Boss stroked his thumb over my chin and smiled tenderly and I squeezed him.
“Every self-harmer needs a friend. Each and every one of us.”
I closed my eyes and sucked in my lips before I carried on because I knew my next words would hurt some people in this very room.
“Two years ago, I fell really hard after a very heart-breaking time, and the harm I did to myself was so bad, it was a turning point in my life. I was going through some really terrible personal issues. As well as losing my mother to stomach cancer, I found out some sickening secrets that had been held for many years. Secrets that changed my outlook on my childhood and at that very same time, I lost…some very close…people in my life. ”
I squeezed Boss’s hand because I knew he would be torturing himself over it and he squeezed back.
“At this point the pain was too unstable, too severe and it felt like my whole body would explode if I didn’t find the release and I did a stupid thing…I told the person whipping me not to stop. They were stupid enough to listen and I nearly bled to death” I finished bluntly.
Boss was staring at me, his eyes rimmed with tears but I shook my head at him before I turned back to the room.
There were many people crying now and as I glanced around the room, my heart stuttered wildly and my stomach dropped, when I saw the back of Jax retreating through a door at the back of the room.
It had been two very long years since I’d seen that back but I’d recognise it anywhere and all the old feelings overwhelmed me as my legs wobbled. Boss caught my reaction to Jax and swung his arm around my waist to support me.
“Thank you” I whispered to him. He shook his head and I realised he couldn’t talk because he was extremely emotional at my words.
I cupped his face “Hey. I’m good. I’m here and I’m better.”
He nodded and bit his lower lip before I resumed my statement.
“I know you probably think I’m getting too personal but I am telling you for a reason. Many self-harmers suffer in silence, frightened to tell people because the topic is extremely taboo and many people are appalled by the very idea of it, but if my honesty, my openness about my illness, helps even one of those people then I have achieved something with my life.”
I looked around the room again and smiled “After spending a while in hospital I was very alone. I felt so isolated and desolate, that I would have done anything to escape that room and do it all over again. The pain inside me was so bad that I just wanted to…well, you get the gist.”
I turned to the edge of the stage where a woman walked towards me and I smiled widely at her. She stroked Boss’s shoulder as she passed him, silently thanking him for being there for me, and stood beside me as she took my other hand, once I’d flicked my ring onto my finger.
“I’d like to introduce Isla Gregory, the lady who saved my life.”
A thunderous round of applause broke out in the room and Isla blushed ferociously as her eyes filled with tears. I joined in the cheers as well as the tears.
I waited for the noise to die down before I continued.
“Isla is a volunteer for the wonderful charity H.A.S.H. T.A.G. which stands for ‘Help Against Self Harm, Therapy And Guidance’.”
Another round of applause erupted and we both smiled happily at the attention the charity was receiving.
“Isla was the woman who turned my life around. She talked to me, listened to me, guided me and became my friend. Something every self harmer needs…a friend. Plain and simple. We need someone to talk to, someone who listens without judging and Hell, even someone to swear at and throw plates at.”
Isla nodded and pointed to me as the room laughed and I rolled my eyes.
“Hash Tag is a non-profitable charitable foundation and they need all the help they can get.”
Isla nodded again. “They treat each harmer as a person, an individual and not like a leper. They give guidance, support, and arrange therapy but most of all they listen. And believe me, I can rattle.”
Both Boss and Isla nodded this time and I nudged them both.
“The song ‘Endure’, which I’m going to sing for you now, is one I wrote a couple of months after my one year free of harm marker.”
The crowd stood up and congratulated me with a standing ovation, as a sound tech guy ran on with a stand for my mic and Isla kissed my cheek before she strode off the stage.
Boss pulled away but I held him firm, to which he frowned but I shook my head.
I turned to the band and the violinists and they all thumbed up.
Standing at the mic I looked around at each section of the room.
“All proceeds, and I mean all, including all recording and individual expenses, from this song goes to Hash Tag and it’s available for download and retail purchase from tomorrow. A huge thank you to RMG Music for foregoing their fee.”
The room applauded. “But this performance is dedicated to my amazing friend Boss, the drummer for Room 103, who once picked me up off my university dorm floor, broken and bleeding and took me to hospital while he held my hand, and then he kicked my butt and sent me to recuperate in his own personal holiday home.”
I heard some cheering from the back of the room and spotted Romeo and Bulk hailing Boss whilst grinning wildly.
I turned to a weeping Boss. “This time it’s my turn to dedicate to you” I told him as a stage tech brought him a stool.
Once he had perched on it beside me, I lifted my finger to Hunter, who came in with a slow melody on the piano as I touched my ring and closed my eyes. ‘Lock, stock and barrel baby’.
The song was an immensely slow and melancholy track and I closed my eyes for the first verse.
