"Wow, you're really edgy today. What's up with you? We're decorating your apartment for the holidays and you're in a snit!"
"I'm sorry. It's not you, honestly. Let me turn on some music. That will help."
We'd been listening to the same CD of carols for decades. It was a special tradition that always managed to get me into the holiday spirit. It was the day after Thanksgiving. Instead of waiting in the insane lines and shopping with the crazies, Morgan and I hauled out all of our Christmas décor and decorated each other's places. But things with Mayson were getting to me and I was inadvertently taking it out on one of my favorite people in the world.
"It's fine. Do you want to talk about it?" Morgan asked hesitantly, probably afraid of the possible meltdown that could ensue.
"It's Mayson, obviously. Things are just...off."
"What do you mean?" she asked, seeming genuinely curious.
"He's just different, somehow. Ever since I brought up the possibility of traveling to Denver for Thanksgiving, he's been acting odd."
"Maybe he just feels guilty," she said with a casual shrug.
"Possibly, but it feels like more. It feels like..."
"College?" Morgan knew me so very well.
"Exactly. He pulled away from me then, and this feels just like that. It's agonizing. The phone calls are shorter. The texts are less affectionate. And I know this sounds silly, but he hasn't called me Sugar at all since the conversation about Denver. That's exactly what he did last time. It's overwhelming, like an old wound is being opened again. It's all too much."
"Shit."
"This is exactly what I was afraid of. This is why I was hesitant to start things up again. I knew this would happen!"
"Don't get ahead of yourself. Maybe there's a simple reason why he's acting weird. Some people are weird during the holidays."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, haven't you heard about the suicide rates at Christmas time?"
"Well, yeah, but that's different."
"I know, but people can still deal with things differently. Can you talk to him about it? Tell him that you're getting a sense of deja vu?"
"I want to, but I can't say anything like that. He hates when I bring up what happened at school. He made me promise to stop going backwards with us."
"I guess he has a point. But that doesn't mean you should ignore your feelings. That's not fair to you."
"I can feel myself building a wall to protect myself, to protect my heart. I can't let it get broken again. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm going to regret ever dancing with him at Elise's wedding."
"Okay, you're spiraling now, Daph. Take a deep breath. I know this guy has hurt you so much in the past. But, he's right--you have to leave it there, in the past, if you're going to have a future with him. The question is, is he worth it?"
"God, I hope so."
That evening, completely exhausted from hours of decorating, I plopped myself into my soft, leather reading chair and grabbed my kindle from the coffee table. It was time to read a nice, relaxing book, forget all about my troubles and lose myself in a story. Delving into the plot of my novel, listening to Damien Rice singing softly, my thoughts drifted once again to Mayson. I was falling for him deeply. And it scared me to death.
A strong knock on my back door startled me and my heart raced. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was already 9:00 pm. Who could be here at this hour?
I glanced through the peephole and saw Mayson on the other side of the door. My heart flipped into my throat. Completely overwhelmed, I opened the door.
"Surprise," he said shakily.
"What are you doing here?"
"I had to see you. Can I come in?" he asked, looking unsure of what the answer would be.
"Of course!" My pulse was speeding rapidly, completely off the charts. Adrenaline was coursing through my body as I had no idea what to think. For weeks I'd been preparing for my demise with Mayson, but here he was, standing in my apartment, shivering from the Midwestern chill.
"You must be freezing," I said, turning to get a blanket. Before I could take two steps, Mayson grabbed my hand. He twirled me around into his arms and I fell backwards into his firm chest. A nervous laugh fell from my lips.
"I've missed you. I've missed that incredibly sexy laugh," he said, staring into my eyes.
So badly I wanted to tell him how much I'd missed him, but the words wouldn't come. I'd built my wall. Terrified of saying too much, of drawing parallels from the past, I mustered a small smile.
"It's good to see you too."
"Here," he said, passing me a small brown paper gift bag.
