Before I Let Go

by Darren Coleman

  “You know I did, baby. I should have gone with you,” she said, as she pulled off. “You didn’t want to drive, did you?” she said, as she looked into the rearview mirror.

  “No, I’m straight.”

  She slid the roof back nearly halfway. I felt the breeze come sliding in. It was too damned cold for the roof to be open like that, but I knew better than to say anything about being cold. She would have told me to put my shirt on, which I couldn’t do, thanks to Darlene’s lipstick. “That air feels good,” I said, as I reached to close the roof a little.

  “Then why are you closing it, Cory? It’s stuffy in here. If you’re cold then put your shirt on. And why do you have it tied like that anyway? You look like a fag.”

  “I’m not cold. I just didn’t want it blowing on my head like that. It was warmer in Atlanta,” I said, and I knew I needed to change the subject. “So, did you drop Tory and Kyle off or did Brenda come and pick them up?”

  “Actually, I met her at your mom’s house, since it was on the way to the airport anyway.” She pointed toward the back seat, and I saw a paper bag on the floor. “Your mom cooked, and she fixed us plates. She made your favorite dessert.”

  “Lemon cake,” I said excitedly.

  Nina just smiled.

  “Good. Now we don’t have to go out to eat, because I have, like, no food in my house,” I said, sounding both relieved and disgusted with myself.

  “Negative. I went grocery shopping last night before we came in. So, actually, you do have plenty of food.”

  Nina was a good damned woman. You don’t find one like that every day. I’m talking about a woman who will clean up, wash the clothes, and keep the refrigerator stocked. Even though she is there at least four days a week, she still doesn’t owe me anything. I mean, it’s not like she just cleans up after herself. She’s cleaning ovens, scrubbing mildew out of the shower, wiping out the fridge and the microwave, wiping the dust out of the linen closet, and cleaning the balcony windows—on the outside. Crazy shit like that detailed cleaning might not ever get done if it were left up to me.

  “Baby,” I said, making sure I had her full attention. When she glanced over at me I said, “I love you. I really do.”

  “You better. ’Cause I love you, too,” she said.

  “Say it in Spanish, like you do when I’m inside of you.”

  She complied. “Papi, te amo.” She sounded so sexy. She was so gorgeous and special. I don’t know why I had cheated on her with Darlene. It was only the second time in four months I had done it, but I still knew it wasn’t right. It wasn’t as though I had no control over myself. I truly didn’t know why I had done it. Nina was everything I had ever wanted in a woman, and then some. I had to get my priorities straight before I wound up walking around wondering how I had lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. Again.

  Brendan sat on the edge of his bed. He held one of his new sneakers in his hand, debating whether or not he even wanted to run in them and mess them up. They were brand-new Nike Shox running shoes, which Laney had definitely put a couple of dollars into. His old pair of Adidas had begun to show the wear and tear of nearly four months of running. Laney had obviously taken notice and had sprung for a new pair. She had gone beyond the call of duty once more, and seemed intent on buying her way back into Brendan’s good graces.

  An envelope also lay on the bed next to the shoebox. When Brendan finally put the shoe down, he picked up the envelope and opened it to find a letter. Brendan nudged his door closed, because he had heard Renee up and moving around in the kitchen. He didn’t want to be disturbed. He propped a pillow up underneath his back as he scooted closer to the wall.

  Dear Brendan,

  I hope that you enjoy the shoes and that you do a lot of running in them. I don’t want you to ever forget that you deserve the best, even if you get a new running partner. I believe that you know it (that you deserve the best), and I am sorry that you don’t think that I fit that category any longer. I have had time to do a lot of thinking in the last month, since we went our separate ways. I know that you are the man for me, but if you decide that I am not the woman for you, then I will understand. My only regret is that you have not given me a chance to explain. I hope that you take the time to read this letter with an open mind and heart. It is not easy for me to write about these things, but I will in order to make you understand why I did some of the things that I did.

