Saying Good-bye to London

by Julie Burtinshaw

  They left the exam room together. Kevin raised his eyebrows when he saw his friend. “Not good,” Francis mouthed. He felt sick. How was he going to explain this to his parents? Maybe he wouldn’t have to.

  Outside the clinic, they huddled together. Sawyer clutched the prescription in her hand. “I’m glad you came,” she said to Francis. “I was afraid you wouldn’t.”

  Jack pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. “He would have had to answer to me if he no-showed.” He scowled at Francis. “This is your fault as much as it is hers.” He took a drag, the smoke filling his lungs, and exhaled slowly. “God, I can’t believe this is happening.”

  For once he spoke for all of them.

  Kevin took hold of Francis’s arm. “If it’s okay with you guys, I think we’re going to head home. I think Francis needs some time to digest this.”

  “Uh-huh.” Francis was still reeling from the confirmation of his worst nightmare. All he could think was, maybe he’d get away with it. Maybe his parents wouldn’t have to know. “I’m dead,” he said to nobody in particular.

  “I’m glad you came, both of you.” Sawyer pushed a brochure toward Francis. Dr. Chung said you have to read this. Go home and read it and then we’ll talk. And I mean it: Thanks for coming. It’s not good, but it’s better if I have you.”

  “Come on. We’ve got a prescription to fill.” Jack shot Francis a warning look. “Don’t disappear again,” he threatened. “She needs you.”

  Kevin stepped toward Jack. “Back off. Do you think this is easy for him?” Kevin was much smaller than Jack, and his unexpected aggression shocked them all.

  “Take it easy, bro.” Jack held up his hands. “Just make sure your friend does his homework. Whatever happens is going to be a group decision. It can’t all be on Sawyer’s shoulders.”

  “Got it. Come on, Francis. We’ve got a bus to catch.”

  Francis, too shocked to do anything except follow Kevin’s lead, obeyed. Once on the bus, he pulled out the pamphlet Sawyer had given him: From Conception to Birth. The more he read, the worse he felt.

  So you’re having a baby—those five words made the whole situation horribly real, but the following explanations drove another terrible truth home:

  You may need some time to think about your choices. Counseling may help you to decide what is best for you. If you’re comfortable, you can start by talking with your doctor. Family planning clinics also offer counseling to help you decide what is best for you. You may also want to talk with someone close to you who understands how pregnancy and raising a child would affect your life. Carefully think through your choices, which are to:

  Have a baby, and support and raise your child to adulthood.

  Have a baby, and place the baby for adoption.

  Have an abortion.

  “Do you think that means it’s too late to, you know, abort the baby?” Kevin wondered out loud.

  “How the eff should I know? And it’s not human. It’s not a baby. It’s a fetus.”

  “Well, you should know. That’s your whole problem,” Kevin snapped. “You’re lazy. It’s time you started educating yourself and stopped blaming your girlfriend. It takes two to make a kid.”

  “Whose side are you on, anyway? How was I supposed to know this would happen?”

  “You know, Francis, you can be a jerk sometimes. First you jump to conclusions, then you blame Sawyer, you don’t listen, and when you do, you don’t accept anything. News flash! Shit happens in life. You have to learn to deal with it. And while we’re on the subject, I was in the same sex-ed class as you, so don’t give me that BS about just being some poor, ignorant kid.”

  “Easy for you to say. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’d change places with you in a second, and then we’d see how great you are at handling shit.”

  As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Francis regretted them, but he didn’t take them back. Instead, he said, “I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I hope Jack is the dad. Not me.”

  Chapter Seven

  By the fourth month, your baby weighs around 1.6 ounces (45g) and is about 4 inches (10cm) long. Its arms, legs, hands, and feet are very distinct. The nervous system is developed and the muscles are forming so the fetus begins to move. The movements are very small but quite sudden.

  Excerpt: From Conception to Birth

  The wet weather had not subsided by the end of the week, nor had Francis’s dark mood. It didn’t help when he left school on a gloomy Friday afternoon and spotted Jack huddled beneath a tattered umbrella under the cheerless December sky. Now what? he griped to himself.

