The Butterfly State

by Carol Coffey

  Kate tried to read a magazine but kept looking at her watch. Eventually, the worry got the better of her and she decided to phone Tess from the phone box outside the post office, less than a minute’s walk from the surgery.

  Kate hurried down the path while searching in her purse for the coins needed and dialled the number quickly. When it had rung seven times Kate could feel an overwhelming panic rise up in her. She worried that Tess might hurt Ben if he kept screaming, and then she felt ashamed of the thought.

  When Tess finally answered on the tenth ring, Kate could not hear Ben in the background.

  “Tess! Is everything okay? Where’s Ben?”

  “He’s in the kitchen, Kate,” Tess answered calmly. “He wouldn’t stop screaming when he didn’t see you so I gave him my painting book and crayons. He loves them and I usually won’t give them to him because he bites them and puts spit on them and . . .”

  Tess rattled on and on and Kate sighed with relief. She told her she would be home as soon as possible and to give Ben some mashed potato, not too hot, if she wasn’t home by six.

  She smiled as she heard Tess say, “I know, Kate, I’m not a baby, you know!” and rushed back to the crowded doctor’s office.

  When she returned, she moved quickly through the crowded room with her head down, stopping at the back row where she had sat with Seán. She raised her head to sit down and found that her brother was gone.

  Sam Moran couldn’t believe his luck when he saw Kate Byrne helping her brother from the truck and into the doctor’s surgery. He had been in Slattery’s and knew Dermot Lynch was working so assumed that the younger sister was alone in the house. He returned to his car, forgetting the story he was supposed to be working on and drove towards the Byrne farm outside town. He parked behind thick scrub, thinking he could walk up the path unnoticed.

  But Tess had already heard him and knew that a strange car had driven onto the property. She looked out and couldn’t see anything but waited, hoping it was Dermot in a different car coming to sit with her. She did not like being alone but wanted Kate to know that she was grown up. Neither did she like looking after Ben who she had just managed to quieten but she knew it wouldn’t be long before he started screaming again. She had planned on working on her list by teaching him to speak.

  She gasped as she saw a stranger walk slowly and quietly up the front path. She could feel her heart thump and tried to remember her emergency list of what to do with strangers. She watched the stranger look through the glass in the front door and stood transfixed, her heart pounding so loud she was afraid he could hear it. Her eyes followed him as he walked around the side of the house towards the kitchen. Her heart leapt as she thought of Ben who she had left on the kitchen floor rocking and humming with her good crayons in his mouth, full of spit. She ran down the hallway and glanced into the kitchen, anxious to remain out of view. She saw the man place his two hands around his eyes and peer through the bright kitchen window. He knocked loudly when he saw Ben and knocked harder when the boy did not answer first time, the noise startling her brother, making him scream again. Moran started to call out loudly and Ben rocked back and forth so severely he hit his forehead off the table leg and started to cry. Tess, who had hoped to hide until the stranger went, ran into the room and tried to soothe her brother like Kate always did but it did not work and Ben became more and more agitated, knocking his head twice more off the table. Tess ran to the phone and lifted the receiver but she did not know who to call. She heard the man say “Miss, I just want to hear your side of the story” but she did not know what story he was talking about and felt tears well up in her eyes as she did not know any stories.

  “Miss, could you let me in, please! I’ll only take a minute of your time,” Sam shouted shamelessly, knowing he was causing severe distress to both the boy and his sister.

  Tess felt her hand rise to her mouth to bite herself but resisted the urge and lowered it. The man continued to bang on the window, shouting, and she could think of nothing else to do except shout “Help!” down the phone, pressing all the buttons until the man ran out of the yard and around to the front of the house.

  Tess ran down the hall and listened as he got into his car and turned the engine on. She drew a sharp breath as she saw him reverse into the driveway, thinking he was returning, but was relieved when he drove off in the direction of the town.

  Tess stood in the hall frozen for several minutes, trying to absorb what had happened and what the man wanted from her. She walked back to the kitchen where Ben was whimpering quietly from his sore head which was not bleeding and gave him more of her crayons. She then returned to stand at the bottom of the hallway which had no windows for strangers to look into and waited for Kate to return.

