Desire

by R. G. Winter

  She drew in a deep lungful of air before she turned, “A cocktail would be nice,” She smiled softly, praising herself on the serene calm that flooded her mind. This was Nadia’s wedding, ruining it with a dramatic breakup would only cause problems.

  “Are you okay?” It was funny how committed someone could be to a lie, Jane thought ruefully, as Franklin ran his hands up and down her bare shoulders. He actually looked concerned.

  “Yeah, I just had a busy morning…”

  “Only a few more hours and we’ll be on vacation,” He gave her a tight squeeze as he lead them across the cobblestone driveway, and into the club. Jane made it through the cocktail hour with a painful smile plastered on her face. It managed to hold through to the grand entrance of the newly minted James and Nadia Schwick.

  Nadia changed into a daring cream colored dress. It was backless with a plunging neckline that showed off a figure that had designers fighting over it. Admittedly, Jane had never seen James look so smitten. He hung onto her, hardly letting her more than a few feet away before he swept her up in another kiss.

  “James, Nadia,” Franklin stood up toward the end of dinner, a glass of wine extended toward the couple. “I wish you all the happiness in life. All the luck and joy in the world. You are a beautiful pair. Nadia,” His smile turned into the mischievous little grin that Jane knew would have her blushing, ‘Nadia, I hope you know what you’re getting into with this guy,” Franklin shook his head, “No one would blame you if you walked out now...As his friend, it’s my duty to tell you that he is….well...he’s kind of a spoiled brat. Not to mention a bit of a jerk. But he’s a jerk that cares deeply about you. For the first six months you were dating, he hired a personal stylist just so that he could look good for you. Not that it worked much,” Once the laughter died down, Franklin went on. “I see how you two care for one another, and it makes me strive to feel the same thing. You’re an amazing couple, and I know this marriage is just the start to amazing things.”

  Nadia smiled at Franklin, but her eyes were on Jane. The models face, as beautiful as it was, held a deep guilt that even Jane couldn’t ignore. Pretty words weren’t ever enough to placate Jane, though. She knew the best liars were ones that could make their victims feel. Franklin was a shark, she’d known that. He was a man that did anything to get what he wanted. So long as he won, the consequences didn’t matter. Jane drank her glass of wine in four deep gulps, knowing that the conversation she and Franklin would have later, would require a few gallons of liquid courage.

  ***

  It wasn’t until the wee hours of the morning that they stumbled into the room. Franklin was clutching at Jane as they stumbled across the threshold, babbling on and on about how no one should ever mix tequila and gin. She dumped him unceremoniously on the bed, watching as he crawled across the edge to scavenge in a bag full of take out containers they’d gotten from the wedding.

  “That was fun,” The mouthful of potatoes jumbled his words together comically. “Want some, babe?”

  “No thanks. I actually wanna talk.”

  “How about we not talk?” Rising from the bed, Franklin moved to stand before Jane, his hands finished with the potatoes, were now travelling along her body. The fork that he’d been eating with stuck out of his mouth, but he quickly discarded that too, in favor of kissing her. “You know the best man is usually supposed to sleep with the maid of honor, but I will not object at all to a change in that tradition.”

  “Oh really? Didn’t think you’d be much interested in sleeping with me now that you got your money.” The venom in her voice was enough sting. She pushed Franklin away, walking over to the bathroom in four big strides.

  “What?” Said Franklin dumbly, “What are you talking about?”

  “The bet. Between you, Chambers, and Miller?” Jane's voice may have been calm, but the way she wrenched her toothbrush from her makeup bag betrayed her actions. When it got stuck in the zipper, she became so frustrated that all the contents ended up dumped into the sink.

  “How did you know about that?”

  “Nadia told me this morning. I’m assuming James told her after you bragged to him about your conquest.”

  “I...Jane.” Sobriety had come quickly. Jane smiled mirthlessly knowing that she’d killed his buzz. “You can’t think that’s all this was, do you?”

