SOLACE: Behind The Shield (Beauty 0f Life Book 2)

by Laura Acton

  Jon pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from the vehicles as he declared, “He isn’t ready to be back.”

  In a conciliatory voice, Nick stated what Jon already knew. “Dan passed all the requals with flying colors.”

  “I don’t give a damn about those. You have eyes. He is in no shape to return. Dan is becoming one of the walking dead again,” Jon snapped.

  Nick paused and nodded. “Yes, he gives the impression of lacking sleep, but he does his job well as far as I can tell. Do you have any concrete evidence he failed to meet our standards on a call?”

  Jon ground out, “He doesn’t have any self-preservation. If we let him, he’ll work himself to an early grave. Dan resembles a damned raccoon, and he is pushing himself too hard too fast. He is going to crash and burn if we are not careful. I don’t want that on my hands … do you?”

  “So, you think yelling at him and threatening to kick him off the team is going to resolve the issue?” Nick’s expression showed his displeasure.

  Dropping his arm, Jon let the heat ebb out of his body. “Dan still pushes my buttons. He is so different from the rest of the team. If it had been any other team member who smashed into the china shop, we would only just now be returning from medical leave and still be on light duty.”

  Nick cocked his head, noting the error in Jon’s remark. “Not quite. You would’ve been back in the same timeframe as Dan. Perhaps it is hard to witness your actions mirrored in Dan’s.”

  Jon glared at Nick, not willing to concede the point. “He needs more rest.”

  “That may be so, but you need to handle this better. Dan is beginning to show signs of accepting our overtures and believe we want him on the team and care about him. Don’t blow it now,” Nick cautioned.

  Bram finished putting his tools away and spotted Dan sitting in the backseat. He appreciated why Dan became annoyed with Jon. Bram was upset with him too. With a few callous words, Jon tore apart all the efforts they made to ensure Dan understood he belonged on their team.

  He strode over to Jon and Nick switching off his comms as he went. Bram allowed anger to enter his voice. “Jon, you gotta cool it with Dan.”

  “Bram, don’t start. Not now,” Jon bit back in reaction.

  “If not now, when? What you said to Dan was unjustified and totally wrong,” Bram growled, attempting to keep a lid on his anger in public.

  Nick put a hand up. “Bram.”

  Bram rounded on Nick. “Jon’s backsliding. We all worked so hard. His thoughtless and heartless words might ruin all our progress.”

  Jon turned on Bram. “I’m trying to protect him. Open your eyes. Dan is worn out. He needs to take it easy. Hell, he looks almost worse than he did when we were blind and didn’t want him on this team.”

  Bram gazed back towards Dan. He hated to admit, but the smoky-gray rings under Dan’s eyes were in full force again. They witnessed them often in his first months, and although they didn’t impede Dan’s performance, Jon’s viewpoint brought forth a realization. Physical evidence of sleep deprivation increased in the last few weeks. Christ, I have been obtuse to Dan’s well-being.

  Bram blew out a breath and acknowledged as he turned back to Jon. “You’re right, but you need to find a better way to manage Dan. You can’t go off half-cocked again. It is counter-productive.”

  Jon dropped his heat, too. “What do you suggest? Because, quite frankly, I’m all out of ideas.”

  Taking a calming breath, Bram thought a moment. “Have you tried speaking with him and asking what the problem is?”

  Jon snorted. “Dan, speak to me? Yeah, right. That’ll be the day.”

  Nick’s brow’s shot up. “So, you have not bothered to extend an offer to discuss your concerns?”

  Pinching his bridge again, Jon admitted to himself. No, I didn’t. With our history, Dan won’t open up to me, so I never considered conversing with him. Damn, I’m still misstepping with the rookie. Will I ever figure out how to deal with him or am I doomed to continue to fail?

  “You want me to try talking with him?” Bram offered.

  Shaking his head, Jon replied, “This is my mess. I’ll fix things. Dan and I will return to headquarters alone. I’ll attempt to talk to him.”

  Nick shrewdly redirected, “Talk with him, not to him. Focus on listening and not yelling. Give Dan a chance to accept you won’t jump down his throat, and he might surprise you by sharing his issues with you.”

