The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3

by Charles Dean

  “What? Why would I ever date him?” Kass immediately countered Stephanie’s hypothetical situation with a flustered retort.

  “No reason.” Stephanie giggled a little more as she came up near Kass. “But it’s not like it matters. What’s important now is that this bed is about to turn into prime gaming real estate, so I suggest you sit up and lean against the wall because I’m going to be scooting a television and a few gaming consoles over here for us to all play together.” Stephanie helped Kass do just as she had suggested before she plopped down next to her. “The only question left for the day is whether Darwin’s woman enough to keep up with me in some good, old-fashioned FPSs?”

  Darwin’s earlier frown returned and deepened. Why do you have to challenge me so harshly over a video game? And why does it have to be an FPS? “Hey, I can handle myself just fine.” He laughed as he moved an old, late-2000s console over and set it up as the two girls watched.

  “When you get to be my age, you should always strive to have a hot young man do all the manual labor while you watch,” Stephanie whispered to Kass loud enough for Darwin to hear. “It’s the best part of old age.”

  Darwin looked over to see Kass’s face redden like a ripe tomato. “I’m not even shirtless!” he protested in response to her ogling. “Can’t you wait?”

  “I’m pretty sure a bathrobe doesn’t count as a shirt,” Kass said, joining in with Stephanie’s laughter and smiling for the first time since Darwin had entered the room.

  “You know, I’ve got a few dollar bills around here. If I slip one in your robe-string-thing you could--” Stephanie couldn’t even finish her sentence as she cracked herself up.

  “Hey! Keep it PG!” Darwin continued to implore the two wanton women.

  The three of them continued in this fashion for the rest of the night: laughing, chuckling and having fun while playing games until, by the time the sun was due to rise the next day, they had all settled into an awkward lump on top of each other. Kass had managed to pass out propped up across both of them, her snoring louder than the gunfire in the games they were playing.

  -------

  The next day, Darwin walked up the stairs leading from the portal up to the main chamber of the dungeon along with Stephanie and Kass, the latter of whom had met the two Demons at the portal. Stephanie had kept a spare dive machine stashed away, and Kass felt nearly back to normal now that she was in Tiqpa.

  As they walked, Darwin looked over at where the boss den had been and found a veritable war room bustling with activity. Daniel, Alex and Kitchens were all poring over and marking up a collection of maps spread across several tables, and lots of new faces were rushing about and imbuing the place with a bustling excitement.

  “I see everyone’s busy. Did we get additional recruits?” Darwin asked, catching everyone’s attention as he continued to look around. What are they all working on? he wondered as he approached one of the tables.

  “Yeah, we’ve had a long day organizing battle formations, strategies and contingencies, but we’ve made a lot of progress,” Daniel said as he came up to Darwin’s side.

  “Great Lord Darwin!” Alex called from one of the tables, immediately jumping over it and running towards Darwin. “I was told you had been kept away by extenuating circumstances regarding your health. Everyone was worried.”

  “I can see that.” Darwin grinned as he looked around at his faithful companions, each filing in one after the other to create a semicircle several rows deep in front of him.

  “Great Lord Darwin” --Alex gave a half bow as he spoke the title-- “to show that our hearts were still with you, we worked all night towards the cause you have taken up. We feared the worst and redoubled our efforts to ensure that your vision would become manifest and that your legacy would continue.”

  So that my legacy would continue? What is my vision that they were working hard to make a reality? “That’s excellent. Let me get settled in for a moment, Alex, and I’ll come by your war table so that you can bring me up to speed. Perhaps you can also show me how the new recruits are performing and give me a few status updates as well?”

  “Yes, Great Lord Darwin, I’ll prepare them right away. Men, our task has just begun!” Alex disappeared with all of the other NPCs, leaving only Daniel, Kitchens, Minx, Mclean, Valerie and Fuzzy Wuzzy behind.

  “So, now that they’re gone, how are you?” Kitchens asked, his brow furrowed a bit, likely with concern.

