A Helluva Man

by Sable Hunter

  Jaxson quickly shook his head in the negative. “No. This isn’t a good time.”

  “What’s going on Jaxson?” Pepper asked with concern. “You’re doing great.”

  “It’s not that,” he explained, “the support group is important to me.” When Pepper and several others looked skeptical, he let out a long breath. “All right, the truth is – Tamara’s back in town.”

  Pepper squealed. “Wonderful!”

  Ryder leaned on the table a huge grin on her face. “So…you’re back together?”

  Jaxson held up his hand. “You’re jumping to conclusions. I just said she’s back in town.”

  “But, you’re going to get back together with her, right?” Cato interjected. “I mean you’re perfect together.”

  “She sure did think a lot of you, Jax,” Heath commented.

  “Plus, the woman is a gold mine just waiting to happen.” Ten elbowed Molly playfully. “I wish someone would pay you big bucks to endorse a product.”

  Molly giggled, not taking offense at Ten’s teasing. “What diapers? Baby wipes? That’s where my expertise lies these days.”

  “Speaking of, I haven’t seen her around anywhere online or…” Gideon shrugged as he took a sip of iced team. “Anywhere. It’s just like she dropped off the face of the earth.”

  Everyone was looking at Jaxson, who didn’t have the answers they were seeking. They didn’t have a clue what Tamara was dealing with, or what he was dealing with for that matter. Trying to explain this to his family was just more than he could deal with at the moment. “I’ve got to get out of here.” He rose and laid down his napkin.

  “Don’t go,” Pepper begged. “We haven’t had dessert. I made your favorite.” She looked at him appealingly. “German chocolate cake.”

  “I need some fresh air,” he muttered as he pushed his chair under the table.

  Judah put his arm around his wife. “I don’t know, Jaxson. I’ve never been able to resist these cute puppy-dog eyes.”

  In no mood to banter, Jaxson picked up his hat from the sideboard. “Sorry. I got things to do.”

  As he left the room, his family watched him go. They knew something was wrong, but not a clue how to fix it.

  Once he was outside, Jaxson breathed in a lungful of the night air, trying to clear his head. He walked aimlessly until he found himself at the barn. The animals, sensing his presence, began to shift restlessly. Whinnies of greeting filtered through the stall doors. Needing solace, Jaxson made his way inside the dimly lit interior. The smell of hay and leather drifted to him and he inhaled deeply, finding the familiar scent to be comforting. Moving to the tack room, he found a bucket, filled it with nuggets, then proceeded down the aisle from stall to stall to pass out treats and scratch noses.

  Saving Memphis for last, he gave him a treat, then placed a saddle on his back. “Let’s go for a ride, boy.” The stallion pranced in place, as anxious to feel the wind in his mane as Jaxson was to escape.

  When they moved into open pasture, Jaxson gave Memphis his head, lengthening the grip on the reins, allowing the animal to run freely. Trusting his mount, Jaxson shut his eyes and gave himself over to the feeling. The open spaces. The rush of having no destination in mind.

  As they traveled over the rolling hills of Highlands, he allowed his mind to dwell on Tamara. On what used to be. On what could be. Jaxson felt his heart constrict with regret. Remorse. Weighing the possible against the impossible.

  Finding no clear answers, he knew the words of the old song still applied. He would have to take things slowly. Cautiously.

  One day at a time.

  The next meeting of the support group was in two days and by that time – he intended on having a plan.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  “Please…stop.” Tamara pushed Royce Sykes away for the fifth time in just a few hours. Everywhere she turned, the man seemed to be there. “Don’t…you have…work to do?” she asked, stumbling over her words. She was tired, frustrated, and a little uneasy. This guy was just not taking no for an answer.

  “Come on, baby.” He came on to her again, blanketing her back, his hands roaming over her arms and waist. The lecher just couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

  Tamara jerked away, almost falling in her haste to get away from him. “No. Royce. I said…no!”

  “Aww, you don’t mean that. I know you want me. You’re all excited. I think you’re so cute when you stutter.”

  He approached her again, pulling her to him, trying to kiss Tamara on the neck.

