Blaze of Glory

by M. Garzon

  I was afraid that Jaden would launch straight into lecture mode and I had no patience for it, so I kept my eyes on the bandage I was rolling, prepared to tune him out. I saw him in my peripheral vision as he came and picked a clean bandage from the pile in front of me. He sat down a few feet away to roll it.

  “So,” he said conversationally, “how much time are you planning to take off?”

  I looked at him in surprise — it certainly wasn’t the response I’d been expecting. He kept his eyes on his work.

  “I don’t know,” I said in a low voice.

  He nodded thoughtfully. “Would the rest of the week be enough?”

  “Hold on here, she’s in enough trouble already. She can’t be taking more time off,” Seth objected.

  “She can if she has a doctor’s note,” Jaden said reasonably. “And my mother is a psychologist, remember?”

  I stared at him in disbelief. My heart felt lighter at the mere suggestion of escaping the drudgery of school for a few days.

  “But would she write me one?” I asked him doubtfully.

  “I think she will. She knows you’re grieving.” He said it with surprising gentleness, but I still flinched at the word. “And if she won’t,” he added with an impish smile, “I sign her name as well as she does... and I have access to her stationery.” He winked at me.

  “But-” Seth’s objections were drowned out as Jaden and I started planning.

  “Go to school in the morning and I’ll meet you in the office.”

  “But where will I go after? I can’t hang out in town.”

  “Come to my place. You can take the car, right?”

  “Yeah.” I was getting almost excited.

  “Hey! Time out!” Seth interrupted loudly. Jaden and I both looked around in surprise. “This is risky, Sis,” Seth reminded me. He was unusually serious these days, I realized with a pang, and I was pretty sure that my withdrawal and constant sadness were the cause.

  “I don’t care,” I reiterated. “I’ll go insane if I have to sit through another day of school right now.”

  He shrugged, giving up, but the troubled look on his face made me feel even guiltier. I went over and put my arms around him.

  “Don’t worry, Moo. It’ll be fine. I need this.” I rarely used my childhood nickname for him anymore; the look I gave him was pleading.

  He smiled, finally, and ruffled my hair. “Well, good riddance, then.”

  * * *

  The plan went off without a hitch in the morning. I fidgeted nervously on a bench in the office while waiting for Jaden to arrive, but I needn’t have worried. He walked in wearing a suit and every single person in the office, male and female, turned to watch as he loped over to me. The secretary didn’t even glance at the letter; she was far too busy gawking at Jaden. Just like that, I was free.

  I waited until we were outside before I risked looking at him.

  “Thanks. I owe you big.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t owe me a thing.”

  I followed Jaden into the city. His place was on the second floor of a brick building that looked like it might have once been a factory. He unlocked the door and let me in first, and I stopped inside the doorway and looked around curiously. It was a loft-style space, very open, with high ceilings. The kitchen was right in front of me; only a counter separated it from the living room to my right. There was a hallway to my left.

  “Make yourself at home. I’ve got to get changed for school.” He disappeared through a doorway at the end of the hall.

  I wandered into the living room, feeling a bit awkward now that I was actually here. A large window dominated the far wall, with the rest of the wall covered by canvases of all sizes. On the wall near the kitchen counter were grouped some pictures of polo ponies. I recognized Kermit and Piba; I assumed the rest were the horses Jaden had sold. I was admiring them when he rushed back into the hall, dressed in jeans, sneakers and a cool jacket I’d never seen at the barn.

  “I’ve got to run. I’m leaving you my laptop so you can surf if you feel like it.” He pointed it out on the kitchen counter. “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and paused by the door. “Oh, and, you’re not planning to go out, are you?”

  “I hadn’t thought about it, why?”

  “I’d rather you didn’t go wandering around the city by yourself, that’s all.”

  “Okay.” I shrugged. It really made no difference to me, I was equally miserable anywhere these days.

  “I’ll see you at lunchtime,” he called over his shoulder on his way out.

  I had a sneaking suspicion that he was only coming home to check on me.