  “I’m great.” Darwin didn’t have to lie. He was. He had come to terms with the fact that Charles was right: He easily killed people whom he didn’t consider his own, whom he didn’t feel some connection to or responsibility for. He just didn’t care about that anymore. Right or wrong, there were choices that had to be made. Whether for better or worse, the number of casualties could climb to billions, and he would still choose his demons over someone else’s people. His peace with that fact wasn’t just because he had come to terms with the truth that he valued them over others, that he valued the life of someone like Alex over that of the Panda King, but also because he had come to terms with the reality that he was a killer. “Yeah, I’m just fine. Except,” he looked at his health bar, “I’ve been too long without feeding the Hunger skill. I think I need to get out on the battlefield soon.” He patted his sword, acknowledging the growing itch to use it. It’s okay, we’ll feed you soon enough.

  “Ah. We already thought about that. Here you go.” Mclean pulled a red snow cone monster, which had somehow been incapacitated, out of her inventory and tossed it towards Darwin. “We have some more locked away in a prison. We weren’t sure how close to death you would be when we saw you again, so we went and got you a bunch of prey to kill.”

  They are so thoughtful. Darwin grinned as his sword cut the red snow cone in two while it floated in the air halfway between him and Mclean. “Well, I guess that only leaves us with one thing left to do: come up with more prey for our army.”

  “Are the snow cones going to be enough to hold you off? We remember you went crazy when you didn’t kill anything for a few hours outside of Peh-Ting Zhou.” Kitchens stare was filled with worry, even if it would be hard for most people to pick up on.

  “Yeah, it should be good now,” Darwin guessed. He couldn’t be certain, but ever since he had received the crown, since he had come to terms with his nature, he had begun to feel like the madness wouldn’t be rearing its head any time soon. He had even hypothesized last night as he gamed that it wasn’t triggered by the lack of killing or the need to kill, but his own internal struggles with his nature breaking through his psyche. A race that could never accept itself as anything less than saints coming to terms with the part of them that was bloodthirsty must have naturally created a lot of psychological problems, forcing them to repress their conscience to satiate their hunger.

  “Well, if you say so,” Mclean gave a half smile to match Kitchens’ own unhappy look at the answer. “Anyway, I remember we talked about Jotunnheim, and Alex has already put together a lot of maps covering both the city and its surrounding environs. We’ve even assembled detailed layouts of their political structure,” Mclean said. “But . . . Well, I can’t join you tonight if you attack that soon.”

  “Why not?” This time he wanted to ask her if she was okay.

  “I’d love to, but . . . Well, I have to go to work tomorrow. My vacation is over, and I need to get back to the daily grind.”

  “School doesn’t start back for a few days for me.” Minx snuggled into Fuzzy Wuzzy. “But they say no pets allowed. Fuzzy Wuzzy, you’re not a pet, are you?” Minx hugged Fuzzy Wuzzy’s big arm. “You’re not a pet . . . You can come, right?” she then pouted. “Ugh, why can’t you be my Fuzzy Wuzzy in real life!”

  “Because if he were in real life, I’m pretty sure your principle would still have an issue with you bringing a giant bear into the classroom.” Kitchens shook his head in dismay. “You are definitely your mother’s daughter.”

  “Well, I might not have school,
but like Minx, I definitely have work soon. I start back tomorrow too,” Daniel chimed in. “It’s been a fun ride, but things have to come to an end sooner or later.”

  “Do they?” Stephanie looked around at the group of players that made up Darwin’s inner circle. “Of course, Minx, you would still need an education. Someone needs to teach you how to tie a tie properly, after all,” she said as she picked Minx up, stretched out her arms and then clasped her around Fuzzy Wuzzy’s neck. “There, that looks like much better than the last one. Everyone, what if I could promise you a healthy salary every month plus room and board with dental? Would you mind coming to work for me?”

  “Huh? Doing what?” Valerie asked, looking skeptical. “I mean, I may have gotten some movement back in my legs, but I still have no work experience.”

  “Sure you do--at least the kind you need, anyway.” Stephanie circled Valerie like a dog sniffing around a piece of meat. “After all, the only thing I’ll need you to do is take over Tiqpa for my Darwin.”