  “I’m not. Excited. Asshole.” She pushed him hard, then fled to the other side of the stall. “I have. Brain. Damage!” His constant groping and suggestive comments were unwelcome and her anger was clouding her judgement. “Now, get back!” She brandished the pitchfork, daring him to come closer.

  Upon hearing her explanation, Royce didn’t retreat. Instead, he grew bolder. “So…you’re slow?” His face lit up. “Huh. I guess that means you probably don’t understand what you’re feeling. You’re really hot for me, aren’t you?” Seeing her frightened expression, he smiled even bigger. “There’s no use saying no to me. By the time I get through with you, you’ll be begging for more.” His eyes raked down her body. “You’re awfully pretty for a retard.”

  His cruel assessment was the last straw. “I’m not…a Retard!” When he started moving toward her again, Tamara took action. “Stay away – from me!” She jabbed the pitchfork at him, one of the prongs burying itself in his leg.

  “Holy Motherfucker!” he raged, reaching for her. “Come here, you little bitch!”

  Tamara dodged him, taking advantage of his pain and awkward movements to push out of the stall. Running from the barn, she passed an older man by the name of Ed Carver who’d been kind to her.

  Seeing her distressed face, he came toward her. “What’s wrong, Tam? One of the horses nip you?”

  She wanted to tell him the truth. She wanted to expose Royce for the scum he was – but she also needed to keep the job. Desperately. “Yellow jack-et.” She rubbed her bruised shoulder where Royce had grabbed her cruelly. “Going…to put something – on sting.”

  Ed glanced at his pocket watch. “You’ve only got ten minutes left in your shift. Why don’t you let me give you a ride home? You don’t need to be walking out in this heat, especially if them little yellow bastards popped you one.” He patted Tamara on the shoulder. “If you don’t mind me saying so, honey, you look like you’re near about past going.”

  Tamara wasn’t sure what he meant, Ed tended to talk in Texas colloquialisms, but she got his drift. “Thanks. I would be. Very grateful.” Impulsively, she gave him a hug, then darted into the bathroom to wash her face. When she returned, he was waiting for her. As she climbed into his old truck, Tamara saw Royce watching her from a corner of the barn. He leered at her, tipped his hat, then licked his lips provocatively. Tamara shuddered at the sight.

  “You just lean your head back and rest. Old Carver will have you home in no time.”

  Tamara took his advice. She was grateful for the respite and thankful not to be walking home alone. Royce was aware of the route she normally took and Tamara didn’t like to think about what might happen if he decided to follow her home. Now, that he knew the truth about her condition, she didn’t think he saw her as a person with feelings any longer.

  After a few minutes, Ed put on his turn signal and slowed to a stop. “Here you go, girl.”

  “Thanks. Mr. Car-ver.” She gave him a smile. “This was. Nice.”

  “Don’t mention it.” He shook his head sadly. “I shouldn’t say this, you probably hear it all the time, but I remember when you were competing. I’m not sure what happened to you, just know that I’m sorry it happened. If there’s anything I can ever do to help you, I’ll be glad to do it.”

  Tamara was touched and embarrassed. “Thanks.” She felt pretty hopeless at the moment. Royce had threatened her and she didn’t like the way it made her feel. Asking for help didn’
t sit well with her either. “I’ll see…you. To-morrow.”

  He gave her a friendly wave as she climbed from his truck. After closing the door, she stood and waved to him as he drove away.

  Inside her house, she made sure to lock the door, then made a beeline for the shower. The way Royce had touched her made Tamara feel dirty.

  Once she was clean and in fresh clothes, she fixed herself a sandwich and sat down at the dining table to eat and unwind. After flipping on the television, she pressed the GUIDE button to see what was playing. There were times that words didn’t look familiar, but if she stared at them long enough in context, usually she could make them out. As she scrolled through the line-up, her eyes landed on the date and time.

  “Oh, heck. Support…group meets. Today.”

  How she could’ve forgotten when all she thought about was Jaxson didn’t make much sense. “What…should I do?” Tamara sighed loudly. Just the thought of getting ready to go and face all those people, not to mention Jaxson, seemed like a daunting task. All she really wanted to do was curl up in the bed and forget about her troubles.

