Blaze of Glory

by M. Garzon

  “What did he... what happened?”

  “He didn’t touch me if that’s what you’re wondering,” he said. “I did get the worst dressing down of my life on the drive home, though.” His expression was troubled when he went on. “That’s why, well, I never thought he’d be abusive toward you, Téa.”

  I stared at him in shock. “Dec’s not abusive.”

  His eyes tightened in pain. “Yes, he is. He hits you.”

  “Well, yeah, but it’s not frequent. Or completely unjustified.” I couldn’t believe I was actually defending Dec to Jaden. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

  “It’s never justified, Téa.” He leaned forward; the intensity was back in spades. “You never deserve that — no matter what you might think.”

  I averted my gaze, feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken.

  “Okay, you win,” I conceded, changing the subject. “Your secret is definitely bigger than mine.”

  His look of confusion only lasted a second, and then he grinned.

  “So you’ll tell me why you looked almost as freaked out as Kermit that day?”

  I nodded. I was nervous now that it was my turn on the hot seat. “I looked as freaked out as him because I was,” I began uncertainly. “Because... I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m crazy.”

  “Just say it. I solemnly swear not to think you’re crazy.”

  I searched his eyes. There was only curiosity there, no judgment. Not yet, anyway.

  “You asked for it. Sometimes, when I’m close to a horse — usually only when I’m riding — I can feel what they’re feeling.” I blurted it out in a rush, not looking at him.

  “Hmm,” he said thoughtfully. I chanced a look at his face; he was frowning in concentration. “That makes sense, I suppose.”

  “It does?” I said blankly.

  “Yes. You’re very sensitive, though you hide it well, so maybe you have the ability to sense more than the average person. It would certainly help explain your great subtlety as a rider.”

  I felt my heart lift. Not only did Jaden not think I was crazy, he thought I had ‘great subtlety’. I smiled at him.

  He checked the time on his phone. “We’d better head back. Say, can you make an excuse to be home late tomorrow?”

  “Sure, I don’t teach on Fridays.” And I didn’t have any horses to ride. Sigh.

  “I’m having some friends over after school, and I’m going to your place for the weekend. If you’d like, you can stay and meet my friends, and I’ll follow you home afterward.”

  “Okay.” I was a bit surprised that he’d asked, but he was good company. It would be better than moping around at home.

  We started walking back toward Jaden’s.

  “So, what happened with the assault charge?” I asked him, a bit hesitantly.

  “It was dropped, fortunately. You know, that whole incident ended up being a turning point in my life.” He glanced down at me thoughtfully. “I got some counseling, I let go of my anger, and everyone — including me — was a lot happier.”

  “If that’s your oh-so-subtle plug for therapy, I’m still not buying it,” I told him.

  “You’re just as stubborn as Dec,” he muttered. “Who knew that was a learned behavior?”

  I looked at him quizzically.

  “Dec’s been getting counseling. Did you know that?”

  I stopped dead on the sidewalk; he pulled me out of the way to let other pedestrians pass.

  “I take it you didn’t,” he said.

  I shook my head. I was speechless. Jaden leaned one shoulder against the storefront wall and watched me absorb the news.

  “Why?” I finally managed to ask. “And since when?”

  “It’s been a few months now. I tried to convince him to start last fall, after Seth told me... after the racetrack. But he flatly refused. Then, when I saw you try to goad him into hitting you after the Royal-”

  “That’s not what I was doing,” I denied indignantly.

  “It is and you know it. I’m familiar with the dynamic, Téa. Anyway, at that point, I called in the big guns — my mom. She convinced Dec, and he’s been undergoing therapy ever since, with her. It’s not ideal, given their relationship, but he refused to do it any other way.”

  “Dec’s getting counseling because of us? Seth and me?” I still couldn’t believe it.

  “Yes. And he’s made changes, I think,” Jaden replied seriously.

  “Why are you doing all of this?” I demanded suddenly.

