Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  He continued walking – through the village, past the pub and finally stopping in front of the church. It didn’t look as if anything had changed over the last couple of years. He gazed at the church for a few moments, then retraced his steps. After the bitter disappointment in York, he had come here in an effort to sort out his life, but what he’d found had thrown his life into even greater confusion. His mind grappled with the news.

  He had a son!

  He ran back to the farm and John opened the door as soon as he reached the yard.

  ‘Where is he? I must talk with him.’ Dieter bent over, out of breath.

  ‘Come in and have something to eat.’ Hetty held his arm and urged him inside.

  ‘Is he here? What is his name?’ Dieter allowed himself to be pushed into a chair at the kitchen table.

  ‘His name’s Danny, and he lives in the village with Jane’s cousin, Angie Westwood.’ Hetty placed a plate of hot food in front of him. ‘Eat that before you do anything else.’

  ‘You will stay with us.’ John studied him carefully. ‘We’ve put your bag in the room you had before.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Dieter began to eat; he had no interest in the food, but it was clear they were determined that he had a meal. As soon as the plate was cleared, he stood up. ‘Tell me the address, please.’

  ‘Leave it until tomorrow,’ John said. ‘Let us explain first.’

  ‘No.’ Dieter shook his head. ‘We shall talk later. Now I must see the child.’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’ John stood up and reached for his coat.

  ‘I wish to go alone.’ He paused at their concern. ‘I shall not cause trouble for Danny or his aunt. You can trust me.’

  John gave a grim smile. ‘We know we can. They’re in the first cottage in the village. No. 2.’

  Dieter bowed slightly and left the house, heading for the village once again.

  It was impossible to settle. Angie tossed aside the book she had been attempting to read. Her insides felt as if they were tied in knots. Danny was fast asleep in bed, oblivious to the drama about to unfold around him, and that was how she was determined to keep it. He couldn’t suddenly be presented with a father he didn’t know. That would frighten and confuse him. They would have to be introduced to one another slowly. What had Hetty called him? Dieter? Yes, that was the name. No wonder they wouldn’t tell her his first name: she would immediately have known that he wasn’t English. It was a nice name, though.

  She wandered into the kitchen to make a cup of cocoa. Perhaps that would help settle her insides. There was a knock on the door just as she was about to put the milk into the saucepan. A glance at the clock showed that it was nine o’clock and she hoped it wasn’t the Rector with more urgent typing for her. She didn’t think she would be able to concentrate at the moment.

  When she opened the door, her heart missed several beats. She was looking into Danny’s lovely grey eyes, only these were worldly-wise, not innocent and trusting like her darling boy’s.

  ‘I wish to see my son.’

  ‘He’s asleep.’ She was surprised to see that he was on his own. Hetty and John must have told him where she lived, and she would have expected one of them to come with him. But if they hadn’t thought that necessary, it showed they trusted him. She was going to have to do the same, but she really didn’t want him in her home.

  ‘I will not awaken him.’

  ‘Come back tomorrow.’ She noticed how he planted his feet slightly apart and saw he wasn’t going to move.

  ‘No, I will see him now.’ He held his hands out, palms up. ‘I will not disturb him.’

  She didn’t miss the steely determination in his eyes, but he had asked politely, with no sign of anger or aggression, so she stepped aside. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t deny him this right. Giving a slight bow, he walked in and waited for her to shut the front door.

  ‘This way, but you must be quiet.’ She made her way upstairs to Danny’s room. The bedside light was still on, casting a warm glow around the room and lighting up the small figure in the bed. He was on his back with arms thrown above his head and, much to her relief, fast asleep. She didn’t want him to wake up and find a strange man in his room.

  Dieter stood beside the bed, staring at the child. He didn’t try to touch him; he just stood there for ages, unmoving. ‘He’s beautiful,’ he whispered after what had seemed a lifetime.

  ‘Yes, he is, and I love him very much.’ Angie felt it was wise to let his father know this right away.

  Dieter nodded and reached out to pick up the toy truck from the bedside table. ‘Ah, the wheel is loose. I shall fix it.’

