Awakening to Life

by Guy, Caitlin

  I love you. I love you so much.

  Your daughter,

  Allie.

  ***

  It is another week before I leave the house again, even though I have a few good days. Mum and Dad keep me locked inside, as if it might prevent a downward spiral. But when I do get out, it’s worth the wait.

  “Wow. You two are terrible at this!”

  The sun is setting and Emily is backlit by radiant light. Her eyes are alight with excitement. She looks like an angel. In that moment, it makes me hate her more. I grunt as Jayden drags me from the ground, yet again. “Hey! If I had the stamina—”

  “You wouldn’t have Jayden helping you, so you’d fall twice as often… maybe almost as much as Hailey,” Emily completes my sentence for me, although not where I was heading with it.

  “I used to be good at this!” I demand, wiping my hair from my eyes and glaring at Emily.

  “And I’m only just learning!” Hailey argues, falling over a small stick when she turns to look at Emily.

  I grumble under my breath until I’m back on my feet and rollerblading again. Jayden’s arm remains around my side, guiding me through perilous obstacles and holding me upright when I trip. Apparently rollerblading is not like bike riding; it’s a skill one can forget. Still, I’m grateful I suggested it for the list.

  We are in my favourite spot, where Dad, Josh, and I used to go before I was diagnosed. The path winds along the coast with small rises, making it the perfect place to cross off number six on the bucket list: rollerblading along the beach. The air is not too cold for the time of year. Dipping ever lower in the sky, the sun creates vivid orange and pink hues. It is paradise.

  Hailey, ahead of us by a few metres, suffers a particularly bad fall, toppling into the path of a jogger. Jayden and I slow down to wait as she picks herself back up. Josh and Emily just laugh, skating ahead with the grace of ballet dancers. The jogger leans down and helps her up while Jayden and I make towards her.

  “Aaron!” Hailey starts. Jayden stops suddenly as we both look to Hailey and the jogger.

  “Hey,” Aaron says nervously, taking his hands carefully from Hailey’s waist and flipping his hair from his eyes. His glance flicks between Jayden and me.

  “What are you still doing here, Aaron?” Jayden asks, his voice dangerously low pitched. “Keep running.”

  Jayden’s grip on my waist tightens and I hear his jaw clench shut. Aaron is similarly tense, as if there are tight wires beneath his skin. He remains still. Hailey tries to take a step back and stumbles over another twig, although she manages to remain upright. She attempts to separate herself from Aaron, leaning back without actually moving away.

  “Listen, Jayden,” Aaron says slowly, stepping towards Jayden. “I need to talk to you. I’ve wanted to apologise for a while now.”

  “For what? For badmouthing my girlfriend? For giving me shit about dating her, for even being around her?” Jayden’s voice rises as all the anger finally pours out. It’s like he’s been holding onto it for months, only to unleash it all at once. “Are you apologising for getting me into trouble with just about every teacher in the school, almost getting me suspended? Or stealing from my locker? What exactly are you referring to?”

  I gasp, but Hailey just looks uncomfortable. What have they been hiding from me? Josh and Emily look back from further up the track, seeing the confrontation. Strangers enjoying the beauty of the night pass around us, giving a wide berth. Tension zings through the air around the two boys. I cling to Jayden’s arm, praying that there won’t be a brawl.

  “Allie, I’m sorry for ever teasing you and anything I did to make school harder for you. I’m sorry for talking shit behind your back,” Aaron says. His voice sounds genuine, to me. I look into his eyes and I don’t recognise the person I see. The jerk I knew isn’t the person staring back at me. I trust him. I open my mouth to respond, but Jayden cuts me off.

  “Don’t you dare talk to her. You don’t deserve to talk to her.”

  “I’m sorry for everything, Jayden. I was wrong. I was wrong to dis your girl. I was an arse, but you’re my best friend Jayden… Please give me another chance.”

  “Not anymore. We’re no longer friends.”

  “Mate—”

  “I’m not your mate!” Jayden yells. He lets go of me and takes two shaky steps in Aaron’s direction, his hands scrunched into fists. “Get the hell out of my sight!”

  Josh and Emily stop beside Hailey. “I think you’d better do as he says,” Josh warns quietly.

  My breath catches in my throat. My little brother is actually taller than Aaron; he would be, even without the rollerblades. Although he’s still as thin as a stick, his love for sport has made him strong. Aaron also looks up at Josh, then he looks once more at Jayden before nodding. He jogs away, and moments later, disappears over the slight incline.

  “Jayden,” I start.

  “Just give me a second, Allie,” he says. He raises a hand to his forehead and presses it into his skin. He inhales deeply, then he intertwines my fingers with his and we start skating again. Hailey and Jayden share a look, then she, Josh, and Emily move off again, leaving Jayden and I to trail behind.

  “I think he meant it, Jayden. You should forgive him,” I say.