  Once Jaden was gone I explored a bit more. When I got to the bedroom I went in a bit timidly. The walls were a light brownish color; I couldn’t name it, but I liked it. There were two windows in here, and more pictures of horses on the walls. As I turned back toward the door I stopped in surprise — hanging in the corner was a punching bag, the kind you see in gyms. I smiled; that helped explain the fantastically toned body. There was a good picture of Jaden with his mom and sister by the bed, but as I sat down to look at it I felt a sense of wrenching dislocation. The clawed animal — the one I’d hoped had moved to a new burrow — was back, and my insides were once again shredded by its razor-sharp talons. I wrapped my arms around my stomach in anguish and lay on the bed, curled into a tight ball, and waited for the pain to pass.

  I awoke sensing a presence. My eyes flew open as I remembered where I was, and I sat up in a rush.

  “Hey, sleeping beauty,” Jaden greeted me. “I hope I didn’t scare you.”

  “Oh, uh, no. Sorry... I don’t know how I ended up here.” I was disoriented, and a bit embarrassed that he had found me on his bed.

  “I’m glad you had a nap. You looked exhausted.”

  I felt exhausted, too. I still wasn’t sleeping well. I supposed it wasn’t surprising that I’d fallen asleep during the day, now that I had the chance.

  “I’m going to make lunch.” He headed for the kitchen, and I went to the washroom and washed my face, trying to wake up.

  “So why the suit this morning?” I climbed onto a stool and watched him in the kitchen.

  “Because it’s important to look the part. I was claiming to have the authority to take you out of school. I thought they’d be less likely to question me if I looked respectable.”

  I didn’t think ‘respectable’ quite covered it. ‘Spectacular’ would be more accurate.

  “Very clandestine. Thanks.” I noticed that he was preparing two plates. “Um, Jaden, I’m not really hungry.”

  He looked at me thoughtfully.

  “Sorry, Téa — my place, my rules. If you want to hang out here, you’re going to have to eat.” He dropped a plate in front of me, then walked around the counter to stand next to me. He ran his hand down my back, then across my ribs. It wasn’t a caress, it was purely appraising, the way I might run my hand over a horse’s ribs to assess her weight. “You’re way too thin.”

  I started to protest but wilted instead. I inspected my plate with a sigh. On it was some kind of wrap, along with a bowl of sauce for dipping.

  “Try it,” he encouraged. “It’s vegetarian.”

  I smiled. It felt odd, like I was out of practice. My eyes widened in surprise when I tried the wrap. It was really good.

  “Wow,” I said, “I can’t believe you made this... you can cook?”

  He gave half a shrug. “Well, I have to feed myself, and I like to eat well.”

  When I couldn’t finish my wrap he polished it off happily, making me feel right at home, since Seth usually finished what I didn’t.

  Before he left he handed me a key and a piece of paper. “You’ll be leaving before I get back, so here’s a map. And this is the key to my place. I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow.”

  After he left I spent most of the afternoon on the couch, reading a novel. I couldn’t go on this way indefinitely, I rea
lized sadly — my homework was piling up — but it was a nice break.

  As I was getting out of the shower the next morning I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I’d lost some weight, I had to admit. I could see ribs on my reflection. I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Dammit, I thought. I’d really wanted to prove Jaden wrong, but the scale said ninety-eight pounds. I tried getting off and stepping back on, but the number remained stubbornly the same. I resolved to make an effort to eat; I’d have no stamina for riding if I stayed this thin.

  When I got to Jaden’s I tried to sort through my assignments. By now everything was urgent. I got tired just thinking about it, so I pulled out my math, the subject I least needed to work on, but the one that would take the least effort.

  Jaden found me still absorbed in it at lunchtime. “Calculus?” he queried, looking over my shoulder.

  “Trig. Calculus is next year.”

  “Ugh.” He shuddered. “I’m glad that’s behind me.”

  I was surprised. From what Dec had told us Jaden was a very bright student. “You don’t like math?”

