Down & Dirty: Linc (Dirty Angels MC Book 9)

by Jeanne St. James

  He closed his eyes and his fingers curled into fists.

  Why? Why did he have to lose everything he loved?

  Every. Fucking. Thing.

  What did he do to deserve any of it?

  He wished he knew because he’d fix it if he could. He’d do anything to make it right.

  With his jaw set, he lifted his foot and slammed his heavy boot into the crib. He didn’t stop until there was nothing left to splinter.

  He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stay at the apartment over the pawn shop anymore. He couldn’t stay there without Jayde.

  He couldn’t lay in that big bed staring up at the mirror while she remained in a hospital bed.

  In the past, he’d always slept by himself. Then only with Jayde once they moved into their place together.

  Now he didn’t want to sleep alone.

  But he had no choice.

  She wasn’t coming back to their place.

  She wasn’t coming back to him.

  And he couldn’t bear to see her side of the bed empty. He couldn’t stand to hear the quiet. He couldn’t bear the loneliness that had seeped into his bones.

  After he had taken the pieces of the destroyed crib out to the dumpster, he’d gone on a long ride, in an attempt to clear his head. To try to figure out what to do next.

  But he just couldn’t.

  Instead, he headed south into West Virginia and didn’t stop until he hit the cemetery.

  He’d stayed there all night.

  After propping the sonogram images against the base of the headstones, he’d laid in the grass in the center of the three graves. He positioned himself directly over his father’s final resting place. He stretched out his arms until he could touch the edge of his sister’s to the left and his mother’s to the right.

  Everyone he’d ever loved had left him. And he could have prevented it.

  Him.

  He could’ve done something about it. But he hadn’t. He fucked up.

  He should’ve been on time to pick up Jayde. But he wasn’t. He fucked up.

  He was a hollow shell with nothing left on the inside. Completely empty and lost.

  Jayde was right. He hadn’t wanted that baby.

  Until he did.

  And now he didn’t even have that.

  As the morning sun rose above the horizon and a fog covered the ground, he picked himself up off the grass, his body leaving a silhouette behind like a ghost in the dew. When he mounted his sled again, he wasn’t sure where to go.

  West Virginia was no longer home.

  And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to return to Shadow Valley.

  Though he loved his brothers, right now he couldn’t muster up anything.

  Dead.

  He was dead inside.

  Seeing Jayde in that hospital bed, her face swollen and bruised, her arms discolored, too. Bandages and IVs. Flecks of dried blood in her hair and on her skin that someone hadn’t taken the time to wash away. The stitches over her left eye. Her swollen lip.

  The slight mound of her belly that no longer held his son.

  He didn’t realize just how much he wanted him until after he was gone. And now Linc knew there hadn’t been anything he wanted more.

  Except for Jayde.

  His second chance for a family had splintered into a million tiny fragments. And he had no idea how to put those pieces back together again.

  None.

  Grief and hopelessness ate at his insides as he mounted his sled, hit the starter and headed back north with his past at his back and his unknown future before him.

  Hours later, he pulled up to In the Shadows Ink and through the large picture window that made up the shop’s storefront, he saw Crow hunched over his drawing table, most likely designing a custom piece for a customer.

  Crow glanced up, spotted him through the window and moved away from the table toward the front door. Within seconds it opened, and Crow filled the doorway.

  “Brother,” he greeted. His voice was soft, heavy with sorrow.

  Linc wanted to go in, but he was having a tough time getting off his sled. He wasn’t sure if what he was about to do was a good idea.

  But then, did it matter?

  “Brother,” Crow murmured again, his brows furrowed low. “Linc...”

  Linc nodded and when he could finally move, swung his leg over his bike, and headed inside with Crow.

  Crow squeezed his arm, his almost-black eyes troubled, and asked, “How’s Jayde?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Brother... why’re you here instead of the hospital?”

  Linc shook his head. “Not wanted there.”

  Crow’s dark eyes searched Linc’s face, then he just nodded. “Whataya need?”

  “Some ink.”

  Crow nodded again. “Lemme get set up. Know what you want?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I need to draw somethin’ up?”

  “No.”

  Crow gave him a single solemn nod once more. “Got it. Gimme a few.”

