“No shit?” He says with a smile.
I nod. “No shit.”
“Dude that is bad ass!”
I laugh as the doors open. “Right!” I say and we laugh making our way in to change little Axe’s fate.
By the time I left Craig’s office I had an appointment scheduled with Shelby Clintwood the number one custody lawyer in the nation at eight am in the morning. Axe would be going with me and that was when Shame dropped the loaded question. “Dude he is two. You got a car seat right?”
I called my mom assuming that Jenny left a car seat for Axe, not surprised at all that she hadn’t. Worked up with injustice on my son’s behalf I toss my phone on the floor of my Jeep and hit the wheel. Shame standing just at the window sighs and grabs his phone and starts typing. I assume or at the very least hope he is googling how to buy a car seat, install a car seat, and buckle a car seat...
I watch wondering what the hell he is doing and trying not to panic when he looks at me. “You need to come clean now. I just text Carrie and Chad and told them we were stopping by.” He slaps the side of my Jeep door when I go to protest. “Dude they have a kid about the same age, not me. We need facts about how to parent this kid safe Cal.”
I laugh. “We?” I say and roll my eyes.
“It takes an entire band to raise a TAT kid.”
Cal
By the time we get to Carrie and Chads I can’t help but notice Noah’s car parked there. Things have been strained between us for the last few months since he left the band, a decision I am not ever going to accept.
By the time I am out of my Jeep I see Cassa pull in behind Shame. The major grin on her face tells me Shame spilled the beans already. The fact she is skipping and squealing in glee as she charges me confirms all suspicions. “Oh my God Cal! Congratulations! What a fucking bitch but congratulations to you.”
I wish I could feel her excitement but instead all I feel is worry and a hell of a lot of anger and I am so confused. Here is this little kid who I will do anything to protect because the only good thing his mom ever did for him was bring him home to me... and name him Axe. Seriously, kid has ‘son-of-a-rock-star’ all over that name.
“I don’t know if this is a celebration yet.” I say and fist my hands in my pockets.
“No matter what hun, this little boy is a gift and you celebrate that.” I know that Cassa would give her very soul to have a child and I feel like shit.
“You’re right baby girl. Absolutely.”
Her smile has me believing those words, and I follow them into the house in hopes of leaving with a damn clue.
I look at my friends, the second family I have by any rights, as they all look at me like I have two heads. Shame and Sass on the same side of the kitchen counter as me, Chad, Noah and Carrie, sitting stunned on the bar stools across from us.
“Oh, and no Tayla doesn’t know and I want this top secret until I have answers to the questions I know she’ll ask me.” I say and watch as Noah gives me a look with a hint of anger in it. He holds against me the fact I denied my love for Tayla the very night Cans died. I don’t know if he will ever forgive me for it. “I don’t want to kill any possible chance when I am hoping for a small one with her. Until I have the facts I don’t want this in her head.”
“Cal that is a pretty bold plan.” Noah says and I don’t know why that all I feel when I am around him anymore is that he wants to egg me on.
“Look I already have so much to make up for, but bringing this kid into it after the hell I can guess he’s been in his whole life, I don’t know man, I don’t want to fuck this kid up anymore. I know Tay; she’ll want to be involved. She will research every law out there and make it her mission and there are no guarantees he is mine. I need it separate for now.”
Noah watches me intensely for what feels like forever then nods. “I get it. It makes sense to keep them separate until we know. Just don’t want this to blow up in your face man. If you really are going to fix this thing with Tay then you need to do it honestly. When you know, she needs to be your first call.”
I nod and sigh completely burnt out on the day’s events.
“I don’t know what to say other than congrats Cal.” Carrie says and comes to hug me tight. “One of my most favorite things about you is how you are with Noelle. Axe is a lucky boy to have you for a father.” I hug her close, grateful for what she said.