  She pointed to the photograph they had found in Jane’s tin. Danny always kept it by his bed. ‘Is that you with Jane?’

  ‘Ah, yes.’ He reached out to gently touch the image of Jane. ‘Another prisoner from the camp found an old camera, but it did not work well. I did not know Jane had kept it.’

  ‘She treasured it.’

  He spoke huskily. ‘She was a very special girl.’

  They had been talking in whispers, and Angie touched his arm, afraid if they stayed much longer they would wake Danny. ‘We must go downstairs now.’

  ‘Of course.’ With a last lingering look, Dieter followed her out of the room.

  In the bright light of the kitchen Angie could see tears in the German’s eyes as he gazed at the wooden toy in his hands. She could only guess at the torment he was going through. She had been determined not to like him, but her heart softened. ‘I was about to make cocoa when you arrived. Would you like some?’

  When he looked up, two dimples flashed for a moment. ‘Thank you, I would like that.’

  ‘Please sit down.’ Angie turned to the stove, her heart pounding. If he weren’t so gaunt-looking, he would be exactly like his son. Had he laughed and run through the fields with Jane? Had they helped with the harvest and fed the animals together? Had their time together been happy? Yes, she was sure that for Jane it had been, but it didn’t look as if he had been really happy for some time. A glimpse of what he had been like was still there. No wonder Jane had fallen in love with him.

  The milk nearly boiled over while she had been lost in thought. She turned off the gas just in time.

  Dieter was bent over the truck, his long fingers wielding a small penknife as he fixed the wheel. She put the drink in front of him, and, without speaking he left the toy and wrapped his fingers around the mug.

  ‘I’m so sorry … so sorry.’ His words were hardly audible. ‘Jane should have told me. I would never have left her alone. I had to go back to Germany, but I would have returned. I am so sorry.’

  When Angie had found out that Danny’s father was a German ex-prisoner of war, she had been dismayed, but this man was racked with guilt. She would never have believed she could feel pity for a man who had not only seduced her cousin but had also taken part in the bombing of this country – but she did. It made her realize that the past had to be forgiven, if not forgotten. The only thing that mattered now was Danny’s future. Her own personal feelings must be put aside. She owed it to Jane and Danny to give this man a chance.

  ‘There is much to be sad about,’ she said firmly, ‘but you must never be sorry about what happened between you and Jane. She loved Danny and never for a moment regretted having him. I believe she did what she felt was right by not telling you, but I think there is something you should see.’

  She stood up, went into the front room and returned with Jane’s letter, handing it to Dieter. ‘Jane left me this. I think you have a right to know how she felt about you.’

  His hands shook as he read the letter, then he folded it carefully and handed it back to her. ‘Thank you for allowing me to see that. Will you tell me exactly what happened to Jane?’

  Angie went back to the time Danny was born, explaining what joy the little boy had brought to them both. She left nothing out about Jane’s death and the bad time Danny had had since then. ‘I brought him here in de
speration, hoping that a change would help. It did, and we decided to live here. He’s happy now with friends of his own age, and looks upon John and Hetty as his grandparents.’

  ‘You have done all the right things. I’m sorry there won’t be any grandparents from my side. My entire family was killed in the bombing.’

  ‘So were ours, mine and Jane’s.’ It was hard to keep the sharpness out of her voice.

  Dieter’s head shot up, and what little colour there was drained from his face. ‘Jane never told me.’

  ‘She wouldn’t. My cousin was very loving and wouldn’t do or say anything to upset anyone. To forgive came easily to her.’

  ‘And what about you?’ He spoke gruffly. ‘Could you find it in your heart to forgive the man who might have dropped the bombs that killed your family?’

  Angie shrugged helplessly. This was still an open wound for her. ‘We are both going to have to try to do that, for Danny’s sake.’

  He sighed wearily. ‘There are so many shadows between us.’

