scream, the fucker bit my ear. “Don’t cause a scene. You get the cops called on us and I’ll be forced to show them that video.”

  I bit down on my lips, as much to stay silent as to keep from crying like a little bitch. My arm felt ready to pop out of its socket, and I didn’t want to think about what would happen if the asshole got me into his car. “Going to have so much fun with you tonight. I’ll show you what it’s really like to be owned.” He ground his erection against my ass and I wanted to hurl. Despite the chill in the air, my body broke out in sweats, more terrified with every step we took away from the Saturday night partiers. This end of the street was darker and deserted, perfect for forcing someone against their will without being noticed.

  He shoved me around the corner into a dark alley and I panicked when I ran into someone. I swung my right arm, certain that this fucker had an accomplice, making solid contact with the other man’s cheekbone.

  “Motherfucker!” I had to be losing my mind. No way—“What the fuck, Frankie?”

  Spooked that we’d run into someone who knew me, the asshole shoved me to the ground and bolted. Before I made contact with the sidewalk, Tony caught me, letting out a grunt of pain.

  “You okay? What the fuck did I just walk up on? Who in the hell was that asshole?” Tony helped me off the ground. “Let’s get you a drink.”

  I froze when he steered us back toward Club 83. I couldn’t go back there. Wasn’t sure when I’d be able to without thinking about all the things that could’ve happened. Every time I’d dropped to my knees, I’d potentially put my life at risk. I’d let myself fall into a false sense of security, thinking I was in control, but tonight proved that was only an illusion.

  “I… I need to go…” Where was I going to go? What I needed was to go home to Calvin, but he wasn’t there, and I wasn’t sure I could deal with an empty house tonight.

  “Come on, I’ve got you.” Tony didn’t pry as we walked to his car. When he draped an arm over my shoulder, I sank against his body for support. He sent a quick text to someone before starting the car and we rode in silence to the apartment he and Enzo shared.

  Upstairs, the door opened and Enzo hugged me close. That was the final straw that broke me. These people loved me no matter what, and I hadn’t trusted them with my secrets. I’d hid so many pieces of myself I wasn’t sure they’d ever know everything.

  Enzo walked me to the living room and handed me a beer once I was settled on the couch. I could hear him and Tony whispering in the kitchen and was grateful I wouldn’t have to fill in everything that’d led to my meltdown. The longer I sat there, the more certain I became that honesty was the only way forward.

  “How you feeling?” Tony asked. The twins flanked either side of me on the couch. “Need some ice for that wrist?”

  I twisted my hand around and shook my head, even though it was going to be sore in the morning. If they knew how much it hurt, Tony would be on the phone to Freddie and they’d hunt down the asshole. Rather than start the inquisition, Enzo turned on an action flick filled with explosions and car chases. Honesty could wait until morning. I was here, safe, and exhausted. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

  The movie was still playing when a knock at the door jolted me awake. “Where is he?”

  How in the fuck?

  “He’s asleep in the living room,” Tony responded.

  “I’m awake.” I sat up and smoothed my hands down my shirt before standing. As soon as Calvin came into view, I was filled with a confusing mix of anxiety and the need to jump over the back of the couch so I could confirm I wasn’t dreaming. “How’d you get here so fast?”

  “We got on the road earlier today. Ryan’s got a wicked ear infection and no balance. I told him we could stay so he could support the guys, but he wanted to come home.” As he explained his early arrival, he stalked through the living room until we were standing chest to chest. “I called the restaurant when you weren’t answering your phone, and Tony told me you’d left already.

  “I was ready to be angry with you for ignoring me, especially once he told me everything that’s been going on, but now I’m just glad you’re okay.” Calvin folded his arms around me, pressing my head to his chest as he kissed the top of my head. “Don’t you ever fucking scare me like that again.”

  “I’m sorry, Cal. I didn’t go in there tonight looking for someone to pick up. You have to believe me.” I fisted his shirt in my hands, scared that he’d pull away. That he wouldn’t trust me. And why should he? Whether or not I’d been trying to turn a quick trick, I went back there knowing what used to happen every single time. That fucker’s voice echoed in my head, berating me for being a whore, telling me the only thing I was good for was sucking cock.

  “I know, baby. I called Eli on my way over here to see if he knew anything. He’s going to look at the cameras and see if he can make out the guy’s face. He won’t hurt you again.” I wanted to believe him, but there was no way I could take this to the cops. If I did, he’d show them the video and I’d wind up in a cell right beside him.

  “I just want to go home,” I pleaded. “I don’t want to think about him anymore. You believe me that I didn’t want to leave with him, right?” It was imperative that I hear those words from Cal.

  “Yes, baby, Tony told me what happened. That’s why I called Marisa and had her meet me at your brother’s to take Ryan home.” He sighed, and I took that quiet sound to mean there was something more he wasn’t saying. He believed me, but he was still upset with me. This weekend had been a test, and I’d let him down.

