A Silver Lining

by Anne Douglas

  ‘I feel the same,’ Ross told her, still holding her close. ‘Seems an age since we last met.’

  ‘An age,’ she agreed, releasing herself to look at him as people from the train surged by. ‘But you look just the same. A little thinner, maybe—’

  ‘No, no, I’m no thinner!’ He laughed. ‘Not on a diet of army stodge! And you look wonderful, Jinny, really lovely. So smart in your uniform!’

  ‘With my one stripe? If anyone looks smart, it’s you, Ross. Here, let me see your second pip – oh, very grand!’

  ‘Come on, let’s not waste time; let’s get out of here. We’ll have to take a tram – can’t see any taxis at the moment …’

  ‘Always looking for taxis,’ she said fondly. ‘The tram will be fine. But where are we going?’

  ‘I thought we’d have a meal at the club and then – I don’t know – I expect you’ll want to see your father?’

  ‘He won’t be back from the theatre. I’ll see him later, and May sometime tomorrow.’

  ‘That’s fine. I wasn’t expecting you to get a weekend pass just for me.’

  Did he really think that? Well, it was true, she did want to see her father and May, but the object of this visit was in fact to see Ross. She hadn’t been able to think of anything else since she’d had news of his leave. Which told her something, didn’t it? Told her quite a lot.

  ‘All right to come to the club, then?’ Ross asked as they climbed the slope from the station. ‘I think you enjoyed your visit before.’

  ‘I did. But are you sure no one will make trouble if I’m not commissioned and you are?’

  ‘No one will say a word,’ Ross said firmly. ‘The club’s like a sanctuary, and no one’s young enough to be in the services, anyway, so they won’t notice anything.’

  At the club that seemed so much the same, as though untouched by conflicts outside its walls, they were given a corner table as before, and it was true, as Ross had said: none of the elderly patrons looked as though they would want to take any notice of the rank of army people. In fact, one or two smiled at the attractive young couple dining near them, and Jinny smiled back, thinking what a pity it was that there had to be any different ranks at all, but maybe the army wouldn’t function without them? With Ross sitting opposite her, his brown eyes riveted on her face, she soon forgot to worry about it, anyway.

  What they had for dinner scarcely registered, and the fact that now there was no wine on offer at all was of no importance. All they wanted was what they had, to be together again, to talk about their different army lives, to study each other, to make the most of the short time they would have.

  The only thing that rather distracted Jinny was that she couldn’t truly be sure that Ross wasn’t keeping something from her. His face seemed at first sight to be as open as ever, yet, every so often, she would have the feeling that there was some shadow crossing his features and that there were words trembling on his lips that were never said.

  ‘Ross,’ she said at last, when they were taking coffee in the lounge again, ‘is there something wrong?’

  ‘Wrong? No, of course not. Everything’s wonderfully right – can’t you tell?’

  ‘Yes, but somehow I have the feeling that you want to tell me something yet you never do. So what is it? If there’s something I should know, I’d like you to say.’

  ‘I was going to tell you sooner or later,’ he answered after a pause. ‘But then I thought, why spoil the first time we meet again?’ He gave a wry smile. ‘Seems I didn’t reckon on your eagle eye, Jinny.’

  ‘You’re too honest to keep secrets, Ross.’

  ‘I’ve always known I wouldn’t make a spy.’

  Jinny sipped her coffee, then set down the cup. ‘Well, what is it, then?’ she asked, with a little impatience. ‘What is it that I need to know?’

  ‘It’s just that … this leave I have, well, it’s not ordinary leave … it’s embarkation leave.’

  ‘Embarkation?’ Her impatience had died. She knew now why he hadn’t wanted to tell her what she needed to know. ‘You’re being posted from the Isle of Wight?’

  ‘We all are. The battalion is on the move.’

  ‘Where to, Ross? Can you tell me?’

  Again, he hesitated. ‘India.’

  ‘India? Oh, no, Ross, no! Why should you go there? You won’t be fighting Germans; it’s not involved in the war … why should you go to India?’

  ‘Certain tribesmen are attacking British stations on the north-west frontier. We’ve been given the job of sorting them out.’ Ross moved his coffee cup to and fro. ‘That’s the situation, Jinny. I agree, we won’t be fighting the Germans, perhaps for some time—’

  ‘Some time …’ Jinny’s voice was very low. ‘How long will you be going for, then?’

