What If You Are a Horse in Human Form

by Jason the Horse

  When one gets a feeling (pain, tightness, etc.) during a body scan, one “breathes into” the affected area and asks the body for just one piece of information about it (a thought, impression, emotion, or image). When I performed the two body scans, I felt tightness in my throat while facing in both directions. When I “breathed into” that area and asked for the message behind the sensation of tightness, the words “pre-conceived thoughts of self-doubt” popped into my mind. I also felt an “expansive” sensation in my gut during both body scans, and this was just due to my excited anticipation of working with Trixie.

  After I stepped into the round pen, Trixie walked up and sniffed me. She then pushed her head against my shoulder several times, each time more forcefully than before. She was testing me to see if I would establish boundaries with her, which I did (I pushed her head back). She walked away and then she came back, sniffed me, and blew air out of her nose at me. She repeated this several times.

  At one point Trixie gently pressed her muzzle against my groin, but only once. I got the impression that she was testing me to see if my motives were non-sexual (they were, as I did not become aroused as I might have otherwise). She pushed her head against my shoulder again, this time to scratch her forehead. I established boundaries again; I pushed her head away and then scratched her forehead with my fingers. She bowed to me, showing me respect as the leader of our herd of two.

  I then got an impression that Trixie wanted me to reassure her about something, by pressing against her. I was feeling tension at that time, not from fear but due to doubt (“Who am I to think this is real?”). I stood next to her and pressed against her neck and left shoulder, facing to her rear. She put her head over my left shoulder and licked her lips, which signified the release of an emotion from me. (Equine-Facilitated Psychotherapy and Equine Experiential Learning practitioners have discovered that when a horse sighs or licks his or her lips during such moments in sessions, this signifies that another horse or a human has recognized and released an emotion in himself or herself.) Just before she did this, I had gotten an impression that Trixie recognized me as a fellow horse.

  Immediately afterward, Jessica and I talked about this incident and other things for several minutes. While we were conversing, the feeling of tension returned. Trixie walked away from me, to the other side of the round pen, and began grazing. I spoke of my desire to return to equine form and my concerns about if I could make it happen.

  As I stood there, a flood of thoughts suddenly came into my mind: “No fear about not being able to go back to equine form one day…the Creator does not play cruel jokes…I can better help humans and other horses as a horse after having had this human experience…no desires exist without fulfillment existing for them…many other horses in human form like me want to go back to equine form, and we cannot all be desiring this in vain or it would be a cruel joke…choosing equine form is not rejecting human form— equine form is best for me.” After these thoughts came to me in rapid succession, the tension lifted. Trixie suddenly raised her head, walked up behind me, put her head on my shoulder, and licked her lips.

  The next day, Jessica instructed me to perform another exercise. I walked around the pastures alone and “read” each horse after doing a body scan, then jotted down my impressions of each horse in a notebook. Afterward, as I named each horse, Jessica described his or her personality and traits. When I checked my recorded impressions, they all closely matched her descriptions.

  Based on my impressions, I chose to work in the round pen with a dark brown Quarter Horse mare named Bella, who was the alpha female (the lead mare) of the herd. She was initially in a bad mood when Jessica collected her from the pasture. She kept backing up and raising her head to avoid the halter, wearing a defiant expression on her face. Once Bella and I were in the round pen, I decided to let her lead me (to show respect for her lead mare status). I ran around the pen perimeter as a horse would. Bella had been ignoring me up to that point, but my running circles around her got her attention.

  Jessica walked into the round pen and I walked out so that she could demonstrate leading a horse without a rope, by connecting with Bella’s energy field. (This is most likely the cardiac [heart] magnetic field, which is detectable several feet away in the case of a human. The magnetic field of a horse’s much larger heart is considerably more intense.) Jessica had never done this with Bella before, but after a few minutes she had Bella following her around the pen and changing directions with her. I stepped back into the pen and Jessica walked out, and soon I had Bella following me around the pen as well. At first she bared her teeth and tried to press against me while she was following me, but I blocked her advances with my arm. Before long, she kept a respectful distance from me.

