Toys and Baby Wishes

by Karen Rose Smith

  Tom rolled up the blueprints and stuffed them in a cardboard tube. "That's fine."

  Josh had a stop to make at the jewelers before he went home to change for Lexa's award dinner. He extended his hand and shook Tom's. "I'll be waiting to hear from you."

  Josh left Norman's office with a sense of urgency. This was it. The most important night of his life. He couldn't wait for it to begin.

  ***

  Lexa heard the apartment door shut and she called to Josh from his bedroom. "I'm in here. We're both running late." When he appeared in the doorway, she asked, "Have you been with the contractor again?"

  She was pulling sheer hose up her legs. The sight was pleasurable and as always when he looked at her, desire stirred. "Yes. And I had to do some last minute Christmas shopping."

  Lexa stood. "For me?" she asked impishly.

  His attitude was smug. "Maybe." The box in his pocket was for Christmas, but he'd ask the question tonight. He stripped off his shirt and trousers. "It's nothing for you to be concerned with right now. Are you jittery about the dinner?"

  "I had an acceptance speech all prepared, but the more I think about it, it sounds stilted."

  Josh rifled through his closet for a clean white shirt. "Just say what's in your heart. You don't need a speech."

  Lexa had decided to dress at Josh's so they could leave together. She was glad she had. She could share her excitement but calm her nerves. She took a flame-colored dress from its hanger and dropped it over her head, but she had trouble trying to raise the back zipper.

  Josh stepped into the slacks of his navy blue suit, fastened them, and went to help Lexa. He pulled up the zipper, ran his hands up her exposed back and buttoned the button at the back of her neck. Turning her around, he placed his hands on her hips and with undisguised desire viewed the halter top clinging seductively to her breasts.

  "You're a siren tonight, Alexandra Kittredge. Enough to drive a man out of his mind. I don't think I want anyone else ogling you."

  Lexa played her fingers down the middle of his chest, stopping at the waist of his trousers. "And you're too handsome for your own good. When the women at this shindig see you..." She affected a sigh and rolled her eyes.

  "Then we're the perfect couple. So perfect that maybe we should do something about it."

  "We don't have time," she joked.

  "That wasn't what I had in mind." He could see she didn't understand. He wondered why the words were suddenly so hard to get out. What if she said 'no'? What if she didn't want to get married? They hadn't talked about it.

  "Josh?" she asked.

  "I didn't think this would be so hard."

  "What?"

  "You really have no idea?"

  "Do you want me to guess? Are we going to play twenty questions?"

  His hands tightened on her waist. "I don't want to play, not right now anyway. I want to know if you'll marry me."

  The hoarseness of his voice, the importance of the question, made her knees weak. "What?"

  "What do I have to do? Get down on one knee? Will you marry me?"

  "Are you sure?" she asked breathlessly.

  "I'm sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you, Alexandra Kittredge. More than I ever thought possible. I want to set up housekeeping, go on a honeymoon, and start preparing to raise our family." His whole body was tense until she threw her arms around his neck and he heard, "Yes, Josh. Yes. I'll marry you. Of course, I'll marry you."

  His lips swooped down and kissed hers with bruising intensity. His tongue darted into hers, passionately stroked, lovingly swept until they were both breathing raggedly. When he released her, he said huskily, "This is the damnedest time to be going to a dinner."

  She smiled shakily and suddenly looked worried. "Maybe it won't last too long."

  "Fat chance," he muttered. "I've got lousy timing. I was going to wait until we came home, but I couldn't hold it in."

  "I'm glad." She stroked his cheek. "I love you, Josh. I want to be your wife. When we get home, I'll show you exactly how much."

  "You think knowing that is going to help me get through an evening with you sitting at a head table not even close enough to touch?"

  "The touching will come later," she promised.

  "You're not helping, Lexa," he growled.

  She smiled coyly and let her hands roam across his shoulders. "Are you complaining?"

  "I am. I want to make love to you now."

  She dropped her hands and stepped back. "All good things come to those who wait."

