Being Sawyer Knight

by Nicola Haken

  “I’ll have to get back home soon and make sure Kylie’s okay though,” she continued when we entered one of the nine spare rooms. “I might not be able to join you guys depending on when it is. I’ve got Paris fashion week coming up.”

  “We’ll worry about all that when the time comes. As it stands we’ve no idea how long it will be yet.” Hopefully not too long. “Where’s Ry?” I asked curiously, plopping down onto the four-poster bed. Holy shit – the dude has mirrored fucking ceilings.

  “He’s got an audition,” she said solemnly. I raised my eyebrow, silently asking her to elaborate. “Some porno company,” she explained, rolling her eyes. “Apparently it’s one of the biggest in the industry and their headquarters are here in LA. He never dreamed he’d ever get to come here and he says he’d always regret it if he didn’t give it a shot while he had the chance.”

  “You don’t look pleased. I didn’t think you minded him doing the porn stuff?”

  “I don’t. But… what if he gets it? From the way he bangs on about this company they could make him famous in the sex world. He’s worked so hard to become the stylist he is today. I’d be sad to see him give that up.”

  “You’re not his mother, Elle. You can’t stop him doing what he wants to do. It’s not like you to think otherwise, either. So come, cut the shit and tell me the real reason you’re pissed with him.”

  “I’m not pissed with him,” she said sincerely. “I’ll just fucking miss him if he moves out here. It’s bad enough you spend the best part of your life here. I know he’s young, but apart from you, he’s the only real friend I’ve got.”

  “Elle… things are changing for all of us. There’s no point trying to guess the future because it’s impossible and you’ll just drive yourself crazy. Besides, you have Kip now.”

  “Yeah and I have no idea how that’s going to work. I can’t just drop everything to be with him. I have a sister, a business, responsibilities. I have to face the fact that with my work commitments and you guys touring and recording out here, we’re going to apart a lot.”

  “It’s going to work because you guys are gonna talk about this shit before you head home.”

  “Oh we are, are we? Since when did you become my personal agony uncle?” she teased.

  “Um, since the day you were guiding me through our maths project and you cried about the fact Eric Walsh called you a heifer.”

  “Oh, God! I’d totally forgotten that! He was a twat.”

  “Yeah he was. To this day I wish you’d have let me deck the fucker.”

  “His parents were on the PTA. You’d have been expelled.”

  “Hey, it might’ve done wonders for my rock star image.”

  We both laughed, remembering the fond memories. We’ve both accomplished so much in the last ten years and it makes school seems like a whole lifetime ago.

  “I love him, Sawyer.”

  “From the way he reacted the other day, I’m pretty sure he loves you too.”

  “Scary shit though, eh? This love business.”

  “Fuck yeah it is.”

  “So you love Jake?”

  “Yeah,” I breathed, smiling just from the thought of him. “Yeah I really do.”

  “I’m so happy for you, Sawyer. He’s a good guy. He must be if he’s managed to extract that permanent scowl from your face.”

  “Fuck off. I’m not that bad.”

  “Actually, yeah you kinda are,” she said playfully, fist-bumping my shoulder. “It’s like we’re finally grown ups.”

  “Whoa, let’s not push it.”

  “Are you going to tell the guys about Jake?”

  “No,” I answered automatically. “I mean yes. But… not yet. What about you and Kip?”

  “Gavin already knows. Kip told him when he thought I was cheating on him.”

  “He told Gavin?”

  “Well he couldn’t exactly come to you now could he?”

  “Yeah, I guess not.”

  “But we’re going to tell everyone before I head back home. I think you should too,” she added, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

  “I’m not ready, Elle.”

  “Will you ever be?”

  “I…I don’t know,” was the honest answer.

  “Don’t make him wait forever, Sawyer. It’s not fair to him. Everyone deserves to hang the person they love off their arm. He loves you and he deserves to be proud of you, to show you off. And you know what? You deserve that too.”