  Jon nodded and strode toward the SUV. Never had he encountered another officer who affected him like Dan. Someone who riled him faster than a speeding bullet—a reminder of his little brother Joe. Jon accepted he must reel in his reactions, but he found it damned hard to change. His behaviors were rooted in concern for his team, the whole team, which included Dan.

  He opened the door, slid into the driver’s seat, and didn’t glance back. Jon started the ignition and corraled his emotions. “Dan, sorry I yelled and threatened your position on the team. You’re fatigued, and I’m concerned. Whatever is going on, you can tell me and … I’ll listen.”

  Jon put the truck in gear and started for headquarters. He followed Nick’s advice to the letter, he said his peace and extended the offer, and now remain quiet to listen. Dan’s lack of response didn’t surprise him.

  Halfway back, Dan still had not said a single word, so Jon checked the rearview mirror. Dan gazed out the window not bothering to make eye contact, and his body language sent a clear message. Dan doesn’t want to share with me.

  TRF HQ – Parking Garage – 4:30 p.m.

  Arriving, Jon shifted into park and cut the ignition. “Dan, we must clear the air. I understand you are pissed at me. Rightfully so, but we need to talk this out.” When Dan made no answer and didn’t exit, Jon turned around to peer at Dan. The rookie had not moved a muscle. He still stared out the passenger window. Odd. Jon’s gut churned as he quickly exited the driver’s seat and rounded the vehicle. Something isn’t right.

  When he got to the other side, he scanned Dan’s face and noted closed eyes. A smile grew, as Jon ambled to the rear of the SUV. The others were arriving.

  Jon went over to Nick as he stepped out. “I need someone to grab Dan’s keys and duffle from his locker.”

  “Why?” Nick questioned, as the team gathered.

  His grin firmly in place, Jon stated, “I’m right, Dan’s exhausted.”

  “So, he talked with you?” Bram asked.

  “Nope.”

  “How do you know then?” Bram wondered about Jon’s demeanor.

  Humor edging into his voice, Jon informed them, “Because Dan is sound asleep in the passenger seat. I think he fell into a deep sleep before we left the scene. I’m going to drive him home.”

  Nick smiled. “Okay, Jonny. I’ll tell Tia to route calls to other teams unless we’re needed. Once he is home, attempt to clear things between you two.”

  Jon nodded.

  Ray said, “I’ll be right back with his keys.”

  Mischief lit Loki’s features as he headed for Jon’s SUV. This opportunity would not be passed up. He pulled out his phone and snapped a photo before anyone stopped him. When he turned, Loki realized no one spotted his action causing him to snicker softly. Excellent. This is gonna be fun. I can’t wait to go home and put my idea together. This won’t be a prank per se, but as far as hazing Dan goes, this might be the best I can do. Loki quelled the urge to chuckle again as he returned to the group, his absence unnoticed.

  Lexa eyed Loki who appeared too happy. “What are you up to?”

  Giving her innocent eyes, Loki said, “Me? What makes you think I’m up to anything?”

  Bram chuckled. “Um, probably because whenever you have that oh so innocent expression, your devilish mind is whirling at top speed.”

  Loki started toward the building before his face gave him away. “Catch you inside for debrief. We all need to discuss my awesome bomb-defusing skills.”

  Lexa trotted after him. “Oh, do we now? A little of D
an’s cockiness seems to be rubbing off on you.”

  “What you call cockiness I call extraordinary skills,” Loki retorted.

  Bram caught up with them, and the three joked with one another, confident Boss and Jon would sort out whatever bothered Dan, and happy Jon appeared willing to make a concerted effort to mend fences.

  Ray returned with Dan’s keys and his go bag packed with the clothes Dan wore into work this morning. After handing them over to Jon, he and Boss headed inside as Jon climbed into the SUV.

  Introspection and Grief

  45

  May 26

  Dan’s Apartment – 5:00 p.m.

  Jon woke Dan from his nap in the backseat of the SUV. As expected, Dan turned a deep shade of pink with embarrassment. Jon tried to mitigate his discomfiture by saying they needed to talk and Dan reluctantly invited him to his apartment.