“I’ve watched you camouflage the agony
Striving to shield the affliction
The very essence of your soul
Destroyed by their corruption
Your heart massacred by their poison
The guilt you hold so close
The pain you fight to endure”
Angel played a solo riff whilst Mad drummed out a muted beat and then I came in with the chorus.
“Endure the torture
Endure the torment
Cos’ I’ll take your pain
Take it, break it, and destroy it
I’ll break you free
Help you to rejuvenate
Bring you back to life, to life
Bring you back to me, to me”
All the band and violinist’s played together in a sad section as I sang the second verse.
“I’ve witnessed the darkness take you
The craving your conscience dictates
The sheer force of your spirit
Crippled by their depravity
Your trust shattered to the bone
The blame you think is yours
The burn you fight to endure”
Angel and Hunter joined me vocally in the next chorus and then when I came to sing the last section, it was pitched up and the entire band joined in together as I belted out the final verse.
“But now I’m bringing you the light
The release your body does demand
The very core of your heart
Caressed by my devotion
The bliss, it’s yours
The love, it’s yours
The love, it’s yours to endure
Yours to endure
Cos’ I just set you free
You’re free to brave your dreams.”
The violinists played the song out and the whole room roared, the walls and floor shook and as I looked into the crowd, he was there…watching me.
He wouldn’t release my eyes, just held me to him without touching me.
My breath caught as I gazed at him.
My whole body and soul roared to life, and my heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second, even though my blood pumped frantically around my veins.
Every single hair on my body reared to attention and goose bumps exploded all o
ver me as my soul reached out for its mate.
But I turned and walked away as a tear slipped free.
CHAPTER 35
“Give it half an hour after I leave, then come round” I breathed into Sed’s ear as we danced at the after party.
He groaned as his hands slipped down to my hips and he pulled me in to him further, giving me a stroke of his hard erection. “Can’t we make it ten minutes? I’m so damn hard I could strip you naked and take you right here.”
“You’re always so damn hard Sed.” I chastised playfully.
“Only for you babe.”
I flinched. “Sed, I’ve told you, don’t call me that!”
He sighed heavily and held his hands up as my mood was broke and I ended the dance.
“E…Shit…” he moaned as he followed me to the bar.
I smiled to the tender as I leaned over and gave him my order as Sed stood beside me, apologising over and over.
“Okay, I get it! Christ” I barked at him.
He reared back and shook his head. “Come get me when the moods fucked off E.” he said and strolled off, probably to some other faceless fuck!
I huffed and downed my drink, closing my eyes in desperation to get out of the room currently full of big-headed celebrities and wannabe’s.
Jack appeared at the side of me and side hugged me “You okay Girl?”
I scrunched my nose. “Nah. You okay if I get gone. I’ve had enough of these egotistical fucks!” I whined.
He barked out a laugh but nodded. “Give me two minutes to get the car round.”
I held up a finger to the barman and gestured one more.
Just while I waited for Jack!!!
My body sensed him before I felt him and I closed my eyes in distress as I held back the whimper that wanted to vocalise.
His finger swiped up my spine and my whole body tingled at his touch, the touch I had craved for over two years.
He leaned into my ear, his warm breath triggering an unwanted desire to flood my system.
“Babe.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I heard it…that god damn ‘babe’ was all my dreams had consisted of for the last two years.
“Jax” I returned unemotionally, without turning to him.
He appeared beside me, his huge masculine frame leaning on the bar as he gazed at me, his eyes drinking me in as they skimmed over every inch of me.
I kept my face forward and refused to look at him.
My eyes were demanding that I turn so they could get their fill. They had been withdrawing for too long.
I was not going to look. I was not going to look!!!
I fucking looked.
God damn it!
“Fuckin’ epic song babe” he growled out in his unique husky tone and my whole body turned to a liquid mess.
FUCK!!!!
I had promised myself I would not do this.
“Did you want something Jax?”
His eyebrows rose and he tipped his head but Jack disturbed his next words.
“There’s been some trouble at the Grande E, security alert. Gotta give it another half hour” he stated.
Why does it always happen? Every time you’re desperate to escape!!!
I nodded and sighed “No problem Jack. Come and find me when it’s sorted.”
He nodded and disappeared, leaving me alone with a simmering Jax.
I signalled for another drink and the barman nodded in acknowledgement.
“Babe?” Jax asked and I turned to him, my eyes blazing as my breathing increased. “What Jax? What?”
He closed his eyes and swallowed before he traced my ring finger with his and I knew what he was asking.
I scoffed bitterly. “Fucking eternity ring’s don’t actually wait an eternity Jax.” I slammed as I pushed off the bar and scurried across the room to find anybody…anybody but the man crushing my heart at that very moment.