  “Not really,” he admitted. He had moved into the kitchen and was putting a pot on the stove. “I hear you’re a whiz at it, though. What other subjects do you like?”

  “Now? I couldn’t tell you,” I answered, suddenly subdued again as I realized the truth of those words. Jaden just nodded. He made pasta with vegetables and some kind of cream sauce; it was as delicious as yesterday’s wrap. I ate a bit more than I had the day before, and was rewarded by his smile of approval. He finished my leftovers again. When I started doing the dishes he got a dishtowel and dried.

  “I’ll do that, Jaden. Don’t you have to go?”

  “Soon.” He perused my face as he wiped a bowl. “How have you been sleeping?”

  I shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny. “Fine,” I lied.

  “You still look tired.” He hesitated, then went on gently. “Téa, have you considered talking to someone? A therapist, I mean.”

  I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t need to. I’m fine.”

  “Well, you don’t seem fine,” he said bluntly. My eyes flew to his face, startled. “Your behavior’s been erratic, you’re exhausted, you’ve lost weight — those are all classic symptoms of depression.”

  I shrugged noncommittally. I didn’t care what he thought my symptoms were, I wasn’t about to talk to some stranger about Blaze.

  He sighed. “Sometimes I think living with Dec has made you feel like you have to be tough all the time.”

  “I do have to be tough.” It just slipped out; I didn’t know what made me say it, but I kept washing the pot without looking at him.

  I felt his arms go around me. He pulled my hands out of the sink and cradled my head to his chest with one hand. To my shock, I found myself shaking violently, sobs threatening to burst from my throat. We stayed that way for a minute, Jaden holding me while I struggled to control myself.

  “I wish you’d just let it out, Téa,” he murmured.

  I pulled out of his embrace and backed up until I felt the counter at my back, keeping my eyes down and grinding my teeth against the sobs. I thought I heard him sigh again, but to my relief, he didn’t come any closer.

  “Will you be okay if I go back to school?”

  “Yes.” My voice was rough.

  “All right. I... I’ll see you tomorrow.” He sounded subdued. I listened to the sounds of his exit before returning to the sink.

  Exhaustion crashed over me while I finished the dishes, so I went and lay on the bed again. I was shivering, and I pulled back the covers and got under the comforter. As my head sank into the pillow I caught a hint of Jaden’s scent. I didn’t know why it made my throat constrict, but suddenly I couldn’t hold back the sobs any longer.

  I awoke with a start. It was late, and I dashed around frantically grabbing my stuff before running out to the car, still half-asleep. It wasn’t until I was on the highway that I remembered what had happened at lunchtime; I felt a hot flush of embarrassment at the memory. I wasn’t sure how to account for the intensity of my reaction, but upon reflection, I still couldn’t figure it out and after a while, I gave up.

  The next morning I impressed myself by working on biology and English. I was somewhat worried about seeing Jaden; I didn’t want to talk about my almost-breakdown. To my relief, he acted as though nothing had happened when he arrived at midday.

  “Hi cuz,” he said. “What do you feel like eating?”

  “I don’t know. I have no imagination when it comes to food,” I admitted.

  Jaden made sandwiches while I quizzed him about what law school was like. His descriptions of his professors and fellow students made me smile; they were insightful and not always complimentary. I had trouble picturing him in that kind of environment, though, and told him so while we started eating.

  “Why?” he asked curiously.

  “I don’t know... ‘lawyer’ just sounds like too stuffy a term to apply to you.”

  He grinned. “At least I’ll be able to get you out of trouble when you’re arrested for radical activism.”

  “All right, so you’ll come in useful,” I conceded. “But what made you choose law in the first place?”

  “Well, I’ve had the opportunity to travel quite a bit and though I work in wealthy countries, when I travel for pleasure I like to stray off the beaten path. I’ve made my way through most of Central and South America, as well as a bit of Asia, and many of the people there have very little in the way of protection. I saw enough outrageous and flagrant abuses to make me want to be a human rights lawyer, so I could help people protect themselves.”

