SOLACE: Behind The Shield (Beauty 0f Life Book 2)

by Laura Acton

Dan’s head whipped toward the sound. Jon? What is he doing on my couch? Dan’s tattered mind caught up, and he laid the snapshot in his lap. Damn, I’m making a fool of myself today.

  Quietly, Jon queried, “Are you planning on visiting Brody’s grave?”

  Dan only nodded.

  “Well, you’re in no shape to ride your motorcycle. I’ll take you and bring you home. You require some real sleep, so I am strongly suggesting you take a sleeping aid. You can come into work after you wake up,” Jon said.

  Befuddled, Dan stared at Jon. He couldn’t believe the words coming out of his tactical lead’s mouth. Dan blurted out, “I don’t have any sleeping pills anymore. I threw them out after the elevator mishap.”

  Jon stood, purpose written on his face. “We’ll make a stop on the way and pick some up. I’ll administer them for you, so there’s no repeat.”

  “Why are you doing this?” Dan asked as he rose and returned Brody’s picture to its place of honor.

  Choosing his words wisely, Jon answered, “Dan, you’re a member of our team. We all look out for one another. I’m not doing anything different than what any teammate would do for each of us—you included.” Jon peered directly at Dan, silently willing him to acknowledge his statement as truth.

  Dan struggled to accept Jon’s words. Does he genuinely think I belong? Am I no longer the unwanted member he must put up with? He searched Jon’s eyes searching for a hint of deception. He had been tricked before with devastating consequences to his mental stability. While held captive, in a place where he desperately needed someone to care, he fell for the slightest trace of concern or acceptance so many times. Every time he reached for what he believed had been a safe harbor, he paid the price in pain—ungodly pain.

  Dan didn’t trust his ability to read Jon, so he thought about Bram. Jon and Bram are best friends. Would Bram share such a deep relationship with someone deceitful? No I don’t think he would. Using Bram as his bellwether, because his capability remained compromised, Dan nodded. “Need to make one other stop if you don’t mind.”

  Relieved Dan accepted, Jon grinned. “Let’s go.”

  Green Acres Cemetery – Near Brody’s Grave – 6:00 p.m.

  Jon stood back at a respectful distance giving Dan privacy. A little surprised when Dan bought a mini-sized bottle of Jack Daniels, Dan assured him he wouldn’t be drinking any, thus quieting the concerns he had left unsaid about drug interactions. The whiskey was a gift for Brody’s thirty-second birthday—a tradition. Jon viewed Dan uncap the bottle, make some comment he couldn’t overhear from this distance, and pour the entire contents on Brody’s burial plot.

  As he observed, Jon thought about his brother Joseph. Perhaps he should visit Joe’s grave while here. It had been several years since he had come. Jon now realized many of his harsh actions towards Dan might be misplaced emotional reactions directed towards his younger brother.

  It gave Jon pause. Did my critical actions and words with Joe drive my brother to take risks continually? Did Joe buck me solely because he didn’t like being told what to do? What if I had backed off and approached the problem differently? Would Joe still be alive if I trusted him more and not pushed so hard?

  Jon pinched the bridge of his nose as pain welled. His questions would be forever unanswered. Life did not permit do-overs. He would not receive a second chance with Joseph … his brother’s death final and irrevocable.

  He would live without knowing whether things might’ve gone another way for Joe, or if Joseph would still be living if Jon altered his behavior. Just as Dan must live with the consequences of actions he took a year ago today.

  Turning back to check on Dan when sounds of weeping reached his ears, Jon stared as Dan’s shoulders shook. Torn, he debated his next move. Should I go to him or leave him be to mourn in private? I prefer to shed tears without an audience.

  Using his preference, Jon moved his gaze away from Dan. He focused his thoughts on the drive here. Dan had been habitually quiet but his distress seeped out around the edges of his firmly held shields. Jon understood Dan’s greif … he regarded Brody to be a brother in every way except blood.

  Heart-wrenching sobs continued to drift his way, and Jon, at last, absorbed a truth. Dan is only a man, not a robot soldier without feelings. The torment Dan expressed tore at Jon’s soul, and he recognized he had been so wrong about Dan, so incredibly wrong.

  Jon decided to give Dan more privacy and walked a little further away, but echoes of a tortured and grieving soul followed him. Perhaps Nick is right. When they became conscious of how dreadfully they treated Dan, Nick shared his fear that Dan quitting would not be how they would lose the rookie.

  Nick’s uncanny insight allowed him to perceive things the rest of them didn’t, and Nick sensed darkness enveloping Dan’s soul. Nick indicated Dan needed the team much more than they needed Dan. Jon discounted the remark at the time, but now he considered Nick’s intuition might be correct.

  Jon spent time examining the situation. Dan bears a heavy burden being aware he pulled the trigger and killed his brother, though ruled accidental. A millstone permanently tied to his back which he must carry each day. How would I feel if I unintentionally killed Joe or Jack? Would I be able to live with the guilt?

  Unsure, Jon did grasp that every lethal shot he took weighed on him, even those involving evil men. The pain which came from being responsible for a brother’s demise would be unbearable. Jon couldn’t fathom how Dan managed to stay sane after the friendly fire incident. As Dan’s anguished cries became difficult to bear, Jon walked towards Joe’s resting place, believing Dan would not accept any solace he offered.

