Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  Much to Angie’s amazement, she had slept soundly, and so had Danny. But, as she woke and remembered what had happened the day before, she knew that things would never be the same again. However, she was not going to allow Danny’s father to come in and disrupt their lives if she could help it. He had a right to see his son, and she wouldn’t – couldn’t – deny him that, but she would not leave them alone together. She had a terrible fear he would disappear with Danny, and they might never be able to find him again. Her stomach heaved at the thought of such a danger. She was probably misjudging the man, but it would be criminal to take chances with a vulnerable little boy’s life.

  ‘Morning.’ Danny rushed in and climbed on her bed. ‘What we doing today?’

  She ruffled his shining fair hair and smiled. ‘First there’s the church hall, then lunch and your lesson with Mrs Poulton, then tea with Granny and Grandpa. How does that sound?’

  ‘Smashing.’ He was already on the floor again, ready to spring into action for the exciting day ahead. ‘I’ll clean my teeth. Can I have boiled eggy for my breakfast? One I collected from the chicks myself?’

  ‘Of course, and some of Grandma’s home-made bread and jam?’

  He nodded and shot towards the door, only to stop and look round before disappearing. ‘Get up, Auntie. We mustn’t be late. I’ll tell Em that a nice man mended my truck.’ Then he was gone with the sound of little feet tearing towards the bathroom.

  Since they had been here, he never seemed to do anything at a normal pace. It was no wonder Emma got on so well with him: she was just the same.

  After breakfast Angie dressed Danny in a pair of long trousers that she had made for him. They weren’t as good as the ones Jane had made, but it was cold outside and they would keep his knees warm. He always beamed with pride when he wore long trousers, and she would try to make a better pair for his next birthday.

  It troubled her when she thought about his birthday – the day his mother had died. How on earth was she going to make it special with that sad memory hanging over them? Ah, well, she had plenty of time to think about it. May was a long way off yet.

  After breakfast they made their way down the street to the church hall.

  When they walked in, it was bedlam, as usual, and Danny couldn’t wait to join the other children.

  ‘Thank heavens you’re here.’ Sally’s hair was in a tangled mess, her skirt smeared with paint. ‘We’re shorthanded. Can you stay?’

  Angie glanced around and grimaced. ‘Good job I put my old clothes on.’

  ‘With Emma around all I’ve got are old clothes.’ Sally’s chuckle was infectious. ‘Danny’s the only one who can keep her in order. Can I adopt him?’

  ‘Not a chance!’

  ‘Thought you’d say that.’ Sally wiggled her eyebrows. ‘I’ll have to have one of my own. Wonder what Joe will think of that idea?’

  Angie roared with laughter. ‘He’ll be absolutely thrilled.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Sally looked smug.

  Angie removed her coat and sat on the floor to prise apart two toddlers who were fighting over a toy rabbit.

  ‘Now stop it, you two. There’s a whole box of animals here.’

  The time flew by, and Angie was crawling around the floor pretending to be a dog, when the Rector came in.

  ‘Feeling brave today, Geoff?’ Sally called. ‘We’ve got to feed them soon.’

  He visibly blanched and shook his head. ‘Another appointment.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard that before,’ Sally teased.

  The Rector’s next words had Angie sitting back on her heels and staring at the door.

  ‘Dieter, my dear boy, it is you, isn’t it?’

  ‘Hello, Rector.’ They shook hands.

  Geoff beamed. ‘It’s good to see you again. Are you visiting the Sawyers?’

  ‘Yes, but I’m going to stay and make my home here.’

  ‘Splendid, splendid.’ The Rector’s eyes were fairly gleaming with delight. ‘Erm … I don’t want to make a nuisance of myself as soon as you’ve arrived, but, if you’re staying, may I pressure you into playing the organ for us now and again?’

  ‘I would be pleased to.’

  ‘Good, good. What a treat that will be.’ He patted Dieter on the shoulder. ‘Lovely to have you back. You are most welcome. Come and see me when you have time.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Good, good.’ The Rector leant towards him. ‘Must fly now. They’re going to feed the children and I can’t cope with that. Too much for an old man like me.’