  ‘There is only one way to dispel shadows.’ She sat up straight, her lips set in a determined line. ‘And that is to let in the light. I will not deny you the right to get to know your son, but he is mine now. I have legally adopted him, as Jane wanted. You must not tell him who you are until I decide the time is right.’

  ‘I would like to tell him now, but you are right. I would not wish to do anything to upset him. I shall try to be patient.’

  ‘Good.’ Angie breathed a silent sigh of relief. Although she didn’t know him, he seemed a reasonable man, and she hoped he would keep his word.

  Danny woke up hearing voices downstairs, and then noticed that the truck wasn’t on the table. Scrambling out of bed, he crawled around the floor. It was gone! He had to find it. He mustn’t lose it!

  Holding tightly to the banister, he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where someone was talking. Auntie Angel was sitting at the table with a man. She saw him at once.

  ‘Hello, darling, what are you doing up?’

  ‘My truck’s gone,’ he whispered, very worried.

  ‘It is here.’ The man spoke. ‘I have mended the wheel for you.’

  He took it from the man and smiled in relief, running it along the table to see if it worked properly. It did. ‘Thank you. Em broke it, so I won’t let her touch it again.’

  ‘Very wise. Who is Em?’

  Auntie hadn’t told him to go back to bed, so he clambered on to a chair between her and the man. ‘She’s my friend, but she breaks things easy.’

  ‘Ah, well, you mustn’t let her do that.’

  ‘I don’t. She’s bossy, but I like her.’

  ‘Good.’

  Danny looked at the man intently. ‘You talk funny.’

  The man laughed. ‘That’s because English is not my native tongue.’

  He didn’t know what that meant but didn’t ask, too interested in what Auntie had in her mug. ‘Is that cocoa?’

  ‘Yes, would you like some?’

  ‘Please.’ He’d be able to stay up a bit longer if he had a drink. He watched while his auntie poured some of hers into his own little mug. Before picking up the drink, he pushed the truck towards her, just to be on the safe side. He didn’t want the man to go off with it. He guzzled his cocoa, looking from one to the other with a big grin between gulps. The man was staring at him, but he must be nice because he’d mended his truck.

  When he finished his cocoa, Auntie helped him off the chair and took his hand.

  ‘I think you ought to go back to bed now, Danny.’

  Giving a big yawn, he picked up his truck.

  ‘Say goodnight to … Dieter.’

  ‘Night, night.’

  ‘Gute Nacht, mein Sohn.’

  Danny glanced at his auntie and giggled. What funny words.

  16

  There was a bright moon shining as Dieter walked back to the farm. The air was clear, and a slight frost was forming on the grass verges. It was all so clean and fresh after the noise and dust of Berlin. He felt as if he had been transported into another existence. He should have come back sooner and married Jane. They may not have had much time together, but they would have been happy. She had been easy to love, with her wide-eyed innocence and ready smile. Her cousin was like her in colouring, but he sensed she was a different person. There was something about the way she stood, the directness of her gaze, that told him she had a determined nature. But she also had a clear sense of what was right, for she had allowed him to see his son, even though he was sure she didn’t want him anywhere near the boy.

  He stopped and gazed up at the moon, overcome with the wonder of seeing Jane’s child – his child. Lifting his arms high, he tipped his head back and shouted at the bright orb, spinning round and round on the spot. ‘I have a son! I’ve talked to him and he smiled at me. I believed the war had robbed me of my youth and family, but I have a son!’

  Lowering his arms, he glanced around, embarrassed at his outburst, but the lane was empty. The only ones around to hear were some sheep in a field, and they didn’t appear to be interested in him. He gave a wry smile, feeling like a child again.

  When he walked into the farmhouse kitchen, John and Hetty were still up, which was unusual, as they started work at dawn every morning. He could tell from their faces that they had been waiting anxiously for him to return.

  ‘Hello, Dieter.’ Hetty smiled. ‘Would you like a hot drink?’

  ‘No, thank you, I had one with Angie and Danny.’ He didn’t miss their look of relief. They had wanted to come with him, but he’d felt it would be better if he had his first meeting with Jane’s cousin and Danny alone. And he’d been right. It had all gone much better than he could have hoped. The girl had been cautious and possessive, but that was only to be expected. He was a stranger to her, and he had obviously come as quite a shock – not the Englishman she had assumed was the boy’s father.

