Being Sawyer Knight

by Nicola Haken

  “Stop being a pussy. It’s just up here.”

  “What is?”

  “My favourite place in the world.”

  It’s sod’s law that his favourite place in the world would be up the steepest hill we’d climbed yet. But when we got there, the view punched the air clean from my lungs.

  “Wow…”

  “Nice, huh?”

  Nice? No. Fucking spectacular, yes.

  I sat down on the damp grass, still a little breathless from the physical exertion it took to get up here. Sawyer joined me, tossing his rucksack onto the floor and pulling out two bottles of water. As I screwed the cap off, he moved closer to me, placing a hand on my knee. The touch momentarily paralysed me, making my breath hitch. To be ‘out’ with him, for him to be so open with me… it felt like a tremendous leap forward.

  “How’d you find this place?” I asked curiously, curling my fingers around his hand on my lap. I stared out at the view. We were incredibly high up and the scene below us was breath taking. Lakes, trees, tiny roads…

  “Just exploring,” he shrugged. “I like the peace out here. Sitting here reminds me how small I am. Down there,” he said, nodding his head down the hill. “People think I’m so fucking important. They all want a piece of me and it’s easy to forget who I am. Up here, up here I can just…be.”

  We must’ve stayed, sitting on the top of the hill, for an hour or so. We barely spoke. We didn’t need to. He sang to me – his version of Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. The lyrics fitted the scene perfectly. We were lying there, forgetting the world. I only wished it could last forever. His voice on stage, live, was glorious. Husky, commanding, yet somehow impossibly smooth. But A Cappella, just inches away from my ears… it dove straight into my soul.

  I draped my arm over Sawyer’s shoulders, holding him close to me, and just enjoyed the fact we could be together like this. Out in the open, no hiding, no looking over our shoulders. A few times I nibbled and kissed along his neck, whispering what I planned to do to him tonight in his ear. He attempted to play it cool, but the noticeable strain his zipper was under gave me everything I needed to know.

  “I’m so glad you brought me up here,” I said, wrapping my arms right around his body.

  “Me too. You know, I’ve always thought of you whenever I came up here. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m a nobody up here, like before. It reminds me of life before all the music and craziness.”

  “Sawyer, you have never been and never will be a nobody.”

  “Sometimes I think life would be easier if I was.”

  “Do you regret it? Signing to a label, hitting it big? Are you happy?”

  “I could never regret something that’s given me so many amazing opportunities.”

  “But are you happy?”

  “I’m getting there.” He smiled at me and it literally lit up his face. God, he’s perfect. “I’ve always loved the music. It’s the only thing I ever wanted to do. But… well I never could’ve prepared myself for the fame side of things. It feels like the day we got our first number one is the day my life stopped. I’m not saying I’ve been miserable. We’ve had a lot of fun over the years. I’ve met so many different people, travelled all over the world… but I just miss being able to take a shit without it being front page news.”

  “I was so proud of you the first time I saw you on TV. You were the supporting act for Blood Kings and you were all interviewed backstage.”

  “Fucking hell, I remember that! Matt was high as kite and spewed all over the cameraman the second he’d finished filming.”

  “Why doesn’t that surprise me? Anyway, I taped it, watched it over and over. I was always pleased you were front page news. Somehow, it was like you were still in my life.”

  “I need to kiss you,” he whispered, shifting his position so he was kneeling in front of me.

  “There’s always a chance someone could come out here, babe.”

  “I don’t care.”

  Gripping the back of my neck with one hand, Sawyer brought me in for a kiss. He kissed the stubble on my jaw and then ran his tongue over my lips before dipping inside to taste me. I groaned into his mouth and he cupped my crotch with his other hand. I felt him smile against my lips when he felt my erection through my pants and it made me feel so fucking awesome that I grabbed his shoulders, pushing him to the ground. I straddled his body, running my fingers under his shirt and grasping his taut muscles while I kissed the hell out of him.

