It Was Always You

by Georgie Capron

  ‘Do I know him?’ Libby’s mind reeled with potential candidates; she scanned through all their mutual friends, wondering who on earth it could possibly be. Jules wouldn’t answer the question.

  ‘Is he married?’ she asked. Her pulse was racing with anger on Angus’s behalf.

  Jules nodded again, just a fraction, but enough to confirm what Libby had suspected.

  ‘Jules!’ Libby’s mind was reeling. She didn’t know what to say. This was the most awful news she had ever heard.

  ‘Don’t tell Angus,’ Jules said. ‘You have to swear you won’t.’

  She looked so miserable and so fragile sitting there opposite her, her eyes begging Libby to agree to protect her secret. Libby wanted to reach out and hug her. But she was too cross.

  ‘I don’t know, Jules He’s just as close a friend to me as you are.’ Her heart swelled with emotion at the thought of him.

  ‘It will kill him,’ Jules said simply. ‘It’ll destroy our marriage. You can’t. Not even Luca. Promise me you won’t say a word.’

  Slowly Libby nodded. She was right; it would destroy Angus. What a position to be put in. She wished she had never asked. How was she ever supposed to face Angus again knowing this secret? And why should she choose Jules over Angus? There was no way out of this without betraying either one of her best friends. Her head spun with the reality of what she had heard.

  ‘When did it happen?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry, Libby. I feel sick with shame; I couldn’t help myself. I can’t say anything more.’

  Libby didn’t know what to do. They sat in awkward silence for a while before Jules tried to change the subject, asking Libby about work. Libby responded to her questions automatically, but she was too shocked and upset with Jules to really engage with her.

  She left shortly after, walking all the way home. She couldn’t believe her best friend was capable of having an affair, of being the potential cause of the destruction of not only her own marriage, but someone else’s. No wonder she looked so terrible. Living with the guilt must be awful. Libby couldn’t help but think that Jules deserved to feel so bad. Every time she thought about Angus she wanted to cry. He was the kindest, loveliest man she knew and the last person on earth who deserved to be treated like this. Not only was Jules denying him the chance of having a family, despite knowing how much it hurt him, she had now shown utter contempt for him and their marriage vows by acting so despicably.

  For the rest of the day, Libby’s thoughts raced. She held Izzy close and rocked her gently, thanking god for her own little family. Her and Luca’s relationship certainly wasn’t perfect. They weren’t as close as they once had been, and she knew deep down that Luca wasn’t entirely happy with their life together here in London, but she trusted him and she was grateful for that.

  Chapter Twenty

  Libby felt terribly burdened by the awful secret that, against her will, she was helping Jules to keep. She tried to persuade her to do the right thing and tell Angus what she had done, but Jules was adamant that she couldn’t. She begged Libby to keep her silence. Libby felt torn to breaking point.

  Luca noticed something was up and asked her if everything was OK. ‘Yes, everything’s fine,’ she lied. ‘I’m just a bit stressed at work at the moment.’ He seemed worried about her all of a sudden, fussing over her and looking at her with concern. Work was her go-to cover for feeling a bit low. She had used exactly the same excuse when Angus had asked her the same question. She was clearly not as good as she would have hoped at acting normally around him. She was terrified she would blurt out the truth at any second, and yet she was equally tempted to do exactly that. It wasn’t right that Angus was sacrificing the chance of being a father to stay with someone who had been unfaithful to him. Jules didn’t deserve him.

  One evening later that week, Luca went out to the shops saying that they were out of milk. His phone had been buzzing in his pocket on and off over dinner, but he kept ignoring it, despite her asking him repeatedly whether he was going to answer the call. He had shrugged his shoulders vaguely and ignored her. As he walked down the stairs, the door banging shut behind him, she heard him answer the phone. She wondered who it was.

