Who'll Kill Agnes?

by Lea Chan

  “So why weren’t you in her will?”

  “I think maybe I was at first. I was only fourteen when our parents died and Agnes was twenty-two and old enough legally to have custody of me.”

  “Ugh!”

  “Yes. I desperately wanted to live with Aunt Hilda but Agnes wouldn’t permit it. The courts sided with her saying that Aunt Hilda was too old to raise a teenager. Agnes and I lived in Connor’s Corner then and she never allowed me to visit Aunt Hilda.”

  “How sad.”

  “I know. Then, when I graduated from high school, Agnes did the strangest thing.”

  “What?”

  “She sent me to Europe for the summer. It was the happiest time of my life.” A wistful smile crept across her face. She continued, “But when I came home Aunt Hilda had died and Agnes was living here. I was heartbroken for my aunt because I had not seen her in years.”

  “Was that why she left you out of her will?”

  “I don’t know but I don’t think so. I think we were both in the will but that Agnes must have said something about me to make Aunt Hilda change her mind. When I came back from Europe, I was very young and didn’t suspect anything. Before I went, Agnes said she couldn’t afford to send me to modeling school yet she used her own money to send me to Europe.”

  “You wanted to be a model?”

  “More than anything.”

  “So, when you came back from Europe, did you go? I mean Agnes must have had plenty of money then.”

  “Oh, she had plenty of money but she wouldn’t give me a dime. She said we were too upper class for modeling.”

  “Geez, you can’t get classier than that.”

  Audrey smiled in spite of Bernie’s expression. “I certainly thought so back then. I can tell you I was devastated. So I ran away from home.”

  “Good for you!”

  “I was old enough to leave anyway. I went upstate and began to work as a waitress, saving my money for cosmetology school. Modeling was way beyond my means.”

  “I think cosma-whatever is neat, too.”

  “Agnes didn’t know where I was at first but, when I enrolled in school, she eventually found me. She did everything she could to get me to quit but I stuck to it.”

  “Wow! That’s great. Then why aren’t you working as a whatchamacallit?”

  “I’ll get to all that. Just let me tell you the whole story.”

  “Okay.” Bernie was now enthralled by Audrey’s saga.

  “When I graduated, I moved out of state and got a job in a very nice salon. By that time, Agnes had married Les, sabotaged Penny umpteen times, and Kevin had arrived. When I look back on it now, I think she just had me on the backburner of her mind.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Because someone sabotaged my beauty career by spreading rumors that I was a kleptomaniac.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Someone who steals compulsively.”

  “But didn’t you live out of state?”

  “Yes, but that didn’t stop Agnes if indeed it was Agnes. All she had to do was pick up a phone and call to plant seeds of suspicion.”

  “So you came back here?”

  “Yes. She was living here and I didn’t think it was fair. I wanted my share of Aunt Hilda’s estate.”

  “Did you confront her?”

  “Oh no. First I went to see the will. It was legal. But, get this, Agnes wanted me living here anyway, just like Penny. She wanted to control my life and couldn’t bear any success that I might have. So I moved in to live my life of leisure at her expense. Why shouldn’t I live here? Half of this house should be mine.”

  “So you get back at her by living off her, yet that’s what she wants? That’s crazy!”

  “Maybe.”

  “But there’s one thing I don’t understand at all.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Why did she pay for you to go to Europe if she’s so stingy?”

  “Oh, haven’t you guessed? To get me out of the way so she could con Aunt Hilda to changing the will and then to,” Audrey hesitated.

  “To do what?”

  “I think she killed Aunt Hilda.”

  “No! But how?”

  “Over the years I have tried to reconstruct what must have happened. I have interviewed everyone that could possibly have known anything except the old family doctor who signed the death certificate. He’s been dead for years but many have said that he was rather senile and susceptible to suggestions.”

  “So what do you think happened?”