  “And you’ll pay?” Mclean brandished her knives. “Three thousand a month?” she asked, inserting a number into the conversation.

  “I’ll make it twelve thousand and have a contract to you within the hour,” Stephanie beamed. “After all, I’m kind of filthy rich, and my partner just passed away leaving me all of his wealth too.”

  “Why would you do that though?” Kitchens looked skeptical. “I mean, I am assuming the offer extends to me too, right?”

  “Yeah. It does. I am doing it for my own reasons. One contract, one plane ticket, less than an hour. You can verify the writing and wait for the first check to clear. I’ll pay you three months in advance. You guys in or out?” Stephanie asked, pressing her offer.

  “I’m in,” Mclean said without hesitation. “Do I need to log out?”

  “Yeah, you will. I’ll use your payment records at Tiqpa to get your info, so don’t worry about sending it,” Stephanie said, and Mclean’s avatar disappeared almost as soon as she he had finished speaking.

  “Paid to play games . . . This will shoot my resume . . . Screw it. I’m in.” Daniel vanished too.

  “And here Mom thought I’d spend the rest of my days as an unemployed bed-rester.” Valerie laughed as her own image faded.

  “I’m assuming the chef can bake good cookies, right?” Kitchens asked.

  “The best,” Darwin answered for Stephanie, and then Kitchens logged off too.

  Minx looked at Stephanie grumpily. “You’re taking away one of my last days to play with my dad before vacation ends.” She stuck out her tongue at Stephanie. “That offer better be good when I graduate. Come on, Fuzzy, we’re out of here!”

  “There are schools in this area if you want to have things discussed. We can get you the best private teachers if you want to stay with your dad,” Stephanie said. “You won’t have to put up with the mean bullies at your current school.”

  “Umm . . . Well, I need to go talk about things then.” Minx disappeared from her perch atop the giant black bear.

  “And then there were three.” Darwin looked over at Stephanie. “So why did you do that?”

  “Because it’s important to me that the StormGuard Alliance grows, and we already know that you can trust this group of people. They know a lot more than they let on, and they’ve kept your secrets and your best interest in mind ever since they met you. That loyalty isn’t something you can usually buy. Plus, they need the money. Did you see how fast they jumped at joining up with a stranger when I offered cash in advance?”

  “Yeah, but . . .” Darwin’s face scrunched up. “It doesn’t make sense.”

  “Charles wasn’t wrong, Darwin. I want to take over the real world, and this is an important step. After all, our little family has already grown by two more girls in the real world.” Stephanie smiled coyly as she spoke.

  “You’re expecting twins?!” Darwin’s mouth popped open like a champagne cork shooting off the bottle as he misinterpreted Stephanie’s statement.

  “No, Dar Dar, I meant . . . Well, look at Kass!” Stephanie hit Darwin’s chest.

  Darwin looked over at the first friend he had made in Tiqpa. She’s paler than she was yesterday, he noted. She’s grown paler than she was when we first met. She’s almost as pale as Eve now, and her hair is darker . . . So that’s your game plan, eh? Darwin suddenly understood. First Valerie and Kass, then you want to restore our race one-by-one. If we have an eternity, then it will only be a matter of time--time that we have--until you get your way. “Alright, I get it.”

  “I don’t. What do you mean about me? Is there something on my face?” Kass poked around her face feeling for anything unusual or something that might have changed. “Ugh. Where is a mirror? I knew I shouldn’t have eaten spinach this morning. It’s in my teeth, isn’t it?”

  “No, you’re just a bit pale. Are you sure you’re feeling well enough to be here with us? I mean, you’re still recovering, right?” Darwin asked.

  “Yeah, it’s fine. For some reason, I felt a lot better this morning,” she said, patting her stomach. “I’m probably only going to play an hour or two more and then go call my dad. Oh! Right! Stephanie, if you can pretend like you're one of my friends from college, and we just had a rough night last night, that’d be great. I need you to vouch for me since my dad thought I was lying last night when I told him that I was at a friend’s place and wouldn’t be coming home. I mean, he didn’t call me out on it, but he totally had that judgmental tone.”