  ‘We don’t know.’ He raised his eyes to hers. ‘Depends on the situation, but it might be … hell, I don’t know. You can see why I didn’t want to tell you.’

  ‘I suppose wherever you went’ – her voice was trembling – ‘it would have been as bad. I mean,’ she tried to laugh, ‘I don’t want you fighting Germans, either.’

  He caught at her hand and pressed it. ‘One day, you have to believe it, the war will be at an end and we’ll be free of anxiety, free to live our own lives again. That’s what you have to hang on to, Jinny, and in the meantime …’ His eyes on her were tender. ‘We have our weekend.’

  ‘Our weekend,’ she repeated. ‘Yes, at least we have that.’

  Sixty-Four

  In spite of all their efforts, however, they could not take real pleasure in their weekend. They had looked forward to it for so long, wondered if it would ever happen, but now that it had, the news from Ross of his embarkation had cast a shadow they could not lift.

  Of course, they still carried out what they’d planned, meeting early the next day to climb Calton Hill again and look out at the views over the city that Ross said he’d carry with him to India, have lunch at the place they’d found in Thistle Street, then walk for a while below the castle in Princes Street gardens.

  ‘I suppose I should look in at Comrie’s,’ Ross said as they found a bench and sat together. ‘I won’t be seeing them for a while.’

  ‘You could,’ Jinny answered. ‘I’m sure they’d appreciate it, but I don’t think I’ll come with you.’

  ‘I’ll leave it till Monday, then.’ Ross looked bleakly toward the castle, Jinny’s hand firmly locked in his. ‘I have a couple of days left after you’ve gone tomorrow.’

  Tomorrow. The word sent an arrow piercing their hearts. Tomorrow they must say goodbye.

  ‘Come on,’ said Ross, leaping up, ‘there’s time to go to the Botanic Gardens. I’d like to see them before I leave, then have a cup of tea. If they’re still doing teas.’

  ‘Where shall we go this evening?’ Jinny asked as they went for yet another tram. ‘Were you thinking of the club again?’

  ‘No. Someone told me of a place in George Street where they still have quite decent food. I thought we might try that.’

  ‘I’ve got a better idea. Why not come back to Fingal Street? If you don’t mind having something light? I got some salad stuff in this morning and there’s ham and cheese. No coffee, I’m afraid, only tea.’

  ‘Jinny, that’s a marvellous idea! Just to be alone, the two of us …’ Ross’s eyes were shining. ‘Who cares about coffee?’

  The thought of being by themselves raised their spirits for the first time that day, and by the time they arrived at the flat in Fingal Street they were so keyed up for this first time alone, they’d managed to put tomorrow’s goodbyes from their minds.

  ‘It’s not going to be much of a meal, Jinny said nervously as she laid out the things for their supper. ‘I wish I’d been able to boil eggs, but of course, Dad’s got no eggs.’

  ‘Jinny, come here,’ Ross said gently. ‘Stop worrying about what we eat. I don’t give a damn.’

  As soon as she’d moved into his arms, she sensed his transformation fro
m special friend to man in love, and knew she felt the same herself. Knew she’d crossed from not being sure of her feelings to being so sure she was glad to kiss him as passionately as he kissed her, and to lie close to him on the old sofa. If only – if only – they stared at each other wildly, longing to put what they wanted to say into words, until Ross stood up and gave a long shuddering sigh.

  ‘It’s no good, Jinny. We can’t risk it.’

  ‘Can’t? Folk do this all the time, Ross.’

  ‘And regret it.’

  ‘Not always.’

  ‘Maybe not, but I’m not talking about the usual worry, though it is a worry when we’re parting tomorrow. I’m thinking that I might be away for years, you won’t see me, and as the time goes on, you might …’

  He halted, looking down at her with those brown eyes that had always been so kind, so concerned, and now were more troubled than she’d ever seen them.

  ‘Might what?’ she whispered.

  ‘Not feel the same.’

  ‘You think because my feelings changed for Viktor they’d be likely to change about you? This is different, Ross. I promise you I’m not going to change.’

