So Now You're a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead (Humour)

by John Austin

  The coagulating blood also causes signs of rigor mortis in the victim’s muscles. Other early signs of infection include skin discoloration, pain, and numbness. The skin will attempt to combat the infection, and will turn a purplish-brown color. The nervous system reacts to the unpleasant sensory overload; twitching and cursing are common.

  Stage 2: Fever

  With the human immune system incapable of stopping the infection, more visible symptoms begin to appear. Although the victim experiences chills, his or her internal body temperature actually elevates, showing signs of a high-grade fever of around 100 to 106° F. The fever will continue to worsen until the paralysis of stage 4 sets in. The chart below should give you an idea of the progression.

  BODY TEMPERATURE DURING ZOMBIFICATION

  Increased heart rate will lead to acute joint pain, and the victim’s body will try to counteract the attack by vomiting. Stomach fluids and undigested food have a high probability of being infectious at this stage, making the victim’s vomit lethal.

  Stage 3: Early Brain Mutation

  The host’s cognitive functions are severely damaged as the virus begins to infest the billions of neurons in the brain. Severe encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) causes confusion and abnormal behavior. Cells that are not mutated are often killed in the process.

  Hallucinations and mild dementia are followed by the inability to speak or swallow. The operation of individual neurons is disrupted, impairing muscle coordination and ultimately leading to partial paralysis. The virus also alters the brain’s thalamus, shutting down all pain receptors, and damages the temporal lobe. Once these renovations are complete, the victim will be capable only of basic motor functions and primitive instinctual responses.

  Stage 4: Paralysis

  Full-body paralysis is necessary in order to restrain the body during the final stages of transformation. A body that does not lose complete mobility could overexert itself, possibly causing permanent death (i.e., no post-life).

  In the paralysis stage, the victim first experiences overall numbness as the virus lowers his or her heart rate. Then lower-body paralysis sets in, followed by upper-body paralysis. The victim’s flesh is now 50 percent infectious, and it generates reduced levels of the once-irresistible fresh-flesh pheromone (see “Nose,” page 24). So not only is the host’s flesh becoming useless to you and your fellow hungry zombies, but it will also repel you from attacking. This is a helpful feature, because if the victim is attacked and killed before reaching the final stages of zombification, he or she will never make it to reanimation.

  Stage 5: Coma

  While it appears that the body has shut down, the virus is actually modifying the nanotubes in the host’s cellular walls. Once these structures are completely infected and transformed, they transport endogenous chemicals from cell to cell, allowing low-level intercellular communication that bypasses the complex systems of the human body. While this cellular communication is slower, it is necessary once the victim’s nervous system shuts down.

  Cellular wall nanotubes

  More zed puberty is also taking place. Skeletal muscles are slightly modified to serve basic locomotion. These muscles no longer need oxygen-rich blood; instead, they function with the blood already circulating in the muscles at the time of infection. This infected blood eventually will need to be replenished by uninfected flesh.

  Stage 6: Heart Stoppage

  A necessary step of zombification is to disconnect all energy-draining body functions. Once cell mutation is complete, the virus pulls the plug—like you, the victim is now a flatliner! Once the heart stops, brain activity also comes to a screeching halt, erasing his or her memory.

  Stage 7: Reanimation

  What’s up, zombification survivor? The host’s anatomy now experiences reverse rigor mortis, unclamping the body following its final transformation. This reanimation can take anywhere from a few minutes to several hours, depending on virus strain. Body temperature levels off at approximately 70° F, and low-level viral brain activity can also be detected.

  The new zombie will start to experience faint body movements that are stimulated by reflexes. It will eventually arise to discover a combination of physical and psychological changes, along with new abilities with which it is not yet familiar. Subconsciously, it feels hungry, not in the stomach but in the brain. This is the virus communicating that it needs human flesh ... now! The victim is now 100 percent infected, and one bad-ass zed!

  Worldwide Infection

  Any brain-eating zed currently roaming the earth has the potential to fully contaminate the world of the living. No matter how an outbreak spreads, its all starts with one zombie—maybe even you! If you have the ambition to be Patient Zero, you must first squeeze out a teaspoon of infected blood and get yourself to a highly populated area for about 30 days. Your main goal should be to quickly decrease the number of the breathers while increasing the infected horde.

  For a better understanding of what a worldwide outbreak would look like, we’ve created a best-case model covering 160 days. It clearly demonstrates your infectious potential. However, many factors, such as population density, geography, and the effectiveness of the human resistance could alter the real-world results. Remember, zed plans never go according to plan, so be prepared for the unexpected.

  8 Days

  Someone’s been infected! Perhaps thanks to you, the first humans have succumbed to the z-virus and withstood zombification. Initial success isn’t just dumb luck; as mentioned before, we rely on the fact that the newly infected are often misdiagnosed and not properly treated with preventative termination. For this reason, three out of five new zombies survive the first 48 hours, and 56 percent of all outbreaks last at least 8 days.

