It Was Always You

by Georgie Capron

  ‘I bet it was all that time they spent working on Jules’s portfolio.’

  ‘It must be.’

  ‘Luca said it had only been a few months. I’ve been thinking – maybe it started as far back as that weekend they spent together? When I asked Jules to entertain Luca because he was so bored and lonely? How bloody ironic. She certainly took that request to heart, didn’t she?’

  ‘Where do you think they did it?’ asked Angus, wincing at the thought even as he asked the question.

  ‘Don’t! I can’t bear thinking about it.’ Libby still couldn’t get her head around the fact that they had actually slept together.

  ‘Do you think they did it in our beds?’ he asked.

  ‘Probably.’ She shook her head in disbelief. The thought made her feel physically sick.

  ‘I can’t stop trying to piece it all together. I knew Luca wasn’t happy, but I thought it was just him missing Italy. I can’t believe how trusting I was.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Libs.’

  ‘There were so many clues, so many times when he was down or distant… I just left him to it.’

  ‘I feel the same… I never thought she would cheat on me. It genuinely never crossed my mind.’

  ‘I should have known these client meetings he’d started having in the evenings were a load of crap. Him suddenly making plans at the weekends—’

  ‘Libby, please… Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not the one at fault here. Luca is. I never really trusted him, you know. I never thought he was good enough for you. I’m sorry about the way I behaved when I found out you were pregnant. You know I think I was jealous in some way, that you were having a child when I wanted one so badly. That this random guy could just click his fingers and have you, a family, the kind of life that I wanted so much – and after such a short fling… I couldn’t bear it.’

  ‘He only stayed with me because of the baby,’ said Libby. ‘If it hadn’t been for Izzy, we never would have lasted past the summer. We certainly never would have got engaged. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t fallen pregnant…’

  They sat in silent contemplation on the sofa, slowly processing it all, allowing it all to gradually sink in.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  As the dust slowly began to settle, Libby was forced to piece together a new routine for herself and Izzy. Zoe had kindly agreed to extend her childcare days to five days a week so that Luca could be excused from his parental responsibilities on Fridays. Apparently Luca and Jules were still in Sussex. He had been phoning her frequently since the night he left, but it had taken her a good three weeks until she felt able to answer the phone.

  ‘Luca,’ she said, her hand trembling as she finally clicked the icon to receive the call.

  ‘Libby, thank you for answering,’ he said, relieved to have finally got through. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine.’ She couldn’t talk to him about what he had done, about her feelings. It was too raw and too painful.

  ‘I’m so sorry—’ he began.

  ‘Don’t.’ Libby interrupted him. She took a deep breath. ‘I’m not answering the phone so that we can have a conversation about what you have done, Luca. I’ll talk to you about Izzy, but that’s it.’

  He paused. ‘I understand,’ he said. She could picture him so clearly, her heart hurt at the thought. She wondered whether Jules was by his side, listening, and she hardened her heart once more. ‘How is she? I miss her.’

  ‘Then you shouldn’t have left her.’ She couldn’t help it; tears smarted in her eyes. Calming herself, she gave him a cursory update to let him know that his daughter was all right.

  ‘Will you let me see her when I get back to London?’

  ‘Are you still in Sussex?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Jules too?’ It pained her to even say Jules’s name.

  ‘Yes.’

  She waited for a minute, knowing what the right thing to do was but reluctant to agree to it. ‘I’ll let you see her,’ she said.

  Despite everything he had done, she knew that she didn’t want Izzy to miss out on having a good relationship with her father. Her own dad had meant the world to her, and nothing Luca did could alter the fact that he was Izzy’s father. She would have to put up with his treatment of her for her daughter’s benefit, even though all she really wanted to do was cut him out completely from her life and delete him from her memory. But life was never that straightforward. She didn’t have to see Jules, though, and she told Luca that when he was with Izzy she did not want Jules to be there too. He agreed, promising that he would see Izzy alone. She had hung up the phone before her resolve crumbled, too proud to let him hear the emotion in her voice, and then given way to the inevitable tears.