  “I need to get you home,” I panted. “We’re going to get in the shower and you’re going to suck my dick until I explode in this hot mouth of yours,” I said, tracing his lips with my thumb. “Then you’re going to fuck me.”

  And so, that’s exactly what we did with the rest of our day.

  It was late afternoon and I decided to head out to buy supplies to make us dinner, leaving Sawyer alone with a notepad as he scribbled down lyrics which had apparently just burst into his mind. The nearest supermarket was a thirty minute drive away. I hadn’t realised just how far out Sawyer’s house was, although it made perfect sense. I made sure to be quick in case anyone recognised and subsequently followed me. So, armed with bags containing steak, potatoes, various vegetables and a chocolate gateau, I kept my head down and walked briskly back to the car.

  Thanks to heavy traffic, the journey back took even longer and it was fifty minutes before I turned onto the long country road that led to Sawyer’s house. I was about half a mile away when I saw soft plumes of smoke in the distance. It’s not an usual sight in the countryside, with limited access to waste disposal people often burn things, yet still I found my foot pressing harder on the accelerator. Something didn’t sit well in my gut and I cursed myself as I drove for leaving Sawyer alone.

  My fears were confirmed when I wound onto the road leading to the huge gates guarding the property. Skidding to an abrupt halt outside the gates, not having enough time to wait for them to open, I leapt from the car and darted towards the house. Flames licked the windows, causing them to crack. I’m trained to handle dangerous situations. I stay cool, calm, collected. I have the ability to process the risk, solution and desired outcome within seconds.

  Usually.

  This time however, knowing Sawyer was in the house, logic eluded me. I was tackling this situation with my heart instead of my head and that went against everything I’ve ever been taught.

  “SAWYER!” I yelled, running around the perimeter of the burning house, trying to find a safe place to enter. “SAWYER!”

  I tried to enter via the back door but it was locked. Racing around to the side of the house, I tried the door there and that refused to open too.

  “SAWYER!” I took a step back, raising my leg before kicking the door repeatedly. “SAWYER!” The door didn’t shift so much as a millimetre but I continued kicking it out of pure desperation. I spotted a window to the side of the door that didn’t have flames in view yet. Without hesitation I climbed up onto the rubbish bin and ripped my shirt off so I could wrap it around my fist. Then, after pulling my arm back, I punched straight into the glass, shattering it in one attempt. “Baby where are you?” I whispered into the smoky air.

  Draping my shirt over the jagged glass jutting from the window frame, I hitched my leg up and climbed inside. The heavy smoke attacked my lungs the second I dropped onto the floor. I reached behind me, pulling my shirt from the frame and ripping it in the process, then I pressed the light fabric to my mouth as I hurried through the house.

  My vision was compromised by the clouds of black smoke, making it harder to see the direction of the flames. I dodged falling plaster and stumbled over burning debris as I searched for Sawyer, but when I hit the hallway, I’d reached a dead end. Fire billowed through the air, blocking every turn off into the rest of the house.

  “SAWYEEEEEEEEER!” The fire was spreading fast, heading towards me at the same speed I was heading for it. I had no choice but to back up and turn around. I would have to get back out through the wi
ndow in the kitchen and try and find another way in on the other side. I wouldn’t give up. I would not leave this building without him.

  “FUCK!” As I jumped down from the window I caught my leg on the serrated glass. I fell onto my knees, the gravel cutting into my palms. Pain registered for the briefest second but immediately the task in hand took back over. Scrambling to my feet, I doubled over for a moment, wheezing and spluttering as I struggled to fill my lungs with air.

  “JAKE!” Oh thank God… “Jake!” I could see a hazy vision of Sawyer running towards me. “What the fuck were you doing in there? Come on, we need to get away from the house.”

  He tugged on my hand, pulling me into a sprint. We slowed to a stop when we reached the iron gates and my arms instinctively reached out to wrap around him. He was here. He was safe.

  He pulled away.

  “The fire brigade and police are on their way,” he said. “I thought you were still out. Then I saw your car and I couldn’t find you. Why the hell did you go inside?”