  As soon as the Rector disappeared, Danny ran over to Dieter, dragging Emma with him. ‘I saw you last night. You mended my truck.’

  Angie watched anxiously as Dieter crouched down in front of the children.

  ‘I did. Is it all right now?’

  ‘Works lovely.’ Danny pushed Emma forward. ‘This is Em. She broke my truck.’

  ‘Hello, Em.’

  The little girl eyed him carefully for a while, as if sizing him up to see if she could play a trick on him, then she pulled a face. ‘I didn’t break his rotten truck.’

  ‘It isn’t a rotten truck. It was in my mummy’s special tin.’ Danny looked scandalized. ‘And you did break it. You sat on it.’

  ‘Didn’t.’

  ‘Did.’

  ‘Uh-oh, I can see a fight coming on.’ Sally moved towards the children, with Angie close behind. It was best to stop this before it got out of hand or the whole group would join in.

  ‘There was no great harm done.’ Dieter seemed quite unperturbed by the bickering. ‘It was easily mended.’

  Emma was about to say something else to Danny, but stopped and stared at Dieter with her mouth still open and eyes wide with surprise.

  Danny giggled. ‘He talks funny. Say what you did last night. Go on, please, let Em hear.’

  ‘Gute Nacht, mein Sohn.’

  ‘Of course, that’s who Danny reminds me of, but I hadn’t made the connection.’ Sally whispered, bubbling with delight. ‘Dieter.’

  He stood up and frowned at Sally.

  ‘I’m Sally. Don’t you remember?’ She held out her hand. ‘You had tea with us now and again.’

  The frown disappeared and he stepped forward. ‘Of course. I did not recognize you at first.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. There’s a lot more of me than there used to be.’

  Angie could only watch, speechless. Did everyone in this village know him?

  ‘You remember that squalling baby I had? Well, she’s grown a bit. This bundle of mischief is Emma.’

  A genuine smile crossed his face. ‘She takes after you, perhaps?’

  ‘How did you guess?’

  A wail cut through the air as one little boy cried that he was hungry.

  ‘Oops, feeding time. Will you come and see us sometime, Dieter? We live next door to Angie now.’

  ‘I would enjoy that.’ Dieter inclined his head as Sally hurried into the kitchen; then he turned to Angie. ‘Good morning. I hope you slept well?’

  ‘I did, thank you.’ Was he always the polite gentleman?

  He stooped to say goodbye to the children, then stood up, gave a slight bow to Angie and left without another word.

  Angie found Sally waiting for her in the kitchen, in a high state of excitement. ‘Does Danny know?’

  ‘Know what?’ Angie pretended ignorance.

  ‘That Dieter is his father. Come on, Angie, the likeness is unmistakable. When you told me Danny was Jane’s child, I knew she must have met someone while she was here, but I never guessed it was one of the prisoners.’

  ‘Danny doesn’t know, and I don’t want him told.’ This was becoming more difficult by the moment. ‘The man has only just turned up, and I don’t want Danny upset. He’s settling in so well. Don’t say anything, Sally, please!’ Angie rubbed between her eyes as a headache began to pound. ‘Tell me why you all know him.’

  ‘We knew quite a lot of them. After the war ended, they were allow
ed out; some were billeted on farms and worked while waiting to be sent home. Local families adopted one or two and invited them in for meals, Christmas and things like that. We received such heart-rending letters from some when they returned home. There have been terrible food shortages, and we’ve all been sending clothing and food parcels. Dieter was much liked and respected, but he never gave John and Hetty an address where they could contact him.’

  ‘I see.’ Angie chewed her lip.

  ‘I don’t think you do, Angie.’ Sally took her hand and made her sit down. ‘I know your parents were killed in a raid, and you probably have no love for the men who did that. They were all young men carrying out their orders, just like our own. Dieter was twenty when his plane was shot down. He spent four years behind barbed wire and another two waiting to be repatriated. God knows what he found when he finally arrived home, but, by the look of him, I would say he’s had a bad time. I didn’t recognize him at first. He’s a good man, Angie, and I expect Jane found it easy to love him.’

