The Butterfly State

by Carol Coffey

  By the time Kate returned home from dropping Tess to Glenmire, Seán was missing from his bedroom. Kate searched for him in each room but he was nowhere to be seen. When she entered the kitchen, she stood open-mouthed. The bottle of sherry that Dermot had brought for their date lay empty on the kitchen floor. She had completely forgotten about it and had placed it in the cupboard, saving it, hopeful for another similar evening with Dermot to occur. Every cupboard door stood open, drawers lay upturned on the ground, forks and knives strewn everywhere. Kate slumped down on a kitchen chair, unable to believe that this is what her brother had come to and knowing that she could no longer manage Seán on her own. The old metal tea canister that Kate kept money in was upturned, its contents of fifteen pounds emptied and gone. Seán had even put his hand into the flour jar – searching for what, Kate didn’t know – and had spilled flour everywhere. Kate sat and looked at the mess for a few minutes, her eyes absorbing the scene. She had come to the end of the road, she could no longer help Seán, and she no longer wanted to. She thought of phoning Dermot who would be setting up the pub for the day but she was aware that their last few conversations were all about problems, her problems. She longed for a normal conversation with this man that she had begun to love.

  Kate walked down the hallway and phoned Deirdre O’Connell who would hopefully be back in the dispensary by now and arranged for her to call that afternoon. Kate hoped Deirdre would organise an ambulance to take Seán back to hospital as soon as possible as she felt she couldn’t sleep under the same roof for another night with her unpredictable brother. When she put the phone down, she did as Deirdre said and looked for Seán in the nearby fields, knowing he could not have got far without a car. She searched the fields nearer to the house first, calling his name, feeling the panic rising inside her. She walked to the outer fields where she found him, lying in the field that led down to the lake, the field where they used to play as children. At first she stood some twenty feet from him and looked at the scene as though she were watching a movie, eventually moving toward him and kneeling beside him.

  Seán lay on his side in the long grass sobbing, spit and tears running down his neck and soaking the crumpled grey shirt that he had slept in the night before. She placed her hand on his arm as he lay there. Beside his head lay a pool of blood-streaked vomit which alarmed Kate though she tried not to show it. She tried to lift him but found that even though he had lost a lot of weight, she could not move him. She sat there for some time, silent, as Seán’s sobs gradually died down to a whimper.

  Finally she spoke, her voice gentle, sad, resigned.

  “How did it come to this, Seán? What happened to you along the way? Look what you’ve become, lying in this field – hopeless – and all because of some land!”

  Kate realised that her words were directed more to herself than to her brother who was distraught, unable to listen to or answer her. The sky above them was dark grey and a heavy rain began to fall, soaking the pair. She could hear the gentle lap of the lake in the distance. She rarely came down here – it was too near where her father had died and she found it eerie. They kept stock here at different times of the year but she knew even Seán didn’t like coming down here and she wondered why he had chosen to lie drunk in this field above any. Maybe he thought she wouldn’t find him here – he knew she hated this field.

  After some time she managed to get him to his feet, following which he vomited again. He bent over and grasped his stomach, a fierce pain gripping him as he moved. They walked slowly back to the house, Kate supporting her brother. The walk was mostly uphill and she sweated under his weight as he limped beside her, exhausted and feeble. She could feel his ribs beneath his shirt and it brought tears to her eyes. She wondered when this pain would be over for him as she no longer believed that he was going to recover.

  As Glenmire was on her rounds, Deirdre O’Connell had offered to collect Tess on her way and bring her home. She knew that Kate could not leave her brother unattended. When they arrived Kate had already helped Seán into bed where he lay asleep and at peace.

  Deirdre listened carefully as Kate told her about Seán’s drinking since he was discharged from hospital.

  “I can’t cope with him any more, Deirdre. I’m at my wits’ end. I have enough to cope with. If he does this again – if he drinks any more – he’ll – he’ll have to leave here.”

  Deirdre agreed that Kate could not manage Seán alone and that he needed to be in hospital. She phoned Dr Doyle from the house, informing him of the situation and requesting he organise for Seán to be admitted as soon as possible.

