The Uninvited

by mike Evans

  Jack got up on tippy toes and when he did used the back of his hand for his payback to slap his friend, in the groin just as he was pulling down the oversized cooler, which just barely fit, into his sport utility. Jack instantly dropped his hands to his groin trying to stand in a way which didn’t want to make him be sick, and in doing so dropped the cooler, which came down colliding with his head and sending him down to the ground. Isaac burst out in laughter. He said, “You know I’m only laughing because I love you, brother.”

  Jack’s face was turning red. “You know I kind of think that you would laugh regardless of whether or not you knew someone who just had that happen to them.”

  Isaac gave him a hand up, making sure to protect his mid-section and below. The two had everything they needed and within a few minutes were carrying everything back out to the street and began loading up the back of the sport utility.

  *****

  Traci and Katy went back up the three flights of stairs. Traci unlocked the door and when they got into the privacy of the apartment, Katy shut the door behind her and screamed at the top of her lungs sending a bolt of adrenaline through Traci. She rushed Traci, squeezing her as tight as she ever had, and yelled, “You are going to get fucking married. Oh my god! This is the best thing that has happened in a very, very long time. I swear it feels like yesterday that Jack asked me and I called and gave you the news. I can’t believe Isaac finally pulled the trigger and asked you. This is so great.”

  “We’ve barely been dating for two years. Jesus I know people who date for almost a decade and haven’t been asked.”

  “Those people are never ever going to be asked, sweetheart. But really, who gives a shit about them? I can’t believe this, I mean it. Is he excited too?”

  “Well, I think that you might be more excited than the two of us put together, but that is only because….you are weird.”

  Katy walked to the kitchen, then went through cupboards knowing that it was somewhere. When she was on the verge of giving up, she opened the freezer and saw a frosty clear bottle of vodka sitting in there. “Now, I know that it is almost nine in the morning, but if we were having mimosas it’d be no less frowned upon.” She grabbed two shot glasses and filled them to the brim. “Here is to my favorite girl ever. I love you so much, and I can’t wait for your wedding. I’m sure Jack will be excited as well…..or at least about the party.”

  “You mean the open bar is what he will be excited about, and maybe the food.”

  “The only men excited about a wedding are dating men and the girlfriends who are imagining themselves in that dress and can’t get that thought out of their heads when they get home.”

  “Yeah I’ve been there a time or two myself. I have a feeling that with the lingerie I’ll pick up for our honeymoon and wedding night that Isaac will have plenty of things to be excited about as well.”

  “You got your engagement ring, now you need to glue yourself to his side. Those bitches stare at a married man thinking that shit is a challenge, like maybe I should steal this one because I already know that he believes in commitment, and if I can wrap my skinny slutty legs around him he’ll be mine forever and would never ever cheat on me.”

  Traci patted her shoulder, sniffing the odorless frozen vodka. They did a quick clink of glasses, and then slammed them back. Traci licked at her lips. “You, uh, think about that much there sweetheart?”

  “I hate just about every single girl, even the teenagers. They don’t even know what they are doing, but they are the worst.”

  Traci poured off two more, and said, “Only because I think you need it. Remember, we get groceries and it's the four of us out there for the weekend. Peace and tranquility and our men all to ourselves with no schedule.”

  Chapter 5

  Friday

  Traci was halfway done with a quick overnight bag with enough clothes for the four of them. A blaring horn came across the complex holding hard on it. She thought that it was Isaac letting her know they were ready and that she was taking too long. She was thinking, sure, because it’s a good thing to rush off into an overnight stay without making sure that you have everything you need.

  She walked to the window and looked down at Isaac and Jack, who was trying to sneak in a quick smoke before his wife came down. Neither of the two were near the horn on the sport utility. They were both looking quite confused at the Mustang that had just pulled up. Traci could hear her dad saying how only an idiot, with too much money would take a perfectly good looking car and turned it into a piece of shit with all the add ons. This would go into a five minute spiel about when he was younger and his older brother Ricky, who they had lost in the war, had a Mustang and back then they didn’t add shit to the cars, no way. They stripped them down almost bare, making them look as close to racing stock cars as they could.