  “You tell me, Franklin. Was any of it real, were you even attracted to me?” Oh, god, she was yelling. And in a few moments the dam would break and the tears would come streaming free. She had to keep under control: Giving him the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt her wasn’t an option.

  “Of course it was real! I can’t believe you’d fucking think that none of this was real.”

  “Then why not tell me about the bet before? Why did I have to hear it from Nadia on her fucking wedding day?”

  “Because it didn’t matter, Jane.” Now he was yelling Fingers clenched on the doorframe as if it was the only thing keeping him from exploding. “The bet meant nothing to me...I swear. I wasn’t even...when I was asking you out” He sighed, “I was trying to get information on Rebecca.”

  There was a long pregnant pause as Jane’s mind worked to comprehend his words. When she finally did speak, her voice was pitched low, hardly audible over the him of the heater. “You were using me to get to Rebecca?”

  “Not like that,” He rushed forward, taking her hands in his, “I just thought that...this is going to sound really fucked up. But I thought Rebecca would be easier…”

  She’d never slapped anyone before. And the sting that radiated up Jane’s arm when her hand made contact with Franklin’s cheek was both surprising and satisfying. What was most satisfying was the look of blatant shock plastered on Franklin’s face.

  “I can’t believe I ever fell in love with a dick like you, McKinnon. What did you do with the money you got from the bet?”

  “I took it,” He said, his face stony, “I took it and put it away for something later…”

  “For what?”

  “Does it matter?” He snapped. “You seem to have made up your mind about me.”

  “How would you feel. If this was reversed, and you found out, 9 months in, how the fuck would you feel?” she furiously shook her head, “You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to pack my things, and then I’m taking a train somewhere. When I get back to my apartment next week, all your shit better be gone, or else I’m leaving it out on the street.” Luckily for Jane and her dramatic exit, they hadn’t unpacked. So she grabbed her bags and headed toward the door, not caring how much she sagged under their weight.

  “Jane, don’t go,” He was pleading, his voice soft in her ears. The tone was so desperate, so unlike him, that it almost made her stop.

  “Leave your key on the end table when you get your things.” And with that, she was gone, dragging her bags with her down the hall, into the elevator and down into the lobby. Jane didn’t let herself cry until she was in a cab. The driver didn’t say anything, just looked at her every few seconds. It was a horrible cry, filled with body heaving sobs, little hiccuping coughs and rapid pounding on the back seats. Jane’s heart throbbed in her chest, while Jane’s mind replayed every date or dinner that she and Franklin had been on. Why hadn’t she seen it? For a woman that could recognize numerical patterns in business plans, she was shit when it came to love. Maybe it was her fault? The thought was oddly sobering. Her quest for love, and someone to love had lead her into the arms of an unworthy man.

  There was something to heartbreak. It was a cold, ruthless teacher. Jane knew she wouldn’t ever make the same mistake again.

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  Chapter 1

  Jane had thought that nearly two weeks away from home would help. That it would somehow put some distance between her and the memories of Frank that plagued her mind. She was wrong. The taxi dropped her off in front of her place. She stared at the building as if it were a stranger, some vast unknown monster that wanted
to consume her. It hardly felt like home. Jane tugged the sweater tighter around her shoulders cutting off the chilly late February air as she dragged her luggage to the door.

  Her key slipped into the lock, the door slipped open. She gazed around. It was like she’d just left yesterday. Everything was still in the same place, except for the things that were missing; Frank’s shoes in the entranceway, his sweater lying over the back of the couch, his briefcase didn’t sit beside the tv. She felt the familiar lump rise up in her throat, but pushed it back down.

  Sitting down her luggage, she walked into her bedroom. There was nothing there either. Nothing of his, rather. She wrenched open the drawer she’d given him. Empty. In the closet, the space she’d cleared out for his suits was also vacant.