  I eventually got to a point where I could feel Bella’s field, as Jessica could. It seemed to have lobes and nulls (areas of greater and lesser intensity in certain fixed directions from Bella’s body), like an electro-magnet’s field or an antenna’s signal strength pattern. Jessica noted the electronic and antenna terminology I was using to describe it, and she suggested that part of my purpose for the Horse Ancestors may be to put this phenomenon into technical language that human scientists and engineers would understand (and not be “put off by”). The term “energy field” sounds “New Age” and begs the question: “What kind of energy?” Describing it as a magnetic field (even by conjecture) makes the whole subject more amenable to scientific inquiry. It would also be easy to test this hypothesis using a magnetometer, and Jessica mentioned looking into arranging such an experiment with the University of Alaska Anchorage’s Electrical Engineering Department.

  As we talked, a feeling of tension came over me. Bella walked away from me and began grazing on the other side of the round pen. I repeated my insight from the previous day that the Creator does not play cruel jokes, and a further thought came to me that the Creator would not give beings desires that cannot be fulfilled (returning to equine form, in my case). Then I suddenly remembered a sentence from Don Blazer’s book Nine Secrets of Perfect Horsemanship: “Only when you accept what is, can you create what will be.” As soon as I spoke these words to Jessica, Bella suddenly raised her head, walked behind me, licked her lips, and pressed her head against me. Simultaneously my tension evaporated. I turned around, and then Bella bowed before me as a sign of respect.

  The next day was a Sunday, and we had no session. On Monday I worked in the round pen with Paint, a sensitive Pinto gelding. I was easily able to get him to follow me around the pen, and I could strongly feel his field. Afterward I approached him again and he began to groom my arm with his teeth, and I groomed his face with my fingers. As I did so, I pictured myself in my Shire draft horse form, looking down my long face at him and grooming his face with my equine teeth. Paint’s eyes suddenly widened and he pulled his head back. After looking confused for a few seconds, he went back to grooming me and then affectionately pressed his head against mine. He calmed down almost to the point of falling asleep. When I stepped out of the round pen at the end of the session, he didn’t want me to leave and became rather upset.

  The next day I went into the round pen with Maverick, a very sensitive dark palomino Morgan gelding. As he looked at me with a hard gaze from inside the pen before I entered, I suddenly blurted out a thought that he was projecting to me: “I am going to test you.” He not only followed me around the pen, but I was also able to stand in the center and get him to run around the perimeter in my chosen direction and at my desired speed. I found it easier to direct my intention by holding a lunge whip (not cracking it or even waving it, just holding it as one would hold a classroom pointer), but I was also able to direct him using only my arm.

  Maverick tested me when I tried to pick up one of his front hooves. He held out his front leg and held it stiff, to try to prevent me from bending his knee. I finally managed to pick up all of his hooves without any fear of being kicked.

  After this we groomed each other, as Paint and I had done the
previous day. This was remarkable, considering that Maverick was an un-personable horse who eschewed human contact. (To get him into the round pen, Jessica had had to lure him into the fenced-in corner of his pasture with food so that she could put a halter on him!) I pictured myself grooming him in my Shire draft horse form, and he reacted as Paint had. Then he stood close to me, pressed his head against my shoulder, and closed his eyes.

  I closed my eyes as we groomed each other, and I found myself slipping into an altered state of consciousness in which I could have left my body and taken on (spirit) equine form. Just then Jessica’s husband Ed drove up on a tractor, and the noise broke the change. This was actually a good thing, because Jessica told me later that leaving one’s body while with a horse can be dangerous. If the horse spooks, one’s physical body can be injured due to the temporary lack of control over it. Maverick stood quietly, eyes closed, as all three of us stroked and groomed him. Ed was amazed at Maverick’s change of behavior.

