Google Your Husband Back

by Julie Butterfield

  ‘Kate I know I said that you should still make an effort to get out after having a baby but I didn’t mean that you should have carried on as though she weren’t there! Of course your social life is going to suffer. Alex needs to be a grown up and realise that. Millie is his daughter as well.’

  But Kate had descended into a swamp of guilt and despair, convinced that her reluctance to go out in general and to the Christmas party in particular had made her husband turn to another woman.

  She fed Millie and cleaned the house, although her enthusiasm for a gleaming home seemed to be deteriorating the longer Alex stayed away. Her interest in tidiness and a perfectly matched décor had been entirely for the benefit of Alex who clearly hadn’t appreciated any of it enough to make him want to stay. She stared at her phone a lot and willed it to ring and of course she spent hours torturing herself with images of Alex and Sandra Maddison. She wondered if they now left the office together, letting everyone see that they were a couple. She wondered if they ate out like Kate and Alex had before Millie’s arrival, deciding on the spur of the moment to go to their favourite Italian or grab a Chinese and take it home. And she thought of them in bed. Despite the unbelievable pain it caused, she could not stop thinking of them in bed, wondering if Alex whispered the same words into Sandra’s ear that he used to whisper into Kate’s own. Wondering if he wrapped his arms around her before drifting off to sleep, if he woke in the morning and reached out for her.

  She knew how destructive it was to obsess about her husband’s other woman, how self-defeating and hurtful. But although Google provided her with plenty of reasons why she shouldn’t spend every minute of every day thinking about Sandra, it had failed to advise her just how she was meant to stop doing exactly that.

  So Kate’s days continued, Alex’s silence was deafening and the brief escape of Friday night and salsa seemed as though it had never happened.

  But, decided Kate with a sigh, even if Alex was not prepared to communicate it had come to the point where Kate was going to have to let Marcia Brady know that her long held suspicions that her daughter was too wayward to hold down a husband seemed to be true.

  Marcia’s brisk tone answered the phone and Kate arranged to call round that afternoon with Millie.

  ‘During the week?’ queried Marcia. ‘Do you have the car?’

  ‘No,’ admitted Kate, ‘we’ll be coming on the bus.’

  ‘Then why not wait until the weekend when Alex can bring you?’ asked Marcia in a reasonable tone.

  ‘Because,’ sighed Kate, ‘I need to see you now and … well Alex won’t be here at the weekend.’

  ‘And what’s so important that it won’t wait?’

  Kate gritted her teeth. It was her own fault, she and Millie weren’t exactly regular visitors at Marcia’s door but when she finally decided to include her mother in her life the least she could do was co-operate.

  ‘Anyone would think you didn’t want to see us!’ she tried a deliberately light tone.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just curious why you suddenly need to see me midweek when you don’t have the car.’

  ‘Well I can tell you when I get there can’t I! Do I take it you’ll be in?’

  ‘Well if I know you’re coming I’ll change my plans and I’ll be here.’

  Why was it Kate wondered, that even when her mother was agreeing with her she made it sound as though Kate was so very wrong in everything she did.

  ‘That’ll be lovely. See you later,’ and Kate put the phone down quickly

  Millie was dressed, had eaten her breakfast and her eyelashes were drifting down ready for her morning nap. Kate examined herself in the mirror. She had washed her hair, piling on the conditioner in an attempt to banish the dry lifeless look and it gleamed and shone. She had been very careful with her makeup, making an attempt to cover the dark circles underneath the sad grey eyes. She didn’t want to appear defeated; she didn’t want anyone to look at her and say that they could understand why Alex had left his wife for another woman. And she especially didn’t want Marcia to look at her with admonishment in her eyes and say briskly that a good wife always made sure she looked presentable

  She took a deep breath. ‘Come on then Millie, let’s get going.’

  Kate had two buses to catch before she was within a twenty-minute walk of her mother’s house and as she pushed the buggy down the street her fingers were almost numb with cold. But eventually they arrived and turning into her mother’s drive Kate straightened her spine and took a deep breath.

