Who'll Kill Agnes?

by Lea Chan

  “Because I don’t want to scare you. I could be wrong. The things I’ve told you about Penny, remember, are just suspicions. We can’t prove a thing and what I think Agnes has done and might do, well, they’re just suspicions, also.”

  “You’re not making sense. Scare me? How?”

  “I’m sure Agnes is plotting to get rid of you, just like we’re plotting to get rid of her.”

  “Yeah, but she can’t make Kevin divorce me. And if she did make him, I’d get plenty of money.”

  “What if she tries something worse? Something I think she’s done before?”

  “What the hell do you mean?”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  At that moment they were interrupted by Agnes, attired in a satiny orange dress, walking cumbersomely with a group of over-dressed ladies toward the gardens. Agnes was giving a ponderous discourse on the pleasures of growing one’s own produce. The middle-aged ladies oohed and ahhed at appropriate pauses.

  “What on earth?” gasped Bernie.

  “Your dear mother-in-law is entertaining the local garden club. She loves to lecture, in case you haven’t noticed.”

  “Tell me about it. You should hear her lecture me on the ‘pro-pri-uhtees of well-bred behavior.’ I’d never even heard of those words until I came here.”

  “And I commend you on being able to pronounce them. I’m surprised that Agnes herself could do so. And those biddies over there eat up everything she says. I don’t know how they understand her.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Agnes has the worst pronunciation I’ve ever heard for someone who’s supposed to be a college graduate. She’s always exchanging one word for another. Right now I’ll bet you she’s either mispronouncing or mixing up the uncommon herbs in her garden. But those ladies don’t know any better either. Look how they’re fawning over her! Another thing she does is make up a word when she forgets the original one.”

  Bernie, who had trouble with pronunciation also, sat silently not knowing what to say. At the moment, garden talk didn’t interest her. She really wanted to discuss the possibility that Agnes might get rid of her.

  “Listen,” continued Audrey, unaware of Bernie’s sudden dark mood, “do you want to have some fun with this?”

  “Sure, I guess so. But how?”

  “Let’s sneak around the trees behind the garden and hide in the bushes and listen to her. You’ll crack up at the things she calls her plants.”

  “But why do we have to sneak? Why can’t we just go to the garden and listen? Kevin and Mark are already there, and it looks like Agnes is inviting them to join the group.”

  Audrey turned and saw the two bemused young men who apparently had been gathering vegetables for lunch and dinner when Agnes and her entourage arrived.

  Kevin had surprised Mark by joining him in the garden and offering to help gather vegetables for dinner. When the garden group arrived, both young men accepted Agnes’ invitation to stay and listen to her lesson. Both saw this as an opportunity to be entertained, not enlightened.

  Kevin was the only person who could tease his mother about her botany mishaps. She mistakenly thought he was praising her and would beam with pride as she assumed that he shared her enthusiasm for plant life.

  Mark, as the son of the owner of the local greasy spoon, knew far more about herbs and salad greens than Agnes ever would. She accepted his superior knowledge simply because she thought he was a real French chef.

  “Ladies,” Agnes was saying, “you have met my son Kevin, and I’m sure you must know by now all about dear Marcel who is a perfect French fair savior.”

  Kevin and Mark exchanged glances at this interpretation of savoir-faire although neither one of them knew what it meant exactly but they somehow managed to present calm exteriors. Agnes puffed herself up and continued her discourse.

  “Why do we have to sneak?” repeated Bernie.

  “Are you nuts? Didn’t you see how she purposefully ignored us, making sure that the ladies didn’t look our way? Neither one of us is dressed properly for a June morning gathering of the Magnolia Creek Garden Club with you in shorts and halter-top and me in a light housedress. Besides, it’ll be more fun to hide and listen, especially if one of the boys baits her or leads her on.”

  “Would Kevin do that?”

  “Oh sure. And Agnes always thinks he’s complimenting her.”

  “Geez, you make her sound like she’s as nutty as she is mean.”

