Awakening to Life

by Guy, Caitlin

  Dear Mum,

  I love you very, very much. I know that you will read this letter when I am gone — and I want you to remember how much I love you. I am the person I am because of you. You are kind and generous; you are brave. You are my role model.

  Please never feel that my life was wasted, because I have led an unbelievably happy and peaceful life. You gave me the perfect childhood. Every memory reminds me of your love. Do you remember how we used to run through the sprinklers? You used to put the hose on the slippery tarp and we’d pretend it was the world’s biggest waterslide? Do you remember painting the cubbyhouse bright yellow? Or dressing up as fairies while the boys dressed up as pirates for a day? I was so happy, and I know I will continue to be happy until the day I die.

  When I was diagnosed and got older, you protected me, but you still let me live my life to the fullest. You let me go places by myself, sometimes, and you let me date Jayden. You trusted me and you let me trust myself. I wasn’t scared of the cancer because of you.

  I’m sorry for all the times that I’ve been a pain or taken you for granted. Most of all, I’m sorry to be saying goodbye to you now — before I’ve received the chance to pay you back for everything you’ve ever given me. I always imagined growing up and becoming even closer, as friends, as well as mother/daughter.

  You have a long life ahead of you and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to make the very most of the time you have. Live your life to the fullest; don’t mourn me for too long. I’ll be watching you from the stars and we’ll see other again, just make sure that it’s not soon.

  I’m crying, Mum. I never thought this day would come when I would have to say goodbye. We’ve been fighting hard and long, side-by-side, for a long time. But I’m so very tired now. Just know — just remember — that I love you. I love you so much.

  Goodbye, Mum. I love you.

  Your daughter,

  Allie.

  Chapter 16

  It is days before I’m well enough to leave my bed. I wake up with plenty of energy at about eleven in the morning, then have to wait until after school ends to call Jayden and Hailey. I hover in the kitchen and living room, chatting with Dad until my phone rings.

  “How are you feeling?” Jayden blurts out as soon as I answer the phone.

  “I’m fine, really good actually! Well rested and totally up for whatever crazy adventure you guys can cook up for today.” I can hear Hailey cheering in the background. “Where are you?”

  “I’m at my car now, just waiting for Josh and Emily,” he replies with a massive smile in his voice.

  “It’s, like, two minutes before the end of school! You’re not skipping class are you?” I ask narrowing my eyes at a nearby wall.

  “No, we had art. Ah, here’s Josh now! We’ll be there soon.”

  “Wait, Jayden! What should I be wearing?” I ask quickly, before he hangs up on me.

  “There’s no need to be ready to go, we’re going to get changed at your place. Just something comfy is fine though, jeans or whatever. I’ll see you soon.” Hailey shouts her goodbye in the background and the phone goes silent.

  I hurry up the stairs and into my room. By the time I’ve pulled on my jeans and a pretty shirt with a warm, but flattering, cardigan and applied some light makeup, Jayden’s car pulls into the driveway. The sound of them all bounding up the stairs fills the house. Hailey and Josh race into my room and dump their bags in the same second. Hailey starts pulling on her pants under her school dress immediately, changing into an outfit similar to mine. Josh looks away with bright red cheeks.

  “Hailey!” he complains.

  “Well, get out, Josh. They ladies must change,” Hailey replies as Emily enters the room. He quickly abides, shutting the door just as Jayden reached it.

  “Hey!” Jayden’s voice is muffled by the shut door.

  Hailey strips off her dress and pulls on a shirt. Emily does the same. “So I’m dressed right?” I ask.

  “Looking good, Allie!” Hailey grins. “This is going to be fun! I’ve been so looking forward to this one!”

  “You said that for go karting…” Emily retorts.

  “Yeah, but I’ve always wanted to do this!” she exclaims, refusing to lose her enthusiasm.

  I squint into her eyes and ask, “We’re doing the free hugs thing, aren’t we?”

  Emily gasps and smacks Hailey on the arm. “Hailey! You gave it away!” Emily scolds.

  Hailey looks a little sorry for cluing me in. She tugs her hair out of its bun and lets it loose over her shoulders. It falls in a clump. I walk to her side and brush it down. Our reflection is projected by the mirror opposite. Hailey has always been pretty average sized, perhaps on the thinner side. But next to her, I look like a skeleton. My skin is glued to my bones. I look anorexic. Where I’ve always been quite happy with my face, it’s thin and gaunt like never before. These few days of intense sickness have taken their toll on a body that can’t handle much more. Yet there is a spark in my eyes that wasn’t there earlier in the week. I turn away from my reflection.

  “So where are we going?” I ask.

  “To the end of the city mall, where the mall meets the park,” Hailey replies. She rolls her eyes at Emily. “I’m just easing her worries, so she knows that we’re not going to an area with drunk losers that will feel her up.”

  “Hailey!” Emily cries.

  I just giggle. “I feel so much better now.”

