Sublime Wreckage

by Charlene Zapata

  "This is too deep for this early in the morning. What's up with you and what's his name?"

  "Not much. We are going out tonight so you can have Vince drop you off after eleven at my house. I'm assuming by the suitcase you weren't planning on going home." She gives me a wink and a smile.

  "Thanks! I do need to crash with you. I really don't want to see my mom having sex again." We both shutter at that thought.

  "You know Amanda, you're worth it too. You deserve a guy who is going to treat you right, respect you and not use you for your body. I know we've had this conversation before many times but don't give in to these losers who just want sex. Once you sleep with them you dump them anyway. I want you to find a guy who wants you for you."

  "Thanks for the lecture, Mom. But I got this covered. I don't want to sleep with this guy I'm seeing. I really don't. I really like him. I think this could actually last. He seems like a nice guy so I'm giving him a chance." That surprises me because I've never heard Amanda talk about a guy so seriously. Maybe I am finally rubbing off on her. Good.

  We part ways once we hit school grounds. She goes one direction and I go the other. I'm sitting in study hall trying to concentrate. It's only been three weeks since school started and I'm already struggling with calculus. I really hate math. My tutor, Suzy Welch, is helping as much as she can but for some reason I'm still not getting it. I finally give up and move onto something less depressing. Suzy seems relieved to be taking a break too. We were given a poetry assignment in English today. We can write about anything we want it just has to be descriptive. I have to admit, poetry isn't the easiest thing to write. I prefer short stories. But that is the assignment. Maybe I will find inspiration with my Grandfather this weekend.

  After practice Vince gives me a ride to the video store. This is our usual routine. Sometimes we don't even talk. We just sit back and listen to music. We have become so comfortable with one another. I don't feel any pressure to fill the silence between us with meaningless conversation. After I get off work we decide to go back to his house and hang out until Amanda gets back from her date. We pull up in his driveway a little after ten o'clock. I wish we had a little more time together tonight.

  "So what do you want to do?" Vincent asks me as we open the front door. I see Tommy sitting on the couch and give him a quick wave. He really is one of the nicest guys. I have gotten to know him a little better over the past couple of weeks. Especially since we usually hang out at Vince's house. I don't let him take me on dates so it doesn't leave us many options since I'm so broke all the time. When we have time we go to the creek but mostly we end up here.

  "I actually need to work on calculus some more. I know that sounds super exciting but I'm really struggling."

  "Vince can help with that. He's a whiz when it comes to math." Tommy shouts at us from the living room.

  "He's right. I'm pretty good at math. I can take a look. Let's head back to my room. You want anything to eat?" Vince has started stocking his pantry with all my favorite junk food since I'm here so much. He knows how much I like to eat.

  "Sure. Are there any Doritos left?"

  "Dorito breath, really Maggie? That's super attractive to your boyfriend." Tommy likes to tease both of us as much as possible. He glances over in our direction waiting for our response.

  "WE AREN'T DATING!" Vince and I say in unison for the hundredth time to Tommy. He just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching his game. Vince grabs the chips and two sodas as we head back to his room.

  We sit on the bed together because there isn't enough room at the desk for both of us. I get out my calculus book and sigh. I don't have much hope that Vince is going to be able to help me. I mean, he did drop out his senior year. I don't even think he got to calculus. I get all my notes and spread them over the bed. Vince picks them up studying each line before starting to go over things with me.

  "Wait, you know calculus?"

  "Of course. Doesn't everyone?" He gives me one of his famous smirks and continues his lesson. I'm shocked. I never would have guessed. He is way smarter than he gives himself credit for. He is actually able to explain this garbage to me in a way that I understand. I think I could pull off an A with his help. I might have to start studying with Vince instead of Suzy.

  "Thanks so much for helping me. I know you have to be bored out of your mind right now."