  Jack looked nervous. He hovered at the edge of the wide, tree-lined cobblestone driveway and shuffled from foot to foot. Francis couldn’t tell if he was just cold, or on edge. He hoped the latter. In his dark clothes, Jack brought to mind a raven stuck in an enclosure of peacocks. Jack stood out.

  On closer observation, Francis saw that unease radiated off him as he eyed the flow of uniformed boys pouring out of the school, full of anticipation for the weekend that lay ahead, while their well-dressed mothers talked about spa days and dinners out and exotic trips.

  Obviously, he was looking for Francis in the crowd. But he’d be hard to pick out because all the boys wore a uniform—pressed, gray flannel pants, blue ties, and gray blazers that sported yellow-and-red crests. As they poured out into the wet, sad afternoon, some threw curious glances at Jack, but most ignored him. Francis didn’t have that choice. He skirted the cluster of parents and loyal nannies waiting patiently for their charges at the bottom of the stone staircase and approached from behind so that Jack wouldn’t have the advantage of seeing him first.

  He had no doubt about what Jack was after. It had been nearly a week since he’d spoken to Sawyer, longer since he’d seen her, a lot longer. Although she’d made many attempts to contact him, texting and calling daily, he’d ignored every one. It wasn’t that he was a jerk or that he was angry with her. No. The truth was, he just couldn’t deal with the whole baby thing. He’d justified his behavior in a million different ways, but in the end, he was forced to admit that he was a shit and a coward, and so be it.

  Besides, hadn’t Sawyer chosen Jack over him? Wasn’t he sleeping under the same roof as her every night? He sighed and edged closer to Jack, his whole body on alert.

  Jack was soaked. He’d been waiting for more than forty-five minutes for the final bell that signaled the end of the school day, unaware that private schools got out later than public schools.

  Francis thought about sneaking out the back entrance, but knew this was probably a confrontation he couldn’t avoid. Jack wouldn’t stop looking for him until he’d found him. At least I have surprise on my side, he mused as he reached out and tapped Jack on the shoulder. “What are you doing here?” He did his best to sound menacing.

  Jack swung around, fists up, but when he saw Francis, a look of relief flashed in his eyes. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. You’re liable to get hurt.”

  “Yeah, and you shouldn’t stalk people. You might get hurt too,” Francis retorted.

  “Relax, Francis. I’m not here to cause trouble.” He pointed at the school motto emblazed on Francis’s jacket. Hudson Preparatory School. Strive to be your best. “Nice sentiment. You should try to live up to it.”

  “Why are you here? Oh, let me guess: Sawyer sent you?”

  “Not exactly.” Jack sighed. “She’d kill me if she had any idea.” He seemed sincere and a bit nervous, which surprised Francis and made him feel like he had the advantage for once.

  Francis noticed they’d drawn the attention of a few kids. “Let’s get out of here.” He started to walk toward the gates, but Jack stayed put.

  “Come on. We can walk and talk.”

  “What’s the hurry? Are you ashamed to be seen with a guy like me?”

 
; “You’re trespassing. I could call security.”

  “Is that the best you’ve got?”

  “We have nothing to talk about.” Francis kept walking.

  Jack shook his head. “All right. Have it your way, but you should know that it cost me fifteen bucks for a cab to get here and I’m going to be late for work. I’m not leaving until I’ve said what I came to say.” He paused. “Nice school, by the way,” he added.

  “I’m a scholarship student,” Francis defended.

  “Yeah. I heard. One thing’s for sure—I couldn’t have survived in a school without girls.”

  “It’s not as bad as you might think.”

  “It is. Boys can be assholes. And then they grow into asshole men.”

  “Thanks for that. Asshole men that steal other guys’ girlfriends, you mean?”

  Jack’s eyes narrowed, but he refused to rise to the bait. “Like I said, Sawyer would kill me if she knew I was here, but there’s something you need to know.”