  “See.” She sends a look of disdain at Emily.

  Just as Hailey and Emily pull on their jackets, Jayden and Josh bound into the room. “Ready?” Josh asks.

  “Yep,” I reply. “Where are the signs?”

  “You ruined the surprise! Hailey!” Josh cries, making Emily laugh. The rest of us ignore him.

  “In my car,” Jayden says, answering my question. “I’ll go see if your parents are ready. They wanted to come and film us.”

  Hailey, Emily, Josh, and I follow him downstairs to wait in the entranceway. Emily glances through the family photos on the shelf by the door. Josh explains where and when each one took place. I sit on the stairs and watch as Mum and Dad stride into the hall. Jayden spots me in the corner and hurries to my side.

  “You still okay?” he asks in a whisper.

  “Yes!” I roll my eyes and lift myself off the stairs, refusing Jayden’s hand offering help.

  Dad taps the side of the camera, pointing the lens at me. “Allie! Are you excited? Can you guess what we’re doing?”

  I plaster a massive smile on my face and speak into the camera. “Hi, everyone! I’m super excited to go around the city mall with a free hugs sign!”

  Dad flicks off the recording. “Okay, who told her?” he demands, his eyes narrowing at Jayden.

  “She guessed,” Hailey replies quickly. Emily and Josh let out a synchronised snort.

  “Enough chitchat,” Mum says. “Let’s go!”

  We all pile into Mum’s car, which can fit all seven of us. Emily and Hailey, with the shortest legs, sit cramped up in the very back while I sit sandwiched between Jayden and Josh in the middle. During the drive, we sing along to a radio countdown of the most popular songs this month. I know all the words and it becomes clear just how much I’ve been listening to the radio in my boredom. I really need some different music.

  Still, our impromptu karaoke session is a lot of fun. Jayden and Josh aren’t shy, singing each and every word that they remember, irrespective of the song. Hailey and Emily do the same. I discover that Emily is a beautiful singer. To my amazement, Jayden isn’t half bad either. On the other hand, Hailey’s voice is so bad that I honestly consider having her kicked out of the vehicle.

  When we arrive in the city centre and park, the signs are uncovered; Jayden and Josh had carried them into Mum’s car while I was preoccupied with Hailey and Emily. Some of them are the massiv
e cardboard costumes, the type you put over your head so that both the front and the back are used to advertise something. Others are large A2 pieces of white cardboard with ‘Free Hugs’ printed in bold, black type. I choose one of the latter.

  We set up at the end of the mall street and, as Hailey said, it is the perfect spot. Shoppers enter and exit the building. People visiting the park or exploring the city also pass through the area. We huddle into a group and, uncertainly, raise the sign. At first people saunter past with eyes darting to the words; but soon enough, a little boy detaches himself from his mother and runs over to give me a hug. I’m flattered, and also impressed that someone so small can read.

  Then, a pair of teenage girls approach. Josh and Hailey discover that the costume signs can be a problem when you’re at the hugging stage. Neither can reach their customers through the signs. Hailey almost knocks out a small child with the corner of her sign. Her mother drags her child away just as she starts crying and rubbing her eye. Eventually, they are forced to take them off and just stand next to the signs.

  Hailey’s face lights up as a group of attractive guys approach, each giving her a bear hug. Many of them also give her a name and phone number. She grins at me after each one.

  Of course, all the girls shopping in their uniforms swarm upon both Josh and Jayden. Josh cowers behind Hailey when it gets too much. I am so glad Dad is getting it all on film. Jayden has no such qualms, giving each and every eager schoolgirl a free hug. But when they give him their numbers, he tells them proudly that I’m his girl. I blush profusely, but there is a bubble of warmth in my chest.

  All in all, it’s pretty hard to keep the gleeful smile off my face. We stay in the city for about two hours. I take two leisurely breaks, sipping at a hot chai latte and watching Josh run from a crazy stalker who demands that he hug her for the third time.

  Then we go home. Jayden, Emily, and Hailey leave almost immediately, having homework to complete by the next day. Mum and Josh go upstairs to review his history essay while I sit in the kitchen watching Dad make dinner. It is therapeutic to sit propped up on the stool, watching Dad chop up vegetables for the stir-fry. He slaps my hand lightly every time I reach for a vegetable to help with. So eventually I lean back and relax, staying out of his way.

  “Hey, Dad?” I say finally, breaking the silence. “What’s the best place you’ve ever been?”

  “Do you mean the most important place to me or the best holiday location?” he asks with a smile.

  “Ummm, I meant holiday… but both I guess.”

  “Thailand. We went there on our honeymoon. It was simply beautiful. But I loved skiing in Switzerland too. That was amazing. The view of the mountains was spectacular, and the skiing was such an adrenalin rush.” He focuses internally, reminiscing out loud. “And my favourite place? That would have to be our backyard. I have so many great memories of our family out there, and nothing bad has ever happened while we were playing or hanging out in the backyard.”