  “Well, the maid Edna found the body and called Dr. Kelly who signed the death certificate, stating natural causes. Agnes had the body cremated immediately.”

  “Oh!”

  “Yes, that’s naturally suspicious. I think Agnes may have sedated her or perhaps smothered her with a pillow. Edna said Aunt Hilda had been taking sedatives every afternoon and that she looked serene and at peace so smothering her while she was asleep seems plausible or maybe she overdosed.”

  “And the doctor was fooled?”

  “Yes, very easily, I imagine.”

  “But how do you know about changing the will?”

  “A few years ago I went to see Aunt Hilda’s old lawyer. He wouldn’t give out confidential information but he did say something rather revealing.”

  “What?”

  “That he was glad that I had seen the error of my ways. His attitude toward me was arrogant and condescending.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I think it means that Agnes had told another one of her malicious lies and both Aunt Hilda and the lawyer believed her.”

  “Sounds like you have more reason to kill her than anyone.”

  “That’s probably true. Do you remember just before we drew for the-uh-X to kill Agnes that Les stared at me?”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” Bernie replied with uncertainty.

  “I once told him my suspicions and he told me to keep quiet. I think I scared him. Sometimes I think he’s afraid of her and remember, the person who benefits the most if Agnes dies, is Lester.”

  “Yeah, but look at what she’s done to you and Penny. My daddy would’ve ripped her heart out by now.”

  “We’re not all as sensible as your daddy,” said Audrey, realizing Bernie would not respond to irony.

  “So, Agnes dies and Les inherits. Where will that leave you?”

  “In the same position as you and Penny.”

  “Oh, not exactly,” interrupted Bernie, “Les won’t kick out his own son and daughter-in-law.”

  “And I doubt if he’d kick out Penny and me either. We all get along well together. It’s Agnes, that cunning, conniving, manipulating, patronizing bitch who dictates how we should live, doling out her petty little allowances that she calls salaries, who makes our lives so miserable.”

  “Whew! You do have it in for her!”

  “Do you blame me?”

  “Hell no! But if you had inherited half of your aunt’s property how would you have divided the house?”

  “I don’t know what I would have done back then. I was so very young. But now I would sell out my half and buy a luxury condo. This house is very expensive to maintain and I imagine the taxes are tremendous.”

  “Yet Agnes doesn’t want us to go out and work to earn money for the upkeep.”

  “Oh no. She would be jealous of our independence. She wants us here, depending on her, worshiping her, grateful to her. She has convinced herself that we can’t exist without her. This is her domain, her empire.”

  “Geez, and you all just go on doing what she says.”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Looks like to me you do.”

  “Penny and I have secret jobs.”

  “You’re kidding! What are they?”

  “Well, almost everyone else knows, except Agnes, of course. You might as well know, too.”

  “So, tell me.”

  “We both write columns for the newspaper. It doesn’t
pay very much money but enough for nice clothes and things. We don’t have to pay for room and board, remember, so with Agnes’ little allowance-uh-salary and our column money we have a little bit of independence, not enough for a grand trip, perhaps.”

  “So what do you write?”

  Audrey blushed. “Have you ever noticed the Ask Hildegarde column, the one about etiquette and fashion?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Hey, is that why Kevin called you Aunt Hildy this morning?”

  “Oh, you noticed that.”

  “You mean Kevin knows what you’re doing?”

  “Sure. That kid has a great sense of humor. He loves putting things over his mom. He certainly knows about Mark.”

  “So what does Penny write?”

  “The Aunt Hazel Recipes. However, the newspaper thinks I write both columns and pays me for both. I divide the salary in half and pay Penny. She’s such a little wimp that she’s afraid Agnes will find out and do something again.”

  “Well, nobody’s going to get poisoned from her recipes.”

  “Of course not.”

  “How about Les? Does he do anything extra for money? I mean he’s got you-know-who over at the trailer park.”

