What I Never Knew

by CL Collier

  “I know,” Laura says, rolling her eyes. “I really do. It just sucks to be going through this right now.”

  “What’s the plan for Erik to move out this week, anyway?” Krista asks her.

  She lets out a breath, then answers, “Well, he found an apartment that’s not too far away from our house. It’s only about a half a mile away, so that’s good for Evan. Money is going to be tight now that I’m taking over the mortgage on the house and everything, but I’ll be okay.”

  “Does Evan know his dad is moving out?” I ask her.

  She shakes her head. “No, and that worries me a little bit. We didn’t want him stressing at camp, so we haven’t told him yet. The plan is for Erik to tell him when he picks him up on Friday. He’ll take him to his apartment and stay there through the weekend until I get back.”

  “Everything is going to be okay. Kids are resilient,” I tell her, thinking back to my own parents’ divorce when I was eight. It was definitely hard for me at first, but it didn’t take me long to figure out they were both happier apart than they were together.

  We continue to talk while we eat our lunch. Once we get back on the road, I get anxious. Kernville is so close, and I can’t wait to get there.

  Chapter Eight

  Amanda

  Five hours later, we’re following the directions from the navigation along a winding canyon road. I know we’re going the right way, but I feel like we’re in the middle of nowhere. We finally drive through a couple of small towns and see the welcome sign to Kernville. I sigh with relief, glad we finally made it here after our long journey. I’ve been looking forward to this moment ever since I read my mom’s journal.

  “Finally!” Laura exclaims from the back seat, reflecting my thoughts. This was a long drive.

  “This is a cute little town,” Krista comments as she looks out the window.

  “Yeah, it is,” I reply, noticing that it really has a hometown feel to it.

  “There’s the hotel,” Krista says as she points at the sign up ahead.

  I pull into the parking lot and notice a diner right next door, as well as many other restaurants and stores across the street. We see several people milling about, too. Most of them look like they’re here to do outdoor activities, which this town is known for. According to my Google search, rafting, kayaking, and rock climbing are just a few of the activities that draw people here. This might be a small town, but it seems to be a lively place.

  When I get out of the car, I stop and take a deep breath. The realization hits me that my mom grew up here. I can’t wait to explore the town and see all the places she frequented when she was young. My grandparents are buried in the cemetery, and I’m going to spread some of my mom’s ashes here, too. It feels so surreal to be standing in the town I’ve spent the past two weeks researching online. I’m finally here! I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.

  “Are you okay?” Laura asks me.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply, looking at my friend. “I’m just so glad to be here now.”

  When we check into the hotel, I find it’s not the most updated hotel room I’ve stayed in, but it’s nice enough. It’s clean, the beds seem comfortable, and there’s enough room for all our luggage, so that’s a plus.

  We agree on the same sleeping arrangements as last night. Laura and I in one bed, Krista in the other. It’s no secret that Krista tends to move around a lot in her sleep, sometimes even kicking her legs and flailing her arms around, so it’s better to let her sleep alone. She and Ben have a king-size bed at home, so she has enough room to move without bothering him too much. It’s really kind of funny. She’s been like that since she was a kid. At sleepovers growing up, we always made sure Krista had plenty of room around her. No one wanted to get in her way while she slept.

  By the time we settle in our room, we’re all hungry for dinner, so we decide to try the diner next door. A lot of customers seem to be inside, so it must be a good place to eat. Luckily, we don’t have to wait long for a table.

  Our food is delicious, and we enjoy the atmosphere in the diner. Everyone seems friendly. The three of us agree to come back for breakfast in the morning after we overhear some customers raving about the cinnamon rolls they serve in the mornings.

  “So ... after breakfast, what’s your plan for tomorrow?” Laura asks me on our walk back to the hotel.

  “Well …” I start to answer her, but then I let the word hang in the air. I honestly don’t know what my plan is yet. I thought everything would just all fall into place once I got here. “I don’t know. I need to figure that out.”

