Sublime Wreckage

by Charlene Zapata

  He pulls up to my apartment the same time I do. He doesn't even let me go inside. He says we don't have time for that. We have to hurry because we're losing daylight. About ten minutes into the drive I know exactly where he is taking me. The creek. Our creek.

  It's a good thing I wore my boots because trucking through 5 inches of snow is not fun. We finally reach the opening in the trees and it takes my breath away.

  The sun is setting along the horizon but there's just enough sunlight for the rays to bounce off the slightly frozen water. All of the surrounding trees are covered in a light dusting of snow. The rocks, the ground, everything is white. I'm stunned into silence. He was right. It's so extraordinary. I feel him come up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist while placing his chin on my shoulder. We don't talk. We just stand in each other's presence taking it all in. I don't know how anyone could doubt that God exists when there is such beauty on this earth.

  After several moments I hear Vincent whisper in my ear. "I passed."

  "I never had a doubt in my mind. Thank you for bringing me here. You were right about how amazing this place looks in the winter. I thought it would seem bare and emotionless with all the leaves gone but it doesn't. The snow brings new life, breathing in even more beauty. It really is magical." We stay like that until my legs start to go numb. I take Vincent's hand in mine and lead the way back to the truck.

  "So, where are we going to celebrate? My treat! I got my first paycheck and I want to do something for you for a change."

  "Sounds good to me. I could never say no to you. How about we head to that Italian restaurant on the way back to Milford?"

  "That sounds great. I love Italian food. Have you told your mom the good news?"

  "Not yet. I wanted to celebrate with you first."

  "Maybe after dinner we can go over to her house. I know she is going to be just as excited as I am."

  "I think that's a great idea. I'm sure my mom can't wait to see you again. She really likes you. Almost more than she likes me."

  "I doubt that."

  "Why do you sound so surprised? Just because your mom couldn't see you for the incredible person you are doesn't mean other people can't either. You have one of the kindest hearts Maggie. My mom could see that from the moment she met you."

  I look out the window allowing his words to sink in. It's hard to hear positive things about yourself when all you've heard for years are negatives. I've known deep down inside that I was worth more than the value my mother put on my existence. It just feels odd having it confirmed by someone else.

  Once we are seated at our table I raise my glass to Vince.

  "Congrats to the high school graduate!" We clink our glasses together then take a sip of water. "So what's next? College maybe?"

  "I don't think so Maggie. I don't think I'm the college type. I just don't think I'd do very well."

  "Vincent, why are you always doubting yourself? I believe in you. I know you can do it. I think it would be awesome if we could go off to college together. Just think of the possibilities."

  "I can't leave my family. They still need me. And I have a business to run. I just can't leave town. Plus I can't afford college."

  "I understand. But that doesn't mean you can't pursue something here. There are two community colleges to choose from that offer inexpensive courses. That's what Amanda's going to do. Just for the first two years then transfer to another school. Then you could apply for scholarships to help you pay for the rest."

  "Why even attempt to go when I can't continue onto a four year university? It just doesn't make sense to start something I can't finish. I won't leave my mother and Joey just to pursue something out of my reach."

  "Who says you can't finish it?" I can see the fear in his eyes. The fear of failing. He is so hard on himself. I wish he had as much confidence in his abilities as I do. "You could go for a business degree. Learn how to expand your company and turn it into something huge. I'm sure your mom can survive without you. She's stronger than you think. Plus we could go somewhere close so you could visit whenever you wanted."

  "I really don't want to talk about this anymore. It's not something in my immediate future. Right now I'm just trying to grow my business and help my mom as much as possible. I don't have time for pipe dreams."

  I decide it's best to let it go for now. I can see the irritation building in his eyes. This is clearly a touchy subject for him. Maybe over time I can convince him. I change the subject to something lighter.

  "Have you seen Tommy lately? Amanda has been MIA for a while. I think they're seeing each other behind our backs."

  "I wouldn't put it past either of them. I talked to Tommy about her a couple of weeks ago. He isn't really the one girl at a time type of guy. I told him not to get involved with her because she's your best friend. I even threatened him but he told me he saw something different in her. They really get each other. They're trying to be friends first. I told him to be careful with Amanda because she's been through a lot when it comes to guys. I warned him that if he hurts her he will have me to deal with."

  "Thanks for looking out for her. I know Tommy is a good guy deep down, I just don't want to see her get hurt again."

  "She's a smart girl. I think she can see the best parts of Tommy. We just have to sit back and hope they can find what they're looking for. I think it's a good way to start things off, being friends first. I don't think I've ever been friends with a girl before you. We always went straight to dating. I never put any effort into really getting to know them. I wish I could say that's why none of my other relationships worked out but that just isn't true. They didn't work out because they weren't you."

  "My only relationship was with Sam. So I don't have much to compare it to but I will say it was nothing like what we have." I look up to see Vince struggling with something. He seems to be contemplating whether or not to say what he seems to be thinking about.

  "Can I ask you something?"

  "Sure."