"What is it?" I asked.
"South Carolina pralines. They're my Mama's recipe. The best in town."
A small box rested inside the bag. I opened the flaps and revealed large mounds of caramel colored candies with chunks of pralines throughout. They smelled like fresh brown sugar.
"Mmmm, they smell delicious."
"Come, you have to try them. And I want to see your face when you do. Mama doesn't mess around with pralines."
Several hours later, we were lounging on the couch, watching a romantic comedy. The pralines were gone. We'd eaten every bite. If Mayson hadn't been with me, I would've eaten the crumbs at the bottom of the box. His mother was really talented in the kitchen. I'd never tasted praline candy before. It was rich, buttery and decadent. One of the most fantastic things I'd ever tasted.
As Mayson rubbed my back, I felt a little more relaxed and ready to ask the question I'd wanted to ask, needed to ask since he arrived at my door. It was the elephant in the room and we both knew it. It was time to get rid of the elephant.
"Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?"
"No, I didn't." he said, his tone was odd, almost as if he was upset with me. But that didn't make any sense. After all, I wanted to spend the holiday together.
"Why is that?" I asked, confused.
"I didn't get any of that sweet potato soufflé you told me about. Why do you think I hopped on a plane today? I just had to try it." He winked at me, his rascally grin flashing, causing my cheeks to grow pink.
"Well, you could've had some yesterday. My mom's not the only one who makes a decent soufflé. But, you didn't give me the chance." I said, terrified that I'd not only exposed the elephant in the room, but also tied a bright pink feather boa to its trunk. Mayson didn't hesitate. He nodded and took a deep breath. He was clearly prepared for this conversation. Maybe he knew me better than I gave him credit for.
"I know and I'm really sorry. But I'm here now."
"But, that doesn't change anything. It doesn't tell me why you turned me down."
"I know. I did a lot of thinking as I sat at my mother's dining room table last night wishing you were there with me."
I tried to keep the air in my lungs as he said these words, but I couldn't.
"Really?" My voice was soft and hoarse.
"Oh my god, yes. I wish you had been there with me. I wish I could've introduced you to my family. I wish I could've held your hand at the dinner table while my dad carved the bird. I wish a lot of things had been different..." His words faded and he looked away briefly, guilt spread across his face.
He paused before continuing, "But I realized something yesterday...something important" he said softly, gently stroking my cheek with his hand. I looked at him with narrow eyes.
"Yes?" My heart was pounding so fast I
"I love you, Daphne...so much." Mayson's eyes were glossy. He looked at me with wide eyes. His brows reaching toward the ceiling.
My world stopped. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The words I'd hoped to hear for so many months, so many years since this gorgeous man walked into my life, had just been spoken. But now that I was hearing them, I was beyond conflicted. All of the cold phone calls, the short text messages, everything that had happened since he came back into my life were invading my brain and I was incapable of ignoring them. Desperately, I tried to tear down the
wall I'd built, but it stayed up. It was too strong. I couldn't break it down. Not yet. And so, I avoided his words altogether.
"So...do you think your Mom could give me the recipe?"
"What?" His tone was harsh. I felt terrible.
"For the pralines. Is it a secret recipe or do you think she'd share it?"
"Daph, did you hear me? I said I loved you. I'm in love with you."
"I know. But, I'm not sure what to say."
"Wow," he said, staring down at the carpet. "I guess I deserved that." He shrugged again. "I know I haven't exactly been easy to deal with lately...but, I love you. Are you hearing me?"
His voice sounded pained and desperate. I wanted to take the pain away, but I couldn't. Searching for words to erase what I'd said, to make everything alright, I tried desperately to say the three words that he wanted to hear...but I couldn't. They would not leave my lips. I was too afraid; too terrified of regretting them after they'd been said.
"Give me time, Mayson. I know I'll feel that way...eventually."
"Eventually?"
