Jami gave me a sleepy smile as we lay twined together still. "You are amazing," she whispered and gave me a soft kiss.
I whispered back to her, "So, it's okay that I forgot my Wonder Woman costume?"
Jami laughed so hard that I thought she might not stop. I could feel the vibration of her laughter through our intertwined bodies. Jami finally said, "You know, I knew something was missing."
"Maybe next time," I whispered to her which earned me a grin from Jami. I lay happily in her embrace until I slipped off into sleep.
Chapter 4
I laughed and shook my head at Jami. "What are you doing?" I asked in amusement. Jami looked up from her phone to give me a mock glare. "You have been looking at that thing like it stole your kingdom, what's up?"
Jami grinned and said, "Well, it is trying to steal my day off, and that is, kind of, the same thing." She reached over, and I grabbed the hand she held out to me. Her skin felt soft against my palm.
"Aw, you have to go?" I asked with a pout. I thought I would have Jami for the whole day and disappointment surged through me.
Her sandy blond hair shook with her laughter. "You act like a petulant child sometimes. I just need to make a pit stop before we head out for the weekend. It is nothing major." Her thumb grazed my hand as she gave me a smile.
Jami and I had been planning to spend the weekend seeing the sights further down the gulf coast. It would be the first time we had been away together, and I was eager to do anything that would keep our plans on track. "Good," I said with a grin. "Ready to go then?"
"Yep," Jami said as she put down some money to pay for our coffees. I knew better than to argue with her over who was going to pay. She insisted, and once Jami got a notion in her head, you just had to let it go.
In the car, we drove in companionable silence. I did not realize where we were going until we turned into the parking lot for a bright, colorful building. My heart sank in my chest. We were at the nursery school Jami ran. I took a deep breath and hoped I did not look as distressed as I felt. As she got out of the car, Jami said, "Come on."
I had taken another deep breath before I opened the car door. Following the blond toward the door of the brightly painted building, I watched her determined and confident strides. Jami was in her element. These kids were her children. I felt sick and tried to push the thought down.
Inside the building, the sounds of children were everywhere. As we walked through the main area outside of the individual class areas, a few of the children spotted us.
Before I knew what was happening, a crowd of tiny, curious children surrounded us. "Miss Jami," a little boy cried.
Jami gave him a bright smile. "Hello there, Nathaniel. You aren't biting today, are you?"
"Nope!" The boy declared proudly, and Jami gave him a genuinely warm smile.
The other children were curious about who I was. The crowded close to me and pulled on my hands or skirt. I tried to smile, but I felt as though everyone could see how flawed I was. I did not know what to do with the little hands that tugged at me or the faces that watched me expectantly. I floundered, and that's when I looked around and saw Jami watching me. There was something about her expression that bothered me.
I smiled nervously. "Hi," I said to the kids. They seemed to sense my unease and quickly were back playing with Jami who interacted with them effortlessly. I felt a pang of envy so strongly that I felt I might cry from it. Perhaps, I had not been meant for this world of love and children. Who was I trying to fool? Jami's attention was solely on the kids now as she sent them back to their classes.
Once the kids were all where they should be, Jami excused herself to see about some paperwork. I stood awkwardly and waited. I felt as though Jami did not want me to follow her. There was nothing to do but wait. I looked around at the pictures on the walls, and I felt a pain in my heart as I thought about how Jami deserved someone who was whole. She deserved better.
It took a bit for Jami to return. When she did, Jami just gave me a shrug. "I forgot to sign off on some paperwork," she explained. I felt as though something was off about the woman but let it go. I was a bit shaken up from being in the nursery school. I hoped that one day I would be able to interact with children without all of this pain.
We drove down the coast as we had planned. Jami had gotten us a room at a little seaside inn so we could spend days exploring the local beach fronts, shops, and such things. The Inn, where we were staying, was beautiful. When we arrived, the sun was dipping low over the beach that the inn overlooked. The golden sunlight shone on the flowers that lined the front porch.
"It's so pretty." My voice was soft as we walked up to the house.
Jami gave me a smile. "Yeah, it's nice."
"Are you okay?" I asked nervously. "You seem a bit out of it."
Jami assured me, "I'm fine. I guess my head is still in work mode. Let's get this stuff up to our rooms." She gestured with one of the bags she was carrying. I nodded and followed her inside. The inside was decorated in calming whites and blues. I smiled at a large white seashell on the front desk.
Once we had checked in, we took the time to eat and have a walk on the beach. By the next day, the visit to the nursery school was out of my mind. Jami and I spent our days lounging in the sun when it was too hot to do otherwise, and exploring when it was cool enough too. I had gathered up several sea shells from the nearby shores that I was taking home with me. Jami had bought a shirt and some sandals.