“Dude congrats on the new dude and the killer name. At least she did right by him there and didn’t name him something un-rock star like Carl or Bradly.” Noah says and he has a soft smile as he holds his fist out and we tap knuckles.
“That is what I said earlier. That name and bringing him to me are the smartest choices she made in her life for damn sure.”
“Okay seriously you guys are acting like idiots with the name choice. Axe is a tool for chopping wood.” Carrie says and Chad clears his throat.
“No baby that is a bad ass name.” He says and we guys agree.
“Why is it so amazing?” She asks and as if on cue myself, Shamus, Noah and Chad all answer in unison.
“Axel Rose.” And then we start laughing while Carrie groans and Cassa laughs with an ‘Oh good hell.”
We laugh and chat more on all the shit that comes with a kid. That feeling of missing out is back though as I listen to Carrie and Chad and the plethora of questions I have no answer too. Finally it is all so much I snap.
“Look. I just met him today. I have no clue if he can crawl let alone walk but I am guessing no. I highly doubt he has seen a doctor since the day he left the hospital. I don’t know what he eats, drinks, sleeping patterns I don’t even know what a sleeping pattern is. I don’t have a single damn thing for him and so just get your shit and take me shopping because talking is making me freak out.”
Carrie is on it, grabbing her purse and my arm telling Chad over her shoulder that she will be back later. I don’t know how she knew what I needed but I was grateful for the lack of my personal peanut gallery seeing my panic attack. She links her arm through mine as we walk to my Jeep. “You are going to be fine Cal. I got your back, we all do. Now first things first we need a car seat and then we are getting little Axe and going shopping.”
I let her lead the way and trust she knows her shit.
By the time Axe and I get home from spending more money in a single store than I ever thought imaginable, I feel like I have a head start on getting this boy in a stable situation. I bought him everything Carrie pointed at. I bought him toys that will help him learn as well as some toys that I most definitely will be able to play with him.
We got his entire bedroom set and this crib that will turn into a regular bed when he is ready and everything is being delivered tomorrow.
“What are you thinking for a nursery theme?” Carrie asked me earlier when we walked into the furniture store in Renton. We had swapped kids for a minute and I think it was because Carrie being a female made Axe feels a little more comfortable, so I had Noelle on my shoulders and Carrie held my son in her arms with his little arms wrapped around her neck.
“Theme?” I ask and grab Noelle letting her slide off my back as we come to a Disney Princess display for a young girl’s room. “And we are losing her.” I say as Noelle runs toward the princess room.
Carrie laughs and hands me my son, my heart melting as those tiny arms wrap just as tight around my neck. Carrie rushes after Noelle and looks at me over her shoulder. “This is a theme.” She says and indicates the princess decorations for the display.
I watch Carrie chase Noelle as she begs for her own princess room and I look to my son who has no idea what a princess is. “No theme Care.” I say and make my way to the children’s bedding and find solid prints. “Axe, do you like any of these best?” I ask him, and he looks at me with that same vacant stare that breaks my heart. I want him to pick a color or get excited. He doesn’t, so I go with blue a bright blue.
I can feel Carrie watching me and my interaction with Axe. “See this col
or of blue is the same as Superman’s cape. You probably don’t know who Superman is but before the weekend is out you will.” I grab all the various sheets blankets and various items I assume his bed needs and I look to Carrie for her approval and see tears in her eyes.
“What?” I ask and look at all the shit in my basket and wonder if I went overboard.
“He is so lucky to have you Cal.” She says and comes to us and hugs me with one arm while Noelle in her arms pokes Axe in the belly making him laugh. Carrie and I both pause at the sound.
“Did she get your belly?” I ask Axe in a playful voice and he bashfully buries his head in my neck.
“You heard it right?” I ask her and she nods, and respects me enough to not make a huge scene about it.