  She craned her neck further, mouthing oh fuck when she saw who was in the car. All she could see was dark hair but by how she was dressed, she could only assume who it was. Brandi let off the horn, rolling down the window. Isaac said, “Uh, can I help you with something?”

  Brandi got out with a small family of beer bottles falling from the passenger side and clinking on the street. She saw Isaac and a new smile found her face as she stumbled forward, letting him catch her. She said, “Oh my, aren’t we a sweet piece of something. You can help me, I am looking for my best friend on the earth. Wait, no, on the planet!”

  Jack exhaled a chain of smoke, ditching the butt in the storm drain. “Same thing, honey.”

  Brandi held up a finger hushing him. “Look, I am looking for my friend, Traci. I work with her, and I wanted to show her this boy that I found last night. I don’t think she understands how good being single is. There is something wrong with her sometimes I think. She has an ass that could get all the boys. Oh, if she could go out with me, we’d never pay for drinks again.”

  Isaac knew immediately who this was and cringed. , “You aren’t looking for Traci Miller are you? I mean it’s another Traci that you are out looking for?”

  “How many fucking hot ass women named Traci live here? Yes, I am looking for Traci Miller. What is this fifty shades of fucking questions?” That brought on a barrage of laughter from herself and only from her. “What, you two don’t have a sense of humor? Oh my god, oh my god, are you guys gay? Were you getting ready to go down to like the farmer’s market to get fresh bread and flowers?”

  Jack shook his head dramatically letting the loose hair frame his face. He walked up and put an arm around Isaac. Isaac rolled his eyes shaking his head wishing he’d have not answered his phone, and blaming no one but himself for it…..and Jack, always Jack. “No, no we aren’t together, not like that, anyway I mean. My girlfriend is Traci Miller, and she’s upstairs packing right now for a little road trip.”

  Brandi said, “Oh my god, you are Isaac. Ohhhhh she loves you. She talks about you all the time, always saying how it’s bad to be out being a whore.”

  Jack, long married, said, “Wait, she calls you a whore?”

  “No. She says something stupid like I shouldn't be so promiscuous or something like that. Makes her sound all smart and shit, but you know who’s never hurting for pleasure?”

  Jack smiled knowing a force of hate was quickly sending a message to his wife Katy upstairs. From experience, Jack knew she would be down here any second. He was aware how she felt about women, especially types like her and thought they were going to get along famously.

  Jack said, “So why did you stop again? We are getting ready to head out any minute, believe it or not.”

  Brandi looked in the back of the sport utility. “You guys going out on a little trip are you?”

  Isaac said, “Yeah we thought we’d go on a couple's camping trip for a day and what not.”

  “How many seats does this thing have? How many people can that tent hold?”

  Isaac said, “Eight in the tent, six in the sport utility. Why?”

  Brandi smiled, turning around and pounding
on the hood of the Mustang to signal the guy to get out. He was out of the car in seconds looking at the hood. He said, “Christ, what the fuck is your problem? Those rings cause scratches.”

  “Well, then maybe you shouldn’t have been sitting in the fucking car in the first place. Who doesn’t open a woman’s car door, Travis!”

  “Tony.”

  “What!”

  “My name is Tony, not Travis; you must have me confused with someone else.”

  Brandi back peddled, not wanting to spend the weekend to hell in a handbag. She put on the puppy eyes and lips walking forward on her high heels making sure she could put as much shake in her step as possible without falling over. She gripped him in a tight hug rubbing herself against his front hard. “Oh baby, don’t be like that, you know I know your name.”

  Her hands disappeared for a moment in the front of his pants. By the look on the man’s face, Isaac and Jack could tell that he did not give a shit if she called him Luther for the rest of the weekend if it meant that she’d continue doing that. He leaned in to kiss her back and said, “Oh, I’m just giving you a hard time baby, you know that. Don’t get mad, Brandi.”