  By the time Deirdre left, Kate felt reassured and set about making dinner for Tess and Ben. Later, Dermot called in to check on things and stood protectively outside Seán’s bedroom while Kate brought food in to him, worried that he might become aggressive as he hadn’t had a drink since early that morning. Dermot had collected medication that afternoon from Dr Doyle to help Seán sleep and as Seán finished the last of his tea, Kate gave him the tablet, hopeful for a peaceful night’s sleep. When they returned to the kitchen, Tess had retreated to her room. Her first day back at work experience had gone well and she was copying paintings from the craft centre from memory onto her sketchpad. She was thinking about taking them in to Mr Pascoe, who liked paintings and had seemed much nicer to her today.

  When Kate had checked on Ben and found him sleeping soundly, she sat with Dermot in the sitting room. They had not made love since that first night and she longed for that closeness again. When she was sure Tess had finally drifted off to sleep, they made love, more urgently and fervently than the first time, in the sitting room that had once been her mother’s bedroom. Afterwards, as they lay in each other’s arms, Kate did not feel guilty about the brother who lay ill in the room not twenty feet from her. She deserved this happiness, she needed it.

  When Dermot left, Kate checked once more on Seán who seemed to be smiling in his sleep. He stank of vomit and sweat and she would have to wash him tomorrow before the nurse came.

  She realised that Tess was awake and was watching her as she undressed and slid into bed, exhausted.

  “Kate?”

  “Yes, Tess?”

  “Do you love Dermot?”

  Kate felt her heart skip a beat, fearful that Tess had seen them.

  “Tess, did you come out of your room?”

  Tess remained quiet before answering. She could detect the sharp tone in Kate’s voice.

  “No, Kate, it’s just my questions. Sorry. It’s personal. I apologise.”

  Kate smiled to herself in the darkness. “It’s okay, Tess, and yes, I love him, God help me.”

  Kate rolled over and though she expected a peaceful night dreaming of Dermot and their future, she dreamt of her mother walking through the same field she found Seán in earlier that day. She was walking arm in arm with Kate’s grandparents. They all looked happy, as if her mother had forgiven them for making her marry Michael Byrne.

  When she awoke at four in the morning, unable to sleep, she went to the kitchen and made tea. The room was cold and the air felt damp. There was something about the dream she’d had that made her feel uneasy. She opened Seán’s bedroom door to check on him and found him sound asleep. Her mother used to say you dream of the dead when they are trying to send you a message but what was the message? Forgive Seán? Make amends to him? She didn’t know.

  When Kate returned to bed, she lay awake and watched the sun rise and attempt to shine through a wintry grey sky.

  Chapter 41

  1981

  Kate woke with a start at eight thirty and realised she had not heard the alarm go off, having returned to a deep satisfying sleep after her broken night. She jumped out of bed and shouted to her sister to get up. Tess would normally have been awake and impatiently waiting on Kate to drive her to Glenmire. Kate felt the strain of Seán’s behaviour was affecting the whole family. She dressed quickly and shook Tess, then ran into Ben and Seán’s room on the opposit
e side of the hallway. Both were sleeping soundly. She had a foggy memory of Ben’s school bus beeping its horn outside and realised they must have driven off when they saw no sign of life. She would either have to keep Ben home or drop him to school after she dropped Tess off. Kate quickly dressed Ben and fed him toast in the kitchen. It was the quickest breakfast she could muster up and Ben screamed throughout the meal, anxious about the change in routine, and rocked violently back and forth on his chair, giving Kate a headache. She tried not to shout at Tess who was talking loudly to herself about her hair and for some reason was still in her nightdress. Leaving Ben alone, Kate walked down to Tess’s room and held her anxious sister gently by the shoulders, calmly telling her that she had five minutes to dress, that she would do her hair when she was dressed and she would have to eat toast in the car on the way to Glenmire. Tess walked quickly away and started rooting through her drawings in her room. Kate, sensing a row brewing, walked away deciding that if they all stayed home today it wasn’t the end of the world.