  "You're a tease," he grumbled, brought her into his chest for a hard kiss, then intentionally set her away. "Finish dressing before I decide to undress you."

  A half hour later, Josh sat at a table with Clare and other people with whom Lexa had worked on sundry committees. He made polite conversation but kept his eyes on Lexa as she spoke with the mayor, who was seated on her right and another recipient for an award on her left. He marveled at the way she could make herself at home anywhere with anyone. He imagined her with a baby in her arms, her eyes glistening with love as she rocked a child--their child--to sleep. She was a remarkable woman who would make a remarkable mother.

  Clare elbowed Josh. "You're staring."

  Josh grinned. "That lady's going to be my wife."

  "Does she know that?" Clare inquired with a smile.

  "I asked her tonight and she said yes. So you can go shopping for something to wear to the wedding."

  "Have you set a date?" Clare asked.

  "Not yet. But I want it to be soon. There's no reason to wait."

  "If Lexa wants a church wedding or a reception, you might have to wait. Weddings take planning."

  "I never thought of that. I'd like to elope. No fuss, no bother."

  "Now, Josh. A wedding day is the most important day in a woman's life, and Lexa has so many friends she might want to share it with. Don't deprive her of the joy and excitement."

  "Can't she have the joy and excitement without a big production?"

  "Maybe."

  Josh took the napkin from his lap and placed it on the table. "We'll do whatever she wants. I want to make her happy."

  Clare looked at her nephew fondly. "With that attitude, you will."

  The president of the Women For A Better America Organization tapped the microphone for quiet and then introduced herself. After she made a short speech, she announced, "I'd like to present to you the recipient of our Service Award. This woman has chosen a service career, a career that is more of a vocation than a means of earning a living. I have known Lexa for three years and I can't begin to count the number of people she has counseled and for whom she has found employment. But she doesn't stop there. She carries her skills and expertise into her free time."

  "Lexa has been an instrumental force in making senior citizens not feel like second class citizens. She has been involved with Project Literacy as long as I've known her. She has an inordinate amount of patience both when teaching an adult to read or when sitting through a boring meeting to go through the proper channels to get a new program started. Because of her lobbying and perseverance, this city will have a Teen Center. And now without further accolades, I present to you this year's Service Award recipient, Alexandra Kittredge."

  Lexa walked to the podium with her knees shaking. When Josh had asked her to marry him, she'd been thrilled, ecstatic...and afraid. She'd wanted to tell him right then about her inability to have children. But they needed time to talk about it; she didn't want to just drop it in his lap and run. So she'd been worrying all evening, trying to prepare herself for whatever his reaction would be. And now...she'd forgotten her prepared speech.

  She reached the lectern. The lights were bright, the microphone daunting. She tried to still her trembling, but her hand shook when she rested it on the wood surface. She looked out into the crowd, and she spotted Josh. His eyes were shining, steady, and spoke to her. You're fine. You're mine. She knew in her deepest heart she wanted to be his
forever.

  She smiled directly at him and realized her prepared speech didn't matter. What mattered was what she truly felt in her heart and how much Josh meant to her. "I want to thank everyone who helped make this award possible. I haven't done any of this alone. After all, we are a nation of committees, aren't we? And somehow despite red tape, we as people come together and make something happen. Whether we are feeding the hungry, helping to improve living conditions or giving teens a place to go to have wholesome fun, we are people helping each other. I used to feel that compassion was all that was necessary. As long as we had compassion and cared enough, the world could change. But in the last few months I've discovered compassion has a friend." She paused. "That friend is love."

  Her voice gaining strength, she continued, "When we are surrounded by love, our compassion has new meaning. It might be more selective, but it has a greater strength. Combined with love, our compassion can give others not our excess energy, not just what we don't need for ourselves, but it can give others our best, the very essence of who we are. I want to thank all those people who have supported me, encouraged me and loved me."

  She held up the award and looked straight at Josh. "Thank you for helping me learn how to receive as well as give. Because in receiving, I can give more."