  “I know.” I sighed heavily, knowing I was being unfair but not being able to summon enough courage to change it.

  “How are things going to work while you’re staying here?”

  “No idea. Guess I’m just hoping all this shit will be over soon.”

  “Claire said the police are working with them. And the police over here have guns and stuff so that makes me feel better. They can shoot the shit out of anyone who tries to get near you.”

  “This isn’t Sons of Anarchy, Elle. No one’s gonna be ‘shooting the shit’ out of anyone.”

  “Still makes me feel better knowing they can.” Shaking my head, I laughed at her dramatics. “I’m gonna get my head down now. What are you doing with the rest of your night?”

  “Kip and I have planned it,” she said excitedly, rubbing her hands together like a teenage girl going on her first date. “I’m going to stay downstairs for a while, have a few drinks with the guys. Then before I know it, it will be really late so I’ll just crash here. When all the others are passed out, I’ll sneak up to Kip’s room.”

  “How old are you again? Fourteen?”

  “Shut up! It’s exciting.”

  “You look really happy, gorgeous girl. And Kip’s like a brother to me, I know he’ll treat you right.”

  “I really-”

  “ELLE!” Daz’s voice boomed up the stairs, interrupting her. “YO, ELLE? YOU UP THERE?” His voice grew louder as he climbed the stairs.

  “I’m in Sawyer’s room!” she called back. “The one with the mirrored ceiling!” she added, giggling.

  “They’ve all got mirrored fucking ceilings,” Daz grumbled when he found the room we were in. “You coming down? We’re gonna play strip poker!”

  “I’m coming down, but I’m not playing strip poker.”

  “What’s the matter? Know you’re gonna lose?”

  “Bullshit! I could play you guys under the table any day!”

  “Prove it,” Daz goaded with a wicked glint in his eye.

  “You’re on.”

  Elle practically jumped off the bed. Her face was eager and determined. Tonight sounded like it was going to be fun. I missed fun. I missed the guys. My mind has been so consumed with Jake lately I’ve neglected my best friends. The band bears my name and in that moment I realised I was letting them down.

  “Wait up, guys!” I hollered. “I’ll join you.”

  By 4AM I think it’s safe to say everyone was wasted. Elle never did make it up to Kip’s room, instead passing out in just her bra and knickers on one of the sectional couches. Kip was close by, snoring with his feet right in Elle’s face. Matt was well and truly stoned, sprawled across the coffee table completely naked. I’m sure he was losing on purpose – the dickwad was naked within the first five minutes of the game. Daz and Gavin gave up and went to bed a few hours ago and Pete and Neil were doing the nightshift, keeping an eye on the security cameras. That just left me and Jake.

  I’d had a few beers, but of course Jake stuck to sparkling water. There was no way he would let his guard down even for a second right now. He spent the whole night on high alert – back straight, eyes flitting from one window to the next.

  “I was looking forward to seeing your family again,” I told Jake, nursing a half empty bottle of beer in my hand. He was sitting so close to me, yet at the same time so far away. A few times my hand reached out to touch him and then I remembered where we were and pulled back.

  “I shouldn’t be telling you this,” he began, making my ears prick
up. “There’s a flight scheduled to Sydney next Tuesday. Together we decided getting you guys out of the country might be best right now. We needed to keep it off the books so to speak. Only essential people know right now and it needs to stay that way.”

  “So when were you guys planning to tell us?” I sounded pissed off, probably because I was. “You don’t think we’re essential? That this doesn’t concern us?”

  “Come on, Sawyer. You really think Matt would be able to keep this to himself? This is for your protection.”

  “I don’t get what difference another country is going to make. They got to me in the UK. How do you know they won’t touch us over there?”

  “I don’t,” he said simply, shrugging. “But right now, the whole world knows you’re here. We’re going to try and make the trip as confidential as we possibly can. Plus, we’re talking the other side of the world. We’re hoping whoever’s doing this hasn’t got the time, inclination or resources to follow us out there.”