  Scanning the sparsely furnished apartment, Jon realized Dan purchased a couch, desk, second chair, TV, and table. He also unpacked the boxes stored in the corner when Nick and he found Dan the day the rookie failed to show for work back in November. The apartment now appeared as if someone actually lived here. This is a positive sign.

  Jon recalled the plethora of emotions he dealt with after discovering Dan deathly ill in a freezing apartment, which appeared unlived in, particularly since the rookie lived in the place for four months at that point. Jon counted that one in his Broderick failure column. Dan nearly died of bronchitis because none of them bothered to check on him for three days despite the symptoms manifesting during shift. Finding Dan here, with no heat, no electricity, and incapacitated, still ate away at Jon.

  Perhaps guilt and failure make me react harsher with Dan? Nah, more likely, the problem lay elsewhere. Are we two alphas sparring for territory? No, Dan obeys the chain of command, but he doesn’t pull his punches either. If he disagrees with my tactics, he is vocal, sometimes to the point of insubordination, but never crosses the line. Perhaps I’m not the negotiator I think I am since I still can’t read Dan.

  Realizing Dan smiled more lately, usually around Lexa and Bram, other thoughts flooded in. Loki made inroads. Hell, so did Nick and Ray. Why is this only a challenge for me? Only I appear to be having trouble connecting with him. I must alter my modus operandi, or I’ll drive him away from the team.

  Jon determined to give it his best effort tonight. He sat on the couch patiently waiting for Dan to return to the room. He sent him to change after deciding to pull Dan from the remainder of shift. The rookie is not in any condition to be working today. In Dan’s present state, any call would be too dangerous for him, and I will not risk a teammate’s life.

  Dan’s Apartment – Dan’s Bedroom – 5:15 p.m.

  Dan lingered in his room a bit longer than he needed. Hell, more than a bit. After changing, he rested on the edge of his bed trying to figure out how to explain falling asleep, on duty, in the backseat of the SUV, at the scene. Dan needed some explanation to offer which wouldn’t result in him getting kicked off Alpha Team.

  His eyes landed on his ivory-handled pistol on the bedside table. Dan endeavored to push the pain down as he had done many times before, but today it wouldn’t stay in its latched box. How could it? He struggled as his grief and remorse gnawed at him all day, overpowering his psyche. His attempts to keep his emotional upheaval at bay until he could be alone with his despair wearied him.

  Standing, Dan decided to face Jon’s lecture. I am many things, but I’m not a coward. If Jon kicks me off the team, then so be it. I gave this my best, and Brody can’t fault my effort. But if he cans my ass, it will be my third strikeout. The third time I have lost everything important to me. Three strikes and you’re out.

  If dismissed from TRF, great-grandfather’s pistol would go with him on his visit to Brody tonight, and he would end his suffering.

  Dan’s Apartment – Great Room – 5:20 p.m.

  Exiting his bedroom, Dan found Jon seated on the couch and went straight to his fridge, putting off the confrontation a little longer. “I have water or beer.”

  “Water for me, I’m still on duty, but you can have beer if you want.”

  Dan grabbed a water and a beer. He handed the water bottle to Jon before sitting in his black swivel chair. Dan waited tensely for Jon to speak as he twisted off the cap of his beer and took a swig. Setting his ale on the table, not wanting beer after all, he leaned forward trying to cover his uneasiness.

  Jon studied Dan, detecting something off in his behavior. His instincts, which had been screaming at him all week, had been right, but Jon must go slow and not mess up again. He took a drink and realized Dan probably didn’t catch his apology in the SUV.

  “I’m sorry I yelled and threatened your position on the team, Dan. You appear worn out to me. I’m concerned. If something is going on and you need someone to talk with, I’m willing to listen.”

  Stunned by Jon’s words, having expected a swift and loud set-down and to be fired, Dan didn’t allow his shock to show. I’m not off the team? Jon didn’t even mention my sleeping. Dan said, “Sorry about falling asleep.”

  Jon gave him a slight nod as he toyed with the plastic bottle. What is the best way to respond to his admission? Jon opted for, “It proves to me you’re tired and need rest. Dozing isn’t something you intended to do. I recognize it happened, and its implications.”

  Uncomfortable talking like this with Jon, used to the tactical lead yelling, Dan raked his fingers through his hair. He realized this version of Jonathan Hardy reminded him of Blaze … which shot a sharp pain through his heart.