  “To find you! I thought you were in there!”

  “Wait… you risked your life… for me? When you didn’t even know I was in there?”

  “It’s my job,” I said coolly. I was feeling offended, no fuck offended, I was downright hurt, that after I’d just ran headfirst into a blazing building to find him, scared out of my mind that he could be hurt or worse, he pushed me away.

  “How are we going to explain you being here?” he flustered, scratching his head.

  “Seriously? Is that all you’re fucking bothered about? Either one of us could’ve died in there!”

  “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I just… you’re not supposed to be here.”

  “Then I’ll leave,” I spat acidly, reaching into my pocket for the car keys. For a moment, it seemed like he was going to let me. But when I reached the car, he grabbed my hand before I could reach the door handle.

  “Don’t go. I’m sorry. I just…panicked. I’ll say I called you when the fire started. We’ll go from there.”

  “I thought I could do this, Sawyer.”

  “Wait… what are you saying?” he interrupted.

  “I’m saying… all this is fucking with my head! I just ran into a burning building for fuck’s sake! I didn’t check out the area, I didn’t call for help, I didn’t do anything I should’ve done because all I could think about was YOU! Then I get out here… I see that you’re okay and my heart literally fucking aches to hold you, and you push me away in case someone sees us. Well DAMMIT Sawyer! I fucking LOVE you and I just don’t think I can keep hiding it!”

  “Shit,” he mumbled. The sirens were getting louder, meaning people would be swarming around us soon. “Jake please… We’ll talk about this later. But stop thinking like that. I’ll give you everything you want. I promise you. Just…later.”

  I couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement. Several firefighters jumped from their vehicle, shouting orders at one another as they ran towards the building. Another window blew, causing us both to duck instinctively. We were a good distance away from the house but the crackles of fire and the cracks of the house falling apart flooded the air. Looking behind me, I noticed two paramedics and a police officer approaching, so we started walking forwards, closing the distance.

  “Officer,” I greeted.

  “Can you tell us what happened here?”

  Sawyer gave his version first. He was in the bathroom when he smelled burning and so went downstairs to check it out. Flames engulfed the main living room, quickly spreading to the dining room and into the hallway. Sawyer fled through the front door, immediately calling for help. He waited down at the bottom of the garden, only coming near the house again when he saw my car. Our paths must’ve crossed by mere seconds and I mentally scolded myself for not following a procedure that should’ve been fucking obvious and scanned the grounds before running inside.

  After telling my side of the story, the version laced with mistruths, the officers agreed it was best we bring forward our travel plans and head out to LA sooner rather than later. The fire was still blazing when I was led to the back of an ambulance to have my leg checked out, and it wasn’t until then I remembered I’d been hurt. Thankfully, the wound was shallow and so when the paramedic recommended I get checked out at A&E, I refused. Getting Sawyer to safety was my immediate priority. We hadn’t heard from the fire officers yet but everything about this screamed arson to me.

  “Come on,” I said to Sawyer. The flames were calming and it looked like the fire crew were finally gaining some control. “We need to check into a hotel, phone Claire and arrange a flight.”

  “You don’t think this was an accident do you?” Sawyer’s face was pale. If this was a targeted attack, his life was in danger, and the severity of that was evident in his anxious expression.

  “No. I don’t. But you’re safe, Sawyer. I will not leave you again.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Holy fuck, dude,” Matt said before taking a long drag of his cigarette. We were at Matt’s condo in LA. Everyone was here to discuss the fire and where we go from here. Jake’s suspicions were right. The police got in touch after the fire department had finished their investigations and they found traces of accelerant throughout the downstairs of the house. Whoever was making these threats was no longer considered to be an amateur. They were getting serious. It was still unclear what they wanted, but until we found out we were all on high alert.

  “We’ve cancelled the dates for Australia,” Claire said. “We need to keep you guys on the down low until we find out who’s doing this.”