  ‘Well, sit down for a moment and you can tell us how you got on.’ John pulled out a chair from the table.

  ‘You saw Danny, then.’

  Dieter sat down and nodded. ‘He was asleep in bed when I arrived, but I was allowed upstairs. After that we sat in the kitchen talking and Danny came down. He was upset because his truck was missing. I had noticed a wheel was loose, so I brought it down with me and mended it.’ He gave a sad smile. ‘He thanked me politely and then pushed it towards his auntie in case I kept it. I wanted to tell him that I had made the toy and given it to his mother, but I couldn’t. His aunt guards him well and has made it clear that I must not tell him anything.’

  ‘Your turning up will cause her much heart searching. I believe that deep down she hoped you would never be found, but she will do whatever is right for Danny.’ Hetty leant towards Dieter and touched his hand lightly. ‘You see, from the moment Jane arrived home pregnant, Angie supported her and the child. Not only financially but emotionally as well. She has now given up her life and home in London because Danny was unhappy, and has done this without any thought for herself, as she loves him so very much. He has asked why he hasn’t got a father like all the other children, and for that reason she wanted you found. It’s right he should know who his father is.’

  ‘I do not think that she likes me, but she was kind.’ Dieter glanced at John. ‘She is not like Jane. Tell me about her, please.’

  John rested his elbows on the table. ‘You’re right; the two girls were very different in nature. They both came to us after their parents were killed in a raid.’

  Dieter clenched his jaw. ‘I did not know about that until she told me tonight. Explain please.’

  John told him how both sets of parents had been killed, and then continued with the story. ‘Angie was older than Jane and couldn’t settle here. After only six months she returned to London and went to work in a factory until the end of the war. Angie was always the stronger and more determined of the two, but Jane was happy with us and stayed.’

  ‘Did you not know about
Jane’s heart?’

  ‘No.’ Hetty shook her head. ‘Sometimes we would find her curled up asleep in an armchair. When we expressed concern, she would smile brightly and jump up, declaring that she was fine. She was such a happy girl and we assumed she had tired herself out by running around the farm. Even Angie didn’t know until after Jane died, and we have a suspicion that Jane didn’t know how bad it was until she became pregnant.’

  Dieter thought about the words in the letter she had left for Angie, and remembered her with admiration. ‘She had been gentle, but she must have had much courage.’

  ‘She also had Angie.’ John spoke again. ‘As Hetty has already told you, when Jane returned to London, Angie looked after her, and when Danny was born she insisted that Jane stay at home while she went out to work. She provided for all three of them. They brought up Danny together, and she loves him as if he were her own son.’

  ‘I am sure of that.’ Dieter ran a hand over his eyes.

  ‘The news of his birth should not have been kept from me. I was not repatriated until late 1947. I was still in this country when he was born.’

  ‘That was wrong.’ Hetty looked alarmed at his tone.

  ‘I know how you must feel, Dieter, but please don’t upset things. Danny was a very troubled little boy when she brought him to us. He is just beginning to settle down.’

  ‘I shall be careful, but I am here now and nothing will make me leave. Before I left Germany, Major Strachan told me that we all have things to forgive, and without forgiveness there is no future. That is true. It won’t be easy, though.’

  ‘Difficult but not impossible,’ John said.

  ‘We shall do it, no?’ Dieter’s smile was tight as he stood up. ‘What time do you wish me to start work in the morning?’

  ‘Six o’clock as usual.’

  ‘I will see you then.’ He bowed slightly and made his way to the room at the top of the house. It was the same one he’d had when he had worked here just after the war. There was a welcoming feel to the old farmhouse, and it almost felt like coming home, except this time there would not be a laughing, loving girl to brighten his days. The fact that she had died so young was a great sadness to him, but their loving had produced a beautiful child. Jane had not regretted that, and neither could he.