  The days continued to roll by. With each day that passed, Libby regained a slither of her former independence, but at night, as she lay alone in bed, she was all too aware of the empty space beside her. Luca had vacated their home, and the lack of his presence left a gaping hole. She felt as though she had been plucked from the security of her relationship and dropped into the middle of an ocean. She was paddling manically to stay afloat, to juggle everything that was required of her at work, and to look after Izzy without her partner’s support. She felt incredibly isolated. She imagined it must feel similar when your partner died; the decision was entirely out of your control, but here you were, alone, and with no choice other than to somehow keep going, to acclimatise to your new circumstances the best you could.

  Libby missed him, yet she could barely contain the rage she felt at his and Jules’s betrayal. It took all her strength to try and remain civil when they spoke on the phone. How she was going to manage it when she saw him face to face she had no idea. She had shed so many tears, crying herself to sleep, going over and over events in her mind, reliving the happy memories she had shared with Luca in Italy when it all began. She combed through her memories obsessively to try and find some telltale sign she had missed, glances between Luca and Jules as they’d plotted and schemed behind their backs.

  Libby felt Jules’s betrayal most bitterly. Luca had been in her life for two years, but Jules had known her for nearly all of her thirty-four years. Their friendship had been sacred to Libby. If she could have named one person she knew would never, ever do something like this to her, it would have been Jules. She felt unbelievably foolish that she had trusted her so deeply and implicitly. She couldn’t get her head around the fact that Jules was capable of such deceit. It seemed unthinkable.

  She thought back to the early days when she had first started seeing Luca. She remembered Giulia’s warning. She should have listened to her. It was clear now to Libby that Giulia hadn’t been jealous of her, she had been genuinely concerned. When was she going to learn? Her character judgement was clearly way off track. She needed to stop being so naïve and trusting. She was determined not to let anyone close to her, and to Izzy, again.

  She thought about Helen, how she had once said that everything came so easily to Libby. How wrong she had turned out to be. Or maybe she had been right. Perhaps it was Libby herself who was at fault. She should have taken the time to really get to know Luca before rushing into things. She should have paid more attention to the signs that things were not quite right between them, that they hadn’t been these past few months. She should have seen Jules for what she really was.

  Jules called her often, desperate to explain herself, to apologise and try to make amends, but Libby couldn’t have been less interested. Her blood boiled at the mere sight of her name on the screen of her phone, and she knew that she would never forgive her. Her days seemed an awful lot emptier without them, but life ploughed on with its unstoppable force, oblivious to the dramas that trailed in its wake.

  Helen and Miriam rallied around her with a stoic show of support. Libby was grateful that Helen was in so much happier a place.

  ‘Of all the people,’ Miriam said, giving her daughter’s hand a squeeze. They were sitting at the kit
chen table drinking cups of tea.

  ‘It is quite unbelievable,’ agreed Helen, who had known Jules for just as long as Libby had. ‘How are you holding up?’

  ‘Better now that I’ve had some time to get used to it. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard to get hold of. What with getting my head around all this, work and looking after Izzy, I’ve just needed to focus on getting through each day one by one.’ She hadn’t wanted to see her family immediately.

  ‘I understand completely,’ said Miriam. ‘It’s been a shock for us all. It’s just so unexpected.’

  ‘Have you seen them?’ asked Helen.

  ‘No, they are in Sussex apparently,’ said Libby.

  ‘Sussex? So they really are together then?’ asked Miriam.

  ‘It would appear so. They have “serious” feelings for each other, according to Luca, so that justifies their actions apparently. They would never have run off together unless it was the real deal…’ Libby laughed ironically. ‘Clearly being engaged and married respectively was not the real deal – who would have thought it?’