  She kissed his nose, patted his chest, and said, “Good. Now I want you to meet Isaac and John.”

  “Jack, my names Jack. Sorry, there’s nothing you are allowed to do with your hands for me to deal with you calling me John.”

  Tony held out his hand saying, “What's up guys? You going on a trip or something?”

  Isaac nodded wearily, hoping this wasn’t going to go to shit on them. “Yeah, you know, just kind of a spur of the moment thing. We are leaving just as soon as the ladies come downstairs.”

  Brandi said, “Oh that is just great, we’d love to go. Honey go get our overnight bags out of the car would you.”

  Jack said, “You already are packed, did Traci call you and invite you?”

  “No need to silly boy, you guys just invited us. Oh this is going to be fun, nice day like today I’d love to get some color on this skin. I can’t tell you how long it has been since I’ve been camping.”

  Isaac just stared at Jack, unsure what to say. They watched in horror as Tony walked to the back of his trunk and pulled out two bags that they could only assume were used for hook up nights. Isaac said, “Sorry if you misunderstood me but-"

  Traci yelled from the doorway trying to hold a mess of items and keeping a foot up to hold the door for Katy. “Brandi, what the hell are you doing up so early on a Saturday? What are you doing here?”

  Brandi said, “Who’s up early? I haven’t made it to bed yet. I tell you, he might not look like much but Tony….I mean Tony here can fuck like a damn jackrabbit. I might be in love.”

  Brandi was ignorant to the fact that she was screaming across the courtyard to the apartments and more than one window slammed shut after the small introduction of who Tony was.

  Traci said, “Right, and that is great, nothing like a good all night fucking, but that doesn’t actually answer what you are doing here. Do you need something? It isn’t work is it? I have a three day awesome weekend that is even better now since I am going to get the opportunity to spend the weekend with my best friend and my fiancé in the great wild wilderness.”

  Brandi said, “And don’t forget about your best work friend, Traci. While you two were upstairs your boyfriend here invited us to come with.”

  Traci nodded slowly, looking at Tony still dressed in party gear from the previous night. “By us you mean your new acquaintance over there?”

  “Oh we’ve been fuck buddies for at least a month now. It’s not easy finding someone that doesn’t want a relationship but that can really nail you to the bed, if you know what I mean.”

  Kate stepped in holding a hand out. “Hi, I’m Katy. It’s too bad there isn’t enough room for you to go. You see that tent just isn’t big enough for three couples, besides I’m sure you and your jack rabbit over there are going to have better things to do than go on a camping trip right?”

  Brandi could sense the hostility and said, “Well, Jack and Isaac practically begged us to come. We already have our stuff in the back of your truck. We really just need some beer and food for the weekend and we are kind of set to go. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get to know all of you better. You just seem so damn sweet.”

  Katy through clenched teeth said, “Oh watch out or I’ll give you a fucking cavity.”

  Traci walked over putting the rest of the items in the sport utility leaning in close whispering, “What the hell were you thinking, baby? I can’t believe you invited them. You don’t really like strangers all that much, are you feeling right?”

  “I was feeling just fine until your psycho friend showed up and invited herself along. You know I wanted you all to myself. Hell, I would get rid of Jack if I could.”

  Brandi leaned in and said, “How about instead of whispering we get this show on the road. So where are we going anyway?”

  Isaac said regrettably, “We are headed to the state park, shouldn’t be more than four hours from here. It’s way out in the middle of nowhere. Just a farmhouse here and there between.”

  “Well, sounds like we aren’t only going to need beer, there’s a strong chance that strong alcohol is going to be a necessity. I think we are gonna cat nap on the way there if you don’t mind?”