  “Yeah, I got it. I’ll cover for you. But you’re going to sign the contract too, right? I mean, you’re one of us.” Stephanie said, putting Kass on the spot.

  “Steady employment for playing games? That’s exactly what I’m in for. But . . . I’d like to actually work at the Tiqpa offices with the designers, my dad especially, if you can arrange that. I know gaming is good and all, but trying to avoid real work hasn’t turned out great for me lately.” Kass poked her belly where the gunshots had been.

  “No problem.” Stephanie smiled ear to ear. “It’s good to hear you want to get real work done.”

  “Well, if this touching moment is over, I need to go wrap up with Alex. He seemed pretty eager to show me some things. Do you want to come along and inspect the troops, or do you have to go send out those contracts? By the way, do I get paid too, or do I need to go find my office and tell them I’m not dead yet?” Darwin laughed.

  “What’s mine is yours, dear.”

  “So . . .” Darwin waited for Stephanie to give him a real answer.

  “No, you don’t need to go back to that pencil-pushing job,” Stephanie laughed. “But you should probably call the police and tell them that you’re not missing. You’ll be questioned about that unfortunate incident in your apartment, but I’ll make sure that all gets swept neatly under the rug. Also, we may need to stop by your place later and pick up any of the old things you want that were left behind. Anyway, let’s go check things out!”

  Things that I might need that I’ve left behind? No, I’m happy just leaving everything from that life behind. Darwin grinned. “You sure you don’t need to send those contracts out? I mean, they are going to be waiting on them.”

  “I already knew everyone would agree, so I had it arranged while you were trying to figure out why Kass was running circles around you like a Kenyan track star at your favorite game.” Stephanie’s smile and laugh must have been contagious as they both spread to Kass.

  “It’s not my fault your oafish big fingers can’t operate a controller that small,” Kass chimed in. “Or let’s at least hope that’s the reason since his character was bumbling around worse than a staggering drunk attempting parkour.” Stephanie had verbally stabbed him, but Kass had just dug the knife further in.

  “That’s it. I’m going to have to play solo-RPGs from now on.” Darwin threw up his hands in defeat.

  “Come on, you big baby, let’s go see what Alex has to show us.” Stephanie took one of the hands Darwin had thrown in the air,
pulled it down and promptly latched onto it, starting to walk towards Alex and dragging Darwin with her.

  Darwin smiled. This is the good life, he thought as he followed after Stephanie for a moment. Kass joined them, walking on his other side as she fiddled around with her staff. “I really need to get some levels and replace this,” she mumbled.

  “We’ll have plenty of time,” Darwin said before reaching up and unconsciously adjusting his crown.

  Reliquary

  The Monster Manual:

  Beetle-Bee: With one horn in the front and one horn in the back, the four-foot-long Beetle-Bee is deadly from both ends. Its favorite method of attacking is using its wings to propel it into its foe horn first and swinging its stinger into the enemy as soon as impact occurs.

  Strengths: Japanese gambling games, flower collecting.

  Weaknesses: Strong winds, alcohol (A drunk Beetle-Bee is more sad than deadly.)

  Black Bear: Sometimes a bear is just a bear, and that’s all there is to it. With nothing but muscles, claws and an appetite greater than its cuteness, beware of the bear.

  Strengths: Bear arms, salmon, napping.

  Weaknesses: Honeypots, bees, overnapping.

  Blue-Drakes: Contrary to popular belief, the color of the drake’s skin does not change the element it shoots out of its mouth. Instead, it just makes it harder to spot on a nice sunny day with a clear blue sky. Acting as a sort of camouflage, the blue scales help it sneak up on unsuspecting forest creatures when the drake decides it is time for a barbeque. A very handy trick to have on a Saturday afternoon.

  Strengths: Doesn’t ever need a lighter, wingmen often have actual wings, can disco dance with amazing talent.

  Weaknesses: The Blue-Drake will often accidently burn its own TV when watching sports due to the difficulty of controlling flames while cheering.