Who'll Kill Agnes?

by Lea Chan

  “Goodness, Bernie, how do you stay so skinny with all those calories?”

  “Huh? When I’m hungry, I got to eat,” she replied as she sank into the cushiony comfort of a patio chair. Bernie had gone hungry most of her young life. Living at Henley House and indulging in Mark’s rich cuisine, or so it seemed to her, had introduced her to a way of life, especially regarding food, she had never dreamed possible.

  “But how do you stay so skinny?” Audrey repeated. “You’re always eating and you never do anything like exercise to keep the weight off.” Audrey thought that Bernie was the laziest person she had ever met. She didn’t do anything except lounge around all day or go shopping. “I mean, at least Penny and I take long walks. Agnes works in the garden, although she’s still fat. Kevin swims everyday. What I’m trying to say is, well, we all have some kind of exercise regimen.”

  “I swim,” Bernie stated defiantly.

  “You float. I’ve never seen you swim a stroke.”

  “Well, maybe. But I like to dive in. You know, take a running jump.”

  “Yes, I’m sure that explains your slim physique,” retorted Audrey sarcastically.

  “What about Lester? He’s skinny and he doesn’t do anything.”

  “Yes, that’s true, but he doesn’t eat as much as you either.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’ve seen him eat pizza until he almost passes out.”

  Both women laughed then fell silent for a few minutes. Audrey wondered if being a newlywed contributed to Bernie’s metabolism. All that sexual energy. She smiled as she contemplated how Agnes would react if someone mentioned to her that Bernie stayed slim because of sex with Kevin.

  Bernie sat staring at the pool. Suddenly an idea occurred to her. Would it be possible to push Agnes in and hold her under until she drowned?

  “Does Agnes ever go swimming?” she asked.

  Audrey raised an eyebrow. “Why on earth do you want to know that?”

  “Oh, I was just thinking how funny she’d probably look in a bathing suit,” Bernie replied innocently.

  “Grotesque is more like it. No, I haven’t seen her swim in years, not since her weight gain.”

  “You mean she wasn’t always fat?”

  “Oh no, far from it.”

  “So, she does know how to swim?”

  “More or less. As kids, we used to swim here at Aunt Hilda’s. The Briars were among the first families to have a swimming pool. It was a prestige thing.”

  “Wow!”

  Audrey wondered what was on Bernie’s mind and why she cared if Agnes swam or not. The two again remained silent while they sipped their coffee and enjoyed the twittering of birds, the aroma of honeysuckle from Agnes’ hodge-podge garden, and the warm breeze that rippled the pool.

  Suddenly Bernie interrupted the silence with a short remark followed by a question that jarred Audrey. “So, about last evening. You think one of us will do it?”

  “You mean-uh-the drawing?” Audrey had avoided thinking about the cursed X that she had drawn. Naturally, Bernie would have no qualms in bringing up the subject. Bernie had very few qualms about anything.

  “Yeah. But what I want to know is why you and Penny hate her so much? You all know how she treats me.”

  “Yes, but I’ll give you credit for one thing. Agnes herself says you’re tough as nails. She’s very careful with you because she doesn’t want to offend Kevin. But watch out for her. That woman is dangerous and very sneaky.”

  Bernie laughed, “Oh, I’m not afraid of her but she sure has the rest of you quaking. Look at how henpicked poor Les is.”

  “You mean henpecked.”

  “Whatever. She’s always picking on him, poor guy, telling him to do this, eat that, and so on. But you and Penny, what’s the story?”

  Audrey took her time in answering. “In a word, jealousy,” she eventually replied.

  “You and Penny are jealous of Agnes?” Bernie asked, incredulous. “Come on, you two are gorgeous compared to that old walrus.”

  Audrey hooted with laughter “No, no, Bernie. She’s always been jealous of us.”

  “Well, I can understand that but how did she get the upper hand? I mean you two are just as henpicked-pecked as ole Les.”