  We quickly said our goodbyes. Both of my brothers hugged me tight, telling me they were glad I was okay. Calvin thanked Tony for being there for me and for calling him, then promised the guys he’d take care of me. It was an unnecessary promise, I realized, because ever since that first night Calvin caught me in the back room, that’s exactly what he’d been doing. But tonight proved his efforts may be too little, too late. The damage was already done and there would always be someone like that asshole tonight who thought that because they’d paid for a piece of me once, they could demand more now.

  “Stop beating yourself up,” Calvin said as he helped me into the car.

  Something Calvin mentioned bothered me. I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened at the bar tonight, but this was something I could clear up. “Cal, the only reason you didn’t know about the stupid shit going on with my brothers and at work is because you were out of cell range a lot of the time. I thought about texting you like we’d agreed, but I didn’t want your phone flooded when you had service again. I promise, I wasn’t trying to keep it from you again.”

  “I believe you.” He waited until I buckled my seat
belt, then he closed my door. That was the end of the conversation until we got to Cal’s house. Our house. Hell, my brain was so jumbled I didn’t even know what to call it anymore. I stood at the threshold, reluctant to cross. No matter how many times Cal promised he trusted me, it did nothing to silence the voices in my head. His voice in my head, now hurling insults borne from my own sub-conscious. “It’s been a long day, let’s go to bed.”

  I allowed Calvin to take my hand and lead me to the bedroom. I stood still as a statue while he stripped me out of my clothes. He tossed them into the hamper, but he could burn them for all I cared. I wanted to be rid of anything that could possibly remind me of what could’ve happened tonight. I shuddered as it crossed my mind how badly things would’ve likely turned out had Tony not happened to be walking up the sidewalk when he was.

  “It’s okay. You’re safe now,” Calvin whispered, running his hands down my arms. I whimpered when he wrapped his fingers around my wrists, and he instantly released me. His nostrils flared as he took a few deep breaths. I’d never seen him this angry before. Wasn’t used to anyone getting so upset on my behalf. He guided me to the bed and released me long enough to pull back the comforter. “Lay down. I’m going to get you some ibuprofen and ice for that wrist.”

  “I just need you, Cal.” I reached out to him, coming back with nothing but air as he was already on his way out of the room. Story of my life. I rolled over and clutched Calvin’s pillow, inhaling deeply as I prayed this wasn’t the beginning of the end. When he came back a minute or two later, ibuprofen and a bottle of water in one hand and ice pack in the other, I felt like an idiot. Calvin said he loved me. He proved it every day in the way he took care of me. We’d get through this.

  “Sit up,” he instructed, sliding behind me as soon as I complied, opening the water and holding it out for me. As I sipped, he held the ice pack to my wrist and kissed the side of my head. “Is that helping?”

  Physically, I ached, but Calvin holding me quieted the voices in my head. I relaxed against his chest, allowing my head to fall back against his shoulder. “This is perfect, thank you.”

  20

  Calvin

  I curled my fingers around the edge of the vanity and closed my eyes. It’d been an exhausting week, filled with frustration for both of us. I wanted to help Frankie get out of his head. Wanted to bring him to that place of peace he used to crave, but I was scared. Every night, I awoke to him thrashing around in the sheets, screaming for his assailant to let him go. He insisted he was fine because he wasn’t physically assaulted, but when he finally succumbed to exhaustion, his subconscious cried out for help. And I didn’t know how to pull him out of this.

  He’d even taken some time off from work with Tony and Enzo covering for him so their mama didn’t barge into our house to find out what was wrong with him. As far as she knew, I’d surprised him with a much-deserved vacation. The guilt of lying to her on top of everything else had ground the man I love down to dust.

  I heard Frankie crossing through the bedroom to our bathroom, so I splashed some water on my face and put my mask back in place. Right now, he needed me to be strong enough for both of us. I watched in the mirror as he approached me. Somewhere between the bed and here, he’d stripped out of his briefs. We maintained eye contact through the mirror as if there was a spell cast and I was incapable of turning around to greet him. Beneath the towel I wore following my morning shower, my cock thickened at the heat in his eyes. Yes, the pain was still there, but there was desire I’d ignored since the night of the incident, telling myself it’d be wrong to push him to do anything physical.

  Frankie reached up as he closed the distance between us, running his fingers through my damp hair. When he pressed his chest against my back, I felt his erection press against the cleft of my ass. Although I almost never bottomed, in that moment, I wondered if that was something he would ever be open to. I sure as hell wasn’t insecure enough to think him fucking me would alter the dynamic we’d built between us.

  He licked his way up my spine, collecting every rivulet of water like a man dying of thirst. “I need you, Cal. Stop trying to protect me.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” I told him, turning so I could look into his eyes. I cupped his ass, lifting slightly so our cocks rubbed together. “Don’t want to rush you before you’re ready. I’ll be here no matter how long that takes.”

  “Now,” he insisted. “Need you to show me you love my broken pieces. Need to know you don’t see me as damaged goods. I’m never going to get better if you keep treating me like I’ll break.”