  ‘There’s time involved, Jinny. It can do strange things. And I don’t feel I can ask you to wait. When, apart from anything else, I might – well, you know what might happen—’

  ‘Don’t, Ross,’ she said quietly. ‘Don’t talk about that.’

  ‘But you see why I’m not going to ask you to be committed to me? It just wouldn’t be fair.’

  ‘Do you think you will stay committed to me?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I do. I’m sure.

  ‘Then why shouldn’t I be sure, too?’

  ‘You’re younger, you’re beautiful, you could meet someone – anybody—’

  ‘No,’ she said steadfastly. I won’t meet anybody, because I don’t want to. Look, let’s not talk about this any more. Let’s not think about the future, just today.’

  ‘Today,’ Ross agreed, and their mouths met in long, long kisses, until Jinny drew away, sighing, and suggested they have something to eat.

  ‘As though we were hungry,’ she added, with a laugh.

  ‘It looks very good,’ Ross remarked, taking a plate. ‘This was such a wonderful idea of yours, Jinny, having time alone.’

  Especially for their last evening, both were thinking, but neither put that into words.

  Sixty-Five

  After they’d eaten what they could, they sat close together on the sofa, Jinny resting her head on Ross’s shoulder, while he put his arm around her. They felt so completely as one there seemed no need to talk, but Jinny at last sat up and asked Ross what she knew was an impossible question: how long did he think the war might last?

  ‘Oh, Jinny, what a thing to ask!’ he answered with a groan. ‘Years, I should say. We’re nowhere near defeating Hitler, and we’ve now got Mussolini to worry about in North Africa. There’s talk that Rommel and the German Afrika Korps will soon be arriving, and that’s bad news too. Rommel’s a very talented general – no one fancies being up against him.’

  At the dismayed look on Jinny’s face, Ross shook his head and held her close for a moment. ‘Look, I don’t want to upset you,’ he murmured, smoothing back her hair. ‘We shouldn’t just be looking on the dark side. “Look for the silver lining” – isn’t that what people say?’

  ‘Trust you to be optimistic!’ Jinny said, sighing. ‘Not everyone can see it.’

  ‘OK, there is a bit of good news I’ve just remembered.’

  ‘I wish you’d tell me, then.’

  ‘Well, there’s another rumour going about that Hitler’s planning to attack Russia. If he does – and they say he’s already got German troops massing on the borders – he might well be shooting himself in the foot. Russia’s so vast, has such a terrible climate, as well as the Red Army, that it’s unlikely he’ll succeed there, and if he loses a huge amount of men, he’ll be weakened.’ Ross, looking hopeful that he had cheered her, turned Jinny’s face towards his. ‘Does that sound encouraging?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ The words ‘German troops’ seemed to be echoing through her mind, coupled with ‘huge amount of men’, and just for a moment the question arose: would Viktor be among them? If only she knew what had happened to him … It seemed right that she should, they’d been so close once … But now the man she loved was gazing at her, and she leaped to her feet, saying she would make some tea, her father would soon be home from the theatre and would be delighted to see Ross.

  How quickly their weekend was running away from them, she thought with a pang as she put on the kettle and set out cups. Already, Saturday, their main day, was almost over. To come, there would be their passionate yet melancholy parting, followed by the night to lie alone, and tomorrow, after their last meeting, Ross would see her to the station, for he’d changed his mind about railway farewells, and that would be it. No more contact except for letters – for how long? Years, perhaps, Ross had said.

  Years? At the thought, her heart was as heavy as stone, but she stoically made the tea, hearing her father’s step on the stairs, and resolved to be as totally committed to Ross as he’d said he would be to her. And when the years were past and the war was over, then, maybe, they could think about their happiness. Maybe.

  ‘Why, Ross, hello!’ Josh was crying. ‘My, isn’t it grand to see you, then? Let me shake your hand.’

  Everything worked out just as Jinny had thought it would. After the long goodnight in the street and she had watched Ross move reluctantly away, she lay awake most of the night, wishing she had not had to spend it alone, and in the morning, after a sweet visit from May, she and Ross went out together, just walking in the city, before having lunch, for which they had no appetite, at a George Street hotel. Then it was back to Fingal Street for Jinny to change into her uniform, pack her kitbag, kiss Josh goodbye and hurry with Ross to the station for the train to Chester.