"You have me on such a roller coaster. When we are up, we are so, so up. Everything is amazing. But when we are down, I feel lost and, to be honest, terrified a lot of the time that you'll still break my heart."
My words trailed off as I shrugged my shoulders and put my hand in his. He clutched it tightly and nodded, not looking at me.
"So, what do we do now?" He asked.
"Just give me some time. I'll catch up."
"Okay...I'll do my best."
Mayson and I didn't make love that night. And when I drifted off to sleep, I could see him staring up at the ceiling, his forehead crinkled in frustration. And I knew I'd done that to him, to us.
Why couldn't I have just told him how I really feel?
As stupid as it sounds, I couldn't get Kim's words out of my head. We'd visited her a while ago, but it kept creeping into my subconscious every so often.
He's not the one I see.
Part of me wanted to go back there and ask for more information. As trivial as it seemed, she got to me. Her confidence that my future held happiness, only not with him, grated on my nerves. I was constantly unsettled because of her certainty in an entirely different future than the one I had hoped for with Mayson. She made me question everything going on with us. Was I just wasting time with him?
Was she the reason that I'd been unable to say the words? Had she messed so much with my mind that I held back to this degree--sabotaging my relationship?
Whatever the reason, the damage was done, and I had to live with it. The truth was, I wasn't ready to say those three little words, even though I felt them. I just couldn't. Not yet.
#
Chapter 14
Mistake
I woke up the next morning and there was no sign of Mayson. His duffel bag was gone, his tooth brush was not on my sink, and I could no longer smell his woodsy scent in my bedroom. He had left me. I couldn't say the words that he needed to hear, and now he was gone.
Consumed by sadness, I threw myself on the couch, sobbing until I could no longer summon the energy to cry. Completely destroyed, I realized that this was all my own doing. I called Morgan, desperately needing someone to console me, to comfort me as I digested the fact that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.
"Honey, what happened?" she asked, walking into my apartment and wrapping her arms around me.
"Mayson showed up at my door last night. He told me he loved me," I said between sobs.
"Well, that's wonderful. Why on earth are you crying? And where's Mayson?"
"No, you don't get it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say it back."
"But you do love him. He should know that by now, even if you couldn't say the words. You've always loved that man." She rubbed my back reassuringly as she spoke.
"I messed it all up, Morgan. I put up a wall and I've blocked him out. And now, he's gone. He's just...gone."
"Honey, let me make you a cup of tea. Have you eaten anything?"
"No, I haven't. Tea would be nice, though." She nodded, gave me a gentle smile, and walked towards the kitchen, stopping as she glanced at the counter top.
"Daph, have you been in here yet today?" Confused, I tried to dissect the look on her face. She held up a simple piece of paper. It was a note from Mayson.
Dear Daphne,
I feel terrible that I'm leaving while you are still asleep. I have some things to think about. I promise I'll call you tomorrow. Please forgive me.
Love,
Mayson
"Well, at least he feels bad about leaving." Morgan placed the notebook paper on my coffee table as I stared into space. "Honey, I don't want to make this any worse, but can I ask what you did say when he said he loved you?"
"I changed the subject. Asked him about his mom's praline recipe," I said, glancing up at her with a sheepish expression.
"Ouch." She grimaced.
"I know. He even said it a second time. But, I froze," I said, hanging my head. "I love him, I do...desperately. That's what terrifies me."
"So why didn't you just say it?"
"Did you not hear what I said, Morgan? I'm afraid--so afraid that he'll break my heart."
"So instead, you broke his?"
"I didn't know I was capable, I guess." I shrugged.
"But he said it first. Wasn't that thrilling?"
"Yes, of course, but so confusing. He's basically been avoiding me since I asked to be with him at Thanksgiving. And then he shows up out of nowhere, saying everything I've always wanted him to say."
"Maybe you should call him. Tell him now. Better late than never?"