  It was as if the man she’d fallen for so quickly had never existed. She ran a hand over her face, walked back out of the bedroom. Dropping her keys in their dish on the kitchen counter, she heard her phone ringing in the pocket of her jeans.

  The screen showed a picture of Rebecca. Jane sighed. Ever since she’d told the woman what had happened between her and Franklin, she’d been calling and texting her non-stop. While she appreciated the concern, it was unnerving. But she didn’t want to think about the disaster. Didn’t was to think about Franklin McKinnon.

  As if on cue, Nadia was calling her next. She knew the woman was still on her honeymoon, wrapped up in her husband, but she’d called her more than a few times too. Jane hit the power button on her phone, slid it across the counter. She turned to the fridge in search of something to eat, but instead there was a note on the freezer door.

  Franklin had been an all too present entity in her life the past few weeks. His constant calls, text and voice messages were still winking across the phone screen. She didn't have time for this.

  A fresh wave of tears prickled at her eyes, threatening to spill out onto Jane's flushed cheeks. This place had once been filled with happy memories, now it only reminded her of the things she couldn't have. Jane dragged her luggage further into her apartment. Sighing as she slid down onto the couch. Reaching behind her, Jane absentmindedly opened the blinds, until a bright ray of light illuminated the apartment.

  Trying to distract herself, Jane palmed through a large stack of letters and food menu she’d snatched from her mailbox. The majority of was junk. The occasional bill. Nothing too pressing, except a sleek, glossy cream colored envelope, emblazoned with the words Hillcrest Lofts, on the front.

  Jane felt her heart race with anticipation for the first time in weeks. Her dream loft was finally available, and despite herself, Jane smiled at the promise of a new beginning.

  When she had first moved to the city, Jane hadn't been able to afford the exuberant rent that most of the lofts charged. But Hillcrest had caught her eye, and their one bedrooms were reasonable and chock full of amenities. They were luxurious, beautifully updated, and only steps from the office,

  Jane pulled her phone from the side table, still smiling. Maybe a change was what she needed can perhaps living someplace new would help her forget about the ample failure of hers and franklin's short lived relationship.

  Now was the time for Jane to regain focus of herself. Distractions were not her style, and Franklin had been a huge one. It was time to refocus and get back in the game. Moping around over a man was my going to solve anything.

  "Hey," the voice on the other end of the phone was filled with relief. Jane could nearly hear Nadia's smile through her handset. "I heard what happened! Are you okay? Do you need anything? I can have my cousin Boris break his legs..."

  "That's a very nice offer," Jane said, "but I'm fine! I actually came home to some good news."

  "Did you make senior analyst?"

  "I said good news, not great news..." Jane snarled back. "Remember those gorgeous lofts I pointed out by my office?"

  "The ones with a three year wait?"

  "Yup, well, they got an opening and I'm moving in next month!” Jane heard Nadia let out a pele of bright laughter. Over the phone, she could hear James’ deep timber of a voice. “You go ahead, thanks for checking up on me. But I’ll feel awful if you spent your honeymoon worrying about me.”

  “Can you please call him?” Jane frowned down at her phone. James’ voice was still light, but there was an edge to it that unsettled Jane something awful. “He’s a fuckin’ wreck, Jane....”

  “Hey! Give that back,” There was short scuffle, then a deep thudding noise that Jane was sure meant that someone had dropped the phone.

  “I’m sorry,” Nadia said, sounding breathless, “He distracted me and took the phone. But are you sure you don’t need anything, sweetie?”

  “Nope, I’m fine,” she hoped she sounded a little bit chipped. “So excited to finally be moving. Things are going faster than I’d expected.”

  “Okay, keep your head up. When I’m back we can go shopping for your new place.” There was another squeal of laughter, then the line clicked off. For a moment, Jane just stared down at the blank screen of her cell phone.