  Marcia must have been looking out for her daughter because the door swung open before Kate had time to reach out to grab the highly polished brass knocker and her mother welcomed them with a smile then busied herself helping Millie out of the buggy and taking them both through to the warmth of the immaculate living room.

  Not for Marcia a casual cup of tea around the kitchen table. If guests came they were always treated properly, even if the guest was her daughter.

  ‘Your fingers are like ice,’ she chastised Kate. ‘why on earth didn’t you put on some gloves? Warm yourself and I’ll make some tea,’ and off she bustled leaving Kate sitting on the edge of the settee a sleepy Millie in her arms.

  A few minutes later Marcia returned with the tea tray, the teapot, milk jug and china cups and for a moment the little dose of normality was almost more than Kate could bear. She bit her lip, fussing with Millie whose eyes had flown open at the clink of cups and was looking round to see if anything was coming her way.

  Marcia gave her a few moments and then having poured the tea she sat down opposite Kate and looked her in the eye.

  ‘What’s happened?’

  For a moment Kate considered turning this into a visit, a normal visit from a daughter to a mother complete with beautiful granddaughter in tow. Did she really have the strength to lay herself open to her mother’s disapproval?

  ‘Alex has left me,’ she announced in a steady voice. ‘He’s moved in with another woman, someone he met at work.’

  For a moment there was a flash of something in Marcia’s eye that Kate couldn’t quite pin down. Was it anger, sympathy, resignation? But then it was gone and there was a moment of silence as Marcia registered what had been said

  ‘And is this a … fling or does he intend to stay with this woman?’

  Kate shrugged. ‘I don’t know. We haven’t really spoken.’

  ‘When did he leave?’

  ‘A couple of weeks ago.’

  Marcia’s eyebrows raised.

  ‘He hasn’t been in touch?’

  Kate shook her head, her cheeks flushing. She couldn’t bring herself to discuss the hysterical phone call she had made to her husband the night she’d found out he had indeed left her for another woman.

  ‘No,’ said Kate looking at her fingers instead of her mother.

  ‘And in the meantime?’

  Kate looked at her mother.

  ‘Are you okay in the meantime Kate, do you have money, are you happy in the house by yourself, can you cope with Millie … are you okay?’

  Kate thought for a moment. Was she okay? Did she have money? She hadn’t actually given the financial side of things a second thought, the bills seemed to be getting paid as normal and she spent her days sitting at home feeling miserable not out spending money. As for the house, she had to admit that having the house to herself was actually quite pleasant. She hadn’t felt any of the usual pressure to have a meal ready the moment Alex walked through the door, to have the crisp white shirts he wore for work washed, ironed and hanging in his wardrobe. She had even left a couple of towels on the bathroom floor the day before and been almost surprised to find that it had no effect on the rest of her day.

  Marcia was waiting for a reply.

  ‘I’m okay Mum. It was just a bit of a shock.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?’

  Kate had been waiting for the question.

  ‘I think,’ she began slowly, ‘I think I did
n’t want you to be disappointed in me.’

  Marcia placed her cup carefully back on the saucer.

  ‘Why would Alex leaving make me disappointed in you?’

  Kate closed her eyes briefly. ‘I remember you telling me that I needed to grow up. When I told you that Alex and I were getting married you told me that I had to be more responsible, more grown up. That I had to look after him and behave like a proper wife and keep the kitchen clean and wash the sheets and make him a meal every night.’

  Marcia looked a little startled but only briefly before her familiar detached expression settled once more.

  ‘And I tried Mum, I really tried,’ cried Kate. ‘But it obviously wasn’t enough because he left me. So I failed and I knew you would be disappointed.’

  There was a long, long silence as Kate looked down at Millie scrunched up in her arms, not wanting to meet her mother’s eyes and read how let down she was in her daughter’s failure to grow up and look after her husband.

