Toys and Baby Wishes

by Karen Rose Smith

  "Your father has a right to worry about you and Dani. You don't want to listen to him and take his advice so you're putting up obstacles. He has a legitimate concern. What are you going to do if you adopt Dani's baby and next year or the year after, she wants it back? If there's any indication that she wants to keep this baby, you should encourage her."

  Lexa knew her judgment was shadowed by the past and Josh was trying to make her see the reality of the situation now. "I have encouraged her. We've weighed the pros and cons. She doesn't want the baby; she wants to get on with her life. Dad has no business trying to persuade her to keep it. I don't want him interfering."

  Josh's blue eyes glittered with concern. "Lexa, he wants to advise you. Just listen to him. Try to objectively weigh what he has to say. Don't you want to get closer to him, not only for your sake, but for Dani's and the baby's?"

  "Of course, I do. But it's not that simple. You're a stranger to the whole thing--"

  "Yes, I am. And because I am, I can be more objective than you can. Maybe you should take a long look at the whole situation and try to gain some objectivity yourself."

  Josh stood, gave her a look filled with meaning, and left her alone.

  ***

  Lexa walked through the back yard, down the flagstone path that led to the rose garden. Rows of bushes formed a square around a bronze sundial. Bare stems with thorns reached toward the grey sky. It was hard to believe that in the spring and summer the garden raged with color. Now it looked barren, asleep. Lexa raised her face to the sky and felt dampness on her face. Rain or sleet was coming. She could sense it, smell it, feel it.

  She didn't notice the November bleakness when Josh was around. He was a tonic filling her life with laughter and sunshine. So why couldn't she listen to his advice? He had been blind to his aunt's concerns. Was she blind to her father's? What were his reasons for being an uninvolved father? Had he wanted to be involved? Had Loretta somehow prevented him? How had he felt when she and Dani left home? Was he lonely then? Was he lonely now? Wasn't it time to make peace or at least attempt to?

  Lexa walked the grounds. A fine mist began to fall. When her fingers grew frosty, she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her car coat. Walking by a rock garden that in the warm months housed a three-tiered fountain, she remembered playing in it with Dani.

  Did Josh really believe Dani should keep her child? If he did, did that mean he didn't want an adopted child? A man could love children, all children, but still want his own. Where did that leave her?

  Lexa's toes became as cold as her nose, and she slowly walked back to the house. She let herself in the sliding glass doors that led into a large family room. Dani was curled on the sofa watching television. She turned down the sound with the remote. "Did you and Dad have a fight?"

  "I guess you could say that."

  "He means well."

  "Maybe he does," Lexa admitted. She studied her sister carefully. "Dani, are you having second thoughts about the adoption, because if you are..."

  "I'm not, Lexa. I think Dad would like nothing better than me moving in here with the baby. Don't ask me why, it's just the impression I get. But that's not what I want."

  "What do you want?"

  "What I want, I can't have."

  Fear washed over Lexa. What if Dani and Rob did get back together? What would she do? What would Dani want? How would Josh feel if she didn't adopt this child and then he discovered she couldn't have children? Dani was the only person who knew that.

  Lexa sat down next to Dani and hugged her. "I love you. I want you to be happy."

  "I know you do, and I will be. Some day." Releasing her sister, Lexa asked, "Where is everybody?"

  "Dad's in his office. Josh is in the kitchen raiding the refrigerator. He's really a great guy, Sis. You're lucky. Does he know...?"

  "That I can't have children? Not yet. I have to tell him...soon. Everything's happened so fast." Lexa pushed herself to her feet. "I'm going to talk to Dad. Maybe I can convince him we know what we're doing. We do know what we're doing, don't we?"

  Dani's eyes were a bit brighter than usual, but she shook her head. "Yes. I don't want to give the baby to a stranger. There's no other way."

  Lexa patted Dani's hand and went to her dad's office.

  ***

  Josh felt as if he'd been socked in the eye with a baseball. Stunned. Hurt. And angry as hell. Why hadn't Lexa told him?