  Nadia had been so lucky. James, as pompous and goofy as he was, had ended up being the perfect man for her. He cherished her, cared about her. And Jane just couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit jealous. After having even a little bit of affection in her life, Jane had gotten used to it. It was a good feeling, one she hadn’t expected to go away so soon.

  With nothing to be done about it, Jane set her mind back to work. She’d been gone two weeks, and was certain that Belmore would have a mountain of work for her to do. If she wanted to succeed she would have to get her mind back into gear.

  ***

  Pilates with Rebecca was usually a grueling affair: Jane always left sore and drenched in sweat. A private class with Rebecca meant that not only would she leave with stiff muscles, but a bruised ego as well. Rebecca refused to coddle her, even if she was grieving.

  “You need to waltz into that office tomorrow and make him regret everything he did to you,” Rebecca said during their fortieth plie. “Make him miserable with the notion that he won’t be able to see or touch you until he gets his act right.” Jane was so focused on not passing out, that she hardly registered what Rebecca was saying.

  “I’m not going to take him back!” She shouted, her voice angry.

  Rebecca turned to her, hands on her hips, “Why not.”

  “I told you what he did. He treated our whole relationship like it was some kind of game, McKinnon never gave a crap about me.”

  The redhead shrugged, “Maybe in the beginning, but the way he’s looked at you the past few months: He’s got it for you bad. How many times did he call after you left?”

  “So far,” Jane said slowly, “About sixty-two…” Then she hastily added, “But that doesn’t mean anything. He’s just trying to make himself look like the good guy.”

  “You know McKinnon, when has he ever had to make himself look good? He’s not that kind of person, you know that. If he’d really not been interested in you, he would have dumped you as soon as he won the bet. But he stayed, remember that.”

  “Even if you’re right,” Jane said, “How could I ever take him back?” Suddenly a wave of shame washed over her. “The whole office knew we were an item, how would it look if I just forgave him the moment he said sorry.”

  “Listen, you don’t have to forgive him right away. If he changes his act and truly shows that he wants to be with you, then great. If not then all you can do is move on. If this whole bet was the nail in your relationship coffin, then you never really needed to be with him.”

  “That makes sense,” said Jane, even though she still felt more than a little bit dubious. “I guess I’ll see how he acts tomorrow at work.”

  Rebecca’s smile was big and bright, “Great, in the meantime, you need to get back to work. I want thirty more plie’s.”

  Back at home, Jane plopped down on her couch, a huge container filled with Greek chicken salad on her lap. There were three sliced of warm, soft pita loudly calli
ng her name, and Jane could hardly wait to dig in. At that moment, as she sat there, on the couch, a fork raised to her mouth, Jane realized something.

  Everything was going to be okay.

  Franklin wasn’t allowed to bring her down. She’d cried enough tears over him. And if he wanted to win her back, well, it was up to her whether or not she wanted to accept it. McKinnon was in her past, for the moment at least. The past few month had been so dream-like that she had almost forgotten about her ultimate goal of being made partner. That was where her focus should be, not on some man that had hurt her.

  As Jane ate, all the tension from the last few weeks left her body. IN the past, old boyfriends had come and gone. A good majority of them daunted by her competitiveness and drive. McKinnon had challenged her, and Jane was determined to not let him win that challenge. Jane had always been complimented on her level head. While she had never really been crushed by a breakup in a long,long time, quite a few had left her reeling. In the end, she had recovered, without losing herself in the process: This was no different.

  Everything was still going according to plan. So, Jane decided to let life take her wherever it may.

  Chapter 2

  Monday morning appeared to Jane as a gloomy and cloudy mess. Still, Jane felt good as she slipped into the shower, lathering herself in her favorite vanilla scented soap. The bubbles and scent calmed her rattling nerves. Even though she had resolved herself to the whole McKinnon debacle, she was still nervous about stepping into the office that morning. Rumors spread faster than a wildfire; Once a temp on the third floor flirted with a partner, and it was all over the office by the time the partner made it up to the top floor. She knew the rumor mill was going to be churning.