  He practically growls under his breath. “You have no idea what that piece of shit said about you, or how much trouble he got me into at school because of his stupid grudge. You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew.”

  “You should have told me,” I tell him quietly.

  “Look, I’m not going through it with you. It’s in the past; where it belongs and where it’s going to stay.”

  “He made a mistake. That doesn’t mean he isn’t your friend or that you shouldn’t forgive him,” I say.

  “He did not make a mistake. He acted out of spite over and over again.”

  “He regrets it! I saw his face! You guys have been friends since primary school. I’ve heard the stories. He misses you and you shouldn’t just dump your best friend because I came along. You’re going to need your other friends.”

  From the side glance under my eyelids, I see Jayden’s expression harden. His nails dig into my palm. He doesn’t seem to notice. Anger rolls off him. “For when you’re dead? Is that what you’re saying? That I’m going to have no friends when you’re dead?”

  Waves crash against the beach as though they are trying to rip apart the land. I try to focus on the sound instead of Jayden’s anger. He stares straight ahead and keeps skating. I feel like I’m being tugged along behind him.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” I feel like crying. Tears well behind my eyes. It only serves to make me angrier and more disappointed in myself. I’m so sick of tearing up at the slight provocation.

  “Jayden, I’m sorry.”

  “Tell it to Aaron,” Jayden replies sarcastically.

  His bitter remark feels like a physical blow. He finally takes his arms from mine and skates ahead. Clearly Josh had been spying on us, as he immediately drops back to my side and stays there, ready to support my body if I start to fall.

  I concentrate on skating, pushing over the obstacles that would have tripped me before. After a few moments, the energy wears thin. Josh keeps me upright as I trip. I bite my lip until I draw blood. Jayden drops back a few moments later to skate by my side.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice soft and gentle.

  “It’s okay,” I reply. “I’m sorry too.”

  “Do you want to stop and watch the sunset?” he asks.

  “Sure.” I raise my voice so that everyone can hear. “Let’s stop and watch the sun go down!”

  We careen from the path and onto the lush grass. I pull the skates off and throw them away. The grass is soft under my bare feet. The slight hill gives us a beautiful view over the white sand and calm ocean; but the sky is, by far,
the main attraction. With my head propped on Jayden’s chest, the sunset paints an array of vibrant colours across the horizon. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. It is a captivating sight, and, in the peace of the moment, everything feels perfect.

  My eyes follow the silhouette of an elegant sailing boat in the distance. I smile at the sight, remembering the feel of the waves beneath the boat and the power of the ocean all around.

  “What are you so focused on?” Jayden asks, his lips against my ear. His breath tickles my skin. There is a warm tingling in my heart and butterflies in my stomach.

  “See that boat? It’s called The Ecstasy. I absolutely love that boat.”

  “Have you ever been on it?” Emily asks.

  “Yeah. For her tenth birthday we all went dolphin spotting. We even got to swim with them,” Josh replies in my place.

  “Who’s we?”

  “Mum, Dad, Josh, and me.” I smile at the memory. It is one of the cherished moments of my childhood. I’m glad that we’re sharing it now.

  “Wow. That’s amazing!” Emily gasps.

  “Yeah… It was a pretty special day.”

  “Do you remember why we went dolphin spotting in the first place?” Josh teases. “Because I gave you that massive plush dolphin the Christmas before, and you would barely leave its side.”

  I laugh eagerly. “Sophie! I remember her!”

  “We’re lucky I chose the dolphin. What if I’d picked the shark?” Josh gasps, his eyes wide as he stares around the group.

  We all laugh. Then I turn back to the sunset. I was wrong to put rollerblading on my bucket list; the rollerblading would have been nothing without this. It brings back the times Mum, Dad, Josh, and I would walk along the beach at sunset, grabbing ice creams before we sat to watch the last of the sun’s rays disappear. When the streaks of purple and navy blue emerged and the last licks of ice cream were swallowed, we would go home, listening to music and chatting carelessly the whole way.

  I can’t keep the wide smile from my face as Jayden kisses my neck and the faint tip of golden light disappears. When he drives us all home, he parks in front of the house, and comes inside. We walk into my room without speaking and close the door. Then he takes me in his arms and kisses me until I feel like I’ve dissolved into him.

  The next morning, I wake with my hand on his stomach. I watch his chest rise and fall. His hair flops over his forehead and closed eyes. As much as I try to sleep, I have something on my mind after a night of hospital ridden dreams. So I reach for my notepad and write one more letter before I go back to sleep.

  Dear Dr. Marsden,

  You’ve always been incredibly kind, gentle and understanding to me and my family. You made the cancer less scary. I felt comfortable and safe knowing that you were the one looking after me, prescribing treatments and such.

  I want you to know that you’re a brilliant doctor, and a great person. You care for your patients as people and not a bunch of symptoms. That wide, friendly smile has brightened so many of my days. Your cheerful attitude has been infectious, making the hospital that little bit more welcoming.