  “That’s why she’s so dangerous. So, are you game?”

  “I guess so. I’ll bet she’d ignore me even if I dressed in the latest outfit from Paris.”

  “You got that right! Although it would be fun to see you all gussied up and crashing one of her soirées. But right now, let’s be quiet and sneak around.”

  The garden club ladies were very impressed that Kevin and the handsome young French chef wanted to stay for Agnes’ lecture. “Such a loving son and such a charming Frenchman,” one of them whispered.

  “Now, ladies, Kevin, and Marcel,” resumed Agnes, “here is my garden of herbs,” and pointing to coriander, which Mark knew also by its Spanish name cilantro, she said, “this is-uh- curlysandra, a very tasty herb.”

  “Oh, I’ve never heard of that one,” gushed one of the ladies.

  “Oh yes,” interrupted Mark, “ees very goot in both Mexican and Chinese dishes.”

  “We are very proud of Marcel,” said Agnes pompously. “He is not only adept at his native French coo-seen but other cultures as well.”

  In the bushes Audrey held back a snicker, but Bernie was confused. It all sounded convincing to her.

  “Now over here,” persevered Agnes, “between my herbs and vegetables is my little garden of dec-or-a-tive plants. However they are more than just dec-or-a-tive,” she paused, proud of her pronunciation. “They discourage plant-eating bugs. Some are also very-uh-medicinal but some are poisonous if accidentally imbibed.” She smiled benevolently at the group, hoping they noticed her intellectual choice of words.

  Kevin and Mark continued to have a difficult time maintaining serious expressions.

  “Oh, what is that one called?” asked one of the ladies as she pointed to a shaggy plant.

  Agnes hesitated then said quite confidently, “That’s She-tekia, one of the medicine plants, but next to it is uh Chenequel, a very poisonous plant.”

  “Oooh, I don’t know how you keep them all straight,” cooed another one of the ladies.

  Audrey was shaking with silent laughter and admiring Kevin and Mark for their straight faces. Agnes had confused the two plants and had misnamed both of them. Audrey glanced at Bernie who seemed to be entranced by the little lecture. Later, she would have to explain to her how Agnes had mixed up the plants.

  Agnes led her admirers around her gardens, going next to the floral display. Kevin and Mark made apologies and departed in a dignified manner, leaving the ladies to compliment Agnes again on such a well-bred son and employee.

  Two of the ladies, however, lagged behind a little. One of them, May Belle Donovan, the police chief’s wife, turned to the other and said, “There’s something rather familiar about Marcel.”

  “Oh, what do you mean?” asked her companion.

  “I can’t quite place it but I have the feeling that I’ve seen him before.”

  “My goodness, have you been to France?”

  “Oh no, not at all.”

  “Well, you know what they say, that everyone has a double somewhere.”

  “Maybe,” May Belle said doubtfully. “Come on let’s catch up with the others and listen to whatever Agnes is babbling on about now.”

  Her companion giggled and said, “Shame on you.”

  Audrey and Bernie nearly burst out laughing at this little conversation, both realizing that Mrs. Donovan had seen Mark somewhere in town. Audrey doubted that any of the ladies had ever patronized The Cracked Cup, but she was sure that Chief Donovan was a regular customer at the place and that he probably had mention
ed something about Mark to May Belle and pointed him out at one time or other. Also, Mark had been a popular kid in school and it would have been easy for her to have at least known something about him especially since May Belle was a teacher and may or may not have had him in her classes. Audrey surmised that kids did change as they grew older and if May Belle had taught him she naturally would think he looked familiar.

  The two of them escaped from the trees and bushes as quietly as they could back to the patio where they encountered Kevin and Mark.

  “The old hide-in-the-bushes trick, huh, dear aunt Hildy.” teased Kevin.

  Wondering why Kevin had addressed his aunt that way, Bernie started to speak but Audrey interrupted her.

  “Kevin, your mother gets nuttier every day,” she joked.