  “In Penny’s case, as far as I can tell, the jealousy began as soon as they met and with me, as soon as I was born. Lester and I, and to a certain degree Penny, have spent a lot of time discussing what went wrong with our lives and finally realized that Agnes must have been behind everything. There were just too many coincidences.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, let’s start with Penny. She graduated from college with a degree in home economics. Her first job after graduation was as a pastry chef at an exclusive restaurant in Connor’s Corner. The job was for the summer only. In the fall she was going to begin teaching home economics in Connor’s Corner High School. She was excited about both positions, full of youth and enthusiasm. She was also very pretty, and, I think, very naïve. Agnes worked in the same restaurant as a hostess, greeting diners as they came in and seating them. She was very good at it but cute Penny got all the attention from the restaurant staff and accolades from customers for her pastries, especially her pies.”

  “Hey, why doesn’t Penny bake pies for us here at Henley House?”

  “Are you nuts? Agnes wouldn’t hear of such a thing. It would be undignified for her lady companion to occupy herself in the kitchen.”

  “Geez, so Agnes resented Penny for getting attention back then?”

  “I assume so. Agnes, who is five years older than Penny, invited her to share her apartment. Unsuspecting little Penny did so. They double-dated a lot and for a long time Penny thought Agnes was a great friend. In fact Agnes was dating Lester at that time, and Penny sometimes dated one of Lester’s friends.”

  “How old were they then?”

  “Penny was twenty-one. She had finished college in three years. Agnes and Lester were twenty-six. Anyway, Penny was suddenly fired from her job as pastry chef because a customer claimed she had been poisoned by one of her pies.”

  “How awful! But how can you get food poisoning from a pie?”

  “I think it was a custard cream or something that could spoil.”

  “And you think Agnes was behind it?”

  “We do now. As I said a while ago, there were just too many coincidences that followed. Agnes put on a wonderful act, though, and Penny thought she was the best friend in the world. But Penny’s bad luck was just beginning. The school district dismissed Penny before she ever got to teach because of the poisoning.”

  “Oh, the poor thing.”

  “Her story gets worse.”

  “Geez.”

  “Now about this time my wealthy Aunt Hilda died leaving everything to Agnes but I’ll get into that later. Agnes moved here into this house, married Lester, and left unemployed Penny in the apartment. But Penny bounced back from her adversity. She started attending a little Community Church and fell in love with the young, handsome minister. He believed her when she told him that she couldn’t possibly have poisoned the pie. He asked her to marry him.”

  “How wonderful for her. But, something must have happened?”

  “Of course. Someone, we can guess who, began spreading rumors about Penny.”

  “Like what?”

  “That the pie poisoning had been deliberate. The little congregation of the Community Church did not think the minister should marry someone with a cloud of suspicion over her head. He then broke off their engagement. Penny was devastated and had a nervous breakdown.”

  “Some holy guy he was!”

  “Well, I think he was devastated, too. He thought Penny had betrayed him. Years later I talked to him and told him what I thought had happened. I didn’t mention my sister’s name because I was afraid he wouldn’t believe me. By then Agnes had such a charitable reputation all over the county, even in Connor’s Corner, that no one would believe anything bad about her. So, I just
told him that somebody had been out to get Penny. He was terribly saddened and grieved deeply for her.”

  “So why didn’t he marry her then?”

  “He had already married someone else.”

  “Geez, poor Penny.”

  “Exactly. So back to the story. Agnes, who was obviously keeping tabs on Penny, invited her to live here. Penny declined at first and kept trying to get teaching positions throughout the state, but somehow her tainted reputation followed her.”

  “The ‘somehow’ was Agnes?”

  “Well, we’ll never know for sure but it must have been. Penny had another nervous breakdown and finally accepted Agnes’ offer to live here at Briar-er-Henley House. Now remember, she had no idea back then that Agnes could possibly have been behind her misfortunes.”

  “My word, it’s no wonder Penny hasn’t killed her already!”

  “Oh, but there’s more.”

  “What?”

  “Oh yes. To spite Penny, Agnes went to college and got the same degree as Penny had.”