One evening, Jami and I stole away down the beach to a secluded spot and sat on a blanket to watch the stars. The tide was low and the waves calm. I watched the stars overhead and sighed in contentment. It was nice just to have a quiet moment with Jami. Life never seemed that busy until moments like this. These moments were when you realized how frantic the pace of life was.
I leaned into Jami's arm as she sat beside me. Jami gave me a smile. I felt for just a moment that I saw something behind that smile. Sadness, maybe? I wanted Jami to be happy. I shyly slipped my hand down into her dress. I too wore a soft cotton dress. The night was warm enough, and we were barefoot. I inched Jami's dress up a bit as I gave her a mischievous grin. Jami eyed me curiously but did not attempt to stop me.
I slipped down a bit so I could lay on the blanket with my head in her lap. With her slip dress pushed up, I slid one of my fingers under her panties. Jami made a soft noise of appreciation as I stroked her. I got bolder and tugged on her panties. Jami helped me slip her underwear down. I laid back down and dipped hand between her legs where I stroked her again. Her legs spread wider to allow me access, and I tried to remember all the things I liked so I could do them for her.
As Jami panted softly, I felt her grow wet, and I grew anxious for release. I edged closer to her and pressed myself against her thigh as I rubbed her vigorously. Jami's hips rocked against my hands. Finally, Jami pushed my hand away and tugged my arm to get me onto her lap. Jami helped me shed my underwear then I sat on her lap, and we began to rock together. We pushed against one another, finally falling together over onto the blanket. Our legs twined together as we moved against one another.
Jami smiled at me as I climaxed. I gasped into the kiss she pressed against my mouth. I was happy to see the shadow of sadness away from her at least for the moment.
By the end of the weekend, I was sad to load our bags back into the car. "I wish we could stay," I said with a sigh as I looked out over the shore one last time.
"Every dream must end," Jami said, and I looked around at her. She sounded sad too.
The car ride home was quiet. I dozed off and on. When we got home, Jami told me goodnight with a kiss on the cheek. She was so tired from the road that I tried to get her to stay over and sleep. "Got work early in the morning," Jami said with an apologetic smile. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," I said softly. I watched her go and then went inside to collapse into my bed.
***
The next evening, Jami stopped by unexpectedly after work. I was finishing
up an article and welcomed the break. I invited her in for some coffee and a snack. Jami looked nervous. I had never seen her look nervous before and it set me on edge.
"Sit down, and I'll make us some coffee," I said.
As I turned to leave, Jami's voice stopped me. "No, that's okay. Would you sit down for just a moment instead?"
I nodded and complied. "What's wrong, Jami?" I knew something was not right. I braced myself feeling the old sensation of fight or flight that I had felt when Mike got angry with me. Jami did not look angry so much, though.
"I am going to ask you something, and I want the truth. Okay?" Jami's voice was serious as she clenched her hands in front of her.
We sat across from each other in the living room, and I shifted nervously. "Okay," I whispered.
Jami had taken a visible steadying breath before she spoke again. When she did speak, it was soft and full of emotion. "You don't have kids do you, Chloe?"
I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. I stared at Jami not knowing what to say. Finally, I slowly shook my head. Jami closed her eyes as if processing my answer. Jami asked softly, "Why did you lie?"
"I--" My voice broke in a sob. "I wanted you to like me." It was such a sad, small thing to say in the face of such a harsh, cold lie. I knew exactly how Jami would react. It was how I would have reacted.
Jami shook her head as if dumbfounded. "I would have liked you regardless. You did not have to lie," she said with such bewilderment and hurt that I ached.
Tears rolled down my face, and I tried to explain, "Please. Let me explain." I could see me losing her by the second. She was getting further away.
"Don't you understand, Chloe? There is no explaining this. Once you told that lie, you took away my faith in you." Jami's voice was full of something I had never heard before. It was disgust. I had never heard Jami speak to anyone with an ounce of anger in her voice, but I had made her do so. I had brought us to this point. The guilt pressed in on me. "How will I ever know if what you tell me is true?" Jami asked as if she truly wanted to know.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry," I said weakly. "I tried to tell you the truth, but it just never seemed to be the right time."
"It never is for something that is hard, Chloe," Jami said with irritation.
I looked down at my feet. Jami was right. I had had opportunities to tell her. I had just chosen to run away from the conflict. Mike had always said I backed down too easily. I guess he was right about that too. "You are right," I said softly. "So where does that leave us?"
"I don't know," Jami said honestly. "I don't think I can be around you for a while. I have to sort this out in my head."
I nodded mutely. I understood. "Okay," I said softly. Jami got up, but I did not beg her to stay. I simply watched through tears as she left.
Chapter 5
Over the next few weeks, I saw nothing out of Jami. We had not broken up outright, but I wondered if this was perhaps worse. I had no idea where I stood with her. It began to eat away at me slowly. Rachel let me commiserate with her, and thankfully chose not to say, "I told you so." Although, she had the right to call me on it if she chose to.