  “Yeah, well, this better be good. I’ve got soccer practice and I can’t be late again.”

  They stopped walking and ducked under the broad leaves of an old oak tree. Francis pulled his collar up, but the rain was relentless. Jack’s umbrella threatened to turn inside out with one more gust of wind. They’d reached a standoff. “Can we get on with this?” Francis said.

  “Sure, but like I said, we have to keep this between us. Sawyer would be choked if she knew I were here.”

  “We’re not exactly talking these days,” Francis admitted.

  “That’s because you’ve blocked her in every way possible.”

  “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

  “I’m not here to argue with you.”

  “So why are you here, then?”

  “Because you’re being a jerk and she needs you right now.”

  “She does? Why? Are you not enough for her?” What right did this guy have to call him a jerk? “What the hell is your problem?”

  “I’ve got a shitload of problems,” Jack exploded. He ticked them off with his fingers. “Let’s see. I’ve got nowhere to live, which you might not think is such a big deal, ’cause in my position, you’d probably just check into the nearest hotel, and, let’s see…I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I guess a rich kid like you never has to think about money, though. Plus, I’ve got you assuming something that’s all bullshit. I’m not interested in Sawyer that way. You are the dad. Not me. Don’t take my word for it. Take the blood test. Are all rich kids this stubborn?”

  Jack’s observations stunned Francis. Was this how strangers saw him—a spoiled kid with no worries in the world? “Dude, like I told you, I’m on a scholarship here. I’m not rich, so screw you. That chip on your shoulder is going to kill you. And Sawyer is pregnant and suddenly you’re not interested in her ‘that way’? Give me a fucking break. You can’t pin this on me. I’m not going to fuck up my whole life to save your ass.”

  Jack shook his head in disgust. “The baby is not mine,” he said, slowly emphasizing each word. “Not mine,” he repeated, just in case Francis was as stupid as he was acting. “And by the way, have you ever heard of protection, shithead?”

  “Hey. I don’t need a self-righteous lecture on birth control, especially from you. Besides, we only did it once without protection.”

  “You’re such an ass,” Jack observed.

  “So, Jack. Tell me. What makes you so certain that you’re not the father? I know you’ve slept together, so don’t try to deny it. She already admitted that I wasn’t the first guy she’d slept with.”

  Jack stopped. He placed both hands on Francis’s chest and pushed him—hard.

  Francis fell backward. “You’ll regret that,” he threatened as he struggled to find his footing on the slick sidewalk.

  “Listen to me! I can assure you, Sawyer and I are the best of friends, and yes, we’ve known each other since she moved here. I can also attest that we’ve slept in the same bed many times and I’ve spent lots of nights on her sofa. However, we have never, ever, ever had sex.”

  “And you expect me to believe that?”

  “Yeah, I do. You see, Francis, there’s something you should know about me.”

  “I can hardly wait.”

  Jack regarded Francis unflinchingly. “I’d rather sleep with you.”

  Francis’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck? You better watch what you are saying.”

  “Chill, Francis. I’m gay.” Jack crossed his arms across his chest. “As in, I don’t like girls that way.”

  Francis froze, but he still didn’t believe Jack. “I think you’re full of shit. I would have noticed.”

  Jack scowled. “That’s what all the straight guys who have no gaydar say.”

  “Why didn’t Sawyer tell me, then?” Francis demanded.

  “Because it didn’t matter. Because it was none of your bloody business. Until now.” Jack spun around. “Screw you. I’m done here. I’ll see you later. And don’t tell Sawyer I talked to you, or I’ll do more than just shove you to the ground. Act like a man. Call her.”

  “I’m not making any promises.” Stunned, Francis remained rooted to the sidewalk long after Jack marched away. He didn’t want to believe a word Jack said, but he sensed the truth. “Shit,” he said, his mind reeling. “Double shit!” Just like that, his whole world had spun out of control.