  “But what about playing polo? Won’t you miss it?” I couldn’t imagine giving up riding for an office job.

  “I’ll still play, just not professionally. But yes, I’ll miss it, and the transition is hard. I’ve had to do a lot of adjusting this year already.”

  I checked the clock. “Hey, don’t you have to be back at school by now?” I asked him.

  “In theory, but I thought I’d hang out with you this afternoon.”

  “You’re gonna get in trub-ble,” I sang.

  “Nah. There’s a girl in my class with a crush on me,” he said easily. “She’ll give me a copy of her notes.”

  “I doubt there’s just one,” I muttered under my breath.

  He didn’t seem to hear. “What do you want to do? Walk around downtown? Catch a movie? Go shopping?” he rattled off suggestions.

  I started to perk up. An afternoon outside, doing something different, sounded great.

  “How about we start off walking and see where it leads us?”

  It was a nice day for March, and wandering the city with Jaden was like having an insider’s guide. We window-shopped, ate some Vietnamese food when Jaden inevitably got hungry, and browsed through a bookstore. We were at a coffee shop warming up when the conversation turned back to horses.

  “Remember that day we put Kermit in the paddock with the trailer?” he asked.

  “Yes.” I tried to say it as normally as possible, but I wasn’t likely to forget that day.

  “What happened? Why were you upset?”

  “I... what makes you think I was upset?” I equivocated.

  He gave me a ‘what do you take me for’ kind of look; I raised my brows back at him. I wasn’t admitting anything.

  “All right, then,” he said, watching my face. “When he ran from the trailer, you started shaking like a leaf. You backed away from it also, and your face was white. You didn’t even want to get near it on your way out, you went through the fence instead. And you had me catch Kermit later.”

  I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ground, stunned. I was grossly underestimating his powers of observation, that much was clear.

  “And up goes the wall again,” he muttered. I glanced at him. “You have more defenses than the Pentagon, Téa.”

  I assessed my posture — arms tight over my chest, teeth clamped
together — and had to smile slightly.

  “You can trust me, you know.” He leaned toward me over the table, his gaze locking onto mine. Its intensity was like a physical force; I could feel its pressure on my skin. “I know I haven’t always given you reason to in the past, but I’m on your side. Really.” There was no doubting the sincerity in his eyes.

  “I do trust you.” And I found, as I said it, that it was true. “It’s just that, what happened... it’s not something I talk about.”

  He smiled, and the intensity evaporated.

  “Okay, how about I go first. I’ll tell you something private about myself.” He paused, and the smile faded. “Something that’s not easy for me to talk about, because... I’m ashamed of it.”

  He definitely had my full attention. I picked up my coffee cup so I’d have something to do with my hands, but I was watching his face closely. He swallowed before he went on.

  “A few years ago, I was arrested and charged with assault.”

  I struggled to keep from showing how shocked I was. Dec’s golden boy arrested?

  “That’s really not what I expected,” I admitted. “What happened?”

  “I was at the racetrack. Fort Erie,” he started. I felt my eyes widen but didn’t want to interrupt him. “I found two guys beating up a man I knew, and I stepped in. They were injured and they pressed charges.” He was looking down, folding and unfolding an empty sugar packet.

  “Were you hurt?” He certainly didn’t look like a fighter, not with that perfect face.

  “No.” He looked at me. “I’ve told you I went through a rough patch in my teens, right?” I nodded. “Well, I did a fair amount of fighting during that time. I was... practiced.” He looked away again.

  “Does Dec know about this?” I couldn’t help asking.

  To my surprise, he grinned. “Dec’s the one I called to come and get me out of jail.”

  My mouth fell open. “Because you were also suicidal?” I asked faintly.

  His face softened. “I’m sure it must seem that way to you. But you might be surprised at what Dec’s capable of. In any case, I didn’t have a choice. I was too ashamed to call my mother, and I couldn’t call my dad.”