  For the next ten minutes, Linc stood in the center of the tattoo shop, almost as if in a daze, as he watched Crow prepare the tattoo chair by wrapping it with plastic. Squeeze black ink into tiny cups, test his tattoo machine with the foot pedal.

  When he was ready, Crow called out, “Where at?” and jerked his chin in an indication for Linc to come over.

  Where at? The only place he could imagine. “Over my heart.”

  Crows lips thinned, and his nostrils flared slightly, before saying, “Don’t got a lot of space there.”

  “Gonna be small.”

  Crow cleared his throat roughly, then murmured, “Right.” His expression remained shuttered as he watched Linc shed his cut and then peel off his tee.

  After Linc settled onto the chair, Crow reclined it. Moving the light stand closer, he wiped down Linc’s skin over where his heart used to be, then waited.

  After a few silent minutes, Crow finally murmured, “Gotta say it sometime. Gotta get it out.”

  Linc’s eyes flicked to him then back up to the ceiling. “Yeah...” He let the name swirl around in his mind, before releasing it out into the world. “Jaymes.” Then he spelled it out slowly, taking his time to carefully say each letter, to make sure he didn’t break while he did.

  Crow said nothing. Only put his head down and began to work.

  When he was done, Crow pushed back, wiped the tattoo down, then covered it with A&D Ointment. He lifted his chin, silently telling Linc to go look at it in the full-length mirror on the wall.

  Linc sucked in a deep breath, once again tried to swallow down the lump in his throat that never seemed to disappear, and headed over to the mirror.

  It took a few moments until he was able to let his gaze drop to the fresh tattoo. To those raised, black scrolled letters over his heart.

  They were small, because Crow was right, he didn’t have much skin that wasn’t previously inked. But he could see them and that was all that mattered.

  “Don’t let him stop you from getting what you want,” Crow said softly.

  Linc knew who Crow was talking about without him saying it.

  “You two have wanted each other for years now. Understood why you didn’t go after what you wanted. That shit’s tough. See Axel an’ Bella dealin’ with it, makes it hard on their relationship. Z’s now accepted the fact that shit ain’t ever gonna change. Hopin’ one day it does but can’t say it ever will. Doesn’t mean she ain’t meant for you. You’d know it if she was. You’d feel that shit right under the spot where I just gave you that ink.”

  He stared at Crow in the mirror since the older man was standing directly behind him. “Know what that feels like?”

  Crow shook his head, his long jet-black braid sliding across his back. “Can’t say I do. Somethin’ ‘bout us brothers, though. When it’s right, we know it. We fight for it, no matter what. We move those barriers, even if they seem to be an endless range of unscalable mountains.”

&
nbsp; He turned to watch Crow move away to pick up Linc’s T-shirt and bring it back over to him. Linc gripped it tightly as the ink slinger continued.

  “We’ve all watched you an’ Jayde circle each other. All knew it was comin’. Just didn’t know when. Jaymes wasn’t a fuckin’ mistake. He was a way to finally bring you two together. Gotta look at him as if he was your guide. Now it’s in your hands what you fuckin’ do with what he gave you, brother. Gonna waste that opportunity or use it?”

  Linc opened his mouth to admit he had no idea what he was going to do, but Crow’s next words made him rethink that.

  “If you’re feelin’ what you’re feelin’, how do you think Jayde’s feelin’? She dealt with a lot of shit. Gonna deal with more ‘cause of Mitch. An’ you just walked away. Brother, think,” he tapped his finger against his temple. “You want her. She needs to know it. Wanna help her through this, then you fuckin’ help... her... through... this. Her loss. Your loss. Fuck Mitch. Show her what she means to you. Share your strength with her. She’s gonna need it.”

  “I don’t know, brother.”

  “You know. Just wait ‘til the cloud clears, you’ll see the light. Promise you that.”

  Linc hoped Crow was right. But then Crow was right all those years ago when Linc stumbled across his tattoo shop and the long-time DAMC member said that his club would be perfect for Linc.

  Crow’s wisdom was legendary in the club. He was rarely wrong. It was also rare when he didn’t know the right things to say.

  The man had a gift.

  Linc tugged his shirt over his head.

  “Know the drill. Keep it clean. Clean T-shirt, ointment. Got me?”

  “Yeah.” Linc moved over to where his cut was hanging on the back of a chair. He stared at the rockers and insignia for a moment.