  Not long later, the key turned in the lock and Luca came back in. His entire body language had changed. He had no milk. He hadn’t been gone long enough to go to a shop. A combination of panic and worry clouded his face.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Libby asked him. ‘Has something happened back home?’ Her heart began to pound as she took in the tension in his body. She knew that he must have had some horrific news.

  He stood frozen to the spot as he closed the door behind him. He turned to face Libby. She saw the nervous expression on his face and in an instant she knew he was about to confess something. Something he was terrified that she would find out.

  ‘Libby, I’m so sorry.’ Tears filled his eyes and he trembled with emotion. He looked like a lost little boy half his age.

  ‘What is it?’ she breathed. ‘Who was on the phone?’

  ‘It was Jules.’ Luca couldn’t look at her; he was staring at the floor.

  ‘Jules?’ What could Jules possibly have said to make Luca react like this? Surely she hadn’t told him about her affair? ‘Luca. Talk to me! What’s going on?’

  He took a deep breath and forced himself to look at her.

  ‘Angus just found out that Jules and I have been having an affair,’ he said. ‘He found messages on her phone—’

  ‘What?’ she asked, completely unable to process what she had heard.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Libby. I’m so ashamed of myself. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking… I couldn’t help myself…’

  Time stopped as his words slowly sank into her consciousness. She felt as if a bomb had exploded inside her. Her senses reeled.

  ‘You?’ she whispered. ‘I knew she had had an affair but…’ She tailed off in disbelief.

  ‘You knew?’ he asked.

  ‘A couple of weeks ago I practically forced her to tell me. I could tell something was wrong…’

  ‘Oh my god,’ he said, rubbing his temples.

  ‘You?’ she said again. ‘It was you? It can’t be. It cannot be true.’ She shook her head, desperate to block out the unthinkable images that were flooding her mind of the two of them together.

  ‘When?’ she said. ‘When did it happen?’

  ‘It started a few months ago—’

  ‘A few months ago?’ Libby shouted, wide eyed. ‘You mean this wasn’t just a one-off?’ She was still desperately trying to make sense of what he was telling her.

  ‘No. It wasn’t. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘How many times?’

  ‘I don’t know Libby.’

  ‘Tell me!’ she yelled, suddenly overcome with anger. ‘Tell me right now.’ She had to know the extent of their betrayal. Her fiancé and her best friend. How could this possibly be happening?

  ‘I don’t know – maybe thirty?’ he said weakly.

  ‘Thirty times? You have had sex, with my best friend, thirty times. You BASTARD!’ she screamed, running over to him and pounding her fists against his chest. Her cheeks were flushed and she felt herself shaking with shock. ‘How could you?’

  A million questions flashed through her mind. ‘Did you sleep with her here? Did you sleep with her in our bed? What the hell were you thinking?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Libby, it just happened…’

  ‘It just happened…’ Libby repeated. ‘You are the father of my child, you are engaged to me, or had you conveniently forgotten that?’ She wrenched the ring from her finger, suddenly desperate to get it off. Her eyes were hot with tears. She flung it at him. ‘You can take that back, you arsehole! To think that I could even have considered marrying you. You cheating, lying, conniving bastard! You haven’t changed one bit, have you?’ Her voice was dripping with disgust. ‘I can’t believe I thought you could, that I believed you.’

  ‘I wish I
had been able to, Libby. I was sure that you were different… that this time it would be different.’ He shook his head.

  ‘But it wasn’t. You can’t control yourself, can you? You are so pathetic. And Jules… how she could have done this is beyond anything I can understand. Even if you were attracted to each other, how could you act on it? Where is your loyalty to me? To Angus?’ Libby collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor. Luca came over to her and she shoved him away, choking on her tears.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Luca repeated, again and again. ‘I am so, so sorry.’

  ‘Sorry isn’t good enough, Luca,’ she said eventually. Barely able to ask the question she whispered, ‘Do you love her?’

  Luca nodded his head slowly. ‘I have feelings for her. I can’t deny it.’

  ‘Do you love her?’

  ‘I think I might – I don’t know.’

