The Butterfly State

by Carol Coffey

  “No, Kate, and that’s final.”

  “Why Seán? What have you got against her? She’s just a child.” Tears welled in her eyes and she lowered her voice slightly in case she started Ben off.

  “She’s grand where she is, Kate. They’re taking care of her. Needs help after what she did.”

  “But they said she’s –”

  “Enough, Kate!” Seán roared before opening the back door and banging it behind him, causing Ben to stiffen in his chair and start to cry.

  Kate looked at the letter from Dr Cosgrove and wondered what he thought of them, what he thought of her. Maybe she would write to him and explain things, explain the situation with Seán.

  She sat back down in her chair beside the fire, having successfully calmed Ben, and cried silently over the dying flames.

  Chapter 34

  1976

  Two more years passed and Tess adapted to and accepted life at the institution. She no longer expected her family to return for her but had calculated that if they did, her good behaviour of not biting had brought her three thousand, one hundred and sixty-eight steps closer to home. Tess wasn’t sure how close to home this would have brought her as no one could tell her how many steps it was to Árd Glen from here, not even Leroy whose mother had not come back for him and who had become her very best friend.

  Dr Cosgrove had asked her how she would feel going into what he called a foster home but she had screamed and he never talked about it again. He had told her that her sister and brother had a lot of work to do with her younger brother and the farm but that they hadn’t forgotten her and were looking forward to seeing her when they had more time. Tess knew this was a lie and made Dr Cosgrove apologise for it. She had learnt to apologise herself now but sometimes got confused and found herself saying she was sorry to children who called her names. She was trying to be as normal as she could and now spoke occasionally and answered questions when she understood them.

  She spent her days at her lessons and had passed her Intermediate Certificate exam, the teacher informing her that in two more years she could sit her Leaving Certificate exam. In the evening she continued to draw, the nurses and orderlies often buying her paper and paint from their own money.

  Leroy told her that they would have to move to another place when they were eighteen as the hospital was only for children. This terrified Tess and she worked even harder at being good, just in case Kate was no longer angry with her and would let her come home. Even though she could remember the fields and the house very well, her memory of Kate’s face was beginning to fade and Seán’s too. When she thought of Ben he was always screaming so she tried to get him out of her mind quickly.

  As well as her paintings of the lake, Tess started to draw the house as often as she could from memory. She began to have nightmares that she was alone on a country road, counting steps as she walked but getting no nearer to her house. She didn’t recognise any of the landmarks and the mountains were not the same as the ones near her home. There was no lake to be seen and she couldn’t remember what her house looked like. She would start calling out Kate’s name which always woke her up, leaving her afraid to return to sleep. On these nights she would get up and draw the house over and over again in the dark room, humming and rocking and looking forward to the morning.

  Chapter 35

  1981

  When Kate returned to the hospital to visit her brother, she found Seán sitting in a small lounge room with a group of men from his ward which pleased her as Seán had always been shy and had never been good at socialising. Even when her brother went to the pub, he usually drank alone, only talking to others who spoke to him first. Still, she knew that this was probably because he had more in common with these men who, he informed her, all had drink problems. Most of the men’s marriages had broken down, with some families refusing to visit.

  Seán hugged his sister awkwardly and avoided making eye contact with her. He asked how things were going for her and seemed to be showing more interest in her life than he ever did which unnerved her a little as there was no way that he could know about what had developed between Dermot and herself. Kate filled him in on developments at the farm, how Dermot was doing more hours than they paid him for. She told him about Ben and his new-found independence. He was now able to give Kate a sign when he wanted a drink or something to eat which Nurse O’Connell had taught Kate to understand. He even signed when he was tired and wanted to go to bed which had put an end to his usual half hour of screaming each evening. Kate didn’t mention Tess or her work experience, knowing Seán had no interest in poor Tess’s progress. This saddened Kate as nothing that had happened to Seán was Tess’s fault. Tess was, after all, their mother’s child, the same as Ben was, but Kate knew Seán’s ill feeling towards Tess was more about the farm than anything else.

