Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  Dieter began to play a lullaby, making the breath catch in Angie’s throat as she watched the two heads bent over the piano. They were so alike. She knew the tune well, because it had been the one she had sung with Jane when Danny had been fretful and teething. Neither of them could sing, but he had watched them from his cot, eyes swimming with tears, and eventually fallen asleep. The memory tugged at her heart. They had been such happy days. How she missed Jane.

  When it was over, Danny looked up at Dieter and gave a little smile, his grey eyes beginning to sparkle again. ‘What was that first tune you played?’

  ‘It is called “Stardust”.’

  ‘I liked that. Play it again.’

  ‘It was your mummy’s favourite tune.’

  Angie almost dropped her cup in alarm, making to get up. He was going to ignore her demand that Danny not be told yet. He was going to tell him!

  ‘He knows what he’s doing, Angie.’ John gave her a warning look.

  She sat back again, hoping that John was right.

  ‘Did you know my mummy?’

  ‘Yes,’ Dieter said, smiling, ‘she was lovely and I liked her very much.’

  ‘The angels are looking after her now.’ Danny’s bottom lip trembled. ‘I wish she hadn’t gone away.’

  ‘They’ll take good care of her.’

  ‘That’s what Auntie said. But I wish she’d stayed with us.’

  ‘So does everyone, Danny, but she was ill. We can be happy that she is being looked after now, can’t we?’

  Danny nodded and the threatened tears didn’t appear as he turned his attention back to the piano. ‘Can we play that tune together?’

  ‘Of course. Put your hands on mine.’

  Relief swept over Angie. Dieter had dropped the subject of Jane, and with it the danger that he was going to tell Danny that he was his father. But she was not daft; she had seen the look in his eyes. He had talked about Jane so naturally, and by bringing up the subject he was forming a link between himself and his son. She studied him with fresh eyes. He was talented, and no fool. He had calmed Danny and endeared himself to the child. It should have made her happy, but she knew nothing about this man. She must never underestimate him, however charming he may appear. And he was – there was no other way to describe him – charming and attractive.

  It felt like he was playing. Danny concentrated hard on keeping his hands on top of Dieter’s. It wasn’t easy and they came off sometimes, but he soon put them back again.

  When the tune was finished, he clapped his hands together in wonder. He was going to play like that one day.

  ‘Shall we have tea now?’

  Danny nodded, a bit disappointed that the music had stopped, but as soon as he was put back on the floor he ran over to Auntie. When she smiled at him, he clambered on to the settee and shuffled across until he was on her lap. He was still frightened, but he felt safe there.

  ‘Do you want a piece of cake?’ she asked.

  He didn’t want to eat. His tummy felt funny, so he shook his head.

  ‘Have some milk, then.’ Grandma held out a glass and he took it. He liked milk. He took a mouthful and looked up. ‘Did you see, Auntie? It was like I was playing.’

  ‘I did.’ She smiled and he snuggled up closer.

  ‘I’m going to do that soon.’

  ‘I’m sure you are, darling.’

  He finished his milk and watched the man as he sat beside them. ‘You’re better than Mrs Poulton.’

  ‘My goodness, that is high praise.’ Dieter opened his eyes in mock surprise, making Danny nod firmly.

  Everyone else was laughing. It made him feel all warm with these nice people here. He didn’t want to be frightened any more. It was nasty.

  Em’s mummy took the glass from him and he yawned. His auntie hadn’t gone away. Laying his head on her shoulder, he closed his eyes. He’d stay near her, though. He was very tired now.

  Angie felt Danny relax and knew he was fast asleep. ‘Thank you,’ she said to everyone, including the man sitting beside her.

  He inclined his head in acknowledgement, and she was struck by his quiet dignity.

  ‘We’ll leave you now.’ Sally stood up. ‘If you need anything, Angie, just let us know.’

  She held out her hand in gratitude. Sally was turning out to be a good friend, and she couldn’t ask for better neighbours.

  Emma hung back, her eyes fixed on Danny. She had been unusually quiet. ‘Is he all right?’

  ‘He will be in the morning.’ Angie was touched by the little girl’s concern. ‘He’s had a bad fright.’

