The Butterfly State

by Carol Coffey

  Tess screamed with excitement. She had passed all of her exams and her group were going out to a hotel in Knockbeg for dinner. Kate knew better than to express any concern and made sure someone in the group was responsible for Tess during the evening, her friend Peggy agreeing to collect her and drop her home at the end of the night.

  When Peggy arrived she assured Kate that she had gone through all of this worry with her own daughters who were now married with daughters of their own. Kate wondered if Peggy thought she was Tess’s mother and felt slightly irritated by the large jolly woman. Kate knew that people thought she was overreacting in her concern for Tess. She knew that no one understood her worries, no one except Dermot who seemed to understand her younger sister well.

  Rather than eat alone, she had invited Dermot for dinner after she put Ben to bed. When the meal was underway, Kate ran herself a bath. She stood naked, looking at herself in the mirror that had been broken as long as she could remember. She didn’t have a bad figure. She admired herself briefly before lowering herself into the warm water. It was hard to know where the years had gone since her mother died. Somehow her life seemed to end then and was replaced with an existence which involved caring for almost every member of her family except herself. Kate made an effort to soften her mood; she didn’t want to be in bad form when Dermot arrived. Things weren’t so bad. Ben was improving and the health service had even offered her weekend respite where they would take Ben into one of their houses to give her a break, but so far she hadn’t availed of it. She didn’t feel ready for anyone else to care for Ben. Tess, too, was making progress. Kate was amazed that she wanted to go on the night out without knowing what was on the menu and half expected a phone call asking her to come and collect her distraught sister. She worried about this as she knew it would set Tess back months.

  She had ironed a dress she hoped Dermot had not seen her wear before and placed her good underwear out on the bed, blushing slightly as she had no intention of Dermot seeing her underwear, good or bad. When she was ready she looked approvingly at herself. Her dress was a deep red that complemented her dark hair. She put on some lipstick and stood staring at the woman in the mirror.

  When Dermot arrived he took Kate by surprise by kissing her at the door. She blushed slightly which made her feel like a silly teenager and not the elegant woman she had seen in the mirror only minutes before. She found herself looking behind Dermot and into the yard, as though Seán would appear and ruin her night. They ate slowly, Dermot complimenting her cooking and Kate laughing at how silly this “date” was as she had cooked his meals for months now, albeit less fancy ones. Dermot had brought a bottle of sherry, unsure if Kate drank. She didn’t and neither did he but neither wanted to offend and each had a large glass of the sickly sweet brown liquid that made them both a little tipsy. After dinner Kate cut slices of cake for them both and they sat on the floor beside the fire in the seldom-used sitting room and talked about their lives, Kate leaving out many events that were still too painful to discuss. They talked about their individual dreams, or at least Dermot did, for Kate had long since abandoned hers. Dermot told her about his plan to buy his own farm, about the falling out with his father. She was the first person in Árd Glen he had told this to and the significance of this was not lost on him. They talked about their families and Kate’s hope that Seán would recover and run the farm as he had done as a younger man. There weren’t any of the long, awkward silences that Kate had been dreading and they sat talking until both of them fell into a comfortable silence and looked peacefully into the flickering fire. After some time, Dermot reached over and kissed her on the forehead, then the neck, his hands caressing her shoulders. She shuddered at his touch and when he whispered, “Is this okay?” she nodded, too scared to speak. After they kissed passionately for what seemed like an eternity, Dermot stopped and looked lovingly at her. He moved her around to face away from him and pulled her body against his, covering her bare arms with his as they rested there, taking long, even breaths in harmony with each other.

  At last Kate turned to look at him, a look that said: “It’s okay, I’m ready.” His eyes searched hers. He stood and helped her to her feet. They kissed again and walked arm in arm down the hallway to her room, closing the door behind them.

  After three unmerciful days of the silent treatment, Mona Moran was finally talking to her husband. She had tried to find out what he had done to receive such a beating and felt that his refusal to go to the police meant it must have been something illegal or at least underhand. She worried that it might be an aggrieved husband as she suspected her husband had been unfaithful to her over the years – though she had no evidence of this and preferred not to think about it. She worried that Sam had got himself caught up in something and wondered if she should speak to her father about it. He knew people in lots of high places. She only agreed not to when Sam pleaded with her to drop it for all their sakes. This really worried her, as she had never seen her tough Dublin husband frightened before, and she finally agreed to let the subject drop providing that he never came home looking like that again.

  The following Saturday, Sam knew it would be a good day to observe Rabbit Flanagan from a distance in the busy market street. He made an excuse that the whole family needed a day out in Dublin and that it would be nice to call into his younger sister Abby while they were in the area. Sam knew that Mona hated Abby and that the feeling was mutual, his upper-crust wife never having taken to his “salt of the earth” sister. The day was cold but the sun shone in a clear blue sky. A brass band was playing as they made their way down Henry Street. Sam hoped the band would be turning right down Moore Street where he could hide behind them and get a good clandestine look at his friend Rabbit. He felt bad that he had dragged him into this mess and was worried that they might have roughed him up or worse. He wanted to make sure his old friend was okay.