  "Do you think that you would be with Sam now if you could? I mean, I don't know why you broke up but I'm assuming it had something to do with your mother. I guess I've just been wondering if you think you made a mistake. Now that you're free of her that you might want to give it another try with him."

  "Oh Vincent. Please don't ever think that. Don't ever doubt that I want to be with YOU. Not Sam. He wasn't right for me. I knew that after the one and only time we slept together. I gave him something precious and he treated me like I owed it to him. That's what broke us up. He made me realize there are a thousand things more important in life than sex. That's why I want to take things slow with us. I know the impact of sleeping together and how much it can change things. I hope you understand. Sam didn't know the person you see in front of you now. He knew the person I was pretending to be for my mother. What we have is more real than anything I had with Sam. Does that make sense?"

  "Yes. I'm glad you trust me enough to share intimate details about your past with Sam. It takes guts to admit your mistakes. I've had sex before but it never meant anything. It always felt hallow. Maybe because I never really cared about the girls I slept with. Don't get me wrong, there wasn't a lot. But we all make mistakes."

  It's so easy to talk to Vince. To open up to him. I've never felt judged by him. Not once. We finish our dinner and head to his mother's house. I can't wait to see her reaction.

  Vince and I walk hand in hand up the front porch knocking loudly. His mother throws open the door grinning from ear to ear. She seems so happy to see us. Both of us.

  "Come in, come in. Maggie it's so good to see you!" We sit down on the couch waiting for his mother to shut the door. I don't see Joey so he must be at Keri's house.

  "Mom, I got my test results. I passed. I'm officially a high school graduate." His mom comes running over to Vince so fast I could've blinked and missed it. He stands up quickly so I don't get smothered by his enthusiastic mother.

  "Oh Vincent. I'm so proud of you! Your father i
s looking down from Heaven right now smiling. He always knew you had the potential to do great things. Let's celebrate! How about I make you some dinner?"

  "Actually, Maggie already took me out for dinner. Her treat!" I look down to the ground feeling ashamed. I should have brought him right to his mother. Of course she would want to celebrate with him. That was really selfish. If this was my mother I would already be on the ground.

  "That was very nice of Maggie. Well, how about dessert?" She doesn't sound mad at all. I take a chance by looking up quickly but all I see is her warm smile. I immediately start to feel better.

  "Dessert sounds wonderful Martina. I'm so sorry we didn't think to come here first."

  "Don't be silly. You kids have every right to enjoy some time alone. I'm just happy Vince has someone to share his good news with."

  My mother never would have said anything even remotely close to what Martina just said. We head into the kitchen and enjoy some ice cream with chocolate syrup. We laugh, talk and share stories. Of course most of mine are about school since I don't really have any about my mom. Not that I want to share anyway. But as I start to get more comfortable I begin to open up about my father.

  "My dad was a police officer. He had the most integrity of anyone I've ever known. His instincts were never wrong. Well, almost never. He could read people so easily. That's why I know he would have loved both of you. I'd like to think I inherited some of those traits. I miss him so much."

  "I miss my Javier too. It just isn't the same without him around. I can't imagine what it was like growing up without your father. It breaks my heart that my boys don't have their father anymore."

  "Mom, it hurts me more than anything that you lost the love of your life. I'm just glad that I can be here for you. Support you anyway that you need."

  That's when it hits me. Like really hits me. Vince feels responsible for his mother's happiness. I knew he was angry about losing his dad but I thought it had more to do with his loss than his mother's. Now I can see her pain through his eyes. It's heartbreaking. I understand why he doesn't want to leave.

  The love I see between the two of them is almost indescribable. It reminds me so much of the way my father used to look at me. He really did love me. I'm glad he was in my life. Even if it was just for a short time. So I get why Vince doesn't think he can go. I really do.

  The next few weeks are the best in my life. I spend Christmas at Martina's house being spoiled with all of my favorite foods. We decided to do secret Santa to keep things fair. I got Joey, Martina got Keri, Joey got his mom and Keri pulled my name. I thought it was funny that Tommy and Vince got each other but Vince wasn't happy at all. He wanted to get me something special but I refused to let him spend some ridiculous amount of money on a gift. That isn't what Christmas is about. It's about spending it with the people you love.

  It was the best Christmas since losing my father. My mother wasn't much on holidays and since it was always just the two of us we didn't do much to celebrate. But this, right here with Vince and his family, this feels like what it's supposed to be about. They always say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. Well I'm choosing to make them all my family.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Life goes on. Time passes by without us noticing. I can't believe graduation is right around the corner. Vince and I have been together for six months but it only feels like weeks. I still can't believe how connected we are to each other. We are so in sync, we rarely miss a beat. Things have been heating up in the bedroom and I think I might be ready to take the next step with him. We keep pushing the limits every time he stays over. Which is almost every Friday and Saturday night. We would stay at his place but Amanda and Tommy are usually there. Yep. They are officially a couple. I'm happy for them. I really am. I just wish they didn't have to be so public with their affection. It's like watching two love sick puppies. Ugh.

  I am so proud of Vince. His business has really taken off. All the hard work we put into the marketing packages really paid off. All of his clients loved his ideas. He has been able to expand his business enough to hire Tommy full-time. They make a really great team and I can't wait to see where they take things.