  Chewing her food slowly, she pondered the situation.

  As tempting as it was to hide her head in the sand, she knew Jaxson was right. The doctor was right. If she wanted to improve, she needed to make an effort. Meetings like this were one of the resources available to her. Just because she went to the support group didn’t mean she was expecting anything to develop with Jaxson.

  She hoped he knew that.

  Oh, what was she thinking? He wasn’t interested in her in that way any longer. He’d pushed her away when she was whole. He was only being kind and supportive now because that was his thing these days. As the leader of the support group – he was being supportive.

  Really, she was proud of him.

  He’d come a long way from the angry man who’d lost his leg. Now, Jaxson was a sterling example of somebody who’d picked themselves up by their bootstraps. He’d not only learned to cope with his loss, he was teaching other people how to do the same.

  And that was exactly what she needed. Tamara needed to learn how to make the best of things. This was her new reality, she couldn’t afford to live in a dream world any longer.

  Checking the clock, she saw time was short. I won’t make it for the beginning, but if I hurry I won’t miss much.

  * * *

  “When I lost my leg, I went through a grieving process. It wasn’t easy. Like physical recovery differs from person to person, there’s also no set timetable for emotional recovery. We’re all different – age, gender, the circumstances of our loss, how you cope with other problems in your life, what kind of support you have from your family – there are a multitude of factors to consider. One thing you can fully expect is to be depressed.”

  This was a standard speech he gave to new members of the group. Those who’d been coming for a while, seemed to benefit too. Jaxson knew he needed to be reminded of these facts himself fairly often.

  “The symptoms of depression vary, but here are a few of them. Loss of appetite. Lack of energy. Sleeplessness. Poor concentration. Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy. Loss of interest in sex.”

  He saw several people duck their head at that point. Yea, it was hard to hear. He’d lived through this himself – still living through it.

  “Social withdrawal. Feelings of worthlessness.”

  As he recited his prepared comments, Jaxson realized how true they were. He felt as if he’d made progress, but he knew he still had a long way to go.

  “You can overcome these feelings by following some pretty simple guidelines. Get plenty of rest. Eat well. Get some exercise of some kind. Take deep breaths.”

  One man laughed and Jaxson pointed a finger at him. “Deep breathing works, Harvey.”

  “I don’t practice yoga, McCoy.”

  He grinned but continued on. “Just know you’re not alone.” He waved at the group. “We’re all in the same boat.” As he scanned the crowd, he looked for her. Again.

  She was late.

  “You’re also not to blame. Accidents happen. Shit happens. One of the worst mistakes I made was keeping my feelings bottled up.”

  When a door creaked as it opened, Jaxson’s eyes flew in that direction, and he exhaled with relief when he saw Tamara come in. As she found a seat, he kept speaking.

  “I lashed out at the people who cared about me the most. I couldn’t bring myself to be honest with them. I should’ve told them how I was grieving, talked honestly about my loss. Instead, I thought my feelings made me less of a man. I was already rocked by the loss of my leg, admitting that I was scared seemed to be the last straw. So, I pretended. I became tough. I pushed people away instead of drawing them closer.”

  In her seat, Tamara hung on his every word. He was looking right at her. Speaking to her.

  “Finding this group helped me. I learned a helluva lot from Scott. He not only taught me the value of sharing my feelings, he taught me to laugh at myself.” As Jaxson spoke, he grew introspective, almost as if he were listening to the lecture instead of giving it. “When you’re first faced with your loss, you shouldn’t make big, life-changing decisions. You might find you do something you’ll regret later on. I also learned self-deprecating talk and thoughts are useless. We need to learn to think of ourselves differently. Don’t do away with your dreams, redefine them. If you can no longer do the things you used to do, create a new definition of success. Strive for independence but know when to accept help. Learning to adjust to a loss is a process. One of the mistakes I made was isolating myself, withdrawing. I had to come to the point when I realized life was still worth living. We must all do this. Make adjustments in your life but continue to live. There may be changes in your body or your day to day routine, but who you are as a person hasn’t changed.”