“Why no theme?” She asks and looks at all the boy design stuff. There are little baby monkeys to The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
“He hasn’t any clue what the hell any of this is Carrie. I get him Superman and he ends up digging the Turtles. I don’t know. I just feel like he hasn’t ever had a choice and I want him to have a choice.”
Tayla
No one will call me back let alone answer their phones. I have left seven, SEVEN messages for Cal who I always do business with and he isn’t calling me back. I am now on my way to get a tattoo from Noah and I will be demanding he speak up. He quit the band and I accepted it. I didn’t like it but I have never gone through what he has and so I won’t judge him. That being said the fact he isn’t my client will make pumping him for info a hell of a lot easier.
I walk in and am assaulted with Korn singing ‘Got the life’. I look around the studio, my eyes falling on Sam and that signature wink and sexy smile he graces me with. “Hey Pet. You ready for the piece?” He asks me and kisses me along my jaw.
We have a great dynamic Sam and I. We can kiss and talk and be less lonely and do so without hurting one another. Sam belongs to another, a woman who will never give him a second chance, but one he loves with endless sorrow. He talks to me about Daja and I can talk to him about Cal.
“I am. Is he ready?” I ask and make my way to Noah’s booth.
“Yep. I think he’s excited actually.” He says and I feel this comforting feeling from my nose to my toes. My tattoo he is doing today is honoring Candey with a lollipop on my ankle.
“I hope so. I want him to come around again one day.” I say and I mean it only as his friend. Unlike the rest of the band, I accept that he doesn’t wish to return to TAT but more importantly I support it. I know what this life can do to a man and that is an average man. Noah and his past, now with the death of Candey too, I understand his need to live a simpler life. That all being said, I know Noah Beckett and he will return one day.
“In time pet.” He says and kisses the top of my head as Noah turns to see me in his booth.
“Hey there sweets.” He says and shuffles some papers on the drawing table and hands me the drawing he worked up. It is simple and yet so her. “I went with the sort of sucker she’d want. I don’t know, I think she’d see this on a display in a store and buy it just for the cuteness of it.” He says it with certainty and the note of longing and sadness in his eyes doesn’t go unnoticed.
I look at the sucker and smile because he is spot on. It is a simple gum ball sucker in bright bold pink with a ribbon around the base that is covered in cherries. This has Candey all over it.
“Perfect Noah.” I say and mean it with everything in me.
“Sweet.” He says and smiles. “Let’s get started.”
An hour later I am a little more colorful and I now wear a permanent reminder of the friend I lost far too soon and who I will never forget. “So we are heading to Cal’s to talk bassists and I figured we can all ride together?” I ask hoping I can pump Noah for info on why everyone is ignoring me.
“Sure let me get some of my things. I need to work on Cassa tonight.” He says and within minutes we are making our way out to the car.
Noah puts his belongings at his feet and pulls out a Camel filter and lights it. “So what’s up Tay? I can feel your anxiety from a mile away.”
Noah was always far more observant than his own damn good. “I’m scared I am going to get fired.” I say and cringe at the words.
Noah drops the smoke from between his lips and looks at me like I am crazy. “What the fuck Tay?”
I fold my arms over my chest and roll my neck letting out a frustrated moan. “I just think that everything with Cal went to hell in a hand basket and that was before you quit the band. I can’t get Carrie or Cassa to return my calls, and everything business related has been sidelined this week because Cal is ignoring me too.” I look at him with my most serious face. “No matter if we were fucking, fighting or both, Cal always called me back Noah. Anything business took precedence over whatever was going on in our lives.”
Noah steps close to me and bends to grab his smoke from the ground replacing it between his lips then grabbing me into a hug. “This all has nothing to do with fucking you or fighting you. Cal has some crazy shit going on in his family right now and I know him sweets, he will talk to you about it when the smoke clears. As for everyone else, I think that’s my doing. I am pretty fucking certain everyone is sick and tired of my mopey drugged out ass. What I do know is not even in the same fucking universe would you be in jeopardy of losing your gig.” He pulls back slightly to look at me. “He lost you for good reason sweets, but he knows it. Keep that in mind okay?"