  Kate had already looked for Seán in one of the town’s three pubs and had not found him. She felt guilty that her first thoughts were of him heading to the pub but there was nowhere else in this town to go. She walked hurriedly to the other end of town, to Slattery’s where Dermot worked. She was aware of her breathing and could feel her chest rising and falling quickly with each gasping breath as she quickened her pace. She could feel the panic rising in her with each step she took and with each passing moment. Her heart pounded and sweat began to roll down her back. She knew that if Seán had even one drink he would go back to his old ways. She didn’t want to trouble Dermot but Seán used to drink there and she thought he might have sneaked into the bar unnoticed for a quick drink, hoping to get back to the surgery before Kate finished phoning Tess.

  Dermot looked up when he saw Kate enter the lounge and instinctively knew that something was wrong. She beckoned him to the door as she didn’t want to talk in front of the customers. Her Uncle Jimmy, just off the Dublin bus and having his usual on the way home, nodded to her.

  “Kate,” he said as he tipped his cap.

  Kate ignored him. She had not spoken to her uncle for years – the memory of him trying to point the finger at Seán for their father’s death still made her angry. Dermot followed her outside and she explained how Seán had disappeared from the surgery. He could see she was worried sick, her voice falling and rising as she recounted how she had left him for just a few minutes. He went back inside to ask his aunt to watch the bar while he helped her look for Seán.

  As he walked through the bar Jimmy Kelly caught him by the arm and leaned towards him, the smell of drink and cigarettes almost choking him.

  “Anything wrong, son? My niece looked like she’s seen a ghost.”

  Dermot wanted to give Kate’s uncle a smart answer or better still tell him to mind his own business but thought the better of it.

  “No, Jimmy. She has a flat tyre, that’s all. Back in a few minutes.”

  Dermot found Seán in Massey’s, a quiet pub frequented by older men who didn’t care about the pub’s rundown appearance and dirty glasses, the owner himself being a little too short-sighted to ensure the place was kept clean. Luckily it was quiet with only two men sitting at the bar together, Seán sitting at the other end alone. He had a large whiskey in front of him and an empty glass, obviously about to start his second. Dermot walked casually up to him and sat down, refusing the offer of a drink from the octogenarian bartender.

  “What do you want?” Seán snarled loudly.

  He seemed to be already drunk which Dermot couldn’t understand.

  “Keep your voice down, Seán. Kate’s outside. She’s worried sick. She left Tess looking after Ben and has to get home. Now, will ye come with me, Seán? Let’s get that hand seen to.”

  Seán’s hand had stopped bleeding, the towel tied around it stuck to the hard blood around his wound. He tried to stand up but fell backwards, saving his fall with his one good hand. Dermot had just reached out to help, thinking Seán was rising to leave with him, when Seán recovered his balance and swung a left fist into Dermot’s jaw. Dermot, taken off guard, fell sideways and crashed into the bar. The two elderly men looked on amused at the free entertainment but did not move.
Dermot tried to restrain Seán and was amazed at the thin man’s strength. Seán flailed and with his injured hand tried again to punch Dermot who by now had twisted Seán’s good arm behind his back. Seán grimaced with pain and Dermot loosened his grip whereupon Seán pulled his hand free and hit Dermot again, knocking him onto the filthy bar floor that probably hadn’t been swept or mopped in weeks. Dermot stood up, looked at Seán and weighed up the situation. He didn’t think it was possible to reason with him and knew he would have to overpower him. He didn’t like the idea of hurting a sick man but knew he had no choice. He lunged at Seán, punching him hard in the jaw and knocking him out.

  As Dermot stood the dazed Seán onto his feet, one of the old men said, “Yes, that’s how it was done in my day, lad. He’ll have a sore jaw tomorrow, by God!” before lifting his pint and looking towards the black and white television perched high in the corner. The Angelus had begun and the six o’clock news would be on soon.