  “How did Penny feel about that?”

  “She may have been irritated but at that time she truly thought Agnes was her friend. Besides, she couldn’t have stopped Agnes from going to college even if she had wanted to.”

  “Wasn’t Agnes kind of old for that?”

  “Oh, Bernie,” laughed Audrey, “lots of people wait till they’re older to get a degree. Anyway, upon graduation, Agnes was hired as assistant director of nutrition for the school district here. Shortly thereafter, Kevin arrived. Penny found herself taking care of him while Agnes held a position she should have had.”

  “Are you serious? You mean Agnes has held that same job for twenty-five years? She makes it sound as if any minute she’s going to be promoted to director. So Penny has just stayed here year after year?”

  “No, when Kevin was about three, Penny thought she had recovered from her nervous breakdowns. She went to California to live with an old college roommate and there she finally got a teaching job. She stayed for about ten years or so but made the mistake of corresponding with Agnes and telling her what a great life she had.”

  “Oh, geez, here we go again, I bet!”

  “Exactly. Someone, anonymously, wrote to the school board of the California town where Penny was teaching and mentioned that they had hired an accused poisoner. Penny got a hearing but she didn’t have proper representation and was asked to resign. Another nervous breakdown resulted. Agnes welcomed her back with open arms telling her that she could live here forever and be her lady companion. Penny accepted, extremely grateful.”

  “Doesn’t Penny have any family?”

  “Yes, but she never felt wanted. She’s the only child of only children. Her parents are eccentric anthropologists who never intended to have children. To them, Penny was an accident, and she was brought up in boarding schools.”

  Bernie pondered this for a few moments. She was sure she and her siblings were unwanted accidents also but her parents didn’t have any choice in what to do with them.

  “Where are her parents now?”

  “Living a comfortable retired life in Kenya writing books on their experiences.”

  “Where’s that?”

  “Africa.”

  “Geez, and Penny never goes to visit them?”

  “She can’t afford it and they’ve never invited her. I think they just shut her out of their minds.”

  “Is that why she latched onto Agnes? Maybe she wanted a family.”

  “That’s very perceptive of you, Bernie. I’m sure Penny used to view all of us that way, and in some ways still does but now she thinks the way I do. She assumes that Agnes ruined her life.”

  “But why did Agnes do all that to her? How can she be that jealous?”

  “I think Agnes subconsciously felt that she was Penny’s surrogate mother and she wanted to control her. Jealousy, control, desire for power, that’s Agnes. She preys on the weak and Penny is rather weak.”

  “Well, she certainly is now with all that’s happened to her. I guess she doesn’t have any fire left.”

  Audrey was amused at Bernie’s instinctive observations. “If she had any to begin with, that is. One of the reasons Agnes hates you so much is that you stand up to her.”

  “She’d hate anyone married to Kevin.”

  “Maybe. She fully expected to handpick a society girl for Kevin, someone well bred, meek, and proper. Someone to provide suitable grandchildren. But you’re a Tucker, you don’t fill the bill.”

  “Hmmph! I ain’t having no kids.”

  “Well, I don’t imagine Agnes would let you anyway.”

  “What the hell do you mean?”

  “Oh, I’m sure she has plans to get rid of you. She’s just biding her time.”

  “Well, I’ve got plans, too.” She hesitated, “What do you mean? Get rid of me?”

  Audrey looked distracted. She didn’t know if she really should be telling Bernie all the things she suspected about Agnes. After all, that’s all they were, just suspicions. “I-I don’t know. Maybe she thinks Kevin will come to his senses and divorce you and she’ll fix it so you don’t get a penny.”

  “What? Kevin divorce me? He adores me.”

  “Of course, that’s the whole problem. Just-just watch out for her.”

  “Hmmph! I’ll be okay. But speaking of divorce, if Lester hates Agnes so much, why doesn’t he divorce her?”

  “On what grounds? He would have to have an extremely good reason.”

  “Oh, that one everybody uses. You know, some big word with differences.”