  ‘Must have been a whopper.’

  ‘I’m afraid it was.’

  ‘Come on, Emma,’ Sally said to her daughter. ‘Say goodbye to everyone.’

  She didn’t attempt to leave but turned large, thoughtful eyes on Dieter. ‘You don’t half play good. Just like on the wireless.’

  ‘Why thank you, Princess.’ Dieter smiled.

  She shuffled and gave a titter. ‘Why’d you call me that?’

  ‘Because you look like a fairy princess.’

  This took a bit of thinking about. ‘Mummy, can I be a princess in the Christmas play?’

  ‘There aren’t any princesses, but you can be a king if you want to.’

  ‘Nah, I’ll be the one with the dolly.’ She pursed her lips. ‘That’s good, isn’t it?’

  ‘Perfect.’ Dieter smiled at her again.

  Peering at him, she lifted her hand and pointed at his face. ‘You got dimples, just like Danny.’

  Sally took hold of her daughter’s hand. ‘We must go now. If you don’t stop chattering, you’ll wake up Danny.’

  With a last glance at her sleeping friend, she left with her mother.

  ‘Would you like me to stay the night, Angie?’ Hetty still looked worried.

  ‘That would be lovely, thank you.’ Angie was pleased with the offer, because, to be truthful, she was badly shaken and didn’t fancy being alone in the house tonight. ‘You can have Danny’s bed and he can come in with me. I don’t think he’s going to let me out of his sight for a while.’

  ‘That’s a good idea.’ John got to his feet. ‘I must get back to the farm. Stay longer if you want to, Dieter.’

  ‘Another hour, if that is all right? I can walk back.’

  ‘Fine. We’ll knock ourselves up a meal when you arrive.’ John kissed his wife, Angie and Danny, careful not to wake him, and then he left.

  ‘We’ll have something later as well.’ Hetty gathered up the tea things and went to do the washing-up.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Dieter spoke softly when they were alone.

  ‘I’m shattered.’

  ‘Pardon, what does that mean?’

  ‘It means I’m completely exhausted.’ Dieter’s English was excellent, but he still found some of the phrases strange. ‘You play beautifully. Were you training to be a musician when the war came?’

  ‘That is what I wanted to do. I had dreams of becoming a concert pianist, but my father thought it not a suitable ambition for his only son. I gave up the idea and began studying to become an engineer.’

  ‘That’s a shame. I will never try to dictate what Danny must do with his life. He loves music, and if that’s what he wants to do, then that’s fine. If he wants to be a road sweeper, then that will be fine as well. All I’ll ever want is for him to be happy.’

  Dieter nodded. ‘He must be free to make his own way in life. I had no such choices. As young boys we were all expected to belong to the Hitler Youth. I joined quite willingly with all my friends, and it was fun. We went camping, on marches and did all sorts of things young boys find exciting. Little did we guess what it was all leading up to.’

  He fell silent with an expression of utter sadness on his face.

  ‘You weren’t to know.’

  ‘No, and it is all history now. But even as a young boy some things that were happening made me uneasy; I pushed the doubts aside. I was part of a Germany that was going to
be great again. Hitler promised it and we believed him. Who was I to doubt such a powerful man? Two friends I’d grown up with became Nazis. They strutted around as if they owned the world and believed themselves to be above the law. I did not recognize them any more.’

  Angie was intrigued and wanted to know more about him. ‘You didn’t follow their lead?’

  ‘No.’ He looked straight at her, holding her gaze.

  ‘I was never a Nazi, Angie. When I was captured, the British Intelligence questioned me. They had a system of grading prisoners, white, grey and black. Black were the hardened Nazis. I was classed as a white German.’

  ‘I see.’ Angie moved Danny to a more comfortable position, as her arms were becoming numb with his weight. He remained asleep, clearly exhausted.

  Dieter gave her an assessing look. ‘Does that put your mind at rest?’

  ‘It helps.’ And it did. But she needed to find out more about what this man was really like.

  ‘I tell you these things because I want to acknowledge my son. We are not going to be able to keep this a secret for long. The likeness between us is strong. Even a young child has noticed it.’