  Once reanimated and unrestrained, the new recruits are free to quickly disrupt the human status quo. Remember, without aggressive networking, the horde’s effort will simply fizzle out. If you want to maintain a terrifying crisis level, we suggest you infect 75 humans during the outbreak’s incubation period. Yes, this sounds daunting, but with a 24-hour reanimation cycle, you won’t be working alone for long.

  30 Days

  If the outbreak has survived the first 30 days, it has a real chance. At this point, zombie numbers should have escalated into the thousands. A horde this size is very capable of generating widespread panic. The living resistance will scramble to quarantine large metropolitan areas within military perimeters. With high-density populations trapped, the infection will spread rapidly.

  Cities and small countries have the potential to collapse altogether, sometimes in as short as 28 days. To further spread the outbreak, you’ll need to penetrate containment perimeters. Review previous chapters for information on how to navigate obstacles and barricades.

  160 Days

  If the outbreak is still raging after 160 days, containment perimeters have clearly been compromised. A global pandemic is now within reach. With multiple fronts battling a worldwide outbreak, humans will show signs of exhaustion, their supplies diminished. Soon even larger countries may be overrun by hundreds of thousands of hungry brain-eaters.

  The infected horde will continue to multiply unless new, unconventional weaponry is successfully deployed against the horde. To prevent such a setback, targeting the humans’ high-tech installations becomes increasingly important (see “Other Human Infrastructures,” page 58). Toward the tail-end of the first year of infection, the total collapse of human civilization will be near. With any luck, you could soon be walking through the valley of the shadow of death, fearing no evil!

  Reset your calendars to 1 A.Z.—After Zombie!

  Infecting Animals

  [NOT RECOMMENDED]

  Depending on z-virus strain and their own biological makeup, some animals can experience zombification. The following creatures are the most susceptible to infection: apes, bears, bulls, cats, chimps, crocodiles, crows, dogs, elephants, gorillas, hippopotamuses, horses, komodo dragons, monkeys, pigs, rhinos, sharks, and wo
lves. A pretty impressive lineup—so would it be a good idea to invite infected critters into the horde?

  The real question is, why risk it? Animals that resemble something out of a Pet Sematary are never a good idea to have around, not even for zombies. Think about it: if infected, an animal with far superior speed and strength would be competing with zeds to consume human flesh, and would likely succeed! In addition, attempting to purposely infect an animal can end in your own disfigurement. Almost all zombified animals are uncontrollable. And some animals, because of their size and power, should be avoided, infected or not (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114).

  Only a few undead animal could realistically assist a horde. The most notable is zed’s best friend, the domesticated zombie canine. (Not to be confused with werezombies.) But infected dogs are susceptible to many of the same problems zeds face; they need uninfected flesh to hold back the ravages of decomposition. They also have a shorter life cycle than human brain-eaters, due to the increased physical strain their undead bodies are subjected to.

  It’s also surprisingly difficult to deliberately infect even a domesticated animal. If captured, most animals will reject your toxic flesh as food. The zed body certainly doesn’t smell appetizing, and it lacks carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. Starving animals that foolishly consume infectious flesh often die and do not reanimate.

  But as with humans, animal are sometimes infected unintentionally. A curious critter that sniffs infected poo-poo or a terminated zed corpse could pick up the strain. (By the same token, if an uninfected human sniffs around an infected animal corpse, he or she could be infected.) Animals can also contract the virus by attacking a zombie—but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to deliberately provoke an animal in order to infect it!

  9

  IN THE END

  Change is in the stale air—or is it the absence of that sweet fragrance of flesh? Sprawling streets, once filled with ear-piercing screams and sirens, are now mute, save only for the howl of the wind. Juicy bodies have been replaced with useless rotten carcasses. Ruination is everywhere, with barricades unbreached, a sure sign of death. Either by depletion or evacuation, once-plentiful brainy resources have all but disappeared, and your monthly supply of grub has become murderous to round up.

  What’s worse, the once relentless horde is beginning to show signs of fragility. Starving zeds go stiff from extreme decomposition. The z-virus may have mutated, removing the very safeguards that once kept one zombie from attacking another. As the violence grows, snapping and clawing gives way to zed-on-zed murder.

  Is this it? Is this the zombie plague we so desperately pursued? Are you feeling like the unwitting pawn in an undead apocalypse?

  Well, if you think the end is near, read on.

  Never Give Up!

  Yes, you heard us right: never give up! Intoxicating gray matter may be hard to scare up, but it’s out there, waiting to be slurped down. While the human race may seem fragile, history has proven that they show amazing perseverance. No matter how overwhelming the zed siege was, pockets of mortals may survive in hiding, camouflaged, conspiring toward yet another undead onslaught.