  I had Wednesday off, and during that day I had an intense emotional experience regarding a question that I felt compelled to ask a friend of mine. Before my trip to Palmer, I had communicated with the Horse Ancestors on a few occasions (by their initiation as well as mine). One night I managed to make a brief contact with them, and I saw them (a moving black-and-white image of several horses standing in a misty thicket, looking back at me).

  During this contact I had thought about my night manager at work, a kind and grandmotherly German immigrant lady named Heidi. She has several health problems and lives in near-poverty, and at that time she had much sadness in her life. The Horse Ancestors became aware of her through my thoughts, and soon afterward they asked me to relay a most unusual invitation to her. They said (in non-verbal thoughts): “Tell her that when her current life is over, she is welcome to join us—to become one of us.” In other words, they invited her to become a horse!

  I relayed their invitation to her (she already knew that I am a horse in human form), and she was intrigued by their offer. The day after that (a Wednesday) was one of my days off from work, and the Horse Ancestors literally “broke in” on my thoughts that afternoon. I had awakened at around 1:00 PM and was lying on my back in bed, thinking about my “to do” list for the day (“Let’s see, I need to go to the Post Office, then the credit union, then the grocery store, and…”). Suddenly, I was standing in a dark void that was as pitchblack as a mine shaft. There was a large rectangular portal in the void just ahead of me, through which I saw a black-and-white image of a large, grassy field.

  There was a line of trees around a quarter of a mile away, and there was a single oak tree about sixty feet away from me. Six or eight horses were near and under the tree. Some were grazing, some were slowly walking past the tree, and two of them were standing in front of the tree. These two were a coal-black cart horse (an oldstyle, all-black Shire with heavily feathered legs) and a light-colored draft horse who looked like a Percheron. They slowly turned their heads to face me, and when our eyes met I “heard” thoughts of approval from them. Their thoughts would be translated into English as: “We know what you did (relaying the invitation to Heidi), and we thank you.” Just as suddenly as I first found myself in the black void, I was back on my bed. The whole encounter lasted perhaps five or six seconds. It was not the least bit frightening (although the sudden change of scenery certainly grabbed my attention!), and in fact it was a relaxed and pleasant experience.

  Heidi eventually declined their offer, saying: “I love horses and I grew up on a farm with horses, but I would prefer to remain human.” Soon after this, however, the Horse Ancestors gave me another insight about her.

  The Horse Ancestors invited Heidi to become a horse because she already has a horse-like soul. (She has always struck me as being like a Suffolk draft mare. Of all draft breeds, they seem to have the most serious work ethic.) In the military and in business, it is said that a good follower makes a good leader (“Before you can give orders, you have to be able to obey orders”). Likewise, a good lead mare would make a good horse owner if the lead mare took on human form. Since Heidi already has the qualities of a good lead mare, she would be an ideal owner for me when I return to equine form.

  The thought of asking Heidi to be my owner in the future brought tears to my eyes, not out of sadness (or even joy, although I do feel that at the prospect), but because I had touched something deep and authentic. On Thursday, the day of my final Equine Experiential Learning session in Palmer, I wrote out to Jessica the question that I wanted to ask Heidi because I knew that I would become emotional again if I tried to describe it verbally. After reading it, Jessica said that I should ask Heidi the question.

  After I returned home from Palmer, I wrote a five-page letter to Heidi explaining why I wanted to ask her the question. She said YES! The Horse Ancestors were right—she and I are meant to be together as horse and owner in the future. She told me that she had always wanted to have a horse and that she would be very happy to have me as her horse one day. We had a long heart-to-heart talk about this and about spiritual matters in general. The things that I had learned (and had confirmed) during the Equine Experiential Learning sessions put things in a fresh light for Heidi.

  During the last session I met Jessica’s herd in the pasture, and they surrounded me. They nipped and pushed against me, and I insisted that they respect my boundaries by blocking their advances with my hands. (Bella and Paint had nipped me during our previous one-on-one sessions while they were following me around in the round pen, and I had blocked them then as well. Paint and Maverick had also backed into me to have their rumps scratched and I had pushed them away, insisting that they stand parallel to me before I would scratch their rumps.)