***
Kicking off my shoes and peeling off my dress I walked across my hotel suite naked, apart from a black lace thong, and stood in front of the huge landscape window, in the dark gazing out at the London nightlife with my cinnamon latte, with extra shot, in hand.
Closing my eyes, I concentrated on my meditating technique to drown the hum in my veins.
Picking up the sound system remote, I flicked on some music and started swaying to it as I blew out some deep breaths and just lost myself in the beat.
I could beat this. Eighteen months Eve. Don’t fucking lose it now.
I wouldn’t let it win.
Breathe in, breathe out, sway left, sway right, tap left thigh, tap right thigh, breathe in, breathe out.
If anybody from below could see me through the window I must have looked a right duck!
I sipped my coffee as I continued to sway to OneRepublic’s ‘Everybody loves me’.
Sway and breathe E!
“Very nice. Dance baby” Sed said from behind me and I spun round, spilling coffee all over my arm.
“God damn you, don’t you ever knock?” I bristled. “Who let you in?”
“Jack” he shrugged. “He’s used to me by now baby” he grinned lewdly as he swayed across the room to me, matching each of my sways eagerly.
God, he was sexy!
His soft blond hair was highlighted with light brown streaks. His lean chest wasn’t overly pumped but he still had a fantastic body and every time my eyes set on it, my core heated intensely.
I couldn’t hold back the smile at his movements. His hips swinging from left to right as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, waggling his eyebrows when I giggled at him.
I raised my arms and swayed towards him, both of us rocking our hips in sync and rhythm as his hands shimmied beside his hips to the beat of the music.
When we joined, he pulled me in tight against him and rocked into me, whilst he sang the words in my ear.
I spun around so my back was to his chest and worked my backside down his body, rotating my hips until I was crouched in front of him, turned and then worked my way back up.
He palmed my breasts, his thumbs skimming over my pert nipples whilst his lips found mine and he controlled me in a smouldering kiss, driving me wild with need.
“Fuck! You are one sexy fucking bitch” he growled as his hands cupped my bottom and I pushed it out and into his embrace.
Rolling my hips against his impressive hard crotch, I gripped his thick blond hair and yanked his head back sternly before I ran my tongue up his throat. “Fuck me against the window” I breathed.
“Jesus!” he moaned as I nibbled along his jaw.
He danced us backwards until my back hit the clear glass and I gasped at the cold sensation.
He smirked at me as he twisted the edges of my thong and ripped it off.
I took his nipple between my teeth and tortured it as I popped the buttons on his jeans and slid them over his hips.
“You want me E? You want my hard dick inside you?” he hissed as I fisted his erection.
“You know I do” I whispered as I kissed down his chest and over his stomach until his rigid cock was at my lips.
I gazed up at him lasciviously as I ran my tongue over the tip of him, lapping up the small amount of pre-cum that had pooled just for me.
He sucked air through his teeth and gripped my hair as I sank my mouth over him, my knees wide either side of his knees.
“Fuck yes. Blow me E” he snarled.
I worked him hard, up and down, my hands teasing his balls; tasting him, teasing him and enjoying his addictive flavour until he groaned loudly and pulled me up before spinning me around and pushing me flat onto the window.
His mouth rested beside my ear “How hard do you want fucking E?”
“Hard!” I groaned as his finger swept down the groove between my buttocks and then into my vagina.
“Your sweet pussy’s panting for me E.”
So was I, Damn it!!!
“Please…” I whimpered.
“
How hard E?” he repeated as he rolled on a condom.
Hadn’t I already told him? I was sure I had?
“Fuck me hard. Brutal, fuck me till I scream!”
He impaled me in one forceful thrust and we both groaned loudly, as my palms splayed on the window.
“Fuck yes!” he snarled as he powered into me, each of his ferocious thrusts slapped my cheek on the cool glass.
His hands gripped my hair as he held on tight, each of his fierce hammers driving me deeper into ecstasy as I struggled to hold the glass with my sweaty palms.
“Fuck Yes, yes that’s it, harder Jax!”
We both stilled immediately and I closed my eyes, cringing vehemently.
Oh Dear!
He pulled out and I daren’t turn to look at him. I just remained naked and squashed against the damn window.
I swallowed loudly and risked it.
“I…I…well…I meant to say…Sed…” I kind of trailed off towards the end and whined his name out.
He stood staring in shock at me, his eyes wide and bright.
“Sorry” I whispered.
I really didn’t know what else to say.
He took a step back and looked at me as though I’d just bit his dick off.
“Did you just call me Jax?” he spluttered.
“Well…” I pulled my top lip behind my bottom lip.
“Well?” he barked out so intensely I jolted.
“I didn’t mean to Sed. It’s just…well, it’s just cos’ I’ve seen him tonight and…well and…” I pursed my lips and flinched when he picked up my coffee cup and threw it across the room.
Shocking Heaven Page 23