  After a few minutes Kate ran out of news, and began to tell him even about elderly neighbours who had died, the kind of thing he normally showed no interest in.

  He looked away from her and gazed out of the tall window on the opposite side of the ward. As he sat in his chair he tapped his foot nervously on the grey linoleum and then she realised he had something to say, something he found hard, and she decided to break the silence.

  “What’s wrong, Seán?”

  Seán thought for a moment and took a long deep breath before looking down at his slippered feet.

  “I might be going home soon, in a couple of weeks, I think.”

  Kate smiled. Her brother’s speech didn’t seem so slurred since he had come into hospital. “Well, that’s great, Seán. You must be delighted.”

  “Yeah, I am,” he replied, beginning to tap his foot on the floor again. “I – em – I know I caused you a lot of worry, Kate. They have meetings here, we sit around and talk about – the drinking.” He reached out and held her arm gently. “Anyway, I know now how hard it was for you. I hurt you and the family. I ruined your life.”

  “What do you mean?” Kate asked, pulling her arm away from him.

  “The drinking, Kate, spending money we didn’t have. Even though Michael Byrne wasn’t our father, I turned out exactly like him. I even . . .” He started to cry and closed his eyes, trying to stop his tears.

  Kate had not seen her brother cry since he was a little boy. “What, Seán?”

  “I even – hit you. I’m sorry, Kate, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I hit you – not after – not after how he hurt Mammy. What happened to me?”

  Kate dug her nails into her thigh. She didn’t want to cry. She knew that if she did he would clam up and change the subject. She needed to hear what he had to say. It was important for both of them. Important because only when the air had been cleared between them could they begin to move on and try to rebuild the life they’d had before. She took a breath and waited. He was crying loudly now. Two men who had been lying on their beds reading stood up and left the ward. Others, too sick to move or care, stayed put and Seán seemed oblivious to their presence. Kate stood and wrapped her arms around her brother, hugging him close and shushing him as though he were a small boy.

  “It’s okay, Seán, you were sick and now you’re better. You’re going to get completely better now.” Kate didn’t know what else to say. She knew his liver damage was permanent and that he needed to stop drinking completely to see any sort of a normal life span.

  Seán cleared his throat. He had more to say. “Kate, what I’m asking is – is it okay for me to come home?” He started to cry again, tears and snot running down his blue striped pyjamas, a wreck of a man.

  Kate began to cry, unable to hold back the tears. “Of course, Seán! Of course you can come home. Why did you think anything else?”

  She knelt on the floor beside her brother and he flung his arms around her. They stayed there, brother and sister, wrapped around each other, crying and laughing, drying tears, erasing memories, Kate forgiving and looking forward to a fresh start. Seán looked down the long ward which had eleven beds on each sid
e, all occupied by drunks like himself, most with nowhere to go. Some of the men were well enough to leave but were waiting on the hospital to find them a hostel or homeless shelter to live in. It had scared him. If he had owned the farm, he would have come home anyway and thrown Kate out if she didn’t like it. But the truth was he was a drunk with nothing to his name. He needed Kate on his side. He really did plan to stop drinking. The older men here, some too far gone for help, had worried him. He didn’t want to live like them, to die like them and vowed never to take a drink again.

  As she paced the hall, anxiously talking to herself in hushed, secretive tones, Tess referred to her list of “What could go wrong and what to do next”.

  It was her first day of work experience. Even though Dermot would go with them, Kate was driving as he insisted she needed all the practice she could get. Kate didn’t think it was the best morning to start as they were already running late. She was under pressure to get Tess there on time and felt that one anxious woman was enough on the journey. She could never understand how these lists of Tess’s made her feel calmer.