  To find these hidden breathers, may we suggest a change of scenery? Shamble your horde to new, unfamiliar hunting grounds. Do whatever is necessary to prolong your post-life along the way, including taste-testing nonhuman sources of food (see “Ordering Off the Menu,” page 114). Experiment with all types of creepy-crawly foods, including worms and bugs.

  No matter how desperate you are, though, do not resort to zombie cannibalism! Unless you’re doing it for some twisted personal revenge, eating a fellow zed serves absolutely no purpose, and is actually counterproductive. Infected flesh does not nourish the z-virus; it will only weigh down your frame, reducing your mobility. In addition, if you introduce an incompatible virus strain into your body, there could be all types of unpleasant side effects, including virus blisters. These pockets of toxic fluids can reduce your zombie abilities—eyes, ears, nose, and mouth can become clogged with skin boils. So before sampling another zed, search under every rock, leaf, and twig for an edible alternative. And rest assured that your tasty human opposition is out there somewhere, ready to be put back on the menu.

  “Well-done apocalyptic is better than well-said apocalyptic.”

  ZEDJAMIN FRANKLIN

  Escaping Captivity

  As a zombie outbreak winds down, you may find yourself captured by the elusive human resistance. While you probably won’t be happy to find yourself quarantined, it’s better than decapitation any day.

  Keep in mind, however, that the breathers didn’t spare your life out of the goodness of their still-beating hearts. They generally capture zombies to engage in experimentation and tingling torture, neither of which should faze you. But another possibility is that they are processing you for disposal, which will faze you—out!

  Humans are fully aware that you pose a serious hazard to them. To keep you safely contained, they’ll often resort to shackles and solitary confinement. Imprisoned, away from the horde, what’s a zed to do?

  Step 1: Gnaw on Your Restraints

  Your first move should be to free yourself from bondage. Use your teeth. Leather, plastic, and rope can all be gnawed through. But if the restraints are made out of a metal alloy, you may need to chew or twist off your appendages. Don’t get carried away—just gnaw the appendages that are restrained. Yes, dismemberment sucks, but at least you’ll be one step (or crawl) closer to freedom.

  Step 2: Attack the Guards

  Use one of your body weapons (see “Use Your Body as a Weapon,” page 81) to overcome your captors. Projectile vomiting is the most effective weapon when confined, but it’s not always possible for all zeds. Continue kicking and screaming until you’ve released your deadly contagion onto one or all of your captors.

  Step 3: Exit

  If the previous step succeeds, your living guards soon should be feeling the symptoms of the virus. This gives you a few exit options: You can try to bolt while they are weakened and delusional—however, you may run into obstacles (see “Obstacles You Will Face,” page 59).

  You can wait until the virus paralyzes them, feed on them for strength, and then attempt to depart.

  Perhaps the best option is to wait for your captors to be reanimated. If they survive zombification, they may be a big help. Research from field observation has shown that some newly reanimated zeds repeat past learned behaviors, such as unlocking cell doors. Your new zedmate could very well set you free!

  Zombicide

  Zombicide [ZOM-bee-side]: The act of voluntarily terminating oneself, if one is a zombie, during an activity that does not involve pursuing human flesh.

  Desperate times call for desperate measures. When all else fails, some zeds may want to avoid a slow, decomposing death. While we do not advocate zombicide, we can’t stop you from trying it. You may have encountered too many hazards in the human world, any of which could have terminated you. But what if no mortal is present to do the deed? Two self-inflicted options stand out from all the others. Review these options, but please reconsider—you have your whole undead life ahead of you!

  Fire

  After any widespread zombie uprising, you’re likely to find a number of fires burning out of control. If you are a truly lazy zed, and are suffering the drying effects of decomposition, creep into the burning embers to end it all. The next few minutes will be your last, as flames swallow up your devilish bag of bones.

  Fall

  Height can kill! If you’re looking for a quick way to destroy your brain, take a tumble off a bridge, parking structure, or high-rise. But before you do, make sure you’ll be falling three stories or more. Anything less will just cause deformities.

  Be warned, other zeds may follow you. Zombies have been known to exhibit lemming-like behavior, which could turn your zombicide into a deadly game of follow the leader. To reduce horde fatalities, wait until your fellow zombies are safely out of sight.

>   APPENDIX

  THE ZOMBIE CODE

  In the early part of the first century A.D., the zombie movement was plagued with setbacks. Operating without guidelines or responsibilities, our predecessorsʹ mismanaged terror campaign only led to the demise of a number of zombie hordes. Eventually, they decided to draw up a simple Undead Agreement, known today as the Zombie Code. This code outlines general rules of behavior for the undead.

  Unfortunately, many new recruits are unaware of this document. We provide it here as a public service.