  She could hear Tess say “It’s all your fault!” over and over and could feel herself becoming irritated at her sister’s rantings.

  “Whose fault, Tess?”

  No answer.

  “What are you saying, Tess?”

  “It’s all his fault!” Tess screamed, biting her closed fist hard.

  Kate could hear Ben joining in the screaming from the kitchen. It was almost more than she could bear.

  “Who is he, Tess? Who are you talking about?”

  “Him, him!” she screamed, pointing at her own face and running back to her drawing.

  Kate sighed heavily and wearily walked back into the kitchen. She stopped at Seán’s bedroom door, looking at him as he lay face down motionless in his bed, and wished her brother was able to help her. There was a time that he would dress and feed Ben when Tess was a younger, more difficult version of herself. The sleeping tablets are obviously doing their job, she thought to herself.

  As Kate washed Ben’s face and hands roughly by the kitchen sink, Tess appeared in the doorway, ready and waiting, having brushed her own hair and tied it back with a white hair-band. She appeared calm and Kate decided not to rock the boat by asking her sister to explain her outburst a few minutes earlier. She smiled at Tess and walked Ben, who was still screaming, to the door. She sat Ben in the truck and waited for Tess before running back into the house when she did not appear, the stress finally getting to her. Tess was not in the kitchen or the bathroom or her room. Kate looked in the tall wardrobe in their bedroom and in the cupboard in the hall where Tess sometimes hid but could not find her. She returned to the bedroom to look under Tess’s bed and then ran back to the kitchen where through the window saw her sister tying a note to the tractor in the yard.

  Kate opened the window quickly. “What’s that, Tess?”

  “It’s from me, Kate, for Dermot,” Tess replied flatly.

  Kate looked at her sister, thinking carefully before speaking, hoping Tess had not written anything about their relationship in the note.

  “What does it say, Tess?”

  “It’s personal.”

  Kate had to be wary as she could see Tess was in a bad mood about being late and she couldn’t afford to set her off.

  “Does it say anything about me, Tess?”

  Tess gulped. “Yes.”

  “Do you want to tell me what is says about me at least?” Kate was trying hard to conceal how irritated she was.

  Before Tess had a chance to answer, Kate heard the truck engine roar and turned horrified towards the front of the house where the truck was parked.

  “Oh God no!” Kate screamed, the reality of what was happening dawning on her as she ran as fast as her trembling legs could carry her. She heard the engine rev again as though someone was accelerating out of the driveway and reached the front door of the house in time to see Seán drive off with Ben screaming in the back. Kate screamed as loud as she could and saw Seán turn back and wave at her, laughing as he drove the truck towards the main road.

  Tess stood rigid at the back of the house, her sister’s screams pinning her feet to the ground. She stood wide-eyed, unable to move, even as she heard Kate scream louder after the disappearing view of the truck in the driveway.

  Tess eventually followed Kate into the house and went directly into the sitting room to hide behind the sofa. She could hear Kate call someone on the telephone as she rocked back and forth and hummed gently to herself in a low scared voice. Kate had phoned the police, trying to calm herself down enough to give them the number plate and description of the truck. She phoned Dermot who insisted on driving the roads looking for Seán, hoping to stop him on the main road towards town. Kate rang Deirdre O’Connell who was not in her office, leaving a frantic message for her to call as soon as possible. When she could do no more she fell into a crumpled heap on the kitchen floor and wept uncontrollably.

  “Please, God, don’t let him hurt Ben, please! Please God in heaven, bring Ben safely home! Please, Mammy, if you’re listening, help Ben! God, what will I do? What will I do?”

  Tess came from behind her safe place and, going to the kitchen, put her arms around her howling sister and they sat there on the floor, neither of them speaking. After a few minutes, Tess began to feel uncomfortable under Kate’s tight hold even though she knew that Kate needed this hugging. She squirmed and freed herself from her sister, returning to her space behind the sofa in the sitting room where she stayed until the loud siren of the police car pulled up noisily on their gravel driveway, nearly deafening her.