  He ran his fingers over the top patch. Dirty Angels. Then the bottom. Shadow Valley.

  “Put on your colors, take a breath, then go take care of your woman.”

  With a slight nod, Linc shrugged his cut over his shoulders and walked out the door.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “What the fuck you doin’ here?”

  Linc released the tap once the pint glass was full and ignored Hawk. He moved down to the end of the bar and slid the beer in front of the waiting customer.

  A large hand gripped the back of his neck and he was forcefully whipped around to face the man. Linc raised his fists to defend himself, but Hawk released him and shook his head. Linc realized it was disappointment more than anger that filled the larger man’s eyes.

  “Kitchen. Now.”

  Without waiting for Linc, Hawk lumbered toward the double-swinging doors as he grumbled curses under his breath. Linc did a chin lift to Jester, who stood with his mouth hanging open after watching that exchange, for him to take over serving the customers.

  He reluctantly followed Hawk into the busy kitchen. The club’s VP ignored the hustling staff and swung on Linc, pointing a finger back toward The Iron Horse. “What the fuck you doin’?”

  Linc shrugged. “Working.”

  “Got fuckin’ eyes in my head. Wanna know why.”

  Linc stared at his boots for a long moment, gathered his shit, then lifted his gaze until it met Hawk’s. “’Cause I don’t know what else to fuckin’ do.”

  Hawk’s head jerked back. “Whataya mean?”

  “Don’t know what else to do. I got nothing else.”

  Hawk’s chest visibly expanded before blowing out a loud, long breath. “Nothin’ wrong with takin’ some time to figure shit out. Got the bar covered. Didn’t expect you to work it right now.”

  “Need to work.”

  Hawk stared at him for a moment and then nodded. “Yeah,” he grunted. “Heard you stayed upstairs last night.”

  “Yeah.”

  Hawk pursed his lips as he studied Linc for a minute. “Jayde’s home.”

  The way she had looked in the hospital and with everything that happened to her, he expected her to remain there longer. He had also figured that Mitch had taken up sentry outside her room and would have blocked him from seeing her, anyway. “Already?”

  “Yeah. Keeks an’ Bella went over to help April get ‘er set up, get ‘er comfortable.” He paused, then with a rough voice said, “When Keeks got... When Keeks...” Hawk cleared his throat, shook his head, then tried again. “When the Warriors fucked with her, her asshole ex came to the hospital an’ tried to take ‘er home. There was no fuckin’ way I was lettin’ him take care of my woman.” Hawk gave him a hard look. “Got me?”

  Yeah, he got what Hawk was saying.

  “So give it a couple days if you gotta. Let her parents coddle her. But then go get your fuckin’ woman. Got me?” When Linc didn’t answer him, Hawk continued, “Brother, she’s your woman, right?”

  “Fuck yeah,” he released on a breath.

  Hawk nodded at his answer. “Then you know what to do.”

  Yeah, he had to convince Jayde that she was his woman. Baby or no baby.

  Mitch or no Mitch.

  Shit.

  Crow was right. Hawk was right. But he needed to talk to Z first. Linc needed to make sure he wasn’t pissing Zak off by taking what was his.

  Which was his president’s sister.

  Linc’s heart thumped heavily in his chest as he dropped his fist and waited for someone to open the front door. A bead of sweat popped out on his forehead and he quickly wiped it away. He didn’t think it was from the hot summer weather. No, it might be from the same fucking reason his asshole was a bit puckered right now.

  He cursed under his breath when he heard heavy footsteps coming his way.

  The door opened, and Mitch Jamison’s initial surprise quickly turned into a scowl. “Not sure why you’re here. But whatever the reason is, just get it out of your head, turn around and leave. You’re trespassing.”

  Linc set his jaw. “Not leaving. Never should’ve left her hospital room.”

  “You did the right thing leaving. Now do it again.”

  Linc shook his head. “It was my job to protect her. My job to protect my kid. I fuckin’ failed. I fucked up.”

  “No chance of that happening again since you’re going to turn around and leave. Do the right thing, boy. Do it for her. She doesn’t need to be a part of that shit and you know it. Look where it landed her.”

  Look where it landed her.