  Outside, Kate watched ashen-faced as Dermot helped a bloodied Seán into the truck. Dermot accompanied her on the journey home – he would have to borrow the truck to get back to town and would deliver it to her early the following morning. It was lucky that he went with her as halfway home Seán started to come to and began waving his hands about, trying to grab the wheel. Dermot had to pull over and let Kate drive so he could sit between Seán and her, hoping his bulk would prevent Seán from trying anything stupid. After a few slurred protests, Seán fell into a drunken sleep and Kate and Dermot drove in silence, the reality of the situation seeping deeply into their minds. Seán would never recover and they both wondered how they would cope with him in the future.

  Back at the farm, Dermot helped Seán from the truck as Kate ran ahead into the house to warn Tess, knowing her sister hated the sight of blood.

  Tess was in the hallway where she had stood for almost an hour but for a few attempts to quieten Ben who had now at last fallen asleep on the kitchen floor. It occurred to her several times to pinch him to make him stop screaming but she didn’t want to hurt him. So she stood in the hallway away from him and out of sight of the man who had wanted her to tell a story, should he come back, and waited for Kate to return.

  Kate told her that Seán had been drinking and had fallen and got hurt and Tess didn’t have time to tell her about the man who had come and shouted. As the others passed her in the hall, she could smell drink from Seán and wondered why he would drink again when he could die. She covered her eyes as she thought about him becoming a skeleton. She worried about being dead and didn’t like to think about the skeleton she knew was inside her. When Seán was safely out of view she went to her bedroom and sat on her bed. Then she remembered she should rescue what was left of her crayons from the sleeping Ben and, besides, she should tell Kate about the man who shouted in case he might come back.

  Dermot and Kate were in the kitchen, talking quietly, so Tess stood outside the door, listening to see if it was about her work experience. Peeping in, she gasped when she saw Dermot kiss Kate on the lips like Noel Moore used to do when Tess was a little girl. Then Kate turned around and saw her and smiled, telling her to come in. Tess wondered whether she should apologise for seeing them kiss because it was personal or whether they should apologise to her. She didn’t know so she said nothing.

  “Well, goodnight, so,” said Dermot awkwardly. “I have to get back to work. Now be sure to phone me if Seán wakes up and gets aggressive.” He didn’t want to leave them but he had to get back to his aunt who was working the bar alone in his absence.

  After he had left, Tess gathered up her sketchbook and crayons, the ones that didn’t have spit on them, and Kate asked her what happened to Ben’s head and did not believe her when she said a man made noise which frightened him. Kate looked angry. Shaking her head and tutting, she made Ben get up from the floor and led him away to his bedroom.

  Following her, Tess was glad to see that Kate locked Seán’s bedroom door to be sure he didn’t get back out that night.

  Chapter 40

  1981

  Sam Moran sat at the newspaper’s weekly staff meeting and cringed as Talbot asked for an update on the Byrne article. Talbot listened as he went through the ups and downs of his investigations which to date hadn’t resulted in anything except his being threatened which he kept to himself, fearful that Talbot would call him off. When Sam finished he watched Talbot nodding and waited.

  “Right. Well, it seems that’s going nowhere really so let it go,” Talbot said matter of factly. “It was worth a try of course but it’s been a costly exercise, so forget it, Moran. I want you to work with Kenny, show him the ropes.”

  Sam looked at the new freckled-faced apprentice and winced – he didn’t even look old enough to drink.

  “Could I have two more weeks, just two? I know I’m onto something,” he asked, the sound of desperation audible in his voice.

  “Sorry, but you’ve been chasing this story since February. I know you’re keeping up with your regular work but it’s costing money. Let it go, Moran.”

  Sam sighed and slumped into his chair. He paid no attention to the rest of the meeting and watched his new shadow Kenny take notes and show enthusiasm, something he felt he seriously lacked at the moment.

  Kate slammed a plate of toast on the kitchen table in front of her brother who sat, head in hands, looking down at his breakfast like a scolded child. Seán looked up at his sister who stood red-faced at the kitchen sink. He could see the veins bulging on her neck and was weighing up whether or not this was a good time to apologise and try to smooth things over with her. He could see that worming his way in was going to be harder than usual.