  "Not at all. This is helping me. I'm studying for my GED and your notes are very clear. It's good review before I take the test." That also takes me by surprise. This is the first time he has mentioned furthering his education.

  "That's awesome. When are you taking the test?"

  "The next available time is right before Christmas. But I'm not sure I will be ready."

  "What do you need help with? Maybe we can study together?"

  "That would be great. Obviously I don't have trouble with math." He gives a little chuckle under his breath which causes me to grab a pillow and hit him in the head. Jackass. "But I do need help with the Social Studies and Language Arts sections. I have some study guides I've been using."

  "No problem. I will make sure you are ready to pass by December! Then we can celebrate!" He gives me the biggest smile. It's so hard sitting this close to him when he looks at me like that. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about kissing him. But I stop myself each and every time. Promising myself not to get attached to him in that way. We have already become such good friends in such a short amount of time. I don't know what it would do to me to open my heart up fully to him.

  It's just after eleven when we finish up. I put the half eaten Dorito bag back in the pantry. I notice my favorite cookies staring back at me. I can't resist so I grab a couple of Oreos for the road. It's amazing the things Vince already knows about me. He pays so much attention to the littlest detail. That is one of my favorite characteristics about him. He is so aware of everyone around him and their needs.

  When we pull up to Amanda's house Vince gets out of the car. I give him a very puzzled look. This is so not the norm. We usually just say a quick good-bye in the car.

  "I just wanted to give you a hug one friend to another before you leave. I won't see you until Monday. I hope you have a good time and please be careful." He walks around the car and before I have time to say anything he picks me up in a bear hug. At first I can feel my body stiffen at our proximity but then I start to relax. It's just a hug for goodness sake. Wow. He smells incredible. I close my eyes and soak him in. We have never been this close before and I don't want to let go. I can feel his warm breath tickling my neck as he exhales deeply. His strong arms feel so damn good wrapped around my body, we seem to fit perfectly together. I have never felt a connection like this with a guy. I feel myself sliding down the front of his body as he sets me back down on the ground. He whispers in my ear so softly I almost didn't hear him.

  "Be safe, Magnolia." I think I'm going to faint. That was the sexiest sound my ears have ever heard. The warmth of his words, the way his mouth grazed my ear perfectly affecting every element of my body. It's almost indescribable the way he just made me feel. My whole body is buzzing with anticipation of what could happen next. I pull away slowly and look up into his big, brown eyes. My eyes drift down to his gorgeous lips. My mind is trying to go over the reasons that this is a bad idea. But right here, right now, in this moment, I can't think of a single one. I take one final breath contemplating if this is right. If I should, if we should take this next step. Then the moment is shattered when Amanda walks up behind us yelling for us to get a room. Vincent bends his head down placing his forehead against mine giving the longest sigh in history.

  "See you when I get back." I give him a small hug then turn to go murder my best friend.

  Chapter Twelve

  The next morning I get up in a hurry. I overslept and now only have about a half hour before my Grandfather gets here to pick me up. Amanda had a little too much to drink last night which explained her little outburst when she saw Vinc
e and me hugging. I let her off the hook this time. I had to sneak her in the house so her parents wouldn't find out she was drunk. Which was no easy task considering she thought the entire process was hilarious. I told her dad that she wasn't feeling well so she could stay home and sleep it off. She works every Saturday at the shop. I know she hates it but what choice does she have. The shop is the family's livelihood. Everyone in the family works there except her oldest brother who decided to go off to college. Smart guy. Her family is my idea of what normal looks like. They try to have dinner together whenever possible. They are supportive of their kids without being too involved. Amanda does get away with murder sometimes because she is the youngest and the only girl. I wonder if she realizes how lucky she really is.

