So Now You're a Zombie: A Handbook for the Newly Undead (Humour)

by John Austin

  I. A zombie shall hunt, fight, and feed on the living.

  II. All zombies shall have equal title to fresh provisions, even if they do not take part in the capture or kill.

  III. A zombie shall engage in battle with any humans it encounters, whatever the odds. Those who do not are guilty of cowardice, which is punishable by decapitation.

  IV. A zombie on fire shall always run directly toward humans, avoiding all other undead.

  V. No zombie shall intentionally take a blow to protect another zombie; this show of emotion will lead to decapitation.

  VI. A zombie shall not sleep or rest under any circumstances.

  VII. A zombie that loses a limb during an engagement shall be given half a brain in compensation.

  VIII. No zombie shall speak or attempt to speak any coherent words. If a zombie does, its blue tongue will be removed.

  IX. All zombies shall have the right to engage in zed-on-zed violence.

  X. A zombie shall work toward the complete destruction of the living, helping to transform the living landscape into the kingdom of the undead.

  XI. A zombie shall never follow the laws of man, punishable by decapitation.

  After reviewing these articles, you must now swear to them by moaning a garbled affirmation to the following oath:

  I solemnly swear that I will uphold and defend the Zombie Code against all enemies, living and robotic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the zombie apocalypse; that I will perform all duties cursed upon me as a warrior of the undead. I take this obligation against my free will.

  Only after you have incoherently sworn to uphold your duties will the undead horde accept you. Your body is now the property of the zombie movement. As a member, your responsibilities will be modest but important. Should you want to be released from this obligation, you may do so through decapitation.

  FINAL WORD

  A MESSAGE FOR THE LIVING

  So, you living bastard, this zombie handbook has found its way into your juicy hands? Think you’ve uncovered the secrets of the walking undead? Think again! The pages of this book have been laced with the z-virus. You’re now enrolled, either through finger-to-nose or finger-to-mouth transference. At this very moment, the virus is incubating in your body. Symptoms will soon begin to show.

  There is no known cure. Welcome to the army of the undead. By reading and possessing this book, you have now received the information necessary to wipe out the rest of the human race. Thank you for joining us in one of the greatest conflicts in zed history!

  1 The living are constantly coming up with insulting names for us so scribble additional names you overhear for reference.