  He went back to the kitchen, trying to absorb what he'd heard in the hallway. Lexa couldn't have children. That explained a lot. Her defensive attitude about adopting Dani's baby. Her fervor. But most of all, her attitude where their relationship was concerned. He'd known she was being hesitant about something. Lexa was an all-out type of person. But he could sense she was still holding back. And now he knew why.

  She couldn't have children. What did that mean to him? To them?

  He examined his heart. Yes, he wanted children. But Lexa was more important. He wanted her. They could adopt children. If not Dani's, others. What concerned him most was Lexa's lack of trust.

  Had he given her reason not to trust him? And how far would she take it? When would she tell him?

  When they'd made love, he'd thought they'd opened their hearts to each other. He'd opened his heart to her. She'd kept up a barrier.

  Should he confront her or let her come to him?

  ***

  Donald Kittredge was sitting at his desk, charts lying on the blotter in front of him. He looked up when Lexa sat down in the Windsor chair across from him. "Is it cold enough to snow?"

  "Maybe." She rubbed her hands together because they still weren't warm.

  Donald's dark brown eyes stared into his daughter's. "Lexa, how can we have a normal father-daughter relationship?"

  Her voice cracked when she answered, "I'm not sure what that is."

  "Do you have too much resentment built up to try?"

  "Dad, I don't know what to say."

  "Then don't say anything. Listen."

  She nodded.

  He steepled his fingers together on the edge of the desk. "I know I wasn't around much when your mother was alive. When you were born, my business was just starting out. I worked eighteen-hour days to give my family everything I could, everything my father couldn't afford to give me. I wanted to send you to the finest schools, buy you the best money could buy. Is there something wrong with that?"

  She felt vaguely ashamed. "No, I suppose not. But don't you realize I would have rather had your time instead of a higher income bracket?"

  "Honey, I was driven. My father was unemployed a lot. Sometimes we didn't have enough food to eat. I swore that would never happen to my family."

  "I never knew that," Lexa said with a glimmer of understanding.

  He picked up a sterling letter opener and tapped it on the ball of his thumb. "It wasn't something I liked to talk about. It was a miserable time, better forgotten. But I want you to understand."

  "I understand how it might have started. But did you have to work that hard year after year?"

  "I thought I did." He put the swordlike object along the side of the blotter. "Your mother understood me. She understood my need for security--to make enough money so we'd never have to worry about finances, so we could give you and Dani good lives."

  "Money doesn't do that, Dad."

  He leaned forward to try to explain. "I know. I know now. I married Loretta so you'd have more than money."

  "You aren't serious!"

  "I am. You were twelve; Dani was eight. You needed a mother."

  "Loretta wasn't a mother. She didn't even care!"

  "I didn't see that until too late. I was in so much pain from your mother's death that Loretta seemed like a godsend. It took me too long to find out she wasn't."

  "Five years," Lexa murmured.

  Her father heard and sat back with a sigh. "Your mother and I fell in love instantly when we were young. We had immediate trust, immediate respect. I was so anxious to find that again
that I let Loretta pull the wool over my eyes. When I woke up and realized what was going on, you and Dani had grown away from me."

  "What finally made you get a divorce? I never knew. It happened so suddenly. One day she was here, the next she was gone."

  "She was having an affair. When I confronted her, she admitted it wasn't the first. I ordered her out of the house."

  "Dad, I didn't know." Tears came to her eyes for her father, for the hurt he must have felt, the complete sense of betrayal. "How could she do that to you? Why didn't you tell me? Maybe I could have helped."

  He smiled. "That's like you, wanting to help. Maybe I should have told you. Maybe it could have brought us back together. You and Dani were practically grown. You were more reserved than Dani. We had no basis for a relationship. I didn't want to spoil your idealism. But maybe I should have told you. Maybe things would be different now if I had." He paused, cleared his throat, and said, "I want you to know, Lexa, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of the way you've looked out for your sister. You might think I didn't notice, but I did. It's why I'm concerned now."