  He laughed and responded, “She’s your sister, too. Besides, she means well. The garden is harmless enough.”

  “As long as you don’t confuse ‘Shetekia’ with ‘Chenequel’,” joked his aunt who burst into laughter along with the two young men.

  “I don’t get it,” pouted Bernie, confused by the repartee encircling her.

  “Don’t get what?” asked Penny as she walked out of the house followed by Lester.

  “Oh,” explained Audrey, “Agnes is at it again with her plants. You should have heard the names she gave two of them. Shetekia and Chenequel.”

  “You’re kidding!” laughed Penny.

  “And,” said Mark, “she confused a poisonous plant with a non-poisonous one.”

  “Oh no,” moaned Bernie, “then make sure you’re the one that makes our salads, Mark.”

  “Well, sometimes she does like to gather the greens herself,” he teased.

  Bernie wasn’t amused but the others were.

  “Come on, honey, we’re just kidding,” said Kevin, “Let’s go in the house.”

  Easily placated she followed him inside. Mark went around to the kitchen leaving Penny, Lester, and Audrey on the patio.

  “Newlyweds,” stated Audrey. “Don’t you love them? Bernie is cheap, ignorant, and drives Agnes crazy.”

  “Yeah,” muttered Lester who was more preoccupied with the previous night’s drawing than with Bernie’s suitability as a daughter-in-law. Although he had admonished the three women not to talk about their arrangement, he desperately wanted to speak to each one separately to see if his plan was being taken seriously. But, as he studied Penny’s nervous expression and Audrey’s preoccupied one, he finally decided that perhaps his plan was weighing heavily on their minds. He worried that Bernie might be too absentminded to remember what she was supposed to do or that she regarded the plan as a game or a joke. Oh well, he thought, all he needed was for one of them to do it.

  “I think I’ll go to my rooms now,” he announced. “Here comes Agnes with her garden ladies, and I don’t want to listen to no fancy introductions.”

  Penny and Audrey exchanged knowing glances and reluctantly left their comfortable chairs, following Lester’s example, and retreated to the sanctity of their own rooms.

  After Mark had served the salad buffet without Shetekia or Chenequel to the garden enthusiasts, the ladies departed, and Agnes went to her suite to prepare for a conference with her boss, the director of nutrition, Shirley Gates.

  Mark had not bothered setting out sandwiches and soup for the other inhabitants, knowing that they would avoid the Garden Club gathering. The ladies had demolished his satisfying pasta and rice salads. There were no leftovers, which Mark considered a compliment, as would any cook.

  Early in the afternoon Lester and Kevin drove downtown to look at some new Chevy pickups. Lester silently and moodily wished that one of the women would quickly kill Agnes so that he could purchase whatever he wanted instead of being forced to petition her and listen to her interminable lectures on why he didn’t need anything new. She was willing to spend a fortune on the privilege of having a French chef but wouldn’t consider giving him a dime. His dream of owning a Rolls Royce had died years ago.

  Kevin was wondering if his mother would really give his dad the money for a new vehicle. Or, would he have to do another one of his con jobs on her? Of course, that way he would get the truck and not his dad but if she did let Kevin have it, she would still insist that it be registered in her name.

  As Lester and Kevin drove away, Penny was in her room preparing to walk downtown to the public library. The afternoon was warm but breezy with just a few fleeting clouds. There were plenty of books in the Henley House library, but Penny felt she needed exercise and a change of scenery. Also, she planned to stop at the deli and get a bite to eat.

  Bernie and Audrey met on the patio once again.

  “Now that the ladies have left let’s see if we can get Mark to scrounge something up for us,” said Audrey.

  “I’m way ahead of you,” said Mark, immediately appearing with a tray of crackers and cheese, fruit, and lemonade. “I glanced out, saw you two getting comfy, and figured you just might be hungry.”

  “You are a dear,” admired Audrey, “why don’t you join us?”

  “Thanks, I’d like to but I’m working on dinner.”

  “So early? It must be something special.”