  My friends nod in understanding. “We’ll do whatever you want,” Krista says, placing a hand on my shoulder for support. I look over at her and smile to show my appreciation, and she smiles back.

  The cool night breeze is a relief from the heat outside. It was nearly a hundred degrees when we rolled into town, and although it has cooled down since then, it’s still much warmer than what we’re used to in the Pacific Northwest.

  Once back in our room, we change into our pajamas and turn on the TV. Krista finds a rerun of Friends, one of our favorite shows. I decide to start making my plan for what to do tomorrow, our first full day in Kernville. Once I think I have it figured out, I eagerly share my plan with my friends.

  “Okay, after we have breakfast, we’ll find the cemetery so I can spread my mom’s ashes. When we’re done there, I want to find the auto shop my mom’s ex-boyfriend’s family owns.”

  “What? Really?” Krista looks surprised. “You want to find her ex-boyfriend?”

  I nod my head. “Yeah, I do. If he still works there, he’ll be able to tell me more about my mom. The auto shop is really my only lead to find anyone she knew. I have no idea how to find her aunt and uncle or cousins. I couldn’t find any of them online, so I don’t even know if they still live here or not.”

  “That makes sense,” Krista says. “I hope he still works there so you can find out more.”

  “Me, too,” I reply. “If he doesn’t work there anymore, I don’t know what else to do. I guess asking locals around town if they know my aunt and uncle could work, but I’ll try this route first.”

  We watch TV for a while before going to bed, but I find it hard to sleep again. I’m so anxious for what tomorrow will bring. My hopes are high that I’ll find out more about my mom’s life as well as how to find her relatives. Tomorrow could be a life-changing day for me.

  Chapter Nine

  Amanda

  The cinnamon rolls at the diner are no joke. They are the best I’ve ever had! Laura, Krista, and I each order one along with coffee, and we are not disappointed. They are soft, gooey, and the icing practically melts in your mouth. I could eat breakfast here every morning.

  As our waitress clears our plates once we finish eating, she asks, “What are you girls up to today? Going river rafting?”

  River rafting seems to be the thing to do in Kernville. Apparently, the Kern River is a well-known destination for rafting, and several guide companies located here will take you for a ride. At least that is what my Google search told me.

  “No,” I answer her. “We’re going to visit the cemetery. Can you tell us how to get there?”

  She stops and looks at me, intrigued. “The cemetery? What are you going there for?” Our waitress is an older lady, probably in her fifties, with reddish-gray hair pulled up into a bun on top of her head. She’s been very friendly with us the whole time she’s been waiting on us, and I’m tempted to ask her if she knows Polly and Jim. If she does, she might be able to help me find my mom’s aunt and uncle; however, I’ve been too afraid to ask her. I’m slightly afraid of getting disappointing news, so I haven’t gotten the courage to ask anyone yet.

  “I have relatives who are buried there, and I want to visit,” I tell her. I leave out the part about spreading my mom’s ashes because I figure she doesn’t need to know all the details of our visit.

  “You have relatives here?” s
he asks, seeming genuinely interested. She even sets the stack of plates she took from us back on the table. “Who were your relatives?”

  Well, maybe this is my chance to find out more. “My grandparents were Fred and Mary Childers.”

  The waitress looks as if she’s trying to remember if she knows them. Part of me is upset that she didn’t immediately know. Finally, she says, “The name sounds familiar, but I don’t think I knew them. Were they your mom or your dad’s parents?”

  “My mom’s,” I reply. “My mom’s name was Lydia Childers, and she grew up here.”

  “Huh,” the waitress says, still looking like she’s trying to remember them. “What year did she graduate high school?”

  “1968.”

  She shakes her head. “Well, she was ten years older than I was. I wish I could remember who she was, but I’m drawing a blank. Sorry, hon.” She picks the plates back up. “But the cemetery is easy to find. It’s just south of here by the lake. Just take the main road out of town. Keep your eyes peeled for the sign telling you when to turn.” Then she walks away with our dirty dishes.