  Emotions clogged Lexa's throat. But she finally got out, "Dad, you don't have to be."

  "Lexa, let me help."

  She swallowed the lump in her throat. "There's nothing to help with. Dani is sure about this and so am I."

  "Why are you so sure, honey? You're almost desperate about this."

  Maybe if she told him, he'd understand. Maybe it would help her prepare to tell Josh. "Dad, I might never be able to have children."

  Her father looked stunned. "You're sure?"

  "I've had some testing. The outlook isn't good. I'd love Dani's baby as if it were my own."

  "Lexa, I'm so sorry. I know you'd love Dani's baby but..." He stopped. "I can see you're determined about this. Dani seems to be too. But will you promise me something?"

  "What?"

  "If you need help, you'll call me."

  This was the olive branch, the starting over point. Their father wanted to share their lives. Lexa blinked back tears as her heart warmed with a glow that hadn't been there in years. "I'll call you. Or Dani will call you. But don't worry about it, Dad. We'll be all right."

  "You can call even if you don't need me. Visit more. I want to spend time with this grandchild, Lexa. Will you let me?"

  Compassion for her father, the losses he had sustained---her mother, Loretta--all the pain, the distance between them that was her fault too, overwhelmed Lexa. "Oh, Dad." She smiled tremulously. "Of course, I will, if that's what you want. A child can't be loved too much." She watched his eyes glisten with feeling and she realized she had just given her father a gift as well as giving herself one.

  "Honey, I've always done what I think is best for you. Maybe that never came through, but it was what I intended."

  With sudden insight, Lexa understood one aspect of parenting. "I guess all a parent can do is try his best."

  "Do you forgive me for helping you get started with your career?"

  "I shouldn't have gotten so angry, but I wanted to succeed on my own."

  "You have. You'll always succeed at what you do. You're that type of person."

  They sat quietly for a few minutes until Donald said, "I like Josh."

  Lexa said simply, "I do, too." And then she did something she hadn't done in years. She got out of her chair, sent around the desk and gave her father a hug. He hugged her back.

  A few minutes later, Lexa found Josh at the breakfast bar in the kitchen with a wedge of pie and a cup of coffee. She went to the coffee maker and poured herself a cup. "It's cold outside." When Josh didn't comment and she glanced at his set expression, she realized there was a chill in here. Was he angry about their almost-argument? She opened the refrigerator, grabbed the carton of milk and poured some into her coffee.

  Carrying the mug to the bar, she hopped up onto the rattan stool next to Josh. "Did you find what you wanted? There's leftover turkey and filling."

  He swallowed his last bite of pie and pushed the dish away. "I wasn't that hungry. Dani seemed to want some time alone, so I came in here."

  "That was thoughtful."

  He shot her a speaking glance. Lexa put her mug down on the counter. "Josh, I'm sorry about earlier. I know you were only trying to help."

  "But you can't accept help, can you, Lexa?"

  There was an odd note in his voice. She had thought she'd tell him about the conversation with her father and he'd be happy for her. "What do you mean?"

  He swung his long body around toward her, one hand braced on the bar, his other set stubbornly on his thigh. "I mean, you know how to give, but you don't know how to receive. You're so damn independent, you can't let anyone help you. Let me tell you, Lexa. Giving without receiving is pure manipulation."

  "That's not true!" She was hurt that he could feel that way about her.

  "It is true. If you give and don't accept back, you make others beholden to you. Did you ever think that maybe Dani feels as if she owes you this child?"

  "That's ridiculous!"

  "No, it's not. You practically raised her."

  Lexa buried any doubts she had and defended them both. "She's as sure about this as I am."

  "But why? And why are you so sure you're doing the right thing? Are you trying to earn Dani's approval. Your father's?"

  "I'm not trying to get anyone's approval."

  "I'm not so sure about that. You do it all the time. You make a career of serving others to get their approval."