  By the time they pulled up outside Marshall’s Art and Craft Centre, Dermot almost had to restrain Kate from going into the neat, posh-looking gallery to meet the manager. Tess had already met Marcus Gill and hadn’t liked him and Kate worried that her vulnerable sister might not be treated well. Dermot stood outside the truck and spoke quietly to Tess, calming her. The scene made Kate slightly emotional. She saw how gently Dermot treated Tess and how he cared for her. It made Kate happy as, if things did work out between herself and Dermot, Tess would always be with them and she hoped that Dermot would accept this. Kate watched from the truck as Dermot hugged Tess loosely, knowing she would raise up her shoulders and squirm when touched. Tess smiled at him and waved to Kate before walking confidently into the shop. Kate had no idea what Dermot had said to her and didn’t ask but it had worked.

  Kate was beginning to relax about Tess when the phone rang. A woman introduced herself quickly as the receptionist at Marshall’s Art Centre. Kate’s heart skipped a beat as the panicked woman asked her to come immediately and collect Teresa. There was an incident and the manager urgently wanted her calmed down. Kate could hear Tess screaming and was torn between driving there as fast as she could and trying to speak to her on the phone. Then she judged by the pitch of Tess’s screaming that she had better go to her. She had expected incidents like this to occur in the training centre and, when they hadn’t, she’d wondered if Tess had grown out of her outbursts.

  Dermot was not around and Kate trembled as she put the keys in the ignition, glad she had driven to the gallery that morning as it gave her some courage. Glenmire was a large, busy town full of fashionable boutiques and restaurants. Kate rarely had any reason to go there. Everything she needed, which wasn’t much, could be bought locally.

  The drive seemed to take an eternity, during which Kate’s mind raced with thoughts of what might have happened. She hoped it was something simple like someone touched Tess’s lunch or used the cup she had brought specially with her. By the time she arrived, Tess was standing in the middle of the gallery, shaking and sobbing. The few customers who had stayed stood staring at Tess. The manager stood against a wall, both hands to his face. Kate looked at him and worried that he was injured, that Tess had attacked him but, when he lowered his hands, she realised he was simply at his wits’ end. When Kate approached Tess, she flung herself at her, screaming to go home. Kate smoothed Tess’s hair which their mother used to do to calm her. The receptionist helped Kate get Tess into the truck with Kate promising to phone later to find out what had happened.

  The two drove home in silence with Tess sitting for the entire journey with her hands covering her face, her fingers split open enough to look through them. When they arrived back at the farm Kate helped Tess into bed. She thought she would have to give her one of the tablets the hospital had given her when she was discharged but she fell asleep immediately and slept soundly for four hours while Kate sat rigid in the kitchen. From the look of the staff at the gallery, Kate doubted anyone did anything to her sister. No doubt Tess had simply had difficulty with the change of environment. She should have stuck to her instincts not to let Tess go there.

  Kate felt exhausted. It was always going to be like this with her sister. How could she expect to live a normal life when everyday changes caused such a violent reaction? She would call Nurse O’Connell and tell her what had happened. Maybe Tess could finish her work experience in a local shop or something, somewhere people knew her and she knew exactly what to expect.

  When Tess finally rose, the bus had just pulled up with Ben and Kate knew she would not have a chance to ask her sister what had gone wrong until she put him to bed later that evening.

  Tess looked ashamed and stood briefly in the kitchen, returning quickly to her room before her brother, who she could hear screaming from the bus, came in.

  Tess walked gingerly into the kitchen when she heard Kate putting Ben to bed for the night. She had stayed in her room all evening, knowing Kate was upset with her. She was starving and quickly ate her dinner which had been kept warm in the range. She did not want to fight with Kate and wished she hadn’t behaved as she did in the work experience. They would never have her back now and she felt as though she had failed. She had managed to get through her training programme and, even though she knew she had upset a few of her classmates, they had forgiven her and she had made a list of the things that upset them so she wouldn’t say them to anyone else ever again. Tess knew that Nurse O’Connell had smoothed things over on more than one occasion at the training centre but it had never been as bad as today and she believed that even Deirdre couldn’t fix this.