  “It’s a bummer she didn’t know who your mom or grandparents were,” Krista says.

  “When she comes back, you should ask her about your aunt and uncle,” Laura adds.

  “Should I?” I ask them. “Don’t you think she would have known my whole family if she knew any of them? It’s such a small town.”

  “Maybe not,” Laura replies with a shrug. “She said she was younger than your mom. Didn’t you say your mom’s cousins were younger? Maybe she went to school with one of them.”

  “That’s true,” I say as I consider Laura’s words. It does sound like a good possibility. I sit up a little straighter and hope that our waitress comes back soon. I suddenly really want to ask her.

  Krista checks her phone and sends a text, presumably to Ben. They’ve been texting back and forth like teenagers. It’s kind of cute how much they miss each other, but I can tell it’s having an effect on Laura. I still can’t believe she and Erik are getting a divorce. I feel sad for my friend.

  Our waitress returns a few minutes later with our bill. As she sets it down on the table, I ask her what I’m dying to know. “Do you know Polly and Jim Brown? Their kids were Lucy, Jimmy, and Lorraine.”

  She smiles at me and sticks her hands on her hips. “I went to school with Jimmy Brown! All the way from grade school to graduation! Are they relatives of yours, too?”

  I smile back at her. I’m so relieved she knows them! Maybe she can tell me where to find them now. “Yes, they are! They were my mom’s cousins. My mom lost contact with them when she moved away, though. Do you happen to know where I can get a hold of them?”

  She puts one hand up to her chin in thought. “Well, I’ll tell you what. I’m not one to give out other people’s personal information, but I’ll see if I can get in touch with any of them. If I do, I’ll let them know you’re looking for them. I know Jimmy moved out of Kernville, but I think his sisters are still here. His mom, too, as far as I know. I believe his dad passed away a few years ago.” She looks at me and must notice my surprise when she says that. She places her hand out on my shoulder. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Where are you staying while you’re in town?”

  “Just next door at the River Inn. Can I give you my phone number so you can call me if you find them? Or you can just give them my number. Either way, I’d be so grateful!”

  She smiles at me again. “That sounds like a great idea. Write your number down here.” She tears a piece off her small notepad and places it in front of me with a pen. I write my name and phone number on it and hand it back to her.

  “I really appreciate this,” I say to her. “My mom recently passed away, and I want to meet her relatives.”

  “I’ll keep in touch and let you know if I find them,” she replies. “Now, you ladies have a nice day and don’t be strangers. Come back here anytime!”

  We all say thanks to her as she walks away. I say a silent prayer, hoping she’s able to contact one of my relatives.

  After we pay our bill, we leave the diner and walk back over to the hotel parking lot to get my car. It’s time to take my mom to the cemetery.

  Chapter Ten

  Amanda

  When I pull my car into the parking lot at the cemetery, it suddenly dawns on me that I have no idea where my grandparents are buried. Luckily, the cemetery is not very big, so it shouldn’t take us very long to find their headstones.

  I park my car and shut it off, then pop the trunk. The three of us get out, and I walk around to the back to take my mom’s urn out of the trunk. Opening the box it’s in, I carefully lift her pewter urn out and clutch it in my arms against my chest. Here goes nothing.

  “Where do you want to start?” Krista asks me.

  I look across at the cemetery in front of us. Probably a couple of hundred headstones are scattered about, but my grandparents could be anywhere. “Let’s start looking here and work our way out that direction.” I point at where I’m talking about, and my friends nod in agreement.

  As we start walking, we look at the headstones to read the engraved names. We spread out from one another to cover more ground. It doesn’t take long before I hear Laura say, “I found them!”

  Krista and I turn in her direction and walk over to her. Sure enough, in front of Laura are two headstones simply marked with my grandparents’ names, birth dates, and date of death which is, of course, the same. I suddenly feel an overwhelming sadness. My mom didn’t talk a lot about my grandparents, but when she did, she only had the nicest stories to tell. I wish I could have met them, but this is the closest I’ll ever be.