  Like you said, there is no explanation for having sex with those men that night, and I wish that I could say that they forced me, but I cannot. I was not in my right mind, though. I was really depressed. My sister had just died in a car accident, and my mother was strung out. I know that you can’t relate to a parent who is an addict, but Brendan, I grew up with it every day, from the time that my father ran out on her when I was in the sixth grade and left me and my sister behind.

  I wanted to go to college, Brendan, and better myself, but no one was offering me any scholarships, so I had to make money the best way that I could. I was tired of standing on my feet at IHOP twelve hours a day just to keep a roof over my head. So when a friend from high school came into the restaurant one day and told me how good I was looking and how much money I could make, I just did it. It was something I just planned to do long enough to save up money for school and a new start somewhere outside of Philly…somewhere away from my mother.

  Brendan flipped the page. His hands were shaking, and he couldn’t believe what he was reading.

  Somehow, though, weeks turned into months, and before I knew it two years had passed. I had plenty of money in the bank, and I had been accepted into Delaware State. I was prepared to leave last year when the accident with my sister happened. I was still going to leave. My mother promised to get cleaned up so that she could care for my sister’s little boy. She’d done well for the last year, at least I thought she had, until I got a call from the state saying that my nephew had been taken into custody. It turned out that my mother never got any better, and had in fact gotten worse. She had left my nephew, Tyler, who is five now, at home for three days by himself. He had missed school for two days. The school finally called the house, and he answered the phone. Eventually, his father’s mother took him in, with my promise to support him. His father is in jail doing life. Things had been really rough on me, and life had cut me no breaks, until I met you. I never made it to Del State, but I did get a fresh start. But I guess the past has a way of coming back to haunt you.

  I am sorry that I ever got you mixed up with me without telling you about my life, but I knew that you probably would never have treated me the way that you did if I had. I only told you the good things, the things that I wanted you to know. I have learned only to look at myself that way. In high school I was a state champion in track. I won at the Penn relays in my senior year. I felt good then. I had overcome some major odds. Everyone was proud of me. I could have gone to a couple of colleges then. I was offered partial scholarships, but my mother told me to wait and save some money. She couldn’t afford it. Well, you see how that turned out. After that, I stayed out of trouble while everyone else kept making a mess out of my life. Before I knew it, I was babysitting for my sister all of the time. If I wasn’t doing that then I was working to keep the lights on when my mother and her boyfriend smoked up the electric bill. Eventually I ended up doing the wrong thing, not even that dancing is the wrong thing. I should have never started doing the private parties and getting greedy. I wasn’t the one who stole from that party, though. Sheila did that, and I know I should have stopped her, but she would have never listened anyway.

  As Brendan flipped the page, a tear welled up in the corner of his eye. He was beginning to feel like shit. Who had he been to judge Laney, he thought, as he read on?

  Brendan there is more to tell, but nothing worse than these things. Just more about my family. I hope that this helps you understand, if that is possible. I am in Philly now checking on my nephew. He has been sick lately, and I am concerned. I don’t
know how long I will be gone. I just want you to know that I love you. I have never loved any man since my father, and he left. I guess that’s why I can accept it if you must go, too. I am learning that leaving is just something that men do. I have decided that I will not contact you again. I won’t make it hard for you. If you have a change of heart you can call me. If I don’t hear from you, then I wish you all the best. Loving you now and forever,

  Laney

  Chapter 22

  CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR

  Nate walked into the barbershop and greeted the owner, Mike, and his longtime barber, Dee. It was pretty tranquil in the shop for a Thursday. Although each of the barbers had a customer, except for the new one, who sat reading the sports page attempting to look busy, there were only a couple of customers waiting to be served. Even Dee, who usually had customers lined up four deep, was slow.

  “Where’s everybody at, Dee?” Nate asked jokingly.

  “Shit, they ain’t in my pocket. Check yours.” Dee laughed back. “If I don’t get some people in here quick, I might have to borrow a grand from you.”

  “Yeah, right.” Nate stood and grabbed a magazine, then sat back down. “Is anybody in front of me?”

  “Nope.” He turned to the older gentleman seated next to Nate. “Mr. Johnny, are you going to me or Mike today?”

  Mr. Johnny shrugged his shoulders. “It don’t really matter. It looks like Mike is going to be finished sooner, so I’ll check him out today.”