  “Oh,” laughed Audrey, “nothing is secret in this town. Let’s just say that he has his ways but they’re not quite as profitable as mine and Penny’s.”

  “You’re all nuts.”

  “Seriously, Bernie, be careful. Agnes hates you and she stops at nothing to get what she wants.”

  “Geez,” said Bernie quietly.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Agnes, in the meantime, was driving downtown to the school administration building. With the success of the Garden Club gathering behind her, her thoughts, always self-centered, now dwelled on the magnificent contribution that she had made to the school children of Magnolia Creek. She considered how, during the past twenty-five years, her nutritional endeavors had helped make Magnolia Creek students among the healthiest in the country. Then she thought of poor Penelope who had been so inept in the education field and how grateful she should be to Agnes’ efforts, which enabled her to give up teaching. Penelope belonged just where she was as her companion. She smiled benevolently to herself.

  Her wandering thoughts turned to her upcoming conference with Shirley Gates. She was fairly certain that Shirley was resigning and was going to tell Agnes that she would recommend her for the position. Shirley’s appointment five years earlier had been a devastating blow to Agnes who had fully expected to be promoted to director. Agnes had been passed over many times for promotion but Shirley’s appointment had been especially unexpected. Shirley, a much younger woman than Agnes, had appeared on the scene virtually out of nowhere. Her only credentials had been as food editor of the Connor’s Corner local newspaper. Agnes felt that she had worked well with Shirley. If she had had to undermine her decisions and inject her own from time to time, it was simply for Shirley’s own good and the well being of the students. She protected Shirley just as she did the members of her own household. Now Shirley would resign, return to newspaper reporting where she belonged, forever indebted to Agnes for her knowledge, expertise, and guidance.

  “Such a wonderful day,” she sang to herself as she drove along, savoring the successes of the day, especially the lovely Garden Club lecture and luncheon and now, at last, her rightful position in the school administration.

  While Agnes was dwelling on how her attributes had improved the lives of so many of the good citizens of Magnolia Creek, Shirley Gates, an attractive, intelligent, and ambitious woman of thirty-five, was conversing with her secretary, Annie Pilston.

  “Annie, I think you know that a TV station in the state capital has offered me a spot on an early morning talk show.”

  “Yes, Shirley, I’ve heard the rumors. So, it’s true?”

  “Yes,” said Shirley in a rather bemused manner.

  “Congratulations! How wonderful for you and terrible for me.”

  “Why? How do you mean?”

  “Now I’ll have to work for that ooey-gooey moron Agnes Henley.”

  Shirley burst out laughing. “I wonder if there’s anyone else in this town who knows how totally ignorant that woman is. She constantly and consistently confuses her food groups; she can’t spell worth a damn; and you never know what vitamins or minerals she’s talking about because she can’t pronounce them.”

  “How on earth did she get her job in the first place?” Annie, a twenty-two-year-old perky strawberry blonde and recent graduate of a technical school, was flabbergasted when she discovered that the revered Agnes Henley was one of the most inept employees of the school district. At first Annie was in awe of both Shirley and Agnes but soon discovered that Agnes was all show, a complete fake, and just a little flaky.

  “Goodness only knows. There are a lot of incompetent people working in our school systems. I suppose she came here fresh out of college. It doesn’t take much to impress some people. But why do you call her ‘ooey-gooey’?”

  “Because she’s always so sugary sweet while at the same time playing down to me or something like that.”

  “You mean pompously patronizing and condescending?”

  “Exactly. You certainly know the right adjectives for her!” laughed Annie. “Let’s just say I would never turn my back on her.”

  “Well, Annie, you’ve nothing to worry about. I’m not leaving.”

  “What? You’re giving up a TV show to remain here and continue to work alongside Agnes? Why?”