  “We’re family, Téa. That means something to me.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” I replied, fighting a smile. “Carte blanche to meddle in my life. I almost forgot.”

  Fortunately, all the unaccustomed quiet time during my drive home gave me the opportunity for reflection because I had a lot to think about. I considered Jaden’s characterization of Dec as abusive; I was doubtful. Dec rarely hit Seth, other than the odd cuff to the head. And as for me, well, I could have driven Gandhi to violence. I tried to pinpoint changes in Dec’s behavior, but I’d been so blinkered by misery these past few months that I couldn’t be sure. He’d been more reasonable than I expected when I rode Zac, but I had chalked that up to Jaden’s presence. Maybe there was more to it than that. Then there was Jaden’s admission of his arrest. I had a hard time imagining it, he always seemed so... controlled. I’d never seen him lose his temper.

  * * *

  Seth missed the bus the next morning, so I drove him to school. He wasn’t back to his usual blithe self yet, he wasn’t even dating. We went to a drive-through for coffee on the way. As he was pulling his wallet out of his schoolbag a pack of cigarettes fell out.

  “What the hell, Seth?” I exclaimed, shocked.

  He shrugged. “Don’t freak out, Sis, it’s not a big deal. I just needed something to steady my nerves a bit.”

  “What do you mean it’s not a big deal? It’s a huge deal — you’re an athlete, for crying out loud! And you know what will happen if Dec ever catches you.”

  Smoking was at the very top of Dec’s list of ‘zero tolerance’ activities. If he ever caught either of us with a cigarette we would be flayed half to death, therapy notwithstanding. Of that I had no doubt.

  “I’m quitting, anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

  “How long have you been smoking?” I felt as though I’d just stepped into a parallel dimension; that Seth could be doing this without my knowledge seemed impossible.

  “Just a couple of weeks.”

  We got our coffees and I went and parked in the lot.

  “Hey, I’m gonna be late,” he protested. I grabbed his arm and waited for him to look at me. His eyes were troubled.

  “Moo... look, I’m sorry I’ve been so messed up lately,” I began awkwardly.

  “This isn’t about you, T.” He averted his eyes, sighing. “I’m on probation with the swim team. My coach says I’m not ‘committed’, whatever that means,” he said bitterly.

  “Oh.” I knew Seth loved swimming, but secretly I thought maybe his coach had a point. It wasn’t just the swimming, though. Seth ran hot and cold with everything. “I’m really sorry to hear that, but I don’t see how smoking-”

  “Look, I told you, I’m quitting. Promise.” He flashed me a smile, and I relented enough to drive him to school.

  I barely noticed driving into the city, consumed as I was by worry and guilt. I’d been wallowing so deeply in my own grief that I hadn’t even noticed how much Seth was being affected. He was undoubtedly troubled by the probation, but I was sure there was more to it than that. I wasn’t picking up after him at home, which caused some tension between him and Dec. I also normally kept Seth organized — I reminded him when his library books were due, when to pay his swim meet entry fees, and I supposed I hadn’t been doing those things either. I hadn’t really noticed. And Seth had loved Blaze too.

  I got another surprise when I arrived at Jaden’s: he was home, unshaven
and drinking coffee in front of his laptop.

  “Did I miss the memo?” I asked.

  “Hey, you’re taking the whole week off, can’t I take a day?”

  “I thought law school was supposed to be hard,” I grumbled.

  “Hard is relative.”

  I dumped my bag on the couch and went to sit by him. He studied my face for a moment before asking, “What’s wrong?”

  I hesitated, wondering how far I could trust him. The desire to share my worry won out over caution. “Promise not to say anything? To anyone?”

  He nodded.

  “Seth started smoking.” The sorrow was clear in my voice.

  “Damn.” He turned to face me. “This has been a bad time for both of you, hasn’t it?”

  I shrugged. I really didn’t know what was going on anymore.

  “You know, when you grow up with a psychologist as your mom, eventually some of their reasoning starts to rub off,” he said. “Sometimes you’ll hear how someone is feeling and guess how they’ll behave, and other times you can look at a person’s behavior and guess at the feelings driving it.”