  “Well, this is it,” I quietly say to my friends. I take the lid off my mom’s urn, then I hand it to Laura, who’s standing next to me. “How do I do this?” I ask them. I’ve never spread someone’s ashes before. I’ve never watched anyone do it, either.

  Krista shrugs her shoulders, looking at me with sympathy. “I have no idea.”

  “I think however you want to do it will work,” Laura replies.

  I look down at my mom’s ashes and contemplate how to spread them. Do I just pour her out carefully? Use my hand? Should I have brought a scoop with me? I decide that carefully pouring some ashes out would be the best way to go.

  I look back up at my friends. “Should I say a few words first?”

  “If you want to,” Laura replies.

  “I think that would be nice,” says Krista.

  I take a deep breath and look back at my grandparents’ headstones. Then I kneel on the hard ground, the grass tickling my shins. I sit on my knees, placing the urn on the ground in front of me. It takes me a minute to formulate what I want to say, but then it comes to me.

  “Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. I’m your granddaughter, Amanda White. I’m so honored to finally be here after all these years. My mom always had the nicest things to say about you two. I would have loved to meet you, but I guess that just wasn’t in the cards.”

  I pause, not sure what to say next. I remember feeling sad as a little kid when I found out I wouldn’t be able to meet my mom’s parents. One distinct time stands out in my memory when I asked my mom to tell me about them, and she told me the most wonderful stories. They had fallen in love with each other in middle school, believe it or not. They had both grown up in Kernville, and shortly after they graduated high school, they got married. They ended up moving to Bakersfield to go to college. There, they both studied education and earned their teaching degrees. After they had graduated, they moved back to Kernville, where they both got jobs as teachers. My grandma worked until my mom was born, then she became a stay-at-home mom. I wish I could have met them.

  It feels surreal to finally be at their final resting place with my mom’s remains. It’s hard, but I am ready to leave a piece of her with her loving parents.

  A tear breaks free from my eye, and I feel a hand on my right shoulder. The friendly gesture comforts me. I look
up to see it’s Krista. I smile at her, and she returns a sympathetic smile. Then I turn my attention back to the headstones.

  “I have some sad news to share with you. Your daughter just passed away.” I chuckle and shake my head. “Of course, you should know this already. I’m sure the three of you are having a great time getting reacquainted up in heaven.”

  I pick up the urn and tilt it carefully so I don’t dump all my mom out at once. I shake it gently and let some of the ashes fall onto the ground, right in front of her mom and dad’s headstones. “She wanted me to spread some of her ashes here with you guys. She missed you so much. She went through so much after you were gone, but she had a wonderful life.”

  After letting some of her ashes fall, I turn the urn upright and put it back on the ground in front of me. Laura hands the lid back to me, and I put it in place. I don’t know what else to say, but I feel like I should say a few words about my mom. Or to my mom.

  “Mom, I miss you. I miss talking to you every day. I miss our walks together and discussing our favorite TV shows. I’ll miss getting your advice on how to handle a tough student at school or how to teach a lesson. Or just about life in general. You were the best mom I could’ve asked for. I’m still trying to adjust to you not being here. I love the journal you wrote me, and I’m so grateful you decided to share your life with me. I’m happy to be here in Kernville right now. I’m so excited I have a lead on how to contact your cousins. I’m anxious to meet some of your relatives since I obviously never have before.”

  A breeze on my back blows my hair as well as some of her ashes on the ground. They blow away from me and stick to her parents’ headstones. I feel like it’s perfect. Maybe the breeze was really her. At least, I’d like to think so.

  “Well, Mom,” I start again, then pause to wipe a tear from my eye. My emotions are getting the best of me, and I’m at a loss for words. Finally, I know what to say, although they come out as a whisper. “I miss you. I love you. Rest in peace with your mom and dad.”