  ‘Kate, you surely can’t think that this is your fault?’

  ‘Of course it is. He wouldn’t have left me if he’d been happy! I didn’t make him happy. I didn’t keep the house tidy enough, I let him down, I …’

  ‘Kate! Marriages don’t end because one of them is untidy.’

  Kate blinked. ‘Yours did.’

  Marcia looked shocked. ‘Of course it didn’t! Were on earth did you get that idea from?’

  ‘You told me,’ answered Kate, ‘I asked where dad had gone and you said to somewhere he could make all the mess he liked.’

  Kate had not been unaware of the tension in her parent’s marriage. But it had been that way for as long as she could remember so she had thought it to be the normal way of married life. Her mother’s constant remonstrations about her father’s inability to put anything away, the fact that he left his plates piled in the sink, crumbs on the table, the butter left with the lid off - these were all rebukes heard constantly. And her father’s tired response, that there was more to life than washing up, that a little bit of untidiness was good for the soul, that mess could be cleaned up in a flash, pleas for her to leave him be and give him some peace. Kate had been left in no doubt that the main reason for the eventual parting of their ways was entirely due to her father’s inability to tidy up after himself and her mother’s overwhelming need to keep an orderly house

  ‘Kate, you can’t really think that your father and I divorced because he wasn’t tidy enough?’

  ‘Yes,’ answered Kate simply.

  ‘But that’s ridiculous!’

  ‘Then why did you make him leave?’

  Marcia shook her head, the cool demeanor slipping ever so slightly.

  ‘We weren’t happy Kate. That’s the long and the short of it. We just weren’t happy together. We tried to be, we worked at it for a long time but we were never suited to each other and as a result we were never happy.’

  ‘You didn’t love him?’

  For a brief, very brief moment Kate saw a look of such intense pain in her mother’s eyes that she almost cried out.

  ‘Oh we loved each other Kate. I loved your father with my entire soul and I know he loved me, at least to begin with. But sometimes love just isn’t enough. Your father was carefree and outgoing, full of life and vigour. He wanted to pack a bag and explore another continent, he wanted to wake up each morning and go wherever his heart took him, not to be tied down by everyday chores and the grind of daily life. We wanted entirely different things from life but we loved each other and we were both quite convinced that we could make it work.’

  Kate sat very still as Marcia stared out of the window, almost lost in her own thoughts.

  ‘But in the end we had to admit that we were two very different people and it was better that he left.’

  ‘But you said he was untidy, you were always complaining, you said …’ Kate trailed off in bewilderment

  ‘A symptom, not the cause, said Marcia with a smile. ‘The more I felt him drift away from me the more I became the very person he would object to the most I suppose.’

  Kate shook her head in bewilderment. ‘I never realised, I just always thought … but why did you tell me to grow up, to become the perfect wife for Alex?’

  ‘Just down to earth motherly advice Kate. You were dreadfully disorganised before you met Alex and that may be sweet when the first flush of love is still in the air but believe me it loses its sparkle when you come home after a hard day at work to a flat looking like yours used to.’

  Kate’s mother had always been horrified whenever she visited her wayward daughter and found a week’s worth of clothes littering the floor, a sink piled high with unwashed plates and nothing in the fridge but left overs covered in mould.

  Kate would watch Marcia’s reaction with something approaching satisfaction, proud that she had not succumbed to her mother’s ways. And all this time Kate had been wrong. Her father hadn’t left because he was too untidy, he had left simply because he didn’t love her mother enough to stay.

  ‘Was there another woman?’ asked Kate suddenly.

  ‘No. He met Eileen of course but that was years later.’

  ‘Why did you never find anyone else?’

  Marcia smiled. ‘Because your father was the love of my life Kate. I never wanted anyone else,’ she said simply.

  For some reason Kate felt quite humbled. And ashamed. She had never really spoken to her mother about the departure of her father, she had been quite happy to lay the blame at the feet of Marcia’s obsessive need for order. Graham Brady had died suddenly five years after the divorce and all that was left of him now were Kate’s memories.