  When she had arrived at her work experience, people were friendly. Ann, the receptionist, offered to hang up her coat and had frowned at Tess when she refused. Tess had lost a good coat as a child and she didn’t want it to happen again. Tess did not like the manager who she felt spoke like a girl but she did not see much of him that day and he did not speak directly to her even once. A girl named Siobhán was supposed to be showing her around but spent the morning talking to someone named Mike on the phone and Tess did not know what she should be doing. She was worried that customers might be trying to get through and the shop would lose business unless Siobhán got off the phone. Besides, Tess had practised saying “Good morning, Marshall’s Art and Craft Centre, how may I help you?” with Deirdre and Peggy for hours. The small switchboard was exactly the same as the one she had trained on and now she wasn’t going to get a chance to do it. No one told her where the toilets were and she didn’t want to ask. She needed to go badly but still behaved herself and did what Dermot had told her to do. By the time she had drunk tea from her own cup, she was beginning to wet her underwear and began to cry. Ann helped her and showed her where the bathroom was and Tess felt all right then. When Ann brought Tess back to her work station, Siobhán told her off for going missing and said she should have gone to the toilet on her break. Siobhán picked Tess’s cup up and asked what was wrong with the cups there – did she think they had a disease or something? When Tess began to sob Siobhán went for Ann, saying loudly, “How am I going to put up with her until six o clock?” and this was why she became upset. Deirdre had told her she would finish at five o’clock and Kate would be returning for her then. Kate wouldn’t know that she had to stay in the gallery until six and might drive off thinking she was lost and she might never find her way home. Tess felt that she couldn’t breathe and began to scream. No one could calm her down even though people tried. Ann tried to hug her which made her scream louder as Ann was a stranger and you shouldn’t let strangers touch you. She heard the manager with the girl’s voice tell someone to ring the police and she screamed harder because the last time someone phoned the police they had sent her away and she didn’t see Kate for years. She started to scream for Kate and she heard Ann insisting they ring Kate and not the police.

  Tess recounte
d all of this to Kate beside the fire. Kate’s heart broke but she put on a brave face for her sister. She felt that it wasn’t worth putting Tess through all of this for her to have a “normal” life because what was “normal” anyway? Kate’s life? Seán’s? There was no such thing as a normal life. Tess would be fine here with her. She could help around the place but there would be no more training or work outside for Tess. It was too hard on her and Kate was going to make sure she protected her vulnerable sister from now on.

  The two sisters settled into their usual evening routine. Tess was quieter than usual as they sat beside the fire watching television.

  Later, she seemed to have recovered from her ordeal and Kate smiled as she gave her usual “I have a question” expression.

  “Kate, do you like Dermot?”

  Kate threw her head back and laughed quietly. “Yes, Tess, I do like him. Are ye satisfied, little Miss Matchmaker?”

  “I mean, Kate, like you liked – em –” Tess knew mentioning Noel Moore upset her sister.

  “Like what, Tess?” Kate asked smiling. She was enjoying this conversation as she had no one to tell about her relationship with Dermot. If you could call it a relationship since they didn’t spend much time together.

  “Like . . . like Noel?”

  Kate gazed at her sister who looked nervous. “Tess, I like him even better than Noel, how’s that?”

  Tess simply nodded and smiled, feeling she understood.

  The two fell silent beside the fire, Kate thinking of a life with Dermot, away from this farm and the hardship it had brought her while her sister dreamt of Dermot marrying Kate and running the farm and then there would be no need for Seán to stay here fighting and shouting. Finally, her list was beginning to work.

  Sam Moran had reached a dead end. Despite spending hours looking through old microfilms at the larger newspapers, none of the articles on Byrne’s death made any reference to Republican ties. He even searched through photographs taken at the time of the death, not sure what he was looking for, but had come up with nothing. He found a photograph of McCracken in a Dublin newspaper, standing on the steps of the courthouse having successfully defended a murder case. He cut it out and brought it to Mattie Slattery, hoping the publican might recognise him.