  “Okay, then,” Dee said. “Nate, you’re next.”

  “Bet.”

  Mr. Johnny looked at Nate and said, “That’s a pretty ride you got out there.” Nate had parked directly in front of the window. “What is that? A Lexus?”

  “Thanks. Yeah, it’s a LS 430.”

  Mr. Johnny pulled out a piece of peppermint. “I prefer American models myself. I’m looking at that new DeVille.” Mr. Johnny’s eyes lit up when he mentioned the Caddy.

  “Yeah, those are nice.”

  “Yo, Nate, you should get you a Cadillac. Being as though you one of the last true pimps.” Dee laughed out. He was always on joke time. If he wasn’t talking about Mike’s big aunt, then he was talking about Clarence’s raggedy teeth. He kept everyone laughing. Mike was even more hilarious. He had to act more mature since he was the owner, but he was just as much a clown as Dee. Between the two of them, people came to the shop just as much to hear them crack on each other and argue as they did to get a haircut, it seemed.

  “No, my brother. That’s you. You know you’re the Mack,” Nate said. Dee had just as many women as Nate. When the two of them spoke, it was always to compare notes and share stories. Since Nate had been dating Sahleen and India, though, he hadn’t been able to keep up with Dee, and Dee made a point of mentioning it every week.

  Mr. Johnny stepped into Mike’s chair. “Mr. Johnny, do you hear these jokers?” Mike asked, as he put the cape over him. “Like they know anything about women.”

  Dee smacked his lips and shook his head. “Maaannnn. Here he goes again, the king of the player haters.”

  “Hell, you have to be a player first before I can hate on you,” Mike said, as he tapped Mr. Johnny’s shoulder.

  “Heh, heh.” Mr. Johnny laughed.

  “Mike, you know I got plenty of ladies. Nate might have slowed his roll, but I get more ass than you get air,” Dee said.

  “You’re supposed to. I’m a married man now, but when I was out there kicking it…”

  Dee cut him off. “You know that you weren’t running the broads like I do. I saw some of those raggedy chicks you used to go out with.”

  “Who?” Mike said defensively.

  “How about that one that you thought was so fine, you know that horse-head chick with the big feet.” Everyone in the shop burst into laughter. Dee went on. “And don’t ever forget about the one that pops by here now and then…that chick’s butt is shaped like a VCR, with her wide-backed self.”

  “Oh man, I didn’t ever mess with her,” Mike stammered out. “She’s an old friend. I’ll tell you this, though…that horse-head bitch was fine back in the day.”

  “C’mon Dee, ya’ll fools are crazy,” Nate said, laughing. He knew just who Dee was talking about, and her butt was shaped like a VCR.

  Dee finished up with his customer and collected his money. Nate got into the chair, and Dee put the cape on his favorite customer and cleaned off his clippers.

  “Man, the dude I just cut gets on my nerves,” Dee said. His tone had now dropped low enough so that he was talking loud enough for only Nate to hear.

  “Why?”

  “That fool always comes in here with a bunch of grease in his hair. I told his ass like twenty times to wash that shit out before he comes in here.” The clippers went on, and Dee began to shave Nate’s head. “So, what’s been happening?”

  “Nada. I’m about to roll up to the Rotten Apple in the morning.”

  “New York. What you going up there for?” Dee asked, hands moving back and forth.

  “My chick, the one that models, is shooting a video with Shawn Simmons.”

  “Shawn Simmons. No shit?” Dee’s voice perked up. “Yo, that bitch is tight. She is so phat.”

  “Yeah. I’m just gonna chill on the set of the shoot. Maybe I’ll sneak into her trailer or something.” Nate smiled.

  “I know I would.” Dee cut some more, and then asked, “So that’s the chick Simone, right?”

  “Sahleen.”

  “Yeah. So she’s big into that modeling stuff, huh. I mean, like she’s making money doing that?”

  “Hell, yeah,” Nate bragged. “She just directed her first shoot down in Barbados. She just got back last Thursday.”