  “Sooo… we’re staying here?”

  “Yes. We’d like you all to stay here. It’s best if you’re all in one place until we’ve hired extra security.”

  “No fucking way!” Kip piped up. “I’m not living with Matt.”

  “Hey, dude! Come on, I get a shit ton of pussy passing through here. I’ll share!”

  Kip rolled his eyes, clearly not happy. Neither was I, but after what happened back at The Lakes, I was willing to suffer Matt’s bullshit. I just hoped it wasn’t for too long.

  “Claire’s right,” Jake interceded. “This is for your protection guys. It’s not ideal, I know, but it’s best to stick together right now.”

  “And what about us?” Laurelin asked.

  “It’s not you they’re targeting. We’ll arrange a rota for there to be members of security here at all times, but as for the rest of the staff, we have no reason to believe you’re in any danger.”

  “And what if you’re wrong?”

  “I’m not,” he said confidently. I love that side of Jake – when he’s all firm and masterful. Turns me the fuck on. “You’ll be in a hotel with the rest of us, and of course there’ll be security there too. We have everything under control here. The LAPD are working closely with us, so between us and them, you’re all in safe hands. A repeat of what happened to Sawyer’s home in the UK will not happen again.”

  “So,” Daz began. “I assume we can leave? This isn’t a fuckin’ prison scenario right?”

  “Of course you can leave,” Claire assured. “But not alone and not without informing Jake, or whichever guard you’re with where you’re going.”

  “Fuck. I can’t believe this shit is happening,” Gavin sighed.

  “It won’t be for long. I promise you guys we will get whichever arsehole is doing this,” Jake replied. “Ok, guys, I have some calls to make. My family were expecting me back in Sydney so I need to go and update them. Any questions before I go?”

  “Yeah, how will I get laid if I’m not allowed out by myself?”

  “God gave you two hands, Matt. Use them.”

  Matt mumbled something under his breath, which of course Jake ignored. Then he disappeared from the room while Claire went over what was expected of us. I was looking forward to seeing Jake’s family again after all these years and I felt a stab of sorrow in my chest that we weren’t heading out to Australia anymore, not to menti
on the guilt I felt for cancelling on the fans. Still, it’s not forever. Once this shit is sorted we will no doubt reschedule the dates.

  “It’s back to the studio as normal in the morning. We can’t afford not to get stuff done while we’re here. Cars will be here to pick you up at 7AM, but until then… do whatever it is you guys do best.”

  “Well I don’t know about you guys,” I said. “But I’m hitting the sack.”

  “It’s 5PM!” Gavin noted.

  “And I’ve been travelling for fucking hours. I’m beat.”

  As I stood up to make my way to one of the guest bedrooms I plucked my phone from my pocket. I called Elle soon after the fire and filled her in but I told her I’d ring again when we got to LA so we could meet up. Turned out I didn’t need my phone, and it was also looking like I wouldn’t be getting an early night after all.

  “Sawyer!” I turned around at the sound of Elle’s voice and saw she was running towards me. She flung herself into my arms and squeezed me as hard as her tiny arms would let her. “You’re alright.”

  “You know I am. You spoke to me on the phone!”

  “I know but seeing you in one piece is different. This whole thing is scaring the shit out of me.”

  “Hey,” I soothed, pushing her away from my body so I could see her face. “Don’t you worry yourself, gorgeous girl. We’ve got a good team looking into this.”

  “I know,” she sighed. “I just can’t stop thinking about you being trapped inside that house. What if you hadn’t got out? What if-”

  “Stop it, Elle. I did get out. I’m fine.”

  “Sorry. I just love you. You’re my muscle man.” The snort bursting from Matt’s throat didn’t go unnoticed and I turned my head, giving him the harshest death glare I could manage. “I’m kinda gutted we’re not going to Australia anymore.”

  “We will, just not yet.”

  I cocked my head towards the stairs in the middle of the open plan living space, signalling Elle to follow me to someplace private - i.e. somewhere away from Matt.