  “Sex can’t fix this,” I argued. The harder Frankie worked to prove he wasn’t haunted by what had happened, the more I realized he needed more help than I could give him. I’d tried suggesting he talk to a professional, but he insisted he was fine – god, I hated that fucking word – and that he didn’t need therapy. I disagreed.

  “No, but it’ll make me feel like you still want me. That’s what I need right now.” He buried his face against my chest the way he did whenever he felt unsure. We would be talking about therapy again, after I showed him how much I still wanted him.

  I groaned as Frankie wrapped his fingers around my shaft and started jerking me off. When he inched back without stopping, I had no choice but to follow him back to the bedroom. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, silently pleading with me to give him what he needed. With a hope and a prayer, I wrapped an arm around his waist and walked him backwards until his knees hit the edge of the mattress, then pushed him down.

  “If it gets to be too much, say the word and I’ll stop.” So far, I’d never pushed Frankie to his limits, and I had no intentions of tonight being that night. But last weekend changed everything and it went against my nature to give him even this much. I would, because of his impassioned plea for me to help him this way.

  “Nothing you do could ever be too much.” Frankie threw his arms around my shoulders, pulling himself up so he could attack my mouth. His hips arched off the bed trying to grind his cock against mine. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Frankie. More than you’ll ever know.” I forced Frankie to release his hold on me and began kissing my way down his chest, stopping to bite one nipple while flicking the other. Frankie moaned, arching deeper into my fist. I licked down to his navel, looking up at him. “This what you needed?”

  “More,” he pleaded, pounding his fists against the mattress as I continued my descent past his navel. I kissed my way down his length before sucking one nut into my mouth. One finger pressed against Frankie’s entrance, never breaching him. My goal was to drive him crazy to the point of incoherence. He wanted to forget? Well, by the time I was through with him he’d barely be able to remember his own name.

  “Hold your cock for me,” I instructed him. Without hesitation, he wrapped his fist around the base of his shaft and started jerking himself as I licked his taint. I sat back on my heels out of Frankie’s reach. “I didn’t tell you to jack yourself off.”

  His hand stilled and I wrapped my lips around the head of his cock, pressing my tongue to the slit. When I pressed my fingers against Frankie’s lips, he sucked them into his mouth, moaning in anticipation of what was to come. The way he worked my fingers with his tongue, I debated a change of plans because damn did I miss the way he took me all the way to the root, his throat contracting until he gagged. There was a damn good reason he used to have a lucrative side business sucking dick. I stilled at the thought, ashamed for allowing it to cross my mind in light of the reason we hadn’t been intimate in the eight days since the attack. If I had my way, my dick would be the last dick he ever sucked.

  The sudden wave of jealousy had me sucking harder and faster as one finger entered him. Before he could adjust to the intrusion, I added a second, fucking him in time with the movement of my mouth. His thighs tensed, and I knew he was getting close. It would’ve been so damn easy to make him come, but I wasn’t ready for this to be over, so I pulled out and
covered his body with mine. Frankie grabbed the back of my neck, pulling me down to him once again. I bit his bottom lip, clamped my hand around his jaw, taking control of the kiss.

  “Who’s in control here,” I ground out, holding his head in place so he couldn’t look anywhere but at me.

  “You are, Cal,” he answered breathlessly.

  “And are you still good with that?” I wasn’t sure what’d happen if Frankie said no, but I felt confident he wouldn’t.

  “Yes please,” he begged. “Want you to make me forget all the bad shit. Please Cal, I need you.”

  Once we were both breathless from kissing, I crawled up Frankie’s body until I was straddling his chest. My will to resist having his lips around my cock snapped. “Open up.”

  Wrapping one hand around my shaft, I slowly fed him my length, teasing him the entire time. I knew how much Frankie loved the struggle of taking all of me, so I gave him little more than the tip. On every languid inward thrust, I went deeper. His neck strained, lifting his head off the pillow, chasing my dick as I retreated when I became the one in need of a breather. Fuck, the things this man did to me.

  As I reached for the lube and a condom, I caught a glimpse of the alarm clock on the opposite side of the room. It was a harsh reminder that we didn’t have time for me to draw this out as long as I’d like. I rolled the condom on and quickly lubed myself up. When I coated my fingers and started fucking him again to make sure he was good and ready for the brutal fucking I had planned, he began writhing on the bed, begging me to fuck him. That was the reaction I was going for.

  I braced his thighs with my arms and sank into him in one quick stroke. Frankie grunted at the discomfort of my intrusion, but never quit pleading with me to give him more. He placed his hands on my hips, trying to pull me back to him as I pulled out. “Put your hands on the headboard.”

  Once Frankie obeyed, I dug my fingers into his thighs and began pounding into him. His back arched off the bed as he succumbed to the ecstasy of being completely at my mercy. My strokes slowed when I felt my body tensing in preparation of my release. I reached for his cock, wanting the clench of his ass to be what drove me over the edge.