  My Grandfather is right on time. He drives an old silver Cadillac with four doors. I bring my suitcase down the front steps while he gets out of the car to help me. He is over six feet tall with silver hair that he keeps cut in a military style at all times. He is a retired Air Force Colonel who flew every airplane you can think of up until the 1970's when he got a desk job. He is one of the most fascinating people to talk to. He has so many stories about flying in war zones. I can listen to him for hours. I give him a big hug even though he doesn't like showing affection. He hugs me back then awkwardly backs away a little. We get in his car and head home. I call his house home because that's what it feels like. My grandparents never changed my father's bedroom. He moved out sometime after college but they kept everything the same. Maybe they would have eventually changed it but after he died I don't think my Grandmother had the heart to touch anything. That's where I sleep when I stay there. Sometimes I imagine that I can still smell him on the sheets. I know it isn't possible but sometimes I could swear I smell his cologne.

  After we reach the town my Grandfather lives in we head straight to our favorite restaurant. He doesn't cook so every time I visit we go out to eat for every meal. I don't complain because he takes me to such nice places. It's a great treat for me. I secretly think he knows I don't get to eat out often. Over lunch we talk about school mostly.

  "So I wanted to talk to you about college. What are your plans?"

  "Well I'm planning to apply to Bowling Green, OSU, and University of Cincinnati. I can't afford to go out of state. I've looked into it but it's just too expensive."

  "If you had your choice where would you go?" I haven't really thought about it. I don't mind going in state. Any one of the three colleges that I'm hoping to get into is still at least two hours from Milford. That at least gives me some distance from my mother.

  "I don't know. What do you mean? Out of the three?"

  "No, I mean if you could go anywhere in the country where would you go?" Why is he asking me this? I can't afford anything else.

  "I really don't know. I haven't given it much thought Grandpa."

  "I have something I want to share with you but you can't tell Patricia." I give him a puzzled look but agree. "Your father set up a trust fund for you for college. He invested the money wisely. If you want to go out of state you can. Your mother doesn't know anything about it so let's keep it just between the two of us." I shake my head slowly up and down acknowledging that I understand. I don't know what expression I have on my face right now, it must be one of shock because my Grandpa gives me a small nod.

  I can't help it. I can feel the tears filling up in my eyes. I excuse myself from the table. My Grandpa doesn't get emotional so this sort of thing makes him uncomfortable. I learned that a long time ago. He loves me but he doesn't do so well with crying. I go into one of the stalls and weep. That man, my father, I can't even believe how incredible he was. He is still taking care of me, watching out for me. It's like I've just been given a lifeline. I really didn't know how I was going to pay for college. I figured I would have to get a full time job and work my butt off to pay for classes. I have been applying for scholarships but hadn't heard back yet. I look up to the heavens and thank my father. I take several deep breathes, wipe away my tears and head back to the table. My Grandfather is waiting patiently seemingly unaffected by my emotional departure.

  "Sorry about that. I just wasn't expecting it. So what does this mean exactly? Do I still need to pay for room and board? Should I look at scholarships?"

  "Scholarships are never a bad thing. You should try to get some if you can. But you don't need them. The trust fund has enough to cover living expenses and books along with all your classes. I want you to focus on school Maggie. Your education is very important."

  I think I'm in shock. I can't believe what I'm hearing right now. So much weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. I can't believe I get to go to college, any college I want! Well as long as I get into it.

  "Thank you so much Grandpa. I have a lot to think about. Do you have any recommendations?"

  "Just pick a school that has a good program for what you want to major in."

  "But I don't know what I want to major in. Is that bad?" He gives me a small, reassuring smile.

  "No Maggie. Most people your age don't know what they want. Talk to your counselor at school. They can help you." I make a decision right there to see my counselor first thing Monday morning. We finish up with lunch and head to the house.