  Suddenly Libby saw red; she couldn’t stand it a second longer. ‘I can’t even look at you right now. I want you to get out of my house. Get out! Get out!’ She got up to her feet and pushed him and shoved him, hitting him and lashing out, tears streaming down her face, hysterical sobs rising up her throat and choking her. She thought she might vomit. She forced Luca out of the door and slammed it shut behind him.

  Sitting on the floor, she wailed a harrowing cry, screaming in agony. The noise woke Izzy who began to whimper softly in the next-door room. Blind with tears, Libby stumbled over and opened the door, picking up her daughter and cradling her against her chest, comforting her as she tried to make sense of it all.

  How could Jules do this to her? To Angus? How could she possibly have done such a thing? They had grown up together. They had known each other nearly all their lives. There was no one apart from Angus who knew her better. What kind of person would sleep with her best friend’s fiancé, the father of her best friend’s child? It was unthinkable. Like something you read about in a magazine, not real life. Not Jules. Not her and Jules.

  And Luca… how ironic that she had thought he had changed. She realised now that her first impressions of him had been accurate. She wanted the earth to swallow her up as she realised just how naïve she had been. She had fallen under his spell, revelling in the attention he gave her, glorying in his affection, sure that it would last forever, that he had changed his ways. The truth sounded so tragic: Luca the great womaniser, trapped in a relationship because of an accidental pregnancy, all the while desperate to escape. Had there been anyone else, she wondered? Probably. Oh my god, she thought. What an idiot I have been. What an absolute idiot.

  He had never changed; it had all just been a pretence. Why the hell had he even bothered proposing? He clearly had no intention of being faithful. She remembered all too clearly how he had explained that monogamy was for fools, right back when they had first met; that it was unnatural for a man and a woman to be anything other than friends; that even if he fell head over heels in love with someone, sooner or later he would get bored and stray. She felt partly responsible. She had chosen to ignore that; chosen to ignore the alarm bells that had rung in her head. She had hoped that he would be different for her, that she could change him. How could she have been so stupid? She should have listened to her instincts; she should have taken Giulia’s advice on that very first day at La Casetta. She thought of Angus, what he would be thinking right now, and her heart went out to him. They had both been betrayed by their other halves, betrayed by their friends.

  Izzy settled in Libby’s arms as her sobs turned to streams of silent tears and her breathing became more even. Izzy’s sleep-suit was wet from her tears. She kissed her peacefully sleeping face and carefully laid her back in the cot.

  She went back into the sitting room. Her phone was ringing. It was Jules. Suddenly overcome by an anger so fierce she was frightened by its strength, she picked up the phone and answered the call.

  ‘Libby… I’m so sorry. Luca told me that you know. He had to tell you, Angus found messages on my phone from Luca and he figured it out… I knew that Angus would tell you so I called Luca. I wanted him to be the one to tell you first. I-I don’t know what to say… I’m so, so sorry.’ Jules desperately pleaded for forgiveness. Libby listened to her in silence, she sounded so pathetic. Eventually she could stomach it no longer.

  ‘You bitch,’ Libby said, her voice steady and ice cold. ‘How could you? You lied to my face; you had every opportunity to tell me. You slept with my fiancé, the father of my child. I will never, ever forgive you. You are dead to me. I never want to see you again. Stay the hell away from me. Do not contact me again.’ She hung up the phone. This couldn’t be happening.

  Suddenly her breathing came in jagged spurts as the momentousness of the evening’s events hit her like a ton of bricks. She felt as though she couldn’t get any air into her lungs. She felt choked for breath, as though she was suffocating. She ran over to the window and flung it open, taking in gulps of fresh air. She needed to stay calm but the shock was too much. She knew that from the moment she had heard those words, her life had altered its course irreversibly. She would have to rethink her entire future. Izzy would not grow up living with her father. Libby would be a single parent, and would have to go through the rest of her life without her best friend. There was no way she could even consider forgiving either of them for what they had done.