  Amanda really worked her butt off too. She managed to pull her grades up to a low B average. I'm so excited for the next chapter in her life. Mine too. College bound. I've tried several times to bring up the idea to Vince but he refuses to consider the possibility. When I got my acceptance letters to 4 of the 5 schools I applied to I could see the disappointment in his eyes. He would never admit this to me but I know he is dreading the moment I have to leave. Which makes my decision that much harder. I don't want to leave him either. I started looking into the community colleges in our area in hopes that if I stay here two more years it would be enough time to convince him to go with me. But right now I'm just focused on graduation.

  Martina already told me that we will be having a huge celebration at her house. She has invited my Grandfather, Amanda and her parents, Tommy and Keri. I'm really looking forward to it. We are celebrating all three graduates. Myself, Amanda and Vince. I loved the idea from the moment I heard about it. In just two short weeks I will be a high school graduate.

  I haven't seen or heard from my mother in all this time so it surprised me when she showed up at my door. I didn't even think she knew where I lived.

  "Mom? What are you doing here?"

  "Hello Maggie. Aren't you going to invite me in? Or have you forgotten all your manners?"

  "No Ma'am. Please, come in. I'm just surprised to see you. We haven't spoken since I moved out."

  "Yes, well about that. I want to resolve that. That's why I'm here. Things haven't been easy for me since you left. I haven't been able to find a job and now I'm being evicted from the house. I can't pay my bills and it's all because of you. I want you to move back home. You owe me that much."

  I'm shocked. I can't believe she actually thinks I owe her anything. I'm standing in my living room looking at the woman who tortured me for years. The hardest thing I ever did was move out of that house. There is no way in hell I will ever go back.

  "I'm sorry for your troubles. But I can't move back in. I will be leaving for college soon."

  "Really. You? I didn't think you had it in you. I guess your generous Grandfather will be flipping the bill for that, won't he?"

  "That's none of your business." I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my body as I speak the words. My body starts reacting like it always has when she gets too close. My heart is pounding, a thin sheen of sweat is forming over my entire body and I'm motionless. But then something happens. Something unexpected.

  "What did you just say to me?"

  "I think you heard me. I really am sorry about your situation but you did it to yourself. If you had shown me even one ounce of affection instead of abusing me you might not be in the situation you're in."

  What happens next feels like an out of body experience. She raises her hand to strike my face but instead it just stopped. Just like that. In mid-air. Once I snap back to reality I see my hand wrapped tightly around her wrist. I feel empowered. I'm no longer the weak little girl terrified of her mother. I'm stronger than this. I always have been but now I have the courage to stand up for myself.

  "Don't you ever lay a hand on me again. Ever!" I look her straight in the eye so she can see my determination. I don't look to the ground in shame. Not anymore. It feels like time is standing still. Like we are frozen in this moment. Neither of us backing down. That's when I hear the front door open.

  "Maggie, what's going on?" I slowly release my mother's arm never breaking eye contact.

  "Nothing. My mother was just leaving." Vincent storms over to us and gets right in her face.

  "You are the worst kind of human being. To treat your own daughter the way you did is despicable. If you had ever taken the chance to really know her you would have seen all of her talents. All the gifts she brings to this world. But instead you wasted the t
ime you had with her. And now it's over. If you ever come back here for anything other than to apologize, I will call the police myself."

  "Who do you think you are speaking to me that way? You don't know a damn thing about my daughter. Just wait until you see the real monster under the deceptive front she puts on. She isn't the sweet, innocent creature she likes to portray. Just you wait and see."

  "Get out before I throw you out!" Vincent's entire face has turned red. I think he's going to lose it. My mother finally sees the anger building in his face. She turns to leave but not before spewing more lies.

  "Good luck. This one is as loose as they come. But I'm sure you've already figured that out."

  Those are the last words I hear out of her mouth. God, she is evil. Sometimes I really wonder if she's possessed. I slam the door out of frustration. I hate that I let her get to me.

  "Maggie, are you alright?"

  "Yes. I'm fine. I finally stood up to her. I stopped her hand from slapping me in the face. I'm really proud of myself. She doesn't have a hold on me anymore."

  "I'm just glad you're okay. That woman is vial. I don't know how you survived all this time."

  "I don't want to think about it. It's done and over with. Let's move past this. Hopefully she won't bother me again. I do wish she would get help though. For her own benefit."

  "I know. But we both know you can't force her." I filled Vince in on my mother's mental health issues. He wasn't as understanding as me. He didn't care what caused her to be the person she is because nothing will ever make what she did to me alright. I see his point. But I also love that woman. No matter what she did to me. She's still my mother and I will always love her. Forgiving her is an entirely different story.

  "Maybe we should celebrate your victory? It's a big deal. Standing up to her like you did. I'm really proud of you."

  "I really just want to forget about it. Although, it did feel pretty damn amazing grabbing her arm like that and saying no. I told her to never put her hands on me again. It was like a surge of confidence flowing through every part of my body. I didn't think I had it in me."