  You have been extremely generous with your time. I’ve had many emergencies, at all hours of the day. You’ve always been there to talk me through what has happened and what is going to happen.

  Thank you for going beyond your job for me, while being such an amazing doctor. You’ve saved so many lives; you’re like an angel to me. I hope you have the best of luck in the future.

  Love your favourite patient and biggest fan,

  Allie

  Chapter 17

  I sit in front of my dressing table, cheeks strained with smeared tears and blotches of red. My foundation lies on its side, slowly emptying itself onto the surface of the table. I inhale loudly, overcoming my tears, and place the bottle upright. The makeup sinks back down to the bottom of the bottle. I sweep up the leftover liquid with a finger, using some to fix the makeup on my face. I almost erase the signs of my tears.

  As I work to disguise my sudden outpour of ridiculously shallow emotion, Mum walks into my bedroom. A smile fades from her face when she sees me.

  “Allie! What’s wrong?”

  I almost burst into tears again. “Mum… I can’t wear any fancy dresses. My whole body is covered scars. What am I going to do? I can’t just wear my jeans to the formal!”

  Tonight is formal, my school formal. If I were a student, it would be the biggest event of the year. Hailey had been accidentally mentioning it for months, always biting back the references in the last second because I couldn’t go. But I felt fine. I’d been at home, with no excursions or bucket list activities for a week, and finally I understood why. They were planning for me to go to formal.

  “Oh, honey – you’re beautiful no matter what you wear, and Jayden will think the same,” she says with a gentle smile.

  “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me earlier! I can’t go! Not like this…”

  “Allie, do you really think we didn’t plan for this? I have the perfect dress for you. I was just coming to tell you.” She laughs gently, tugging on my arm. Mum leads me downstairs and into her room. Reaching into the back of the wardrobe, she pulls out a red dress.

  The dress is cinched at the waist and flows straight down from there, hiding her legs. It has long, delicate sleeves and a high neckline that is impossible to find in most of the shops frequented by girls my age. It is elegant, beautiful and will make me look like a thin model, instead of a cancer patient.

  As I struggle to regain my composure and close my open mouth, Mum pulls out stunning black flats which twist around one’s foot, specked with faux diamonds. When I raise the dress’ hemline to walk up stairs, people will be too distracted by how beautiful the shoes are to judge me for not wearing heels.

  “But, Mum! We have different sized feet,” I exclaim.

  “I bought these for you, Allie. The shoes and the dress… Hailey called me. I’m sure Jayden would have; but he’s a guy, he doesn’t think of things like this.” Mum laughs. “Well, he filled Hailey in on the plan — so maybe he did.”

  “Oh they’re perfect! Thank you!”

  “Well come on, try them on!” She grins, pushing me into the en-suite of her room. I tug the dress over my head and the shoes over my ankles; then I catch a glance of my reflection in the mirror. I’m stunned. I look beautiful. I look sexy and confident.

  I stand staring, sweeping my hand over my waist and along my arms. The reflection moves with me. It is everything I hoped it would be and more. Mum knocks gently on the door.

  “Can I come in?” she calls.

  I release a strangled, “Yes.”

  She enters the room and stands next to me. “Chin up; and straighten your back,” she says. “There… you are beautiful, Allie. You always have been and you always will be.”

  I smile. My eyes moistening again. “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “You’re welcome. Now, let’s do something fabulous with your hair.”

  Mum makes me sit down on the chair in her room. She carts brushes, bobby pins, and hairspray onto her bed, connecting the curler to the extension cord and pulling it around the corner, into the room. In about half an hour, my hair is in an intricate bun with stray curls framing my face. Small braids hold my hair in a style that is beyond perfect. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. It’s just like what I imagined getting ready for my formal would be like, only better.

  When Jayden arrives on my doorstep, Dad opens the door and lets him in. I emerge from the living room, stopping when I see him. Jayden is wearing black dress pants and jacket with a white shirt, the top button left undone. He takes my breath away in one glance.

  Jayden stands frozen in the entrance. His eyes roam my body. “Allie.” He breathes the word. “You look so beautiful.”

  I grin as Dad clears his throat loudly. Jayden
shakes his head and draws a hand from behind his back, presenting me with a bunch of red roses. They match the colour of my dress. I smile and, for the second time today, tear up a little — although this time they’re happy tears. I pose with and without the flowers. Mum gets pictures of us smiling, making funny faces, even a few with Jayden kissing me on the cheek. I avoid Dad’s gaze. Josh giggles at my face. I avoid his eyes too.

  As we cross the front lawn, Mum wishes us good night and Dad shouts threats at Jayden, who swears he’ll bring me home on time. When we get to the car, Jayden pulls my door open like a perfect gentleman. I grin, folding myself into the seat and watching him as he runs around the car looking incredibly handsome in his suit. Jayden flops into the driver’s seat and backs out onto the road.