  ‘Bu we should be talking about you and Alex,’ said Marcia briskly, checking the pot. ‘I’m going to boil some more water and then you must tell me your plans for the future.’

  Kate was deep in thought when Marcia arrived back in the room with a fresh pot of tea.

  ‘I tried really hard Mum,’ she repeated. ‘I did everything I thought I should. I learned how to cook, I tried to be tidy - I did everything properly. And I loved him, we loved each other. Why would he go? I tried so hard to be a perfect wife.’

  Marcia Brady sighed. She put the teapot full of hot fresh tea on the tray and sighed as she looked at her daughter’s heartbroken face.

  ‘Who knows my dear. But maybe perfection wasn’t what Alex was looking for?’ and she poured another cup of tea which they drank in silence, both staring out into the frost covered garden.

  Chapter 13

  It was Friday again and Fiona phoned Kate to check that she was bringing Millie around and going to salsa.

  ‘Actually,’ started Kate, ‘I really don’t know if…’

  ‘No!’ shrieked Fiona. ‘Do not give up already Kate. You’re doing this for a reason, remember. And even if you weren’t– you enjoyed it last week, didn’t you?’

  Kate thought back to the previous week. She had loved every minute of salsa, she had enjoyed chatting to new people and she had actually stopped thinking about Alex for almost a full hour as she and Sophie wriggled their hips and giggled their way through the class.

  ‘But I don’t think it’s working Fee.’

  ‘Google didn’t say it would work overnight honey. You need to carry on until Alex realises that you’re getting on with your life and he’ll soon want to get in touch.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘No buts. This is good for you Kate, regardless of whether Alex comes back or not,’ Fiona continued. ‘You need something, even if it’s only an hour or so a week, something that you do for yourself.’

  Kate hesitated.

  ‘And just imagine if Olivia and Helen go back to work on Monday and tell everyone that you didn’t turn up this week. Alex will think that you couldn’t cope with a night out without him, that you’re at home crying again.’

  ‘I’m beginning to think that Alex doesn’t care in the slightest whether I’m out or not Fee. Still not so much as a text from him.’


  ‘Well all the more reason you should carry on going to salsa,’ insisted Fiona.

  Kate sighed. It all seemed like too much effort but she nodded her head.

  ‘Okay, I’ll go,’ she agreed and couldn’t help smiling at Fiona’s whoop of delight.

  Kate didn’t spend quite so much time getting ready this week and she told Millie, who watched as her mother dried her hair and brushed it until it shone, that despite anything Fiona might say, this was going to be the last week.

  ‘Not much point Millie darling, if daddy doesn’t care what I do I might as well stay at home with you.’

  Millie had laughed and thrown her donkey on the floor for Kate to retrieve and for a moment she had a memory of getting ready on a Friday night when she was seeing Alex. She would leave work as early as possible and within an hour her small cramped flat would look like a scene from an earthquake as she pulled item after item from her wardrobe to find just the right outfit. There would be flutters of anticipation dancing in her stomach and when she was finally happy with her appearance she would hang out of the window waiting to see Alex’s car drive down the street. Kate had lots of friends. She was a sociable person who loved to party and during the early part of their relationship she’d had a wonderful time introducing Alex to everyone she knew. They would meet a crowd of friends for a meal, or at the cinema and there were constant parties and impromptu drinks. But it had only taken a few months for Kate to realise that Alex was a lot less outgoing than Kate. Although her carefree, sunny disposition was one of the main reasons Alex had fallen in love with Kate, once their relationship was established he had always looked for ways to slow down their social life and Kate, madly in love with the young blond man by her side, had seen less and less of her friends and their weekends had become more intimate, quieter with Kate’s party days a thing of the past. She sighed deeply, what had she done to drive him away, she thought sadly; she had tried so hard to be what Alex wanted, to be a perfect wife.