  “So who’s coming?”

  “As it stands, you and the guys obviously. Pete, Neil and I will travel with you and David and Sayid are hanging back here to continue working with the police. Claire isn’t sure which option she’s taking yet.”

  “What about new security? You’re still hiring right?”

  “Yes. Interviews are being held later today, but there won’t be time to vet them thoroughly enough before we leave. I’ve told Claire she should stay behind and do that, then she can send some out to join us at a later date.”

  “When will you be telling the other guys? I don’t like keeping shit from them.”

  “And I don’t like keeping stuff from you, which is why I told you. But I also know you realise deep down how important this is, so I trust you to keep it to yourself.”

  “You know I will. So when?”

  “Tuesday morning. You’ll have just enough time to gather essentials before we leave for the airport. Anything else you guys need can be provided when we get there.”

  “Will everyone else be told Tuesday too? Elle, Laurelin…”

  “Ideally we don’t want to tell anyone else at all.”

  “I can’t not tell Elle, Jake.”

  “I thought you’d say that.”

  “And Lin’s my PA. She goes everywhere with me.”

  “You don’t need a fucking PA, Sawyer,” he grumbled. I never knew it bothered him so much. Did he not like Laurelin or something? “You have enough people running around after you. Stop being such a damn Queen.”

  “I didn’t realise you had such a problem with her? What’s she done to piss you off?”

  “It’s not Laurelin, it’s the principle. And… well she seems to have a stick up her arse beneath that pretentious, saccharine smile. I think she’s into you.”

  “Well of course she is. I’m Sawyer freakin’ Knight,” I teased, bumping my shoulder with his. It was the most contact we’d had all night and my dick started to stir from the closeness. “You’re not jealous are you?” I whispered. Even thought it appeared everyone around us was comatose, you can never guarantee there are no hidden ears listening in.

  “Completely. You’ve been straight for a long time, Sawyer. Of course it worries me you’ll start to miss it.” Wow. The air around us turned dark and serious instantaneously.

  “I wasn’t straight, Jake. You know that. No one has ever made me feel like you do.”

  Jake’s mobile started vibrating in his pocket and I was silently glad for the intrusion. The way he looked at me, so intense and wanting… I needed to take him to bed and I needed to do it now. My arms literally ached to take hold of his body and hold it to mine while I kissed him. That would’ve been a mistake, here in this house filled with so many other people, and if we’d have carried on talking, I don’t think I would’ve been strong enough not to risk it.

  “On my way,” he spoke firmly into his phone. After tapping the ‘End’ icon he turned back to me. “Neil’s reporting suspicious activity out by the entrance gates. It’s probably nothing, but I have to go and check it out.”

  “Be careful.” The words tumbled automatically from my mouth. I hated the danger this job put him in…and all because of me. It was never a concern really for anyone in my team in the past. We’ve had the odd crazy fan trying to climb the walls for an autograph but never have we experienced anything on this scale before.

  “Always am,” he assured. “Get to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Sighing, I nodded. I didn’t want to sleep without him tonight. It’s like a piece of my heart is attached to him by an invisible wire, and every time we’re apart he rips it out, taking it with him. I feel a sense of emptiness when he’s not by my side and I struggle to find my purpose. Sounds dramatic, I know, but Jake is the only person who really knows me. The only person I can share anything and everything with. He’s the other half of my soul. Now I just need to man the fuck up and tell the world that he’s mine.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I breathed a contented sigh as I pulled up on to my parents’ drive. We are a close family, always have been, and I missed them.

  “Jake!” my baby sister Lily squealed, bounding out of the house and running towards my car. I still think of her as a baby, despite the fact she’s fifteen. “You’re here!” I climbed out of the car and gave her a hug before I’d even shut the door behind me. “Where are they? Are they coming here?”

  She was talking about the band of course.

  “They’re settling into their hotel. Don’t worry, sis, you’ll get to meet them I promise.”