  ‘She’s very observant.’ Angie’s insides rebelled. He was pushing to have his way in this, but she couldn’t let him – not yet. ‘Danny has enough problems at the moment. We must wait until he knows you better and is able to accept the news.’

  ‘Christmas.’ Dieter reached out and pushed a strand of fair hair from Danny’s eyes. ‘I will wait no longer than that.’

  As Dieter walked back to the farm, his mind ran over what he had found out today. His son was obviously still a troubled child, but Angie was looking after him well and cared deeply for him. Danny also had a love of music, and that filled him with joy. It had always been so important to him as well. He had taken a chance mentioning Jane, but it had seemed the right thing to do. Danny’s reply, that his mother was with the angels, had given Dieter much to think about.

  He slowed his pace and absorbed the quiet of the countryside. His mother, father and sister were with the angels and being looked after. It was a comforting way to think of them. His deep breath was ragged with relief. The good memories would always be with him, but a small child had shown him the way to let his family go.

  18

  ‘What do you want for breakfast?’ Hetty called up the stairs to Danny, who was on the landing. ‘Grandpa’s brought fresh eggs and some lovely bacon – would you like some?’

  ‘Yes, please, Grandma.’ Danny trotted back to Angie in the bedroom. ‘Grandpa’s here with Dieter.’

  ‘I expect they want Grandma to cook their breakfast as well.’

  He nodded, watching her every move as she made the bed. He was still pale, but had slept well, waking only a few times. Once he’d seen she was close by, he’d gone straight back to sleep again. Angie had hardly slept at all, afraid to drift off in case he had a nightmare. Much to her relief he hadn’t, and she had high hopes that the fright would soon be forgotten.

  Angie laced up his shoes and ruffled his hair. ‘Let’s go down for breakfast. I’m starving, aren’t you?’

  He stood up and reached for her hand as they made their way downstairs. ‘I like bacon.’

  ‘So do I.’ Fortunately he hadn’t yet associated fried bacon with the pigs he was so fond of.

  ‘Good morning, everyone.’ Angie stopped in the doorway, watching Danny greet them all in his usual affectionate way. ‘My goodness, we’ll never all be able to eat in here.’

  ‘That’s okay.’ John was already holding a plate piled high with breakfast. ‘Me and Dieter will go in the other room.’

  While Danny enjoyed his food a little colour began to seep back into his face.

  Dieter and John came back with their empty plates just as there was a thump on the backdoor. It shot open and Emma skidded in, a piece of hedge sticking out of her hair.

  ‘Morning.’ She gave them all a brilliant smile. ‘Mummy said I’ve got to tell you that I’ve had my breakfast.’

  Hetty’s shoulders were shaking in silent laughter. ‘Oh, that’s a shame. I’ve got a slice of bacon left over.’

  Emma pursed her lips. ‘’Spect I could eat that. Can’t waste it. Er … have you got an egg left over as well?’

  ‘I have.’ Hetty broke the egg in the frying pan. ‘How about a bit of fried bread?’

  ‘Cor, thanks.’ Emma scrambled on to the chair just vacated by Angie.

  ‘Emma!’ Sally came in. ‘You’re not cadging food, are you?’

  ‘I told them like you said,’ she protested. ‘Mrs Sawyer’s got it left over. You’re always saying we mustn’t waste food ’cos of the rationing.’

  ‘Sit down, Sally.’ John was chuckling. ‘Would you like some as well?’

  ‘No, thanks.’ She pulled a face at her daughter. ‘That girl’s a bottomless pit where food is concerned.’

  Emma smirked as the plate was put in front of her, then she held out one of her precious trains to Dieter. ‘Can you fix this? A bit’s come off the back.’

  Sally gazed up at the ceiling as if praying for divine help. ‘Not only does she cadge another breakfast, but now she’s bringing her toys here to be mended.’

  ‘It needs fixing.’ Emma concentrated on cutting the bacon. It was a tricky job for a three-and-a-half-year-old.

  ‘I can do this.’ Dieter sat down and took out his penknife, which had all sorts of attachments on it, and bent to the task. Danny had finished his breakfast and sidled over to watch what he was doing.

  ‘I give up.’ Sally threw her hands into the air. ‘Why didn’t you ask Daddy to mend it instead of bothering Dieter?’