  ‘How’s poor Angus coping?’ asked Helen.

  ‘Do you know what, he has been amazing,’ said Libby. ‘A complete rock for me and Izzy, despite everything he is going through.’

  ‘You said they hadn’t been in a great place for quite some time,’ said Helen. ‘Perhaps that helps.’

  ‘It doesn’t make it any easier, but I think deep down he suspects that it might be for the best. It’s just so shocking, though. To think of them going behind our backs like that…’ Libby trailed off, shaking her head in disbelief.

  ‘How could they?’ Miriam was clearly disgusted. The scandal of the affair had been the talk of Kent. She was glad that she had John by her side to help her deal with all the gossiping locals. ‘What are you going to do about Luca seeing Izzy?’

  ‘Well, that’s the hardest part in a way,’ said Libby. ‘The fact that I can’t just forget about him and move on. I have to accept that we will be in touch for the rest of our lives because of Izzy. I suppose that that’s just what happens when a relationship ends and a child is involved. The sooner I face up to him, the better.’

  ‘So you’ll see him as soon as he comes back to London?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll have to.’

  ‘Will you talk about it?’

  ‘We’ll see. I’m not sure how I’ll feel. But yes, I suppose we should. I need to force myself to be civil towards him for Izzy’s sake, and the sooner I do that the better.’

  ‘You’re so brave, darling,’ said Miriam. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘You’ve handled this amazingly well,’ said Helen. ‘I honestly don’t know what I would have done if it had happened to me…’ She gave her sister a big hug.

  Later they left Libby as they headed back to Henry and John. Libby couldn’t help but envy them their happy relationships, and wonder if she would ever find happiness like that again. It would be very hard to trust someone after all this. She felt as if she had clamped a metal cage around her heart and she knew that it would be incredibly difficult to open it. She was doing what she had to do to stay strong for her daughter, though, and for Angus. But she was terrified that her resolve would fail and she would end up in a pit of despair so deep that she would never be able to climb out.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Libby’s heart skipped a beat as she heard the knock on the door. She had been dreading this moment. She looked at herself in the mirror. She knew it was pointless, but she wanted to look her best when she saw him. Her long brown hair was pulled back off her face in a low ponytail. Her green eyes stared back at her as she took a deep breath and walked calmly over to the door.

  She pulled it open. Luca was standing outside looking sheepish. She was relieved to see that Jules was nowhere to be seen.

  ‘Libby,’ he said. He came inside and moved towards her to kiss her – or hug her, Libby wasn’t sure. She took a step back to avoid contact, resisting the urge to throw herself into his arms as she had done a thousand times before.

  ‘Luca,’ she said. Her heart was thudding against her breastbone but she refused to let him see the inner turmoil he was causing her. ‘Izzy will be awake any moment now.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see her,’ he said. ‘I’ve missed her terribly. I’ve missed you too…’

  Libby didn’t know what to say. It was so strange to see him, to have him back in the flat.

  ‘I’ve packed up all your things,’ she said, pointing at the pile of suitcases and bags next to the door. ‘You can take them with you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Luca said. ‘I’ve got a car here so I’ll get them out of your way tomorrow if that is OK?’

  Libby nodded and sat down on the sofa. She felt numb. Luca came and sat next to her, careful not to sit too close. He put his set of house keys on the table. ‘Libby, I feel awful about how this ended. I owed you more respect than to go behind your back. I should have been honest with you.’

  ‘You should never have slept with my best friend.’ Her eyes filled with tears despite her intention to remain aloof. ‘If you weren’t happy you should have told me. I would have understood. But this was just the worst possible thing you could have done.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said.

  ‘I’ve had to cope with losing my fiancé and my best friend at the same time. It’s not fair…’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry, Libby. It just happened… and suddenly it was too late, I was in too deep and I couldn’t stop myself.’

  ‘You could have, Luca.’

  ‘It’s hard to explain.’