  George and Joe, Trixie’s twin yearling colts, grabbed my coat sleeves in their teeth. I pushed them away and glared at them, and they both made suckling gestures, which is what foals do when they fear punishment from an adult horse. (It translates as: “I’m little. Please don’t hurt me!”) They thought I was about to dispense some herd discipline, and they were right! After a few minutes, the horses all realized that I insisted on being treated as a high-ranking herd member, and then they treated me with respect. They accepted me as a herd member, and I felt a profound sense of belonging with them.

  SHAMANIC ASSISTANCE

  The following month, at Jessica Paul’s suggestion I called Debra Chesnut, a shamanic practitioner in my area. Debra told me that she could perform a shamanic journey (literally, a journey into the spirit world) on my behalf to acquire information that could help me in my work.

  She told me that I need not be present for this initial shamanic journey. Also, she said that the less I told her about what I needed, the better (so that details would not “color” her perceptions during the shamanic journey). I simply told her that: “I need your help so that I can more effectively carry out a long-term spiritual task that I volunteered to do.”

  After Debra conducted the shamanic journey, I talked with her again soon afterward. She had discovered five things about me during the journey:

  [1] I have lived previous lives here, but for some reason the world appears new to me now.

  [2] I have a spirit guide with whom I must connect, and who wants to connect with me.

  [3] I am (in Debra’s words) very “wide-eyed,” and I see everything from a broad perspective.

  [4] I am missing several pieces of my soul that must be recovered and re-integrated via a shamanic “soul retrieval” ceremony. Debra said that these lost pieces need to mature. She also told me that while nearly everyone is missing one or two pieces, it is unusual that I am missing so many pieces.

  [5] I have something in my past that I need to work on before I can move on. Debra said that she would deal with it carefully because it might be unpleasant.

  When I revealed to her that I am a horse in human form, these five things all “clicked” for her as they had for me. Being a horse who has always perceived the world through equine senses
and who then came here in human form, the world would look new through these un-equine senses. My spirit guide is Lucy, the wise Arabian cross mare I had ridden when I was a teenager. I am “wideeyed” because that is how we horses (being prey animals) perceive the world, both physically with our eyes and with our other senses, since we pay attention to our surroundings rather than to singular goals or tasks as humans do.

  Debra also agreed that being missing so many pieces of my soul might be expected for a horse who took on human form. I told her that there are aspects and traits that a horse soul might need to temporarily “lose” (set aside) to function effectively in a human body. By human standards, they might well be immature. Lastly, she said that she wanted to perform a shamanic ceremony with me present.

  On the morning of July 7th, 2004 I went to see Debra Chesnut for the ceremony we had arranged. Before I arrived, she had performed a second shamanic journey on my behalf. She saw a vision of me (in human form) holding a ball, which represented my focus to do my work for the Horse Ancestors. In the vision, I dropped the ball and it rolled away. As she explained to me, this loss of focus turned out to be what had appeared to be missing pieces of my soul during her first shamanic journey. (We horses have feeble powers of focus compared to those of humans, so it is not surprising that she saw it as missing soul pieces.)

  She also found out that I have always been a horse before this life, and being in human form for the first time makes everything in the world look new to me. This, combined with all of the things one must learn and do in order to live in human society, had distracted me and caused me to lose my focus. She also reiterated that I needed to connect with my spirit guide to regain this focus.

  While kneeling on the floor in the ceremonial room in her house (a large living room with shamanic symbols on the walls), Debra lit a smudge pot and briefly described the ceremony she would perform with me. She wanted me to relax in a comfortable chair with my eyes closed, then silently (in my mind) call my spirit guide to me and ask the guide to restore my focus. While I did this she would chant, shake her shamanic rattle, and use her ritual drum to enter a trance state (the shamanic state of consciousness, which enables shamanic practitioners to perceive and enter the spirit world).