  ‘You really shouldn’t be seeing me off,’ she told him. ‘You did say you hated station farewells.’

  ‘I did, but this time I don’t want to waste any time I could spend with you. Every minute is precious.’

  ‘I know, I know. I’m glad you came.’

  They were standing close on the platform, surrounded by other couples and families saying goodbye. Already some were crying, and Jinny was close to tears herself, yet trying to keep them back, at least until she was on the train.

  ‘This is where we promise to write,’ Ross said softly. ‘But we will write, won’t we?’

  ‘We will. I don’t need to promise.’

  ‘Nor do I. But if there’s a delay in our letters, you’ll understand, Jinny? We’re going to have to travel a hell of a long way, and I’ve no idea how things will be in India. There may be times when I just can’t write, but it won’t mean I haven’t been wanting to—’

  ‘Ross, don’t worry about it. I’ll be grateful for anything that comes.’

  Jinny’s words were brave, but her face was pale, for her train was arriving, and it was time for the last embrace, the last long kiss. In spite of herself, a sob escaped her as she wrenched herself from Ross’s arms and saw the misery on his face. Reaching up, she kissed him one more time, then turned to board the train, but he was with her still, trying to make a path for her between the soldiers already waiting, who called out, ‘Watch it, darling!’ until they saw the look on Ross’s face and said no more.

  Finally she was aboard, staying close to the open window, and as the train began to move she waved and waved, as Ross waved too, until he was a speck on the platform and she was alone, even though surrounded by others. Then she let the tears fall.

  ‘Oh, you poor thing!’ Pauline exclaimed when she and Josie first saw her on her return. ‘Must’ve been awful, saying goodbye.’

  ‘He’ll come back,’ said Josie. ‘Don’t worry.’

  ‘And I’ve got some news,’ Pauline told her. ‘Though I don’t want to make a big thing of it—’

&n
bsp; ‘Go on, Jinny’ll be pleased for you,’ Josie said shortly. ‘We all are.’

  ‘Fact is,’ Pauline whispered, ‘I’m engaged.’

  ‘Why, that’s wonderful!’ cried Jinny. ‘Yes, I am pleased for you, Pauline. Of course I am!’

  ‘Show her the ring,’ ordered Josie, and Pauline duly showed off the pretty ring on her left hand, which Jinny praised with quite genuine feeling.

  ‘What are the plans, then?’

  ‘Oh, no plans yet. Maybe a wedding next year.’

  Pauline’s face was so wreathed in smiles, Jinny gave her a quick hug, and tried not to compare her own lot with her friend’s. It was good that someone was happy, eh? But as she turned away she caught the sympathy of a fellow sufferer in Josie’s eyes, and had to go into the bathroom before she began to cry again.

  Sixty-Six

  Now began the long years without Ross that Jinny had braced herself to face. Sometimes she wondered what she would have done without his letters, that gave her not only the joy of knowing she was loved, but the courage to keep going, and supposed that she would have had to survive, just as people without such support had to survive. But, oh, she was so glad she had them, and when it happened that he was unable to write, even though he had warned her that there would be such breaks, she felt quite bereft until she saw the familiar handwriting on an envelope again.

  Like everyone else, she followed the war news with avid interest, noting not long after Ross had left that he’d been right about Hitler’s invasion of Russia, which happened in June. Not right, maybe, that Hitler had made a mistake, for when three million German troops poured into the attack, with three thousand tanks, it seemed at first that Russia was not retaliating well.

  ‘Oh, dear, bad news,’ said Pauline. ‘Chris says the critics of Hitler have got it all wrong. He’s winning again in Russia, just like everywhere else.’

  ‘Except over here,’ Jinny reminded her, but she too felt troubled in case Hitler was proving invincible, before she again found herself wondering if Viktor was one of those millions of German army troops involved. He had become so shadowy, however, that her thoughts didn’t linger on him, especially when the news came later in the year that the Russians had suddenly begun to fight back, with all the strength people had always expected of them. Even when Leningrad was put under siege by the Germans, the people there did not give in, which showed, everyone said, how difficult they would be to beat as a nation.