  I frowned at him. “What are you talking about?”

  He took a breath before continuing. “One of the basic tenets of psychology is that guilt demands punishment. So if you’re feeling guilty about something, you’ll subconsciously act out in ways that will hurt you. Or that will get you caught.”

  I stared at him in confusion. “But what would Seth have to feel guilty about? He’s a wonderful person.” A way better person than I was.

  It was his turn to shrug. “Guilt isn’t logical. We can feel it over things we have no control over, things we’re not responsible for.”

  I suddenly knew where he was going with this, and I felt abruptly angry. “Would you please give the psychoanalysis a rest?”

  “Sure,” he said easily.

  I went to the couch and tried to work on a chemistry assignment for a while, but I couldn’t concentrate.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said finally, when I couldn’t look at another formula.

  “Of course.” He came and sprawled on the couch next to me. “I’d rather talk to you than study, anyway.”

  For some reason, I found myself unreasonably flattered.

  “Why did you do all that fighting, in your teens?”

  “It’s kind of a long story.”

  “I’m not really in the mood for homework today.”

  And so we talked. He started off telling me about his dad — I could tell he was censoring a lot there — and we moved on to his parent’s divorce, his relationship with his sister (good, but not especially close), his troubled teens, and finally, as always, back to polo and horses. Somehow, along the way, a lot of other things emerged too. By mid-afternoon I found myself talking about my mom, and Blaze, and my aspirations as a jumper rider.

  “Why did you move in with your dad?” I asked him at one point.

  “My mother and I were always fighting. My behavior was getting increasingly wild; she was doing her best to help but I resented her efforts. I felt she was trying to control me. I thought I’d have more freedom at my dad’s.”

  “But weren’t you worried about living with him?” I would have thought, considering their history, that it would be awkward at best.

  He smiled. “What, about him getting physical? No. I was sixteen; I was as big as him by then. And in any case, the balance of power had shifted — he knew full well I wouldn’t tolerate that anymore.”

  “How was it, living there?”

  “Well, I did have more freedom. My dad worked a lot, and he wasn’t too concerned about keeping track of my comings and goings.”

  “Sounds great.” I grinned.

  “I enjoyed myself for a while,” he agreed. “I partied, drank, experimented with drugs... but eventually, I also crashed my car and totaled it, and almost got expelled from school. Only my dad’s influence and, I suspect, a generous donation kept me there. In the end, I’d say it’s nice to have someone around who cares enough to put their foot down when that’s what you need.”

  I wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t prefer the freedom, personally. He had questions for me, too.

  “How was life with Dec while your mom was still with you?”

  “It was great. Seth and I thought we’d died and gone to heaven when we first moved. We went from a small townhouse in the suburbs to a whole farm to tear up.” I smiled at the memory. “And my mom was so happy, her joy just kind of spilled over onto us, you know?”

  He nodded. “Yes, I can imagine your mother having that effect. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out. When they got married Dec was the happiest I’ve ever seen him.”

  “To be honest, I didn’t understand the attraction at first — they were so different. My mom was so open and easygoing, and Dec’s so... not. Of course, now I understand better. She was a single mom to two wild kids, and she was easily overwhelmed. Stuff like bills and taxes and big decisions just freaked her out. And you know what Dec’s like. When they started dating, he just took over everything.”

  We got up to get a drink; I leaned on the counter while Jaden poured orange juice.

  “Level with me, Jaden. Why all the psychology talk this morning?”

  He handed me my juice. “Because I see myself in you. You’re behaving the way I did when my life started spiraling downhill, and I don’t want you to go through what I did.”

  I was puzzled by his assessment. His problems mostly stemmed from his dad’s abuse and mine... well, I was just sad. Not only did I miss Blaze himself, but with his death, I’d lost my last link to my mother, as well as a potential future career. I didn’t see how those two things compared. I didn’t want to tell him that, though, so I changed the subject.