  Mark smiled sheepishly. “Well, I hope so,” he said modestly, then quickly began to depart not wanting to elaborate.

  Audrey stopped him. “Uh, Mark, we may have a problem.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Bernie and I overheard two of the ladies talking about you. One of them, May Belle Donovan, thinks she’s seen you somewhere and, of course, she mostly likely has. Did you ever take one of her classes?”

  “No, but I did have classes in her hallway. That was a long time ago, though, back in junior high.”

  “Nonetheless, it’s only natural that she would know something about most of the kids who’ve gone through our public school system. Do you think you could grow a moustache and a goatee? That might disguise you better and might impress Agnes even more.”

  He laughed and said agreeably, “Oh hell, why not? That might be more fun anyway. I wonder why we didn’t think of that earlier.”

  “I guess we didn’t think far enough ahead, just assuming that your fake accent would be enough.”

  “Well, I’ll start working on it immediately,” he said and turned and walked toward the kitchen.

  “Mark certainly has sparked things up around here,” said Audrey as she munched and relaxed in the shade of a patio umbrella.

  “Yeah, I guess,” mumbled Bernie lying on a lounge chair in the bright sunshine hoping to darken her tan. Then, wasting no time in resuming their earlier conversation, she asked, “Okay, so what did you mean that you think Agnes is going to do something worse? Something she’s done before?”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Audrey hesitated as a jumble of thoughts raced through her mind. If she plunged ahead and told Bernie all of her suspicions, she knew Bernie wouldn’t keep her mouth shut. She would probably tell her family and then the Tuckers would happily spread rumors about Agnes’ alleged evil doings. Audrey didn’t want to be known as Bernie’s source, yet she perversely wanted to see how the community’s Saint Agnes would react to malicious slander. Although, knowing Agnes, it was feasible that she would never know anyone was talking about her. Town gossip eluded her as she placed herself loftily above the so-called lower class.

  Then the dreaded X appeared in Audrey’s mind. If Agnes should suddenly appear to have an accidental death, would vicious rumors cause Chief Donovan to suspect something else? How smart was Donovan? But Bernie’s curiosity had been aroused and Audrey knew she couldn’t tell her to forget what she had said.

  “So,” repeated Bernie, “what did you mean?”

  Taking her time, Audrey responded carefully. “Haven’t you wondered why Agnes owns this house, lock, stock, and barrel, and why I have nothing?”

  “Uh, no. You’ve got a cushiony life here just like the rest of us.”

  “Cushiony life? Are you nuts? Well, this
cushiony life, as you call it, should be half mine.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  “Surely you’ve figured out that Agnes doesn’t support us with her salary from the school district.”

  “No, you said she inherited a family fortune or something like that.”

  “Exactly. She inherited a fortune plus this house and its contents from our aunt.”

  “How about your folks? Didn’t they leave you anything?”

  “That’s just it. Our grandfather, Aunt Hilda’s brother, was disinherited because of bad gambling debts. Aunt Hilda inherited everything and because she was a spinster and very miserly with money, she spent very little of it and invested wisely. The fortune doubled during her life.”

  “Geez.”

  Audrey grimaced at Bernie’s continued use of her annoying expression but realizing that reprimanding her would do no good, ignored it and continued with her discourse. “Our father inherited nothing when gramps died and had to work very hard all his life. But, in spite of her acrimonious ways, Aunt Hilda was very kind to us, at least to me. Aunt Hilda made out a will leaving everything to our parents. We would eventually get the family fortune back. But then our parents died in an automobile accident and she changed her will. I was too young to think about things like that back then.”

  “So Agnes got everything and you didn’t get anything?”

  “Exactly.”

  “How did that happen? I thought you said your aunt was kind to you.”

  “That’s just it. She loved me very much. When Agnes and I were children and Agnes would blame me for something she had done, I could always go to Aunt Hilda, who would comfort me. I think she’s one of the few people who could see through Agnes’ goody-goody act.”