  “Irreconcilable?”

  “Yeah, that one.”

  “Agnes wouldn’t let Lester try such a thing. It would cause a huge scandal, and he wouldn’t get a penny.”

  “So he’s conniving to get one of us to kill her.”

  “Very good, Bernie. I think you’re right about that.”

  “So why’d he marry her in the first place?”

  “Are you kidding? The Briar fortune.”

  “So he’s never had to work?”

  “Not a lick. Completely dependent on Agnes. But to give him some credit, I think he’s tried to work from time to time, but Agnes would always put a stop to it.”

  “What kind of work?”

  “He was an auto mechanic when they first met.”

  “Why did Agnes stop him?”

  “Control again. Desire for power. And the fact that a mechanic was not very prestigious.”

  “Geez, that’s silly. Why didn’t she buy him a shop or dealership? The Demonts across the street run a car dealership, and they’re even more stuck up than Agnes.”

  Audrey hooted again. “Agnes has kept that money for herself. She wouldn’t think of buying a business for Lester. And, uh, Bernie, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but would you stop saying geez? It’s very annoying.”

  Ignoring the reprimand, Bernie continued, “Well, if Les married her for her money, why did she marry him? I mean, it sounds like a mechanic wasn’t good enough for her.”

  “Agnes was dating Les when she inherited. She was twenty-six years old and desperately wanted a husband. To her, a man was a man and Les was handy. It’s that prestige thing again. She had to have a husband and one that she could control. So they married and eventually Kevin came along. Les adored that little boy. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt Kevin, especially divorce his mother.”

  “But he’d kill her?”

  “Or get one of us to do it. But that’s different. If Agnes were to die, then Les would grieve with Kevin and they’d become even closer. That might not happen with a divorce. Besides, by now Les knows he couldn’t even attempt to divorce Agnes.”

  “What a loony family. My daddy’d just stab her, get sent to the pen, and get out in ten years or so.”

  “There are different kinds of looniness,” Audrey said haughtily.

  Bernie missed the sarcasm and asked, “How does Les feel about Penny living here?”

  �
��Oh, I think he’s always enjoyed her company.”

  “Does he know all the things that Agnes did to her?”

  “We talked about it in the early years but as time went by there didn’t seem to be any reason to harp on the subject. Penny and I discussed Agnes and her alleged treachery but as you can tell, she just accepts things as they are, not much gumption in our Penny. Lester doesn’t want Kevin to know so whatever you do, Bernie, don’t breathe a word about what I’m telling you about Agnes to Kevin.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m serious, Bernie. There are some things we talk about among ourselves that Kevin isn’t privy to. We’ve always conspired to protect Kevin from any knowledge of his mother’s supposed wrongdoing.”

  “Well, I’m not going to say anything. By the way, why does Agnes always refer to Penny as Penelope? I mean if they’re supposed to be friends and have known each other a long time?”

  “Agnes doesn’t approve of nicknames. They’re not dignified. You are Bernadette and Les, her own husband, is always Lester. And by the way, Penny hates to be called Penelope.”

  “Yeah, I can understand that. It bugs me when I’m called anything but Bernie.” She fell silent a few moments then asked, “So what’s the story with you and Agnes? After all, you’re sisters. I love my little brothers and sisters even if they did drive me crazy at home.”

  “But I’m sure you didn’t torment them.”

  “Is that what Agnes did to you?”

  “From the moment I was born.”

  “Geez, uh sorry. But didn’t you go away somewhere? Why did you come back?”

  Audrey sat silently, deep in thought. “I’m not sure I should tell you all this.”

  “Huh? I won’t tell anyone.”

  Audrey smiled condescendingly. “Oh, I’m not worried about that. In fact I think it would be hilarious if you started a rumor about Agnes just as long as you never told anyone who your source was.”

  Bernie thought that was stupid. If she spread rumors about Agnes, then everyone would know she had heard them from someone at Henley House. But she was curious, “Then why shouldn’t you tell me?”