"You should just go talk to her," Rachel said as we sat around in her living room.
I sighed. "I can't. You didn't see the look on Jami's face. I don’t know that I can never face her."
"You love her," Rachel said calmly. "I'm sure she loves you too. What you did was ridiculous and horrible, but people have gotten past worse things for the sake of love, Chloe."
Rachel had a point. "I get it, Rae," I said quietly, "But she didn't want to see me for a while. I can't force her to see me. She needs her space."
"Maybe what you need to do is fight for her," Rachel said as she sipped her sweet tea.
I had not given much thought to that. I had never been one for confrontation. Much like I had just let Mike walk out of my life, I had let Jami go as well. The feeling that I somehow deserved their condemnation hounded me. I wondered how much of what I felt was me and how much was just other people's baggage that I had made my own.
"She deserves to know why you did it at least, don't you think?" Rachel asked softly.
Shaking my head, I said, "She wouldn't let me explain."
"She was hurt and lashing out. Time has passed, and she might be more willing to listen now," Rachel said calmly.
I sighed. There were no easy answers. This breakup, or whatever it was, with Jami was harder than with Mike. I was not so much sad for Mike as I was for the dreams that I had vanished when he broke us. He had broken us. That was the first time I had thought of it that way.
***
A month stretched into two months, and I finally worked up the nerve to call Jami. Her phone rang twice before she answered it crisply with, "Hello?"
"Hi," I said softly.
There was a pause before Jami said, "Chloe, I'm kind of busy right now."
"Oh," I said quietly. "I understand. I'm sorry. Could we meet sometime?"
Jami said softly, "I don't know, Chloe. I don't think I can."
I wiped a tear from my cheek and then said into the phone with all the pep I could muster, "Sure. Okay. That's fine. I'll let you go…" I paused then said quickly, "Goodbye." I clicked the phone off before I could say anything else. I cried into my couch cushion. I thought again about what Rachel had said. Perhaps I did need to fight for her. I wanted to have Jami in my life.
Jami had been conspicuously absent from the coffee shop since our split. Eventually, I went to the nursery school when I thought classes would be out for the day. Jami's car was still in the parking lot. I took a deep breath. I could not quite bring myself to go inside, so I waited for Jami beside her car.
I had been waiting close to thirty minutes when I saw Jami come out of the door. My heart skipped a bit as I saw her turn toward the car. I saw the moment she realized I was there. Her steps faltered just a bit before she stubbornly strode on. When she got to the car, she eyed me hesitantly.
"Hi," I said softly and gave a little wave. "Sorry to just show up, but I… I want to talk to you."
"About what?" Jami said stiffly. "Is there something else you want to lie to me about?"
I had been preparing for a lot of things but not for the anger in her voice or the betrayal in her eyes. I faltered. "I shouldn't have come," I said as I looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Why did you?" Jami asked curiously as her angry eyes challenged me.
I shook my head. "I just wanted to explain," I said uncertainly. "I don't know anymore. I guess maybe you've moved on."
"I haven't," Jami said. "I just don't know how to move beyond it. I'm sorry, I can't do this right now." Jami pushed past me, and I moved out of her way quickly. She was in the car and driving away before I could get a grip on what had happened.
Jami appeared to be having as rough time with all of this as I was and I felt horrible knowing that. I wanted nothing more than to make her happy again. I should never have betrayed her trust.
I waited a week and then gathered up all the courage I could muster to go to her house when I was relatively sure she would be home. I pressed the doorbell and waited patiently. When the door opened, Jami stared at me blankly for a moment before she stepped back and let me inside.
"I'm sorry. I just needed to see how you were doing?" I thickly said as I followed her into her kitchen.
Jami sighed and leaned against the island that sat in the middle of the kitchen. "I'm fine. How are you?"
I shook my head. "Okay, I guess," I mumbled softly. "You look tired."
"I haven't been sleeping very well," Jami said with a shrug.
I looked down at my hands. "I'm sorry that you aren't sleeping well," I said thickly.
"I don’t want to be angry. I hate this. I hate not seeing you, but every time I think of you, I picture you lying to me," Jami said miserably. "Tell me why you did it."
I looked up at her and wiped a tear away before I said softly, "I thou
ght that if you knew how broken I was that you wouldn't be able to love me. You deserve better than me, Jami. I'm sorry."
"Broken?" Jami asked in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
I shook my head and said, "Please, don't make me say it."
"Tell me, Chloe," Jami pleaded, and she reached her hand across the table to me.
I tentatively took her hand even if my hand did shake while I did so. "Mike left me because I can't have children," I sobbed. "I'm broken."
Jami came around the table and wrapped her arms around me. "Chloe, Sweetheart," Jami mumbled into my hair. "Infertility is a two-way street," Jami said softly. "It doesn't sound like Mike was taking any blame in the mix at all. Besides, there are lots of ways to have a family, Darling."
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