“I spoke with the bands I manage that deal with Jenny too and found loyalty amongst rockers is tight and unbreakable. Miles from Black Label said that three weeks ago when they were in Northern Cali, Jenny and Axe both tried getting on the bus and she had told him they had nowhere to go. Now, he admits that they let them on the bus and that Axe was taken care of by the staff while Jenny partied with the band. I hadn’t been through all my emails while George was out of the office so I didn’t see the message he sent me giving me a heads up about her. He had assumed I had handled it though because we have spoken a lot over the last three weeks and we never spoke of it and that Jenny wasn’t hanging around. Even better though, Miles had notified child services just because he couldn’t believe she’d pull that sort of shit bringing a child on a tour bus.”
“Stop. I can’t hear this Tay it makes me sick and I don’t think level headed. It makes me want to hurt her.” He says and I know he feels a lot of shame for it, but I understand it and more importantly I know he would never touch her.
“I have to tell you though Cal. You are fighting for the custody of your child. No matter how shitty she is, she is the mother and that card is the hardest card to beat. We need proof, not circumstantial but actual proof of how neglected he was. Doctor reports will help, but eye witness accounts and reported incidents are the best defense. I know it’s difficult to hear what he has gone through, but ease that pain knowing he is safe now and if we handle it right, he will always be safe.”
He nods and then puts his hands over his face in defeat and lets out a frustrated sigh. “I hate that you’re involved in this Tayla.” He says and stands abruptly from his seat as the table chair slides back slamming into the wall from the force.
“Cal...” I say but I don’t know what to say beyond that so I just shut up and let him get it out.
“No I hate that you’re so involved in this. It’s ugly and she is such a trashy conniving bitch about the whole thing. I know you know that I fucked her often.” He says and stops placing his hands on the back of the chair and looks at me. “I wanted the time to wine you and dine you and make you fall in love with me without all the bullshit. I wanted to show you I wasn’t that guy anymore or that maybe even one day you’d forget about the pussy parties and the fangirls and only focus on us.”
“I know.” I say and I cross my legs and lean back. “I know, but I can’t forget them Cal, or the hell you put me through. I forgive it, I do. I know you better than you know yourself and that’s what keeps me from being pulled in. You get scared and run. Anytime anything can interfere with your career you bail on it.”
I stop when I realize that it isn’t exactly the truth. He won’t bail on Axe. He won’t bail on his family or the band. But I am disposable and it is something I always forget where Cal Dorian is concerned.
“I am done running Tayla. I won’t bail on you.” He is so certain and there is so much promise in his stance, his voice and the words, oh God, they speak volumes.
“We can’t do this right now Cal. We can’t talk about us with everything else going on.” I say and as much as I want him I know that us as a distraction isn’t possible right now.
“That’s exactly why we should. I need you with me Tay. I can’t do this without you baby.”
Now he sees me, now that he is facing something so completely terrifying alone.
“How dare you?” I ask in defeat. “How is it that now that you face being a single parent and the loneliness of that suddenly makes me more appealing?” I gather my things because I am done with this conversation and the constant bullshit that arises whenever he tries to win me back. There is always a reason and it is never the right one.
“Please don’t go. You’re getting this all wrong.” He says and reaches for my hand but I pull back from him.
“No. I can’t Cal. Please respect that. We have so much going on right now that throwing dating in will just explode in our faces. Give me the time I need to process everything.” I say and make my way to the door.
“I meant what I said last night Tay. I’ll wait forever. I will.” He comes close until we are almost touching as we stand at the front door. “Please don’t go to him tonight wishing he was me. Please baby, go home and think of me.”
I can’t even muster a response to that, because any would make me a liar or I’d be coming clean that he isn’t my replacement, but merely the one thing that forces Cal to prove himself to me.
“I’ll be in touch.” I say and leave without looking back.
You and me goin’ fishin’ in the dark
Lying on our backs and counting the stars
Where the cool grass grows
Baby get ready
Chapter Eleven
Cal
I can’t sleep as I lay here thinking of all the fuck ups in my life, that little boy of mine the only thing I have done right in recent years. Tayla is one thing I had right and I did everything wrong to destroy it. I can’t breathe thinking Sam is in bed with her tonight, touching her and telling her everything she ever wanted to hear from me.
I wanted to tell her that Axe is nothing but a bonus in my life. I wanted her to know I was coming for her before I even knew he existed. I get the urge to tell her to ask anyone that they can tell her how legit I am, but I can’t take the easy way out in this. I have to fight for her to see me and what I am offering is real and forever.
I hear Axe cough and I go to him, standing in his doorway watching him sleep. I am overwhelmed with this little dude. I want to fix him where he is broken and prove that he is safe. I watch him sleep in the corner of a bed that is plush with blankets and toys and all I see is how lost he is in it all, confused and curled in the corner alone. Always alone.
Tears break free as they always do when I watch him sleep. It is the only time he seems peaceful and content. He has so much fear in his eyes when he is alert and I vow as I do every night that I am going to take that fear and doubt away.