  I think of all the times that I have collapsed in just about every other place, but he’s right. I have never had any collapses or other injuries in the backyard, beyond a scraped knee now and again. Josh is the same, having never suffered a serious injury; except for that one time the neighbour’s cat attacked him. But I guess that was just a few scratches in the end, despite all the noise he made about it.

  “How are you feeling, Allie?” he asks softly, pulling me out of my memories.

  “A bit tired. I’m fine though,” I reply. I draw a deep breath into my lungs. “Hey, Dad? Can I tell you something important?”

  I use the question to buy myself a few seconds. Whilst I need to tell him, tell someone, it’s hard to say the words. They cut up my insides on the way out and I know they’ll knife through the happy atmosphere in the kitchen.

  “Of course you can, Allie. What’s up?”

  “Well,” I say slowly. One more breath, one more second. I scrunch my fists and press them into the stone countertop; then I flatten them again and start speaking. “I’ve been writing letters, goodbye letters, to everyone. I haven’t finished them yet, but I want to have one for you, Mum, Josh, Jayden, Hailey, and Dr. Marsden. They’re hidden under my mattress, beneath where the pillows go on the right side. Can you please make sure everyone gets theirs after I’m gone? And don’t tell them about it until I die. I don’t want anyone reading them while I’m still around.”

  Dad lifts his eyes from the food and meets my eyes. He is silent for a moment. His skin sags under his features. Wrinkles spell out a map of the last few years when life became impossible. His eyes fill with tears and they spill into the lines on his face.

  “Of course, Allie. Of course I will.” His voice is broken. Each word scratches against his throat and into the air like sandpaper.

  I nod and get up to give him a hug. He strides around the bench and folds me into his arms. He leans his head on mine and strokes my back. His tears mix into mine. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, he pushes me away to look into my eyes.

  “I love you, Allie. You are my beautiful, beautiful daughter,” he says. “Go lie down. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

  “Okay.”

  I go upstairs and take out the notepad. Another day, another letter. As always, the pen is like a knife in my hand. I’m terrified of the thought of saying goodbye.

  Dear Dad,

  I was just downstairs with you. I told you about the letters; you hugged me and I felt safe and loved. But if you’re reading this, it means that I am no longer with you.

  How do you find the words to say goodbye? I mean, you’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. You’ve been my nurse, teacher, counsellor… whatever I needed. I could always depend on you and that meant the world. I love you so much, and I already miss you.

  When I was diagnosed with cancer you became invincible, a real life superhero. Your strength held up the whole family. It got me through operation after operation, needle after needle. Remember how I was scared of needles? I would squeeze your hand as tight as I could, and you’d just joke about how you forgot your boxing gloves to protect your circulation. You made me laugh even when I was terrified, even when I was upset.

  When I was depressed, stuck in that state of mind, you were the one to pull me out. When no one else could get through to me, you found a way. You are smart and loving. You are a fantastic role model.

  You never forgot Josh. You never let him get upset for lack of attention. You didn’t let the family fall apart and when I’m gone, I know that you will continue to keep the family together. Remember how you forced everyone to go to Josh’s graduation, even though I was having some big tests in the hospital, and then you had some of the tech guys live video stream the whole thing to me? Thank you.

  Do you remember when I went on my first camp? I was so nervous. But when you hugged me goodbye, you gave me a lifeboat; you gave me a book that I could read by myself if I didn’t fit in with the girls in my dorm. Even though you told me I didn’t need it. You’ve been protecting me my whole life.

  Remember when I wanted to enter that competition at the local bakery? I was about seven. I had to colour in that picture, but when I finished I didn’t think it was good enough because it wasn’t perfectly within the lines and it didn’t use the normal colours. You sent it in anyway, even though I told you not to bother. That was the first time I’d ever won anything — the only time. You always believed in me.

  When I think of you, I think of you with Mum or Josh. I think of how loving and protective you are. Thank you for being the best dad I could ever imagine. When everyone else is freaking out about the next major surgery, you still remember the little things like sending out birthday cards and buying Josh the next book in a series he’s obsessed with. You are an amazing person and I love you so much.

  For my funeral, I have a list of songs for you to consider. I know tha
t you will organise something beautiful and I want you to know now how much I appreciate it. I want to be buried in a garden graveyard. I can’t choose between the two songs: Safe by Britt Nicole and If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I love those songs; they’re bittersweet.

  It all seems so real now, that I’m actually going to die. I’m so grateful that I have the time to say goodbye though. There are so many things I want to say. Well, actually, I just want to tell all the people that I care about that I love them. But I need to tell them in a hundred different ways so that they believe it and remember it when I’m not here to tell them anymore.

  I love yo,u Dad, to the moon and back.

  Try not to miss me too much when I’m gone. Maybe a little, but then go on with your life. Be happy. You deserve a hundred lifetimes of happiness.