  ‘I’m not interested in your excuses or explanations. Are you still seeing each other?’

  ‘We are.’

  ‘Is she here?’

  ‘No. She’s in Sussex.’

  ‘Where are you staying?’

  ‘We’re staying in a flat in Lewes that belongs to friends of Jules’s. They’ve let us house-sit while they’re away travelling. It’s an hour on the train from London, so I’ve been able to get into work.’

  Libby wished she’d never asked. She realised that the less she knew the better.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ she said. ‘You told your family…’ She had received sweet messages from his sisters, clearly upset with Luca for his behaviour, and she had been grateful for their kind words.

  ‘They think I’m mad,’ he said, that cheeky, helpless smile that she knew so well settling across his features. It would have made her stomach flip in usual circumstances, but now it just hurt her.

  They talked a short while longer before Izzy roused from her sleep and began to chatter away to herself in her bedroom.

  ‘Can I?’ asked Luca, clearly longing to see his daughter. Libby nodded her head and he went into her room. She listened to him call out to Izzy and talk to her in Italian, and her heart twisted with sadness as she heard the delight in her daughter’s response at seeing her father after so many weeks apart.

  He carried her back out into the sitting room. The sight of the two of them, so similar with their brown hair and hazel eyes, caused tears to fill her eyes once again. She bit her lip and turned away; distracting herself by fetching the travel cot and the bag she had packed for Izzy. Luca asked whether there had been any changes to her routine, and checked he had everything he needed for the weekend with his daughter. He was staying in a hotel down the road so they wouldn’t be far away, but it still pained her to think of their imminent separation. Libby had to stop herself from crying as she kissed her goodbye, breathing in the sweet smell of her and holding her closely. Her heart wrenched as she let them go. She knew she would have to get used to it, but it felt so unnatural, so wrong for them no longer to be the tight family unit that they had been since Izzy had arrived.

  As soon as the door closed behind them, she picked up the phone and called Angus. ‘Have they gone?’ he asked, answering on the first ring.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, tears spilling down her cheeks.

&n
bsp; ‘Do you still want to come over?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes please,’ she said. She wanted to get out of the flat as quickly as possible. She needed a distraction. It was horrible not to be with her daughter at the weekend. She worked so hard during the week that she treasured more than anything the time she got to be with Izzy on her days off. Luca was taking that away from her and she felt incredibly alone; she needed company. She watched him drive off, then waited a few minutes before setting off for Angus and Jules’s house. It was a relatively cool day for June, for which Libby was grateful, considering the physical labour ahead.

  Angus answered the door and wrapped her in a huge bear hug. There was a cobweb in his auburn hair. Libby reached up to remove it.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked.

  ‘A cobweb.’

  ‘I’ve been in the cellar bringing up the packing boxes,’ he said.

  ‘Well, your helper has arrived,’ she said. ‘I am at your service.’ She was looking forward to some hard work to take her mind off Luca.

  ‘Thanks so much for coming,’ he said. She was pleased to see that his bright blue eyes had regained a hint of their usual sparkle. The idea of moving house and having a fresh start seemed to have given him a small spring in his step. This house belonged to Jules. Angus hadn’t had enough money to contribute towards it as a struggling artist, and she had been given a helping hand by her parents to buy it. Now that Angus was doing so well with his art, he was earning more than enough to rent his own place and had wasted no time in doing so. He had collected the keys to a small flat near his studio by the river the previous day.

  ‘I can’t wait to see the new pad,’ Libby told him.

  ‘Well, depending on how long you want to stay and help, you can,’ he laughed. ‘I’m planning on packing for a few hours and then moving straight in.’

  ‘Is it furnished?’

  ‘Fully. Most of this stuff belongs to Jules anyway, so it shouldn’t take me too long to pack up my possessions and get out of here.’

  They taped the flat-pack boxes together and began to fill them with piles of Angus’s belongings.