  “Kate, I’m sorry – I –”

  “Don’t Seán, don’t! Your apologies mean nothing to me any more. Your promises mean even less. You’re a drunk, Seán, and neither I nor Tess nor Ben can depend on you for anything.”

  “Kate, no, please – I’ll –”

  “You’ll what? You’ll change? Turn over a new leaf. Is that it, Seán? Well, I’ve heard it many, many times before and you know what, Seán, even you don’t believe it. If it wasn’t for the kids I’d leave here, wash floors in Dublin if I had to. At least I could go to bed at night knowing peace. No, Seán, you save your sorrys for they mean nothing in this house any more. From now on you’ll do as I say. No keys to the truck because you won’t be going anywhere without me any more. You can work on the farm if you’re able but your days of telling me what to do, of roaring abuse at either me or Tess, are over!”

  Seán sat open-mouthed at the table. He had seen his sister cross before but there was something different about her this time. She seemed, well, unafraid of him. He sat for a while looking at her until she began to bang dishes around in the sink which made his head hurt. He rose slowly from the table, considering trying another tactic but thought better of it. He could see Dermot pulling up outside in the truck and rubbed his sore jaw, remembering the farmhand’s punch that sent him flat out on Massey’s floor.

  Seán returned to bed, unsure what else to do with himself. He wanted to explain to Kate that the pain from the cut in his hand was unbearable, that he couldn’t wait another minute for the doctor to see him.

  He honestly hadn’t thought about having a drink and still didn’t know when the idea first came to him. He had found himself standing in the surgery and moving one foot in front of the other towards a pub he rarely frequented. He ordered a large whiskey, his first since he entered hospital which was now over five weeks ago. Within a few minutes, the pain in his hand seemed to ease but had not gone altogether. He ordered a second double and drank it as quickly as the first. He felt slightly dizzy and was amazed that the drink affected him so quickly. He used to be able to knock back five or six large ones before feeling even slightly merry. He had just ordered his third drink which sat on the bar, one for the road, when Dermot walked in, looking for trouble. It was none of his business what Seán did and he wondered why Kate had gone to him for help. />
  The thought had crossed his mind before that Dermot might have an eye for Kate and this worried him greatly. He was trapped here in this house with Kate. He needed her to look after him. If the doctors were right, he would never be a strong man again, would be dependent on help. If he started drinking again, like he had been, he would be dead within a few months. Some choice, Seán thought. He could hear the voices of Kate and Dermot in the kitchen. He strained to listen but could not make their words out. He wanted to get out of bed and put his ear to the door but found he was snug and warm and didn’t want to rise. Within minutes he had drifted off to sleep, smiling at dreams that would never come true.

  Tess stood nervously in the front hall where she had positioned herself more than twenty minutes ago and stood, statue-like, looking at the front door as though she had never seen it before. Kate knew not to interact with Tess when she was like this and busied herself with Ben before the school bus came to collect him. It was Tess’s first day back at the arts and craft centre, Deirdre O’Connell having met with the manager twice to smooth things over and give some advice to the staff on how to interact with Tess. Deirdre explained that sudden changes to Tess’s routine caused severe anxiety so her day needed to be kept as routine as possible. She explained how Tess would need prior notice of any changes to give her enough time to adapt and how Tess’s receptive language was extremely literal so staff should not use colloquial expressions or idioms. Gill still seemed reluctant to take the strange girl back, only relenting when the community nurse reminded him that if people who were different weren’t given a chance, it would be a boring world. Deirdre O’Connell was no fool and knew this would trigger a positive response from the mild-mannered manager.

  Before driving Tess to Glenmire, Kate looked briefly in on Seán who was still sleeping, leaving his bedroom door unlocked in case he needed to use the bathroom. Without the truck, he could not get up to much trouble in her absence. When they arrived at Tess’s work experience, Kate could see Deirdre waiting for Tess in the foyer. Kate waved to her and signalled that she would phone her later. She wanted to talk to her about Seán. Perhaps they could take him back into hospital or see if he could get on that addiction programme earlier. Kate knew her brother was slipping and while she felt a kind of numbness towards him, she knew that if she didn’t do something, Seán would be dead by Christmas.