  Emma stopped chewing as a look of utter disbelief crossed her face. ‘Daddy can’t fix anything. You said he couldn’t … ’nize a booze –’

  ‘Emma!’

  ‘… mutter … in a brewery.’ She popped the last bit of egg in her mouth, looking a picture of innocence. ‘Don’t know what it means anyway.’

  ‘She’s got ears like radar.’ Sally was trying to look stern. ‘Sorry about that.’

  They were all laughing except Dieter. ‘I do not know what it means either.’

  ‘I’ll tell you later,’ John promised.

  Having scraped her plate clean, the little girl was now off her chair and leaning on the table the other side of Dieter. After another couple of minutes he handed the train back to her.

  ‘There you are. Good as new.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Emma shoved it across to show Danny.

  ‘Look, Deeder’s so clever.’

  ‘That’s not his name,’ Danny snorted in disgust.

  ‘’Tis.’

  ‘’Tain’t.’

  Sally groaned.

  ‘Deeder is your name, isn’t it?’ Emma scowled, offended.

  ‘That’s close enough, Princess.’

  ‘There.’ She pulled a face at Danny. ‘You say it, then.’

  ‘It’s Dieter.’ He emphasized the ‘T’.

  ‘That’s what I said.’ Obviously satisfied that she was right as always, she said to Angie, ‘Is Danny all right now? Can he come and play?’

  ‘If he wants to.’

  ‘I was frightened, that’s all.’ Danny gave Angie a loving look. ‘But it’s okay now.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Emma smirked. ‘I can scream louder than you.’

  ‘Bet you can’t.’

  Emma took a deep breath and opened her mouth.

  Sally clapped her hand over her daughter’s mouth. ‘Don’t you try it! Breathe out slowly.’

  The girl was red in the face as she held her breath but did as ordered, very disappointed that she hadn’t been able to let out a piercing scream.

  Danny was giggling in delight at his friend’s antics. ‘Let’s go and play with your trains.’

  Both children ran out the backdoor, completely ignoring Sally’s yell as she tried to make them go in the front way.

  Angie was laughing in sheer relief. It had been wonderful to hear Danny bic
kering with Emma, and then see him tearing off to play.

  ‘Looks like he’s over it now.’ John was nodding with satisfaction.

  ‘Yes, thank heavens, but I must be more careful in the future.’ Angie glanced at everyone in the room. ‘Thank you all so much for your help.’

  ‘Think nothing of it, Angie.’ Sally was watching the children wriggling through the hedge. ‘We’re going to have to make that hole larger. I’ve asked Joe several times, but it takes him ages to do anything. You can’t rush into these things, he always says.’

  As a rumble of laughter went around the room, Dieter joined Sally at the window. ‘I could cut an arch-way and put a small gate there. That’s if your husband would not mind.’

  ‘He’d be delighted.’

  ‘Good. I will do it tomorrow.’

  The sheep trotted towards Dieter as he drove the tractor into their field with feed for them. Nearly all of them were starting to show signs of being with lambs. It was going to be a busy time next year. He watched them munching away and shivered as a gust of cold wind ruffled his hair. Nearly December and he could almost smell snow in the air. Perhaps they would have a white Christmas? They would have to get the sheep in if the weather turned really nasty.

  A smile touched his lips as he wondered what Danny thought about snow. Did he laugh and tumble and throw snowballs? Had Jane played with him and helped to build a snowman? That thought felt like a physical pain. It was so hard to accept that she was no longer with them, or to forgive himself for the wasted years when he could have been with her and his son.

  ‘Oh, Jane,’ he murmured, suddenly sad. ‘You should have told me. I would have married you and we could have been a family, even if only for a short time.’

  He climbed back on the tractor, started the engine and headed for the gate, his mind still lingering on Danny. What was he going to do now? He wanted so desperately to be a part of his son’s life, to tell him that he was his father; but Angie was resisting that – resisting him. It was understandable, of course. She was suspicious of him, and there was no mistaking how much the child loved her. Did she fear that if Danny knew he had a father who loved and wanted him, the boy might be drawn away from her and she would lose him?