  “What are they like? Are they as cool as they are on TV? What about Kip? Is he as hot as he looks on the pictures?”

  Lily has had a crush on Isaac for the past three years. Although he and Elle told the rest of the band about their relationship a couple of days ago, it wasn’t public knowledge yet. Lily will be gutted I’m sure.

  “How about we go inside first, huh?”

  Not wasting a second, Lily ran back into the house. I locked up the car and followed her inside, smiling when I found my mum waiting for me in the living room.

  “I’m so glad to have you home,” Mum cooed, wrapping her arms around.

  “Glad to be here,” I agreed, pulling out of her hug. “Where’s Dad?”

  “Working. But he’ll be home this evening. We were hoping you could join us for dinner?”

  “I’ll try,” was the best I could offer. “We’re having some security issues with the guys right now. That’s kind of why we’re here.”

  “So go on!” Lily interrupted. “What’s Kip like? Is he hot?”

  “I think I can safely say they’re all pretty hot, Lils.”

  I’ve always called her Lils. She hates it, and I suspect that’s why I still do it. It’s a big brother’s prerogative to wind up his younger sister.

  “You’re so lucky,” she sighed. “Do you have fans fighting to get to them all the time? And what about photographers? I saw your picture in Star Style magazine last week! I took it to school and showed you off to all my friends! They couldn’t believe it.”

  “It’s pretty crazy,” I told her. “But I have a job to do. It’s not all about the fun and parties for me.”

  “Ugh, you’re always so serious about everything. At least tell me you ogle them when they’re not looking.”

  “Be hard not to,” I teased, winking at her. “I tell you what, I’ll give the guys a call in a little while and you can speak to them.”

  “OH MY GOD you’re kidding? I’m gonna call Katie and tell her to come round. Can she speak to them too?”

  “Sure,” I said, laughing at her excitement. Squealing, Lily ran out of the room, leaving me alone with my mum.

  “I’ve missed you, sweetheart,” she said, gently clapping my shoulder. “Let me go and put the kettle on.”

  “Actually I’ll have something from the fridge. The heat out there is intense today.”

  “I’ll turn the air conditioning up,” she said, wal
king out towards the kitchen. I followed her, leaning against the countertop while she grabbed me a can of Pepsi from the fridge. Next she opened the cupboard housing the air conditioning controls, pressed the relevant buttons and then turned to me with a serious expression. “Something’s troubling you.”

  “What? I’m fine. Tired from the flight, but fine.”

  “I’m your mother, Jake. I know when something isn’t right with you.”

  I wondered if all mothers had an inbuilt problem radar or if it was just mine.

  “I’m in love with Sawyer.” There. I’d blurted it out. Christ it felt good.

  “Sweetheart, you’ve been in love with that boy since you met him. I know it must hurt, but you can’t make someone love you back. I knew this was going to happen when you left.”

  “That’s just it. He does love me. We’re sort of together.”

  “Sort of?”

  “He’s not ready to come out. He says he will, but God knows how long that will take. I love him so much, Mum. I just want everyone to know it.”

  “Oh, sweetheart. I hate to see you hurting like this.”

  “I’m not hurting. Not really. I’ve got Sawyer, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s just so hard having to watch what I’m saying, having to remember I can’t touch him, or even smile at him when people are around. I never thought I’d have to run back into the closet after all these years.”

  “And… you’re sure he feels the same?” she questioned carefully. “He’s not exactly famous for being the committed type. You’ve seen the papers, he has a different woman in his bed every other night.”

  “Had,” I corrected. “I know what it looks like from the outside, but you don’t know him. No one does, really. The women were just a distraction for him. I actually think he was using them to prove to himself that he wasn’t gay. He’s scared. Afraid he’ll lose everything and everyone around him if he comes out. I have no doubt his mum would disown him, but he has so many other people who love him. His best friend, his band mates… they’d all stick by him I know they would.”