  Isaac, Katy, and Traci simultaneously answered ‘no’ all at one time. Brandi said, “Well, doesn’t that just make me feel all warm and fuzzy.” She checked her pockets, which didn’t exist, and looked to Tony. “Tony, honey, do you think that you could.”

  He didn’t say anything, he already knew he’d save time and be able to catch the sleep that he’d been thinking about. Tony looked through his bills handing Isaac a small handful of twenties. Isaac looked and said, “We can get you some change, shit this will pay for the entire weekend.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I had a pretty tame week, there’s plenty more where that came from.”

  They climbed into the SUV and before they made it a mile Brandi and Tony were curled into the backseat snoring lightly. Within a half hour they were on the open road and had a truck full of supplies to get them through the next few days.

  Katy leaned up in between the front seats and said, “So, they are fun aren’t they? What the hell are we going to do with the two of them?”

  “They are harmless. I work with her, I can’t say I know much of anything about him though. She always just made it sound like she’s all about being single.”

  “How did she miss the rock on your hand?”

  “Brandi, really, and I mean really, doesn’t give a shit about that kind of thing. Like it doesn’t matter to her if you are married or not. She probably looks more down upon people if they are than not. Monogamous isn’t really like her favorite word.”

  “Soooo she’s pretty much a slut?”

  “She has a good heart? I don’t know, yes, she does not have a lot of down nights. I’m not sticking up for her, it’s just how she is. You can ask her yourself and she’ll give you a graphic description above all else but at least she isn’t fake. I’m sure she’ll be a hell of a girl to party with, just watch your husband. You shouldn’t have too many troubles with lover boy back there.”

  Isaac looked in the rearview and whispered, “If he drools on my fucking seats he’s dead, I’m just saying. Actually for that matter, neither of them better get any bodily fluids in my truck of any type.”

  Jack, already bored of the drive, said, “Dad, are we almost there yet? I’m bored. I want a snack. I have to go pee.”

  Katy went back to him, wrapping her arms around him. “Oh honey are we not letting you in on the conversation? We were just saying that she’s going to be a lot of fun to party with. You just make sure that if she starts doing a strip tease dance under extreme intoxication that you remember if you look I’m going to probably let you know what feeling like a virgin feels like all over again.”

  Jack looked at her blankl
y and said, “You realize that it isn’t my fault right? I mean there could be a five hundred pound woman doing a jiggle dance and we’d still feel compelled to look. It’s a gene running through our body. It isn’t my fault. Isaac you know what I mean don’t you?”

  “Don’t bring me into this. If she gets wild I’m taking a walk with my fiancé here and that is all there is to it. You do what you need to. Good luck with that jiggle show, sounds like you will be a one hand man for a while if you piss the old lady off.”

  Katy slapped Isaac’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, who are you calling old lady?”

  Isaac said, “Well, I can remember more than one night someone being the one telling us at three in the morning that we should head to the strip club so that we can keep drinking.”

  “Well, that’s just art, and besides that was before we got married, and about fifteen pounds ago when I looked as good as them.”

  Jack tilted her face to him and gave her a long kiss, running his hands down to her rear end. “Oh Katy, I love the pounds that you put on. There isn’t anything wrong with there being just a little extra behind you. I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave.”

  Katy unclicked her belt climbing over and straddling him and the two of them shared a few kisses. They only broke when Tony started ripping farts in his sleep, coincidentally interrupting Brandi’s sleep as she had her head in his lap. She pushed up, sniffing, and Katy, who was the only one with a good view, started laughing uncontrollably. Brandi found a new position out of the danger zone and went back to sleep. Jack said, “Well, aren’t we just mature.”

  Katy said, “Oh god it hurts just a little. That is great! I mean he smells like ass and it’s kind of burning my nose but it was momentarily funny.”

  Isaac let the windows down a few inches. “Let’s get some of that funny out of the car, holy shit.”

  Jack said, “Oh you remember those all night benders buddy, nobody's body can handle that shit. Just remember his liver is used to this, those two are probably going to be able to drink the four of us under the table.”