  “I wanna see her.” Linc said, his heart thumping like a bass drum in his chest after hearing Jayde's father’s words.

  “No chance of that happening, either.”

  Linc tried to look past his body, which was blocking the doorway. Linc was slightly bigger than him, so he could take the man if he needed to. But he’d rather do this another way. For Jayde’s sake. “Wanna see her. I’m taking her home.”

  “She is home.”

  No. It used to be but wasn’t any longer. Her home was with him. What he said out loud was, “No reason for her to be living with her parents. She’s a grown woman.”

  He should know better than to try to rationalize with the man. He would never give in. Never be convinced. Linc might as well bang his head against the brick face of the Jamisons’ house.

  Mitch took a step forward but Linc held his ground. Pulling his shoulders back, he waited. There was no way he was leaving without Jayde. Even if he had to do it bleeding.

  But the cop only closed the door behind him, stepped out onto the porch, and said, “I know your background, Lincoln. I did a check. I know who you are. I know where you came from and I know where you were headed. I know what happened. Even so, I’m not sure how you got off the right tracks onto the wrong ones. Not sure why you gave up everything to have nothing. But it makes me even more disappointed in you that you had the world by the balls and you just let them go. You gave up. My daughter needs better than a quitter.”

  Wrong tracks. Nothing. You gave up. A quitter.

  No matter how much he wanted to argue those facts, he couldn’t. “Your daughter dese
rves the best.”

  “And that’s not you.”

  Mitch was right, but Linc wasn’t going to admit it to Jayde’s father. Instead, he would continue the good fight. “And that’s where you’re wrong.”

  Mitch shook his head and made a noise. “What in the hell do you have to offer her? You wanted a piece of ass, you got it. You got jammed up. You’re now unjammed.”

  Linc jerked his head back and went solid, growling, “Ain’t a piece of ass.”

  “You’re right, she’s not. I just made my point, Andrew. She’s not a piece of ass. She has a good future, but that future will be tarnished if she’s with you. She has goals that will remain unfulfilled if she ends ups with a damn biker like you. There’s a reason I kept my kids away from that club. Do you think I like that my grandson will be raised in that hell? No. I fucking hate it. I have no say in that matter, but with Jayde I do. She’s the only one left that I can save from it all. Zak’s in so deep he’ll never see the light. Axel’s now skating on the edge. I’m not going to let my only daughter fall into that quagmire. And by being with you, that’s what will happen. She’ll never be safe. She deserves better than that. She deserves better than you.” He tilted his head and studied Linc. “You could’ve made something of yourself. You had a future. You threw it all away. If you feel anything for my daughter, you won’t want her to do the same.”

  After listening to the man’s little “lecture,” Linc had one of this own. “If you know everything about me than you know I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved. But I’m not willing to lose Jayde. So no matter what you say, no matter what you do, I’m not walking away from her. You can’t keep her locked up in your house forever. Telling you right now, I’m gonna fight for her. And I don’t want this to fuck up her relationship with you. I want you in her life, even if you refuse to ever let me in your house or eat at your table. I’m okay with that. Want you and April in our kids’ lives. Because we will have kids and family’s important. So fuckin’ important. She loves you. Loves her mother. Hoping she loves me. If not, I’m hoping she’ll give me a shot and come to love me. Wanna do right by her, but not by walking away. That’s not doing her right. She isn’t a little girl anymore. She’s a woman, and you need to see her as such. You need to respect her decisions, even if they aren’t the ones that you think she should make. You fucked up with Z. You could fix things with your son if you wanted to. Figuring it kills you to not spend time with your only grandchild. Just gotta fix it. Gotta accept your kids are gonna make mistakes, make their own decisions, even ones you don’t like. Doesn’t mean you should shut them out.” He dropped his head and shook it. “Only wished my family was still around. I miss them every day. They would’ve loved her.” He raised his gaze to meet Mitch’s, whose expression was guarded. “You don’t know what a gift you have. One you’re wasting. One day you’re gonna realize you missed out on seeing your grandchildren get grown. And you’re gonna kick yourself when you do. Don’t make the same mistake you made with Z with Jayde.” Linc sucked in a breath. “You said you know me. But do you really? You only read shit on paper. Probably read reports, newspaper articles.” He pounded on his own chest with his palm. “But you don’t know me in here.”