"No, in his note, he said he'd call me tomorrow. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't want me to contact him before then. Besides, he says he has to think things through." Hanging my head, I continued, "Maybe this is just too much for me, Morgan. Maybe I need something simpler, someone who doesn't make me feel like this."
"Like what? In love?" Morgan asked, surprised.
"No, of course I want to be in love. But you have no idea how tortured this love makes me feel. We're up, we're down. We're on, we're off. I can't keep up. I'm constantly confused, bewildered, overwhelmed, and panicked. I trust him one minute, but can't rely on him the next."
"That's normal. Love is a leap of faith, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess," I said, unconvinced. "But even though he said the words, I have no idea what that even means to him. Maybe I should be with someone who doesn't make me feel so uneasy. Someone I can be comfortable with."
"Maybe," Morgan said unconvincingly. "But, love isn't always comfortable. It doesn't always come wrapped in a bow."
"I know, but this doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel right."
"Listen, I know you're feeling awful, but Matt and his friends are having a get together at the Cubby Bear. Maybe you'd feel better if you came out with us tonight. It could get your mind off all of this."
"But what if he calls?"
"Bring your cell. You can step outside and talk to him if he calls. I hate to think of you sitting around in your apartment feeling like this. You look awful, Daph."
"Wow, thanks."
"He'll come around. He loves you...he does. It'll all work itself out. Let's go get your mind off of things, even if it's only for a few hours."
"All right," I agreed begrudgingly. I wiped my eyes and walked to the shower.
Later that evening, I was finishing my third Long Island iced tea and dancing with Morgan to a local band. Buzzed was an understatement to describe my level of intoxication. I was feeling no pain whatsoever as I swayed and bounced to the blaring music. Eventually, Matt and his friend, Evan, began dancing with us. Matt swooped in and wrapped his arms around Morgan. She leaned in seductively and placed her head on his shoulder. As they danced, Evan stood behind me and we swayed to the music together.
I could feel Evan closing the gap between us, placing his hands gently on my hips. His breath was hot against my
neck as we began to fall into rhythm with one another. I rocked from left to right, inching closer and closer to him as the music pounded. Slowly, he twisted me until we were face to face.
Evan was really good looking. I'm not going to lie. He was tall and lean with olive skin. His short chocolate brown hair was spiked a bit at the front. His deep brown eyes were warm, but sexy, and I found myself wanting to attach myself to him, attach myself to something easier, something simpler than what I had with Mayson.
"You're so hot," Evan said into my ear, threading his fingers through my hair. It made my skin tingle.
"Thanks, you're not so bad yourself." I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.
Evan and I had crossed paths in the past, usually in settings such as these, but I'd never paid him much attention. He was a laid back guy who seemed to always be single. His sense of humor was sarcastic and he made me laugh, but until tonight, I'd never felt any type of spark with him. Whether it was the Long Island making its way through my bloodstream or the heartbreak that was consuming me, it didn't matter. All I knew was that this perfectly attractive and friendly guy had his hands on my hips and his eyes locked with mine. And I was intrigued.
Through my drunken haze, I was jerked back to my meeting with Kim the psychic. She mentioned the man I would be with in the future. He would have brown hair. She also said it would take time for us to fall in love, to be happy. Overcome with emotion, I told Evan that I needed to use the washroom.
"Hurry back," he said, smiling.
Running to Morgan, I yanked her from Matt's arms and dragged her to the Ladies' Room.
"What the hell is going on, Daphne?" Morgan was tipsy too. This conversation was going to be a challenge.
"Do you think the psychic was talking about Evan?"
"What? You hardly seemed interested in him. What are you talking about?"
"The psychic, Morgan! Remember the psychic? She said I was going to end up with a guy with chestnut hair. His hair is dark brown! That's chestnut, right?" I asked, staring into space. The Long Islands were disturbing the processing in my fuzzy brain.
"Yes, Daphne, chestnut is dark brown." Morgan rolled her eyes. "But you don't even like him. You're just humoring him because you're upset."
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