  Sam was disappointed when the band kept going straight towards Mary Street and he had to make his way down Moore Street without their cover.

  He left Mona and his two daughters looking in clothes shops and walked on with his young son by the hand. At the end of the street he could see the back of Rabbit’s unmistakable wild red hair. Sam walked on, careful to stay well out of sight behind the throngs of Saturday shoppers. When his spoiled youngest child kept whimpering for an ice cream, he squeezed the boy’s hand tightly to quieten him, promising him one when they got back to O’Connell Street and pressing some coins into his other hand. They were now quite close to Rabbit’s “stall” which was made from the base of a pram and stacked high with packets of toilet rolls and washing powder. Sam could see that Rabbit was trying to sell illegal bangers for Halloween to some teenage boys who were brave enough to haggle with him, the bangers hidden in the pram out of sight of the police. Sam didn’t know how his friend made a living this way. Street trading was in both their blood but Sam hated it. He was the type of man who needed a regular pay packet.

  Sam could still hear the band play in the distance and the occasional call of the traders “Get yer oringis ’n’ apples!” as he moved closer, carefully searching the crowd even though he felt a little silly. What would the Provos be doing here on Saturday – stocking up on bananas? Still, someone had seen him talking to Rabbit that day and he knew McCracken could have got someone to follow him from his office.

  Then Sam cringed as he got a side view of his friend’s bruised face and cut lip. He moved closer to his friend’s stall as his son squirmed and moaned, trying desperately to loosen Sam’s grip on his small hand. Sam held tighter as the boy pulled away, yelling that he would tell his mammy. When Sam loosened his grip his son fell sideways onto the ground, his ice cream money falling everywhere on the busy path. He started to shout and scream at Sam who put his hand over the boy’s mouth to quieten him while simultaneously looking over his shoulder toward where Rabbit stood less than ten yards away. He saw that his friend was looking through the crowd and directly at him. Sam gasped at Rabbit’s half-
missing right ear. There was a long jagged gash from his jaw line ending millimetres from his throat. It was only a flesh wound but someone had wanted to frighten his friend badly. Rabbit stood and looked for a brief moment at his friend, his eyes giving nothing away, no expression, no emotion. He blinked briefly and lowered his head before turning back to his stall.

  Sam turned and pretended to look into a shop window while he gathered his thoughts. His stomach churned and he could feel tears springing to his eyes. He wanted to tell Rabbit that he was sorry but knew that his friend was signalling to him to go away. After a minute he began to walk back in the direction of Henry Street, hauling his protesting son after him by the hand, hoping that some day, when it was safer, he could make it up to his friend. But today was definitely not that day.

  Chapter 31

  1974

  Two months after Leroy returned to the institution, Tess sat silently in Dr Cosgrove’s office for her weekly session, her mouth moving slowly as though she was about to speak. Tess spoke less and less these days and Cosgrove watched her closely, knowing she was about to launch into one of her rare questions and relieved for the distraction because he did not want to tell her that, despite four letters to her siblings, he’d had no contact from them. He didn’t want to upset her and knew that she was trying hard to follow the hospital rules.

  Tess had spent a lot of time thinking about the lake since Leroy’s fight and had tried hard to remember herself hitting her father on the head the way Leroy had hit that boy but no matter how hard she tried, the only thing she could remember was seeing him at the water’s edge. She didn’t remember how the blood got on her dress. She knew it was a secret but could not remember why and it frightened her to think about it. For some reason she could not understand, she always put her hand into her mouth to feel her front teeth when she thought about the blood on her dress. It made no sense to her. She didn’t want her daddy to die even though he drank the farm money and was not kind to Seán. She wished she could remember hitting him so that she could apologise and go home. So much time had passed since she came to the hospital that she wondered if she should apologise anyway and get back to her normal life. She decided she would ask Dr Cosgrove today.

  “Can I ask a question?”

  “Yes, Tess.”

  “If I say I’m sorry for hitting Daddy, can I go home?”

  Cosgrove, who had been sitting lazily in his large leather chair suddenly sat bolt upright, hardly able to believe what he had just heard.

  “Did – did you hit your dad, Tess? Is that what you’re saying to me?”

  “No. I don’t think so.”

  “Then what do you mean, Tess?”

  “You have to apologise for bad things so people won’t be angry with you any more. Mark had to apologise for annoying Leroy and Leroy had to apologise for hitting Mark and now they are not angry with each other. I don’t want Kate to be angry with me any more so I am going to say I am sorry.”

  Cosgrove studied Tess carefully. He was unsure of the correct approach to take and thought carefully about his response.

  “Tess, you don’t like when people lie, do you?”

  “No.”

  “If you apologised for hitting your dad, would you be lying?”

  “Yes, but I want to go home. I can be sorry for lying as well.”