  “Oh, I’m not giving up anything. My part on the show is quite small. I can either tape it from here and send it in or drive up to the capital once in a while for a live interview. I’ve already made the arrangements. The school board here is quite impressed and feels that my little segment will bring prestige to Magnolia Creek. And the show’s producers are very amenable and flexible to my schedule.”

  “What show is it?”

  “The Wake Up Show. It comes on at 5:30 and goes off at 7:00.”

  “Wow, that’s early. What’s your segment about anyway?”

  “Nutrition with easy, healthy recipes, basically just good cooking.”

  “Sounds like fun.”

  “I think so, too. So, I’m staying here, and I won’t leave until after Agnes departs.”

  “But she has no intention of ever leaving. She wants your job.”

  “I know, but I’m going to play Agnes’ game right along with her. I think I know of a way of getting rid of her,” Shirley stated enigmatically.

  “How?” asked Annie with enthusiasm.

  “No, I’m not ready to divulge anything yet. I need more time to work out my plan.”

  “But, Shirley, if you and I know what an idiot she is, why doesn’t anyone else know? Maybe she had an easy time getting the job, but why has she kept it?”

  “Remember, she always has been passed over for promotion. Somebody had some sense. And once you’ve been hired to work in this school district, it’s very difficult to lose your job, no matter how incompetent you may be. Besides, Agnes Henley is a big deal in this community. She puts on gigantic shows for the Garden Club and various charities, attends Mass regularly, although I don’t think she’s Catholic. It’s all an act, but it works so well because she believes it herself. But, you know, I wonder about her family. She’s always bragging about how wonderful they are and how much they adore her and depend on her. Somehow she overplays the domestic heaven routine just like she overplays everything else. I’ll bet you anything they feel the same way we do, only stronger. Can you imagine living with that woman?”

  “But there’s something else I don’t get.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve heard rumors that she’s rich. I mean, look at Henley House. It’s gorgeous. Why does she work here?”

  Shirley laughed again. “Yes, she is independently wealthy, or so she tells me all the time. But Agnes is one of those people who is impressed with anyone connected with education. She thinks her position
entitles her to respect as an academic and elevates her even more in the public eye and esteem.”

  “That’s the goofiest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “There are people who feel that way. However, they usually refer to teachers, not the people who plan school lunches.” Both women laughed, then Shirley said, “Can you feature Agnes in a classroom, controlling today’s students? Shhh, here she comes now,” she whispered as Agnes entered the outer office.

  “Agnes dear, do come in,” warbled Shirley.

  “Shirley, Annie,” Agnes said as she nodded to each one. Not wasting any time, she asked about the reason for the meeting. “What’s going on, Shirley? I’ve heard rumors that you are going back to your newspaper.”

  Shirley and Annie exchanged glances.

  “Is that a fact? No, Agnes, that’s not it at all.” Shirley was taking her time, hoping to aggravate Agnes.

  “What?” gasped Agnes.

  “I’m not going back to newspaper work. I’ve been offered a TV position in the capital.” She leaned back in her chair and reveled in the conflicting expressions that crept across Agnes’ face. First jealousy, because Shirley was offered a more prestigious job, then relief, because she would now get her coveted directorship.

  “Oh, that’s wonderful!” gushed Agnes after a long pause. “Congratulations. When will you be leaving?”

  “Oh,” replied Shirley slowly as she enjoyed bringing Agnes down a notch, “I’m not leaving. I intend to stay here and fulfill my duties. I can tape my segments for the TV show and send them in.” She hesitated, relishing the hatred that flashed in Agnes’ eyes that was quickly replaced by disappointment. She could see that Agnes was finding it difficult to control her feelings. Shirley continued happily, pretending to be oblivious to Agnes’ discomfort. “I owe my decision to you, dear Agnes.”

  Annie stifled a choking sound.

  “Wha-what do you mean?” stammered Agnes.

  “I owe all my knowledge to you and I know how much you fear all the responsibility that would go to you if you took over my job. Remember? You said something like that five years ago when I first came here.”