  It's a ranch style home with a brick exterior. It has a long, curvy driveway that I used to ride my bike up and down as a kid. After my dad passed away, my grandparents would pick me up at least once a month to visit with them. I'm so glad they wanted to have a relationship with me. Once we go inside I quickly head to my room. It is decorated in true 80's style with bright blue carpeting, awful furniture and my grandmother's paintings on every wall. I absolutely love it. I wouldn't change a single thing in this room. It smells like my dad. And Grandma and Grandpa. Have you ever noticed how a house has its very own aroma? I really love spending time here. I wish I could visit more often. I get out the package I wrapped last night for my Grandpa's birthday. He is going to hate the fact that I got him something but I don't care. I also wrote him a very lovely card. He won't read it in front of me but that's okay. I can accept him for the man that he is.

  I ended up getting him a model airplane. I know it's not something I made for him but it's something he can build. He likes to keep his hands and mind busy since he retired about twenty years ago. I think that's why he is still so sharp. His mind is all there. He does crossword puzzles every day. He stills plays golf twice a week with a group of guys on the base. I admire him so much. Vincent actually helped me pick out the plane. Since I'm thinking about him anyway I decide to send him a quick text.

  Hope you found something to do since I'm not around to bother you.

  You are never a bother. Hope you are having fun :-)

  I can't help but smile. His response is almost instantaneous. We don't text or talk much on the phone. When I'm at home I try not to draw attention to my personal life. The less my mom sees my phone lighting up the less questions she asks. Vince seems to have sensed this because he doesn't call me or text more than one line responses. Maybe he just doesn't like to text. Who am I kidding? He notices everything.

  I walk out of my bedroom down to the den. That's my Grandpa's favorite place to sit and visit. I walk right over to him and hand him his gift.

  "It's not much so I don't want to hear any complaining. It's your birthday on Tuesday so I wanted to get you something. I love you. Hope you like it." I immediately go sit down in the chair next to the sofa. He gives a little huff but opens his gift. I can't be certain but I could have sworn that I saw a smile. He thanks me and even says "I love you too, Maggie." That man melts my heart. I know he is rough around the edges but he really does care. After talking for the next few hours we decide to go to our favorite Chinese restaurant for dinner. We sit at our usual table. We come here every time I'm in town so the wait staff know us pretty well. After we order I decide to try some heavy conversation.

  "Grandpa, can I ask you something?"

  "Sure."

  "What did D
ad ever see in Mom? I mean, they just seem like they were complete opposites."

  "Well, they were. But your mom was fun I guess. I don't really know much about their relationship Maggie. I wish I could be more helpful."

  "That's okay. I was just wondering." We move onto to a lighter subject. I know he doesn't like talking about my father. I can see the pain in his eyes. I can't imagine what he went through losing his only child. Sometimes he gets in a talkative mood about my father. That's when I sit quietly soaking in every bit of information. He will share stories about my father's childhood, how determined he was to become a police officer, how stubborn he was and how he would never listen to anything he was told. I love those moments. I don't have anyone else to share my memories with so it's nice when he opens up.

  After dinner we talk a little more then head to bed. As I lay in the bed my father once slept in I can't help but think of the last time we were here together. It was the summer right before the accident. I got to spend a whole three weeks with my dad. If I had known then that I would lose him forever I would have memorized every last detail of that three weeks. But how could I have known. So now I'm left with bits and pieces of memories. But this one has always been very clear.

  We are outside enjoying the warm summer air. Daddy got the hose out to wash the car and before I know it we are having the best water fight ever. I think I might have started it by dumping the bucket of water over his head when he leaned down to wash the rims. Then he picked up the hose spraying me from head to toe. That's when Grandma and Grandpa came outside to see what all the commotion was about. My dad took one look at me, winked, and then sprayed his parents. I thought they would be furious but instead they joined us. We laughed so much that day.

  I miss that. I miss him. You don't realize all the things you are going to miss out on when you first lose someone close to you. It doesn't hit you right away. He will never send me on my first date, he won't see me graduate from high school or college, he won't be there to walk me down the aisle when I get married and he won't be there when I have children. I slowly close my eyes letting my tears fall to my pillow. My heart aches for the time we both lost.