  Later there was a knock at the door. Libby had fastened it with the chain. When Luca opened the door with his key, it only opened an inch. ‘Libby? Let me in. Please let me in. I have to talk to you. I have to know that you are OK.’

  She didn’t reply. She just stared at the door from her position on the sofa, unable to move.

  ‘Libby, please. I know you are there. I have to try and explain.’

  As she listened to him talk, she noticed that he never asked for her forgiveness. He didn’t tell her that he loved her and would do anything to make it up to her. He just wanted to explain, to justify his actions to her, and to himself, so that they didn’t seem so bad. He didn’t want to make her feel better, he wanted to comfort himself. She refused to say a word, sitting mutely as she let his words wash over her. He was crying now, pleading with her to let him in, to see Izzy.

  Eventually, realising it was pointless, he gave up. He closed the door and walked slowly down the stairs. She had no idea where he would go. She didn’t want to know. She continued to stare at the door, utterly broken. She felt as though she might be losing her mind.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Her voicemail beeped as the message echoed down the line once more. ‘Libby, I wish you would answer your phone. I want to see how you are, how Izzy is. Please… Look, I am with Jules. We are in Sussex. I’m sorry but I do really care about Jules and we’ve decided to be together. We wouldn’t have done this to you or to Angus if we weren’t serious about each other. I hope one day you can forgive us. I’ll let you know when I’m back in London so we can arrange when I can come and see Izzy. I’m sorry. I wish things had worked out differently. You are an amazing person.’

  Angus passed back the phone. Tears shimmered in his eyes. She couldn’t bear to see him like this. Libby had listened to the message so many times that she knew it off by heart. Jules had told Angus face to face that she was leaving to be with Luca, but Libby had refused to see him, to have any contact with him, so he had left her a voicemail instead.

  ‘I just can’t believe it,’ he shook his head again. ‘What kind of people are they?’

  ‘They certainly aren’t who we thought they were,’ Libby said. Her eyes were swollen from all the tears she had cried. Angus looked shell-shocked; they both did. Deep bags shadowed his blue eyes.

  ‘I think I would find it easier if it had been anyone else,’ Angus said. ‘I just feel so ashamed of her; I can’t believe she could do that to you… To me, yes. I could have seen it coming. Things haven’t been great between us for quite some time, but neither of us knew what to do about it. It was almost inevitable that something would break us. Not that it makes this any le
ss difficult. I thought about ending it myself, you know. I almost did once. I wanted to start over with someone who could give me a family. I felt desperate to have a chance at becoming a dad… But I just couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t walk away from all those years of marriage. I would never have broken my marriage vows; to me that just was never and never would be an option.’

  ‘I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but I think this is probably going to be a good thing for you, Angus.’ Libby took his hand and turned to face him. ‘The fact that Jules could do that to you, and to me, just shows what kind of a person she is. She has clearly got no loyalty, no principals; she’s just so selfish that all she cares about is herself, what she wants.’

  ‘I think you’re right.’ He took a deep breath, putting his head in his hands and rubbing his temples.

  ‘You deserve so much more than that; you are the best person I know. And some day you’re going to make an incredible dad.’ She rested her head on his shoulder as they sat side by side on the sofa, partners in their misery. Tears rolled down her cheeks once again and she turned to rest her face against his chest. It felt as though they were grieving. Angus stroked her hair and held her closely. She breathed in the familiar, comforting smell of him and felt her sobs subside; she could feel the rhythmic beating of his heart against her cheek.

  ‘Thank god we’ve got each other,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  It was all slowly starting to sink in.

  ‘When do you think this all started?’ Angus asked her.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about that, going through any possible clues that I might have missed. Luca was clearly an expert at covering his tracks. Not that that should surprise me, given his history. God, I feel so naïve…’

  ‘I guess I just wasn’t paying much attention to Jules. I’ve been so engrossed in work. I preferred spending time in the studio alone to coming home to more arguments.’