  ‘I’m sure you’re right.’ Angie covered her face with her hands as her head pounded with tension. ‘When Danny asked why he didn’t have a daddy like Emma, I knew we had to try to find him. But I never expected anything like this. I’m frightened, Sally.’

  ‘I’m sure there’s no need to be.’

  Angie shook her head, worried sick. ‘I love Danny so much and would do anything for him, but this is all such a shock. How is he going to take it when he finds out?’

  ‘He’s a child.’ Sally smiled at her. ‘He isn’t yet lumbered with our prejudices, likes and dislikes. If Dieter is kind to him, and I’m sure he will be, then Danny will accept him. He won’t give a damn that his father is German.’

  ‘Of course he won’t.’ Angie hadn’t noticed that she’d shed a few tears, and dried her face with her handkerchief. ‘I’ll try to remember that and be sensible. Is it all right if I’m still a little frightened?’

  ‘Quite all right. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t.’

  17

  That afternoon Danny was in with Emma, playing with her train. Angie’s head was pounding so badly she could hardly see. She hadn’t expected Dieter to turn up at the church hall like that, and to discover that he was well known in the village came as quite a shock. If Sally had noticed his resemblance to Danny, how long would it be before others did the same? She had foolishly believed that there would be plenty of time before they needed to tell Danny, but if people started to talk, the other children would pick up on the gossip and chatter away in all innocence. Danny mustn’t find out about his father in that way. It would be cruel.

  The worry was making her feel ill. She stretched out on the settee and closed her eyes, at a complete loss about what to do for the best. Should he be told now, or would it be better to wait until he was older and knew Dieter better? This is what she wanted to do, but was she right? It was such a responsibility, and she dreaded the thought of making a mistake. Rubbing her head, she gave a ragged sigh. She must rest.

  A piercing scream had her sitting up, startled, and fully awake. Danny was standing in front of her, eyes closed, fists clenched and screaming at the top of his voice.

  ‘Danny!’ She lunged forward and swept him up, falling back on the settee with him in her arms. ‘What is it? What’s the matter?’

  His little fists beat on her chest as he struggled to get down, his cries of terror ripping the heart out of her. ‘You was leaving me.’

  ‘No, darling. No, I wasn’t. Please tell me what’s the matter.’

  He stopped struggling and locked his arms around her neck, the screams turning to tortured moans. ‘Mustn’t leave me,’ he sobbed.

  ‘I’m not going to leave you, darling.’ Oh, God, what had happened?

  The back door burst open, and Sally rushed in with Emma at her heels. ‘What’s the matter?’ She was out of breath.

  Angie looked over the top of Danny’s head. He was still sobbing out of control and shaking so badly that his teeth chattered. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Mustn’t leave me.’ Danny was gulping in terror.

  ‘Angels took Mummy. Mustn’t have you.’

  ‘Oh, dear Lord.’ It suddenly dawned on her what this was all about. Danny must have come in and found her in the front room, sound asleep. He believed she was dead, just as his mother had been. That dreadful day was still very clear in his mind.

  She lifted his head from her shoulder so he could see her face. ‘I’m fine, and I’m never going to leave you. I was asleep, that’s all.’

  He buried his head in her shoulder again. ‘Sleep in bed, not here. Don’t wake up again in here.’

  ‘That isn’t going to happen to me, sweetheart. Your mummy was sick. I’m not.’ Angie was furious with herself. How stupid of her. She should have rested on the bed. It never worried him to find her asleep there. In his mind that was where you slept. It must have been terrible for him when he’d seen her in the front room, unmoving. The memory of finding his mother like that had terrified him. It was only six months since she had died, and far too soon for him to have forgotten. If he ever would.

  ‘Is there anything we can do?’ Sally sat beside her, and for once Emma was silent.

  ‘We were supposed to go to the farm for tea, but we can’t now. Could you somehow let John and Hetty know?’