I feel this immense relief at his reassurance and tears fall from my eyes. I want to reassure them all. I want to tell Noah he is no one’s burden but our angel. I want to go to Cal and hold his hand through whatever nightmare he is facing. I want my girls to talk to me. But I say nothing and just hold Noah because if anything I know he may need it.
Well I just heard
The news today
Seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes
Begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
Chapter Three
Cal
I felt my entire body go stiff in fury the minute I saw her number come on my phone. I felt like I had waited my entire life for this call and in theory it had been three days. “You have a lot of nerve Jenny.” I spat through the phone.
“Oh get off your high horse Cal. We need to talk.” She says and I can hear music in the background and knowing Jenny I would bet she is at the bar.
“That’s something that you should have told me the day he was born.”
“Whatever Cal. I tried to be his mom and do right by him, but honestly I can’t. I have tried to do right by him but I can’t, you have the money and the resources to give him what I can’t. You can think what you want from me but do not act like I am not owed. I figure we can settle this out of court and in my bank.” I was disgusted. There were no other words to describe the violent urge to puke at what she just said.
“I will never let you near him again that’s a fucking promise, but money? You think I am going to buy him? By the time I am done with you Jenny you won’t have two pennies to rub together.” I say and my voice is level and calm but I am anything but. I look to Axe sitting in his highchair eating cheerios and the innocence he breathes into my life and I swear to God I will kill her if she comes near him.
“Do you hear yourself Cal? You don’t even know Axe but you act like he is yours to keep. I want the money that is owed for the two years you weren’t around. That or I come and get our son and then I will get my money.” She starts laughing and muffling the phone and I want to scream. How I ever found her attractive is beyond me. In high school we all fucked around with Jenny Pope. She was that girl. When we started building our fans in Gig and playing at the Aloha house, Jenny was always partying with us. Things didn’t change when we signed on with Coven and Heshen Aggression. Jenny was a loyal fangirl. I didn’t know what she was truly made of. The last few years we all talked about her from time to time but assumed she straightene
d out and grew up. Wrong. Instead she was ignoring my boy and waiting for the opportunity to strike.
“You come near him I will have you arrested. I was awarded temporary custody by the Department of Family Services. I have done a DNA test and getting him checked out for his well-child exams. You come near him I am not responsible for what happens to you. Every guard in our crew knows you by name and they all know that you are not fucking welcome!” I roar the last part and then I hear the small bowl with Cheerios hit the floor and my little boy cowering against the back of his highchair. I go to him and squat down so he can see my face. “You’re okay buddy.” I say and try to reassure him.
I wait for Jenny to ask me what is wrong with him, she doesn’t and I can’t say I am shocked. “Are you threatening me Cal?” She asks in a high pitched squeal.
“No, I am warning you that there is nothing I won’t do to keep him safe.” I end the call and toss my phone on the counter.
I lift the tray off the high chair and lift Axe into my arms taking us and the remaining Cheerios to the couch for some ESPN. “I don’t know if you understand a damn word I say, but I swear to God little dude, you are safe.”
We chill like that a little longer, me talking and explaining sports to him. He just looks at me with that fearful stare but I can see he likes me talking to him. It makes me wonder if Jenny ever did.
“So we are Dorians. Dorian men support our hometown, so we are Seahawks for life. We root the Mariners and the Sounders. I’ll get us tickets to the games for when we aren’t on the road....”
We continue chilling until I hear the doorbell. I covered every possible rule in Baseball and some of soccer before my mom showed up. I was kind of excited to show her everything I got for Axe and see that I had healthy food and a diaper bag all set. After covering everything with her, I close the fridge after grabbing a sippy cup of milk and see the fresh tears in her eyes, and Axe looking at her with that soft stare he always gives her.
Release Me Page 2