He rolls over and his little brown eyes open and focus on me in the doorway. I make my way in not wanting him scared for even a second. “Daddy you?” He says in the sweetest voice I have ever heard, but have never heard him call me daddy. It is my far the most integral moment of my life and I will never forget it.
I squat down so I can see him through the slats in the crib and we are eye level, my tears soaking my lashes as they fall down my cheeks. “Yeah Axe.” I say and choke on my sob. “I’m your daddy buddy.”
“Daddy you.” He says and rolls to get up and stand. His little hands holding the railing as he works to stand up. Once he is standing and stable, I watch him do another first and reach his arms out to me in want without my prompting him. This is the first time Axe has asked me to hold him.
I scoop him up into my arms and place my hand on the back of his head and rock from side to side trying to hide my tears from him. Even at his age, he will associate tears with sadness and I am anything but sad.
“Dat.” He says and points to the blanket in his crib with red and blue rocket ships on it.
I reach in and grab his blanket and put it over his back and I take him into my room and put him in my bed where he only holds me tighter. “Okay buddy. I got you, no worries kid.” I say and decide that as far as bonding goes if it happens at two in the morning then so fucking be it.
Holding him I head to the kitchen and stock up on ice cream, chips and chocolate milk for him and a Gatorade for me and we head back to my bed. I hold him against my chest as we eat ice cream and chips and it is salty sweet just like us, and we fall asleep watching Sports Center cuddled as father and son.
Cal
I wake with purpose and enough sense to know that the time for waiting patiently is over. I pack a bag for Axe to spend the night with Carrie and Chad so he and Noelle can play. I pack for a night because I have no intention of leaving her alone tonight. I don’t care if I sit on her front porch waiting on her, I will.
I pull into Carrie and Chads and grab Axe and his ove
rnight bag. “Hey man.” Chad says and takes Axe out of my arms. “We are gonna rock the house today Axe. Come see what Uncle Noah got you.”
“Oh hell.” I say and pop the back of my Jeep grabbing the rest of his stuff and follow them in the house.
“Oh my God Cal.” Carrie says and laughs at me.
“What?” I ask and put down the bag of his toys and the couple bags of food diapers training pants a small Cars potty and a small suitcase of his clothes.
“It’s one night Cal.”
I look at everything I brought and don’t get the joke. “I don’t see what’s so funny? I just didn’t want him to want for anything.”
Carrie smiles and steps in to hug me. “God bless you Cal, you’re doing a good job. No guilt in taking a night for you and Tay.”
“Speaking of... Know where I can find her?”
“No. I have tried calling her all day and it doesn’t even ring, goes straight to voicemail. She is off the grid, probably locked away in her room listening to tracks and bands.” Carrie looks as lost as me and I love that I have their support, but I know exactly where she is and it shocks me that I know where she is and that Carrie has no clue.
“No honey. If she isn’t answering, she is off the grid but it’s in the sticks by a river full of fish.” I rub my hands over my face and sigh. “I’m betting her cabin in Yakima?”
Carrie looks dumb founded. “Why would she be fishing? And what cabin?”
“Georgia peach, she loves the sticks and needs to regroup in the country as close to her roots as she can.” I explain but feel like I am speaking another language the way she is looking at me.
“Tay is from the country? I knew she was from Georgia I just figured she was ATL fabulous.”
I shake my head no.
“She was small town and couldn’t wait to get out.” I say and grab an apple off the counter. “She had a big old river in the back off their farm and fished with her grandpa every day growing up. She bought her cabin in Yakima about a year before we signed with her. It’s where she centers her world. I bet you anything that’s where she is.”
Carrie just watched me in awe. “I never knew any of that.”
I shrug my shoulders and take another bite. “Not a big deal. We obviously had a lot of time to talk over the years with work and everything else.”
She smiles but doesn’t say anything else, and then the sound of drums echoes through the house. I follow her down the stairs to the studio and see Axe on Shames lap with the sticks in his hands wrapped around Shames as he shows my son the basics of the drummer’s world.
“We decided it was fitting to find out if he has the genes for music.” Noah says with a laugh and shows me the miniature guitar.
“No way buddy. Pick the guitar Axe.” I say and laugh. “Stay the hell away from the drums, Dad will show you the way little dude.”
They guys laugh and I watch as my son smiles and continues to instruct his Uncle Shamus on the drums with some awful melody if you can call it that.
“Listen, I’m headed out wish me luck.” I say and head over to Axe. “Hey dude, I got something to take care of but I’ll be back tomorrow. You’re" gonna hang out with your aunts and uncles okay bud?”
“Daddy me?” He says and holds his arms to me and I feel that punch in my gut every time he calls me daddy. The collective sigh from everyone watching intensified the moment.
I reach for him because I need to reassure myself as much as him. Every time he openly wants to let me hold him is the justification I need that I am giving him more than Jenny ever did and that has to account for something.
I hold him close as we make our way upstairs and out of the studio. “You be a good boy for daddy and I will bring you back something special”. I kiss his temple and hand him to Carrie. “I will call you tonight before you go to bed okay buddy?”