  When she left the podium, the audience applauded. Josh felt proud enough to burst. He loved this lady, and he welcomed the happiness he experienced at her achievement. And he hoped when they got home tonight, she could truly open her heart to him.

  By the time Lexa extricated herself from admirers and well wishers, she just wanted to go back to Josh's apartment and be held in his arms. In the car they didn't speak as Josh laid his hand on Lexa's knee and she caressed the top of his fingers. After he parked at his apartment, he opened her door for her, wrapped his arm around her waist and walked her up the stairs.

  After Josh closed the door, he flicked on the light and stared at Lexa. She unbuttoned her coat and laid it over the sofa. Because he was still staring at her intently, she asked, "What?"

  He lined her upper lip with his finger, let it trail down her throat to the high neck of her dress. "Do you know how proud I was of you tonight?"

  "No."

  "I wanted to stand up and shout, 'This terrific lady is going to marry me'."

  "Oh, Josh." She gave him a kiss that was ineffably tender.

  Josh's body responded to her gift. He spread his legs, pulled her into himself, and caressed her back slowly, stroking in sensuous circles until she rubbed her breasts against him to create more excitement.

  His fingers were fumbling with the button at the back of her neck when her cell phone sounded from her purse. When the chirping persisted, he tore away.

  Lexa gave him an apologetic smile but knew she had to check. It was Dani.

  Josh listened as she answered.

  "Hi, Dani. Can I call you back–?"

  Josh knew there was trouble when her words cut off and then he heard Lexa ask, "What's wrong?"..."You what? You can't be serious." Lexa's face lost all its color. "You can't! How do you know he means it?"..."Dani, what if he walks out again?"..."You don't know that!"..."Will he be satisfied doing that?"..."Aren't we going to talk about this?"... Lexa's thumb rubbed between her brows as if she had a headache. "I'll be home as soon as I can. Tell Dad not to wait up. If I come tonight, I'll let myself in. Dani, please don't make a rash decision. We have to talk. Okay?"

  When Lexa ended the call, Josh dropped his arm around her shoulders. "What happened?"

  Her voice wasn't quite steady. "Rob has changed his mind. He wants to marry Dani and she's going to keep the baby."

  Josh pulled Lexa to him and held her. After a few minutes, she leaned back. "I can't believe that she thinks he means it. He didn't stand beside her before. Why does she think he will now?"

  "Maybe he's had a change of heart."

  "Oh, puh-leez," she drawled sarcastically as she pulled out of his embrace as if she could think more clearly that way. "If he wasn't mature and responsible four months ago, he won't be now."

  "Lexa, you usually give people the benefit of the doubt."

  "Not when they're playing with other people's lives. What if a month from now, two months from now, Rob decides he doesn't want all that responsibility? Or worse yet, what if he doesn't realize how he feels until the baby's born and then walks out?"

  An involuntary grunt of chagrin escaped Josh's mouth. "That's the worst possible scenario."

  "Yes, it is. And Dani has to realize it could happen."

  "Have you ever met Rob?" Josh asked, wanting to reassure Lexa and comfort her without knowing how.

  "I've spoken with him three or four times. Material success is important to him. All he wanted to do was graduate and get a job with an ad agency in New York. Now Dani tells me he's going to go into his dad's business after graduation. His dad sells tires and Rob's going to do the PR work. How long is he going to be satisfied with that?"

  Josh's heart ached for Lexa. She was denying what she didn't want to accept. "Maybe he realizes a wife and family are more important than a high-powered job."

  Lexa backed away from Josh and eyed him warily. "Why are you defending him?"

  "Maybe he needs a chance to prove himself."

  She wrapped her arms around herself, as if trying to ward off a chill. "And what about Dani? What if she trusts him and he doesn't deserve her trust?"

  Josh's eyes caught hers and held. "Lexa, she has to make this decision. You can't make it for her."

  "This is my life they're tampering with too...our life." She rubbed up and down her arms. "What they do affects us. I want this baby."