  Cosgrove cleared his throat. He knew that Tess was ready to go home. He needed to speak with her siblings directly to find out why they didn’t respond to his letters. He felt that it was wrong to keep her here but without alternative accommodation he had no choice but to leave her where she was.

  “Tess, I think you should stay here for another while, just until your family are ready for you to return. You have exams, don’t you? You don’t want to leave without getting your certificate, do you?”

  Tess thought about this, her head moving slowly from side to side. “No.”

  “Then will you stay here a while longer and let me see what I can arrange?”

  “How much time longer?” she asked innocently.

  Cosgrove swallowed hard. He had built up a trusting relationship with Tess and did not want to lie to her.

  “I’m not sure, Tess. That’s the honest answer. But I will talk to you about it after your exams. Is that okay?”

  Tess stared hard over Cosgrove’s shoulder and focused on the light green paint on either side of his window.

  “That’s okay,” she said flatly, unsure what exactly she had agreed to.

  Chapter 32

  1981

  Sam Moran made himself his fourth coffee of the morning and stood at his untidy desk looking out onto the yard where he had been attacked only two weeks previously. His ribs still hurt when he coughed which was bad luck as he also had a chest infection and this meant he was coughing nearly all the time and sat slightly hunched over his desk. The bruise under his eye was almost gone which is more than he could say for poor Rabbit who had obviously got a much worse going-over than he had. He didn’t think Rabbit had told them where he lived – McCracken could’ve got that information himself as Sam had told him the name of the newspaper he worked for and he knew that someone had been following him for a few days before he was beaten up outside the office.

  Sam considered forgetting about the story but couldn’t understand how McCracken fit into the picture and found himself intrigued. He did not want to let bullying tactics get the better of him. If he was to really get into proper reporting, he couldn’t let a couple of threats get in his way. Moran wondered how a small farmer in Wicklow with no known police record could have any connection with the IRA and also wondered what connection McCracken had with Árd Glen. Someone out there had the answers and if Sam didn’t ask the questions, another reporter might do it for him and snatch what could be his big break from under him. He was worried though, not about himself but about the subtle threat to his family. He returned to his desk and flinched with pain as he sat down, and wondered if this was a reminder to keep his thoughts to himself.

  By the time Tess returned from her night out, Kate had already risen from the bed she had shared with Dermot and was sitting in the kitchen beside the range as though nothing was different, as though she wasn’t any different. She had said goodnight to him at the back door and they had stood drinking each other in, trying to memorise the night as though it might be their last. She wished she could tell Tess about the night like sisters often do but she needed, at least for now, to keep this to herself. Also she didn’t feel it was appropriate to tell Tess who, despite being twenty-one, probably knew very little about men.

  Kate didn’t feel ashamed. She didn’t regret it. She doubted she ever would, regardless of what came of their relationship. At eleven thirty Peggy woke Kate from her dreamlike state when she burst in the back door, talking excitedly about how Tess had not eaten a thing. Tess stood silently beside her noisy friend but appeared to be smiling, albeit nervously. Kate watched her carefully, looking for signs of distress, but there were none.

  Instead, when Peggy left, Tess went to the fridge and greedily ate Kate and Dermot’s leftover cake. When she finished eating, Tess looked at her sister and cocked her head to one side as she always did before asking a question.

  “Kate, are you sick?”

  “No,” Kate replied, frowning slightly, unsure what her sister meant. “Why do you ask?”

  “Your face is different, Kate. It looks hot,” Tess looked closely at her sister before returning to the fridge for more food.

  Kate smiled to herself. She felt different. She felt happy. She felt enthusiastic for the future and, what was even better, her sister seemed, for once, to notice.

  Chapter 33

  1974

  Kate sat quietly in the kitchen, her hands clasped tightly on her lap, as Seán read the letter that had arrived in the post that morning.

  “Well?” she asked as her brother put the letter back into its envelope and threw it onto the kitchen table

  “Well, what?” Seán aske
d sharply.

  “Well, what should we say? Do you think it’d be all right for her to come home now? They say she’s much better now.” She noticed the slight nervousness in her own voice and wondered how her brother had come to have this effect on her.

  Seán glared at his sister. He knew she wanted to bring the girl home, he knew she missed her and was so upset that she could not even bear to see her in the institution. The poor fool had travelled to Dublin twice and had only got as far as the front door of the hospital on both occasions. In the beginning Seán, like Kate, had been upset to think of Tess there, away from them and frightened, but that was before he knew that Tess owned the farm he thought was his, the house he lived in and even the chair he sat in. Seán’s feelings for his younger sister were gradually replaced by resentment and he didn’t want her in the house even one day before he had to.

  He rubbed his hands together and looked out towards the back yard, waiting for his hangover to ease before he tended the stock. He ran his hands over his unshaven face. His knew his hair was dishevelled and his eyes bloodshot from his nightly visits to the pub. He was in no mood for Kate’s nagging.

  “I’m saying no, Kate, not yet,” he said loudly, hoping to make his sister nervous as he knew she hated to fight with him.

  “But, Seán – it’s –”