  He had only a few minutes to get to practice. He sprinted down the street and arrived seconds before the whistle blew. He played badly. He fumbled the ball. He found it impossible to concentrate. Sawyer was pregnant. Jack was gay, so he was cleared of all responsibility. He, Francis, was the dad of the kid. How could there be a kid? he asked himself for the hundredth time. They’d done it only once without a condom. He stared up at the angry sky and thought about how he’d been so jealous of Jack. Crap! He’d made a complete fool of himself. “God,” he muttered to himself. “I am such a loser.” The ball sailed over his head and landed between the goalposts. “Sloan!” Coach’s angry whistle brought him back to the present. “Sloan! Either get your head into the game or get off the field and go home. Sloan! Can you hear me?”

  “Yes, Coach. Sorry, Coach.” Francis kicked the ball out of the goal to his forward. It curved and went out of bounds. “I’ll focus. I promise.”

  “Nope. Too late for sorry. Pack up your stuff and get out of the goal before I bench you for a game.”

  Maybe the worst thing about getting kicked off the field was sitting in the cold and watching his teammates play. Yet he caught an unexpected break from the guys; they left him alone. He would almost have preferred snide comments to awkward silences and averted eyes. Even Kevin stayed silent as Francis trotted to the sidelines and removed his cleats. He kept his eyes on the practice while his mind explored the mess he’d made of his life.

  And if Jack was right, Sawyer’s life too.

  At halftime, he braced himself for the lecture. Instead, Coach gave him a fatherly thump on the shoulder. “A word,” he said, drawing him away from the other boys.

  “I’m sorry—” Francis began.

  Coach ignored him. “Sloan, I know Croyden is your best friend, and I know you’re close to his family,” he said gruffly. He gestured toward the rest of the team. “The boys reminded me that you’re going through a tough time, supporting Kevin. Take a few days. Do what you have to do to help Kevin, and come back when you’re ready.” He eyed Francis expectantly. “Deal?”

  “Deal,” Francis muttered, hating to use Kevin’s situation as an excuse. He was a fraud on top of everything else.

  “Then stop looking so glum. Shape up. I’ll see you back out here in better form—sooner, I hope, rather than later.”

  Francis walked slowly home, his mind reeling.

  When he stumbled in, he found his mom curled up on the couch reading. “Hi, hone
y. You’re home early.” She put down her book and studied him. “Are you okay?” Francis answered her question with one of his own. “Where are the Terrible Twins?” He wanted to get down on the floor and wrestle with them as if nothing had changed in his world.

  “They’ve got a playdate. Peace reigns in the Sloan household for a few hours.” She smiled weakly. “Honey?”

  He suddenly missed his father. “When’s Dad home?”

  “Tomorrow, but can’t I help out?”

  “I’m okay,” Francis fibbed, forcing his lips to curl up in a smile. He didn’t think he’d fooled her, though.

  Her brow crinkled. “How was practice?”

  “I got kicked off the field.”

  “Well, that’s a first,” she said worriedly. “What did you do?”

  “I couldn’t concentrate.” To his surprise, his eyes welled up. He swallowed hard. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. You know, Kevin’s dad…”

  “Aw, honey.”

  “I’m going to take a shower and sleep for a while.”

  “No snack?”

  “Not hungry. I just need to chill, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  At least he’d avoided the usual inquisition. He fell onto his bed and fixed his eyes on the ceiling. I need someone to talk to. He couldn’t confide in his mom. If only his dad wasn’t on the other side of the world. He couldn’t call him; some things couldn’t be said over the phone. How am I going to tell them about Sawyer’s pregnancy? Just thinking about that conversation made him sick. Once, he could have counted on Kevin, but not now. He had his own problems to deal with. What about calling Sawyer? No way. He’d rather chew on broken glass than go crawling to her. After all, she pushed me into having sex in the first place, didn’t she? It was her responsibility to be on the pill, not mine…I don’t really believe that. One thing he did believe: He’d screwed up badly.

  So that left Jack. Jack was pissed at him, but he cared about Sawyer, and Jack might be helpful. He’d never had a gay friend. Would it look like a come-on? Jesus, Francis. Get a grip. Call him. There’s nobody else.