  “Who’s coming over later?”

  “My good friends Chris and Ryan — Ryan painted most of the pieces in the living room; Brianna — she’s in my class at school, and Jesse. Jesse and I used to be in a band together.”

  I looked at him, startled. “You were in a band?”

  “Yup. I was the drummer.” He beat out a rhythm on the countertop with his fingers, then laughed at the face I was making. “What, can’t picture it?”

  “No, I can, that’s the problem.” I shook my head, striving to put my discomfort into words. “You’re just so... accomplished. It makes me wonder what I’ve been doing with my time.”

  “I’ll tell you what you’ve been doing. You’ve been working.” As usual, he looked frustrated when the subject came up. “I’ve led a much more privileged life than you have, Téa; I had the luxury of developing other interests.”

  I loved Jaden’s friends. Chris and Ryan arrived first; Chris was part-Asian, good-looking, and very friendly. We were soon talking animatedly on the couch. Ryan was tall and slim, with loopy reddish-brown curls and a shy smile. I liked him instantly. Then came Jesse, with brown eyes and hair and a more mellow vibe. And lastly, Brianna. I wondered whether she was the girl who was crushing on Jaden, and I moved from the couch to a chair on her arrival, so that I could watch.

  Brianna was not what I expected. She was Black, with striking features and gold highlights in her hair. Jaden took her coat; he leaned close to her with a half-smile and spoke low in her ear. Her lips curved upward in response. He didn’t touch her, but his expression was one I’d never seen before, almost predatory. It made me uncomfortable, for some reason. Jaden introduced her to everyone; she looked even more exotic close up, her very skin seeming to exude a subtle shimmer. I felt very plain and provincial next to her, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it because everyone — Brianna included — was so interesting. The conversation and laughter flowed freely while the music from Jaden and Jesse’s old band played in the background. I was genuinely sorry when it was time to go.

  Jaden walked me to my car.

  “Are you dating Brianna?” I asked before I got in.

  “Not yet.” He grinned at me. “What do you think my chan
ces are?”

  “Excellent,” I assured him. “Her body language was all ‘go’.”

  “Thanks, kid.” He ruffled my hair, and for some reason that irked me too.

  Seven

  On Saturday Jaden was going to the polo club. When he invited us along I accepted eagerly, but Seth had swimming practice. I wondered sadly whether the smoking had damaged his lungs yet.

  It was a short drive to the club. It was my first time in Jaden’s car since that ill-fated day at the racetrack seven months before, and I couldn’t help reflecting on how our relationship had changed. Back then I’d barely known him, yet I had hated what I knew. And now, I thought he was not only the coolest cousin anyone could hope for, I also considered him a friend.

  We drove down a wide driveway flanked by enormous stone lions and through tall wrought-iron gates. I assumed the huge building on the right was some sort of hotel until Jaden said, “That’s the owners’ house. I’ll introduce you later.”

  The stable area was immaculately kept and dotted with barns; we went into the largest one and were immediately approached by a stocky, black-haired man. As he shook Jaden’s hand he said something I didn’t understand. For a second, I was mystified, until Jaden responded in what sounded like perfectly fluent Spanish. I gaped at him in shock. It made sense, of course — his mother was from Argentina. I knew Aunt Paloma spoke Spanish, but it hadn’t occurred to me that Jaden would, too. He was looking at me now, taking in my open-mouthed expression.

  “What?” he asked, grinning.

  “It’s just... I didn’t know that you spoke Spanish.” One more accomplishment to add to his already overly long list, I grumbled to myself.

  “Téa, this is José. He works as a groom for the club, I was just telling him that you’re my cousin.” José looked at me with interest and answered my tentative smile with a shy one of his own. We were admiring the horses in their stalls when a shriek rent the air behind us. I turned in time to see a black-haired girl throw herself at Jaden.

  “Jaden! It’s about time, I’ve been languishing here all morning,” she said as she hugged him.