I look him in the eye for any recognition he understood what I said. I don’t see it but I feel it to my bones. He knows I am not gonna bail on him. Now I just need Tay to believe it too.
Tayla
I stand on the bank of the river and toss my line in, reeling it back instantly and then I repeat. This is my calm place. My thinking place. It is here and only when I am here that I miss Georgia and that small town life of a country girl.
It was the obvious choice when I left Cal’s last night. I went home packed a bag and drove until I saw the long dirt road that leads to my little paradise. I bought the cabin with my first signing bonus with Coven. It isn’t much, enough for me but I have never been the type for frivolity. That being said, the minute I walked inside last night the first thought was that I could see Cal, myself and little Axe here, and then I saw more kids and I burst into tears.
I have always had purpose and goals. I have always had that sense of self and knew I would achieve the life I wanted. I never saw this coming though. I knew enough over the last three years that hanging on to Cal Dorian would rip me apart in the end, I just never saw the end like I do now.
I cannot continue to let him barrel through me. I cave and cave and never do what is best for me and now I have no choice but to do the best for me, because involving that child is something I am unwilling to do. Cal and I are so up and down; I can’t let Axe get involved in it. I can adore him and Axe from afar; learn to love them like I do Noelle and Chad and Carrie, or when Cassa and Shame have a family.
I think it all clearly, I can even see an outcome that doesn’t exist and it is all pretend because I love him. Heart mind body and soul and I can’t separate that anymore. I did a damn good job of it up to this point but now I have to move on. I have to heal before this love kills me.
As if summoned by my heartache and longing, I watch as Cal’s black Jeep rolls to a stop beside my Rover. I reel in my line and grab my tackle box and pole and make my way to him. I feel exposed here like this. My jeans are low riding and covered in holes from years of wear and tear. My flannel jacket is half zipped and my boots are the telling sign that I am from the country.
“Hey.” I say because it is all I can muster through the shock he actually is here in the flesh. “How’d you know I was here? How did you know here is here?” I ask and don’t hide the annoyance in my voice.
“I do listen to you when you talk Tayla. You have told me every possible detail about this cabin over time. You weren’t hard to find.” He says and steps out of the Jeep. My heart fractures at the sight of him in jeans and an old pair of black biker boots, a white hoodie and a black bandanna over his head. I don’t fail to notice Axe isn’t with him.
“Where’s Axe?” I ask and walk to the porch leaning my pole against the side of the cabin and setting the tackle box beside it. When I look to Cal for an answer I see the smoldering stare he is giving me and chills spread over my body.
“Carrie and Chad are keeping him for the night.” He says and kicks off the Jeep making his way toward me.
“For the night?” I am failing at hiding the instant desire in my tone. “That’s presumptuous.”
I stand stupid, locked in place as he keeps walking toward me until he is pressed against me hip to hip. One hand goes to my waist and the other clasps the side of my neck and I am swept up in a kiss. This is a telling kiss, there is purpose behind it. This isn’t a kiss out of need, but the type of kiss that destroys all reason to why I am walking away.
This kiss was love, and it sucks because he doesn’t mean it. He never does.
I pull back, placing my palm on his chest in a feeble attempt to gain control when I had none. “Stop.” I gasp the word as he bites my lip.
“No.” He says and comes at my mouth harder and with more feeling than any kiss has ever held. He walks us backward, locked in this earth shattering kiss until I am flush against the side of my Cabin and his body is pressed to mine.
The minute I feel his cock hard against me I snap out of the moment and push him off me again. “Yes Cal.” I say with more demand than what I thought I would have.
“Why?” He
asks and though I won’t let him kiss my lips again, he gently travels his lips along my jaw and down my neck before pulling back to look at me. “Why?” He asks again, a soft smile on his lips.
“Because we have been here so many times I know exactly what will happen next and honesty I don’t have the strength to survive it.” I hear the pain in my voice and it doesn’t even come close to how deep that pain goes.
“We have never been here before, and what happens next is up to you baby, but I am telling you now, I am not leaving without you.” And with that he walks back to the Jeep gets his things and heads in to my cabin, my safe place leaving me dumbfounded against the side alone.
Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
Chapter Twelve
Cal
I take a seat at the little wooden table inside and look around at the true comfort of Tayla Livingston. It is soft and cozy with that little touch of wild that makes Tayla so fucking irresistible to me. There is a very country looking plaid couch with throw pillows that have fish on them against the wall beneath the only window in the living room. Photos from various rivers and lakes and I can only imagine they are from her farm in Georgia, but nestled in all this country is that spice I love about her. The coasters on the table have skulls and crosses. The kitchen has all modern appliances sheik and black with pops of red on a coffee pot or the pans hanging on the rack. This place is all her and I feel so fucking amazing seeing her, the real her. Regardless if it is choice or happenstance that I made it to this point doesn’t matter to me. I meant what I said and I wasn’t leaving without her.
Release Me Page 10