  Dee nodded his head. “Oh, yeah. And she’s going straight to NYC tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. She stays on the road at least half of the month,” Nate said, as Dee pushed his head forward so that his chin was touching his chest.

  Dee was getting the hair off Nate’s neck. When he finished he spun the chair to shape up Nate’s mustache. “Do you think she got any friends? I want me one of those damned models.”

  Nate sat quietly until his mustache was finished. “I don’t know if she has any friends. She doesn’t talk about any of them much. I can ask for you, though,” Nate offered. He didn’t really plan on hooking Dee up, though. Dee was cool, but aside from cutting hair he was into some risky business out in the streets. The last thing that he needed was for Sahleen to think he was hanging out with drug dealers. Dee wasn’t hard core or anything. He only hustled enough to pay for his Dinali, his motorcycle, and to have money to spend on women and clothes.

  Dee was a wild character. Nate enjoyed talking to him and hanging out with him from time to time. As a matter of fact, Dee was going to South Beach with Nate, Cory, Brendan, and a couple of other friends for the Soul Beach Music Festival at the end of the month. When neither Nate nor Dee had the change for Nate’s fifty to pay for the haircut, they walked next door to the carryout.

  Nate ordered a gyro and offered Dee lunch.

  “Just get me some fries, thanks.”

  “You got it.” Nate ordered the fries.

  They sat in a booth while they waited.

  “So, have you seen Cory this week?” Nate asked.

  “Yeah, as a matter of fact he came through Tuesday. Brought his wife with him.”

  Nate nodded.

  “Your boy is in love, ain’t he?” Dee said, while chewing on a straw.

  “Uhmm. I guess,” Nate said.

  “I don’t blame him. She’s fine as shit. What is she, mixed or something?” Dee asked.

  “Puerto Rican.”

  “I knew she was something. She seems nice. He told me the other day that he’s going to let her move in with him, probably before the summer is out.”

  Nate was shocked. Not about Cory letting Nina move in, but that he had confided in his barber before him. “He told you that for real?”

  “Yeah. He said he’s been l
ooking at rings and shit. He’s gone.” Dee smiled.

  Damn. Nate thought, Cory is moving kind of fast. He’s only been dating Nina for four full months. I knew he was digging Nina, but I had no idea that it was so serious.

  “Damn,” was all Nate said aloud.

  “You didn’t know that?” Dee asked. Nate could tell that Dee was a little shocked, but as a barber he was used to hearing the life story of everyone who got in his chair. He sometimes felt more like a therapist than a barber. Dee kept on talking. “He told me that he used to go with her sister back in the day. What’s up with that?”

  “That’s kind of wild, huh?” Nate offered.

  “Yo, that shit is mad foul. What kind of sister does some shit like that?” Dee had a smile on his face.

  “I guess they figured that it was a long time ago.” Nate had no answers. He was the last to judge. “Plus, her sister moved on like five years ago or something. I doubt if she would trip.”

  “But I know most bitches wouldn’t want a man that their girlfriends had fucked, let alone their sister.” Dee thought about it, remembering that he had knocked off several women who traveled in the same circles. “At least he wouldn’t get into a relationship with them. But hell, if a player can get away with it…more power to him.”

  The Korean lady behind the counter called the number on Nate’s ticket, and he jumped up to grab it. Dee didn’t move, so Nate assumed that he was going to sit there and eat his fries. Dee smothered them in ketchup and ripped open three packs of pepper and sprinkled them on what seemed to be one spot.

  “So what’s the deal with the other honey that you’ve been seeing?” Dee asked, referring to India. India had come to the shop with Nate a couple of times to get her eyebrows arched.

  Nate was chewing a mouthful of his gyro. “Nuttin’. She was tripping on me last weekend, but we’ve been straight this week.”

  “She reminds me of my son’s mom before she got all fat and shit.”

  Nate ignored his last comment, and added, “Last night I took her up to the Bombay Club. It’s a real upscale spot on Connecticut Avenue. You ought to take a honey up there one night. You have to wear a suit jacket up in that piece, though. The night before that we went to the Café Atlantico on Eighth Street. As long as I’m putting in major time and funds, she’s happy.”