  He said very quietly, "Lexa, it's Dani's baby."

  Her hands dropped to her sides, and as if she couldn't face the truth in his eyes, she paced across the room to the window and looked out. More to herself than to him, she murmured, "But she said she didn't want to keep it. She said she couldn't."

  "Now she can."

  Lexa wheeled around to face him. "How can you take this so calmly? You don't understand what this means...I can't..."

  "Can't what, Lexa?"

  She couldn't hold back a sob. "I can't have children."

  "I know. I overheard you when you were talking to Dani."

  "You knew? And you didn't tell me you knew? I've been worrying and worrying--"

  "You could have confided in me a long time ago."

  "I was afraid. I was afraid you'd walk out like Richard did. He didn't want me after I told him."

  "Lexa, I'm not Richard. We can adopt. Don't you see that Dani's decision to keep her baby could be the best decision for all of us. If she'd made this choice after the baby was born, you'd only have more heartache."

  "More heartache? How can you be so detached? Don't you understand how I'm feeling?" Her eyes became dark pools of sorrow. "This is my one chance to have a child, maybe my only chance. Adoptions can take years if they approve me. And couples come first."

  "We'll be a couple. Won't we?"

  Suddenly Lexa wasn't sure of anything. Her world was spinning, and the plans she'd been dreaming about suddenly had changed. Josh loved children. How could they have a life without them? She answered his question with a halting, "I don't know."

  "What do you mean you don't know?" He took a step toward her. "You said yes to me tonight if you'd forgotten."

  Her gaze didn't waver from his. "Believe me, I haven't forgotten. But now I'm not so sure. Did you want this baby? Could you have accepted it as your own?"

  He raked his hand through his hair. "If Dani had been sure, if you had adopted her baby, yes, I could have accepted him or her as my own. I love kids."

  "So what happens now, Josh? You love children. I might not be able to have children." She rubbed her hands together anxiously, remembering how Richard had reacted, how he had walked away. "Doesn't that affect how you feel about me? About us?"

  Josh slashed his hand through the air. "For God's sake, Lexa. I love you. We have e
ach other."

  Tears rose in her throat and her heart pounded vehemently. "How long will that be enough? Won't you resent me? Won't you hurt every time you see a couple with a child? How can your love last through that?"

  He made a move toward her but she put up her hands to ward him off. Standing still, he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "It can, but only if you trust me. If you're questioning, you're not trusting. I know you're upset. I know you wanted this baby. But there are other alternatives you haven't considered. Have you been to a specialist? In the last few years reproductive techniques have advanced in leaps and bounds. Why have you tied up all your hopes in Dani's baby? Maybe you should ask yourself why you haven't looked into other options."

  "I don't understand what you're getting at."

  Taking his hands out of his pockets, he sat down on the arm of the sofa. "Maybe you're upset about more than losing this child."

  She was too agitated to sit or to see Josh's reasoning. "You're not making sense."

  "I am." He rested his hands on his knees, as if his calm could somehow calm her. "You saw adopting Dani's child as another way to take care of her...to protect her."

  Her breath whooshed out of her lungs as if he had punched her in the stomach. "I wanted this baby!"

  "For the right reasons or the wrong reasons? You can't take responsibility for Dani forever. You don't have to continually take care of her for her to love you. Lexa, can't you realize you don't have to keep doing things or taking care of people to be loved?"

  "I do what I do because something inside me makes me care what happens to other people. I thought you finally understood that. Now I don't know if you understand me at all! And if you don't understand me, we shouldn't be considering marriage."

  He stood up stiffly. "You don't mean that."

  "Yes, I do. We both need time to think, to be sure we have a future together."

  "Lexa, we don't need time. We need to talk this out."

  "I can't, Josh. Not now. I have to go to Dani and find out if she's sure about this. I have to find out what she wants."

  "What about what I want, Lexa? What about our future? Aren't we as important? More important? Because if we aren't, we have nothing to build on."