  ‘I’ll go at once.’ Sally hurried out, taking Emma with her.

  Danny was still crying, and she held him tightly, whispering gentle words of comfort. Just when he seemed to be settling down into the normal, happy boy he had been before, this had to happen. She should have realized how fragile his peace was. She was a blasted idiot!

  How long they sat there she didn’t know. Danny maintained a fierce grip on her. His sobs had ceased, but quivers rippled through his body.

  Suddenly the room was full of people. Sally had returned with Hetty, John and Dieter.

  Dieter loomed in front of her. ‘What has happened?’

  ‘I had a headache and fell asleep on the settee.’ Angie’s voice broke. ‘Danny found me and thought I’d died.’ She was back in the nightmare of when they had found Jane. And, because of her thoughtlessness, so was her darling little boy. Quiet tears of remorse filled her eyes and dimmed her vision.

  ‘You will make us all a cup of tea, yes?’ Dieter touched Hetty’s arm, and, when she stood up, he took her place next to Angie. He ran his hand gently over Danny’s tousled hair. ‘Danny, everything is good. See, we are here with you.’

  The only response from the frightened child was to tuck his head more firmly into Angie’s neck.

  Dieter sighed, a deep frown on his face. ‘His love for you is great.’

  ‘It was Jane and me from the moment he was born, and after she died there was only me. He must think that if I go away he will be left alone.’

  ‘That might have been true a few months ago, but he will never be alone now. He must be told that. It is clear he does not feel secure.’ Dieter spoke firmly. ‘You have had to deal with this on your own, but now you have many people to help.’

  Angie lifted her head and gazed around the room, seeing Sally, Emma, looking worried for her friend, John and Dieter. Hetty was coming back with a tray of tea and a glass of milk for Danny. People who loved her and Danny surrounded them. She wasn’t alone. Dieter obviously wanted to tell Danny that he was his father, but this was not the time. She was not going to let him force her into doing something about it until she was certain it was right. Her lips thinned into a determined line as she stared at Dieter. Right or wrong, she would have her way in this. ‘You will say nothing until I agree.’

  He didn’t have a chance to answer as Hetty put the tray on the small table by the window and said, ‘Dieter, why don’t you play something for us? Danny loves music.’

  Without a word he went over to the piano, removed the cushions Danny used to reach the keys and sat down, his long fingers sweeping over the keyboard.

  As the beautiful strains of ‘Stard
ust’ filled the room, Angie felt Danny move and lift his head. The sound he made was something between a sigh and a gulp. Gradually the tremors ceased, and by the time Dieter was on another tune he was kneeling on Angie so that he could see over to the piano. When Dieter swept into a lovely classical piece Angie had never heard before, it was too much for the little boy. He slid off the settee and went to stand beside Dieter, listening intently and leaning against his leg. Then he ducked down to watch his feet on the pedals, his tear-stained face a picture of concentration. When the pedals under the piano had been fully examined, Danny stood up again. He was about eye level with Dieter’s hands, his own fingers twitching in anticipation.

  Dieter stopped playing and smiled down at him.

  ‘What you doing with your feet?’ Danny’s voice was husky after his distress.

  Sally had poured the tea and Angie took a cup from her, never taking her eyes off Danny as Dieter demon-strated the difference in sound the pedals made. It never ceased to amaze Angie that a boy of only three and a half should have such an ear for music. But perhaps it wasn’t so surprising, now that she had heard his father play. The man was brilliant.

  ‘I can’t reach them.’ The signs of Danny’s upset had started to fade as he thought only of the music.

  ‘You will be able to when you are taller. It doesn’t matter for the moment, but when you can play they will add light and shade to your music.’ Dieter played a sweeping chord loud and then soft. ‘See what I mean?’

  Danny nodded again, his tongue caught between his front teeth.

  ‘Let’s try something else.’ Dieter reached down and swept Danny up until he was sitting on his knees. ‘Put your hands on top of mine, by my fingers. Now try to keep them there.’