  When he reached the main road Seán swung the battered truck left towards Knockbeg, knowing Kate would expect him to take a right towards their village. Seán headed for the bigger town knowing no one would think of looking for him there, thinking instead that the idiot brother of Kate, child of a whore and God knows which father, would drive directly to his own town to drink. What he hadn’t planned on was taking his brother with him and he wondered what he would do with Ben when he arrived at the pub. He couldn’t take him in with him and might have to lock him in the car for a while. Ben was screaming louder now and was beginning to get on Seán’s nerves. He had a savage headache, probably from the tablet Kate had given him the night before.

  “Shut up, Ben, it’s all right! You know me, don’t you? It’s Seán. Stop it!” he yelled, unable to bear his brother’s high-pitched screams.

  The louder Seán roared, the more frightened Ben became and the louder he screamed. Seán thought he heard Ben say “Mammy” and laughed.

  “Mammy? Your mammy’s long dead, Ben, and you’re not missing much with her – a whore is what she was!”

  Ben began biting his hand until blood trickled down his sleeve causing him to cry even louder.

  Seán noticed that Ben was not fastened in his seat and swung his arm back to hold his brother as he took yet another sharp turn off the main road and onto a smaller side-road that he knew no one would think of taking. Ben screamed as though Seán was about to hit him and began rocking back and forth, continuing to bite the hand that was now bleeding heavily. Seán thought about stopping and putting Ben out of the car, knowing someone would find him and bring him back but banished this thought from his mind, amazed that he could even consider this. Are you gone mad? he asked himself silently. He knew that all he needed was a couple of quick drinks after which he’d bring Ben home and face the music. He thought about the look on Kate’s face when she saw him driving away, which was priceless. Bitch. He had woken when she slammed the truck door. He looked out through the open curtains and thought he saw Tess standing outside his window, looking in at him with her creepy white face, holding the truck keys in her hand. Seán rubbed his eyes and looked again to find her gone. He wondered now if he had seen her at all. In her place he could see the open truck outside and saw an opportunity to get away for a while. He had slept in his clothes and now quickly put his shoes on. He ran out into the front yard to the truck and found the keys lying o
n the seat. Ben was in the truck but he didn’t wait to put him out. He wondered why he wasn’t at school but it was too late then.

  Seán pulled over into a driveway and tied a hankie around Ben’s hand. He looked at Ben’s face for a moment, noticing the fear in his brother’s eyes and looked away quickly before he got any notions to turn around.

  “Come on, Ben, it’s just a bit of fun, okay?” He tried to put his arm around Ben who flinched and rocked harder, banging the back of his head off the seat and crying even louder. “Shut up, Ben, please shut up! I have a headache and you’re making it worse!”

  Seán tried to move his hand around his brother to fasten his seat belt but stopped when Ben threw himself forward, biting Seán on the shoulder.

  “Fine, suit yourself, ya little bastard!” he said before taking off at high speed.

  Seán drove as though in a rally competition along the winding country road, glad that the school buses had been and gone as it was almost impossible to get by them on these roads. When he eventually met up with the main Knockbeg road again, he braked hard and skidded briefly on the muddy surface.

  “Whoa! Tight one there, Ben!”

  He looked in the rear-view mirror at his brother who was now whimpering, licking his hand through the dirty hankie Seán had tied around it. The main road was quiet except for a few cars pulling trailers and he realised it must be mart day. He overtook the first trailer and settled back into his lane before trying to overtake two more trailers that were driving close to one another. He had to swerve to get back in and looked up in time to catch the second driver shake his fist at him. Seán gave him a two-finger salute but reddened as he realised that the driver was an elderly neighbour he knew well. The embarrassment only lasted a few seconds as Seán attempted to overtake the car again, feeling uncomfortable at the old man’s accusing gaze in his rear-view mirror. He stuck his nose out and took off, seeing a clear road ahead of him, overtaking the two trailers and a car full of tourists. Someone beeped at him and he looked around, unable to tell which car the sound had come from.