  Anger rose in her but she kept a lid on it. "You're wrong."

  "I don't think so. You admitted you wanted your dad's attention and approval when you were growing up. And you never felt as if you earned it. So you give and do for everyone you can, to get the pat on the back you never received. I think you're afraid to let yourself be loved for who you are rather than what you do."

  "I think your amateur analysis is off the wall! I'm the one who took psychology in college."

  "A lot of good it did if you can't use it for your own benefit."

  She turned away from him, picked up her mug, jumped off the stool, and poured her coffee in the sink. She started to leave the kitchen but as quick as lightning, Josh stood up and grabbed her shoulders. "Don't run away from me."

  She tried to twist away. "I'm not running away. I simply see no reason to stay here and let you take pot shots at me." As his hands gripped harder, she ordered, "Let me go."

  He held up his hands, freeing her. "Okay, go."

  His easy surrender made her stand stock still. Josh could see the hurt in her eyes. He'd handled this all wrong. He was hurt she couldn't confide in him, and he wondered why. Why didn't she trust him?

  He'd wanted her to see she could rely on people, too, that she could confide in him and he'd still love her. But he'd gone about it the wrong way. He'd been sitting here trying to think everything through, how much children mattered to him. How much Lexa mattered to him. Even if he was right about the way she grew up, he shouldn't have let it all spill out like that--like an accusation. That would only push her farther away and she wouldn't be able to trust him enough to tell him her secret. Because trust was the major issue here. Until she trusted him, she wouldn't confide in him.

  The hurt on her face squeezed Josh's heart. He never wanted to hurt her. There was only one thing he could say that might make a difference. He hadn't said it yet, maybe because he sensed she was still resisting him. But maybe if he took the risk of saying it first, she'd understand she could trust him.

  "Lexa, I love you."

  "Oh, Josh. I..."

  He put his fingers over her lips. "You don't have to say anything."

  Her eyes filled with tears.

  He locked his hands behind her back. "Think about what I said, okay? You're a loving, compassionate woman. And you don't have to do anything to be loved. I love you just the way you are."

  She stroked his jaw. "You're so important to me, Josh. And that makes me afraid."

  "Don't be af
raid. We'll find our way together. Trust me."

  He saw the anxiety and the doubts in her eyes. He didn't know how to wipe them away. So he kissed her. When he began the kiss, he held back--until she parted her lips. He claimed ownership, branded, demanded. His arms brought her against his chest. Her breasts thrust forward and he could tell she was aroused by the hardening of her nipples.

  He let his kiss tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to draw from her all the love she could give, but he wanted to give to her too...and teach her how to receive.

  He tore his mouth from hers and nuzzled her neck. "If we don't stop this now, I'll take you on the kitchen table."

  She pulled back slowly and a small smile played across her lips. "That would be a new experience."

  He growled, pulled her to him again, pressed her body into his beginning at her shoulders, then her back, then her hips. When she shivered from the contact made more delicious from the friction of clothes, he broke the embrace and set her away. "We'd better have a cup of coffee until I have a few minutes to cool down." He leaned his forehead against hers. "I guess you know it's not fair."

  "What isn't?"

  He drew one finger down the middle of her back over her derriere. "Women can get hot and bothered and nothing shows. It's a little more difficult for a man to hide his feelings."

  She smiled at him coyly. "Are you sure you want to hide them?"

  "I want to do something about them," he grumbled.

  She caressed his cheek with such tenderness, his hand shook. "I'll visit you tonight. After everybody goes to bed."

  "You could stay all night."

  "Yes, I could."

  The doubts were still there. When would she trust him enough not only to lay in his arms but to tell him she couldn't have children?

  ***

  When Lexa opened her eyes the next morning, brilliant sun was streaming through the windows. She was turned on her side and Josh's long length was tight against her back, his arm around her waist. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and rubbed her fingers across the forearm that held her captive.

  Within a few minutes she felt his lips on the back of her neck. "Mornin'. Did you sleep well?"