  Tamara listened, wondering what lay behind his words. Did he regret decisions he’d made? Was she one of his regrets? Had he pushed his family aside the way he’d pushed her? She found herself so tense, her nails were digging into her own leg.

  As the meeting progressed, others came up to share their experiences. She held her breath, praying her name wouldn’t be called to stand up and speak. Thankfully, this didn’t happen.

  When the meeting was over, she had full intentions to slip out undetected. Her plan was foiled by Owen who spotted her and ran over to speak. “Hey! You should’ve come sit by me. I saved you a seat!”

  “You did? I’m. Sorry.” She glanced up at the front, halfway expecting Jaxson to seek her out, but he was surrounded by people vying for his attention.

  “Jaxson told me not to let you leave.”

  Tamara was surprised. “Oh, he did?”

  “Yea, there’s someone he wants you to meet.” To her consternation, the little boy grabbed her hand and began tugging her to the front. By the time they were down the aisle, Jaxson had freed himself and was coming to greet them.

  “Good job, Owen.” He locked eyes with Tamara. “Glad you could make it.”

  She nodded. “Me too. Enjoyed…talk.”

  Jaxson nodded. “I’m glad.” He snapped his fingers. “Wait right here.” He stepped away and returned a few moments later with a short dark-haired lady in her mid-30’s. “Tamara this is Myra Finley. Myra, this is Tamara Grayson. I wanted to introduce the two of you.” He looked at Tam. “Myra also is living with aphasia.”

  “So sorry,” Tamara told her, not wishing this on anyone.

  Myra nodded, pointing to her head. “Stroke.”

  “I thought the two of you might want to get together,” Jaxson murmured, prodding the situation.

  “Sure,” Tamara agreed, not letting her reticence show.

  “How about I come for coffee?”

  “Okay.” Tamara nodded.

  “Sunday?” Myra was insistent.

  “Works. Three?”

  Once their arrangements were complete, Tamara gave Jaxson a knowing look. “She seems. Nice.”

  �
��She is.”

  “Is this…therapy?”

  Jaxson grinned at her, his dimples showing. “Life can be therapy if we approach it the right way.”

  “Okay.” She pointed to the door. “Well, I’d better. Go. Bus.”

  As she began to move away, he moved quickly. “Wait.” He didn’t want her riding the damn bus. “I have to give Owen a ride home. Why don’t you come with us? I’ll drop you off on the way back.”

  “Don’t know.” With their past, with the feelings she still had for him, spending a great deal of time together probably wasn’t the best idea.

  “Jaxson said we could get ice cream,” Owen chimed in, as if the prospect of the sweet treat made the invitation impossible to resist.

  “Ice cream,” Tamara repeated. “Can’t say…no.”

  “Good.” Jaxson put a hand to her back and one on Owen’s neck. “Let’s go crew. Banana splits and sundaes await!”

  Somehow, Tamara ended up sitting between the big man and the little boy. She’d forgotten Jaxson’s custom truck came with bench seats. He drove the few blocks to the fast food joint and they went in to find a booth. Tamara and Owen waited while Jaxson went to order their ice cream.

  When he returned with the treats, he sat down across from Tamara and the little boy. Out of the blue, Owen tapped on Jaxson’s hand. “Let me see your leg.”

  Jaxson stared at him, trying to figure out a way to say no. After all, this was one of the reasons he’d distanced himself from everyone – mainly Tamara. “Which one?” he asked the boy, trying to stall.

  “The robot one.” He held up his leg, pulling up his pants. “Here’s mine.”

  Glancing at Tamara, he saw no judgment in her eyes. Hell. If he was going to talk the talk, he had to walk the walk. Sticking his leg out into the aisle, Jaxson worked his jeans up far enough that the steel rod of his prosthetic was visible.

  “Yay!” Owen said happily. “I’m just like you. I’m going to be a cowboy when I grow up.”

  Jaxson cut his eyes to Tamara but found her licking ice cream from her spoon. She hadn’t leaned far enough over to watch their game of ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’.