  I lose everyone I care about. Sensing the prickle of hot tears, Dan blinked rapidly endeavoring to stop them. I refuse to cry in front of Jon again—once is more than enough.

  Dan clamped down hard on his mask and tried to remain impassive behind his shield, but the effort became too much as Jon waited for a reply … so like Blaze. “I’m not sleeping well,” he confessed, filling the void. He should’ve been able to hold out longer in the face of silence, but he was off balance today.

  “Want to talk about why?” Jon calmly inquired.

  Dan shook his head. “No. I’ll make sure I’m rested tomorrow. You’ll have no worries. I won’t let the team down.” Dan studied Jon for a reaction to his words but found his gunmetal gray eyes and placid expression hard to decipher.

  Internally, Jon raged. That’s not what I meant. You aren’t letting us down. Dammit, Dan, I’m worried about you! However, externally Jon paraphrased Dan’s words seeking the essence of the troubled man’s emotional state. “You are worried you will let down our team.”

  Jon astonished himself by using a Nick-eques technique. Not his typical type of remark or method for dealing with Dan. Nick and Bram must be rubbing off on me. The play of emotions crossing Dan’s face occurred so fast that if he blinked, Jon would’ve missed them. I’m on to something. Dan seems stunned by my statement.

  Dan stood abruptly and walked to the window. He wished they opened. He needed a calming breeze on his face. How do I respond?

  As he stared outside, Dan’s thoughts turned to Brody. He missed him, especially today. Last year, today, he let Brody and the rest of his unit down when he killed Brody. Am I concerned about letting them down? Hell, yeah!

  He dreaded a reality where one of them ended up dead on his watch. Something he did or didn’t do, something he failed to detect in time, or he reacted either too fast or too slow to save them. The fear preyed on his mind often. Dan had come to care for each of them … even Jon. They worked themselves behind the shields he erected to protect himself—like his unit—like Brody.

  Dan’s eyes shifted to his desk which contained only one picture. Him and Brody grinning like loons with arms over each other’s shoulders. Pain coursed through Dan’s core, shredding his fragmented heart again. Going to the desk, he lifted a photo. His extreme fatigue caught up with him as he peered at Brody. Dan sank down into the wooden chair, forgetting Jon sat on his couch.

  “I’m
so sorry. I let you down. You counted on me. You should be here now. We would be celebrating your thirty-second birthday today, but I killed you a year ago today. I should’ve known it was you before I fired. I miss you so much, brother …” Dan’s voice trailed off as the scabs covering the deep wounds on his heart and soul were once again ripped off, and he bled anew with anguish as grief consumed him.

  Jon’s face fell as he realized Dan spoke to Brody. At first, he thought Dan was continuing their conversation, so this time he remained quiet and listened, despite the perceived need to counter Dan’s statement. It was only after hearing his fourth sentence everything clicked into place.

  How could I have forgotten? Today is the first anniversary of Dan accidentally killing his best friend. And holy shit, it is also Brody’s birthday! No wonder Dan is not sleeping. The weight of guilt like this might easily crush a man.

  Comprehending he should proceed with extreme caution, Jon wished he could call Nick for advice or request Bram come over since Dan connected well with him. Scrutinizing Dan for some time as the wounded young man stared at the framed picture, it became clear to Jon that Dan didn’t realize he was still here.

  Dan appeared to be lost in a daze of sorts which might be due to lack of sleep. Jon acknowledged the rookie had been hard to rouse when they arrived and ascertained he must be bordering on exhaustion. The careless words he spoke earlier now haunted Jon. I harped on following orders, not questioning me, and told Dan he didn’t belong. What a callous jackass I am.

  Recalling the day Dan broke down in front of the team … a memory seared in his mind, Jon shook his head. I behaved like an inglorious bastard to Dan that day too. Dammit! Dan followed orders without question the day he shot Brody.

  I must fix this, and I can’t rely on Nick or Bram to clean up my mess. Dan is a teammate. I need to make this less personal and draw on my training to move carefully in troubled waters. Jon thought about how he would approach a distraught subject, then cleared his throat to alert Dan of his presence.