  Green Acres Cemetery – Brody’s Grave – 6:15 p.m.

  After toasting Brody and pouring the JD on his grave, Dan could no longer hold back his tears. His anguish overwhelmed him, though he grasped Jon would hear him. What is one more embarrassment? The deluge of pain associated with all he lost a year ago today swiftly buried the thought.

  Lacking energy, Dan collapsed on his brother’s grave and allowed everything to pour out. He cried out his confessional … all his fears, pains, and longing for Brody … unsure he would make it through tonight. He needed peace, the siren call of the pistol became irresistible. Unable to bring the gun because Jon accompanied him, Dan decided his life would end in his apartment instead of here, next to Brody.

  The guilt became too much, suffocating him. An insidious thought took root in his shattered, illogical mind. I blew away Brody. Someday I will kill one of my team. They are not safe with me covering their six. I am more of a danger to them than a protector.

  As he lay on the grass, through watery, reddened eyes, Dan spied something tiny near Brody’s headstone. He reached out and picked up a miniature angel, no bigger than a plastic toy soldier. Dan closed his fist tightly around the object and moved his hand to his heart as fresh tears flowed.

  On the gentle, spring breeze, Brody whispered, “I’m watching over you. Everything will be okay soon, brother.”

  Lassitude took hold of Dan as he wept, pulling him into a restless slumber on Brody’s grave.

  Saving Dan

  46

  May 26

  Green Acres Cemetery – 7:15 p.m.

  Sitting at Joseph’s grave, Jon checked the time and with disbelief noted an hour passed. He had not intended to be this long. His only purpose in seeking his brother’s grave was to afford Dan privacy.

  As he approached Joe’s final resting place, he noticed the improvements to the grounds, including a wrought-iron bench. Shaded by the boughs of a young tree, the inviting seat offered seclusion and a quieting calmness. The zen-like quality drew him in.

  At first, Jon refused to allow the setting’s tranquility wash over him, he was here for Dan, not for absolution. He maintained the same stoic demeanor reminiscent of Joseph’s funeral. That day only Jen’s supportive touch kept his world from crumbling. His loving wife understood he hid his tears from others, prompting Jen to wrap her arms more ti
ghtly around him.

  Thinking of his brother as a slight pressure, like a hand on his shoulder, caused Jon to turn his head, half-expecting to find Joe. He sighed. Only a leaf which fell from the tree. Instead of wiping it off, he allowed his imagination to construe the foliage as the confident grasp of the brother he missed dearly.

  The thought opened his floodgates. He talked of work and other topics but saved the best for last, little Joey. He shared all the antics the little scamp participated in recently. Joey proved to be a daredevil, just like his father. Rising to leave and check on Dan, Jon wiped a stray tear away.

  His conversation with Joe, albeit one side, brought Jon additional insight. Don’t think I’ll mention this during the annual psych eval though. First, he needed to be more of an open book with his wife. Jon recognized he should seek her counsel and permit her in more often. She deserved more from him than he gave her.

  Second, he must make some adjustments with the team … trust them and allow them to see he cared. But that would be a fine line. I am not Nick … the leader with a soft side. I’m their tactical lead and need to hold them to a strict level of performance. My role requires me to be the bad cop to Nick’s good cop … the hard-assed leader.

  I’m comfortable in my position. Letting others in and revealing how profoundly things affect me is difficult. The thought made him snort. Damn, I possess shields like the rookie and hide behind them as effectively.

  Now, doesn’t that beat all? Me and the rookie are alike in this manner. Jon thought a moment and decided he and Dan shared a few other traits … bullheaded, protective, competitive, and first-rate snipers. He wondered what other characteristics they might share. If I can find common ground, I may be able to connect with Dan.

  Approaching the grave, Jon spotted Dan lying on the ground not moving. NO! He didn’t, he couldn’t! I didn’t hear a gunshot, but people commit suicide silently too. Lillian used sleeping pills. Jon sprinted fearing the worst.

  Jon crouched and sighed in relief when he established Dan only slumbered. The kid appeared wholly spent. Jon took several slow breaths to settle his racing heart and calm himself. He stood and backed away, not wanting to be close enough for Dan to read the fear still gripping his heart at the thought of Dan committing suicide. That alone would further complicate their dynamic. After placing sufficient distance between them, Jon called out, “Dan, time to go. It’s getting late.”

  Groggily, Dan opened his salt-crusted eyes. Crap! Today is getting to the point of total humiliation. Not only did I fall asleep in the SUV, go into a daze and forget Jon was there while I talked to Brody, and sob like a baby, now I’m sleeping on Brody’s grave while Jon waited for me. And on top of all this, I never perceived Jon’s approach. Shit! What must Jon think of me?

  Dan sat up, his face a blank mask, hiding his turmoil. “Sorry, Jon. I bet you want to return to your family. Sorry for taking you away from them tonight.”

  Jon stepped forward and reached out a hand to help Dan up. “Nothing to apologize for, Alpha Team is family, too.”

  As Dan took the proffered hand and stood, his groggy mind worked to absorb Jon’s words, unsure he comprehended accurately. Did Jon infer I am family? With his emotions too raw and being sleep deprived, he didn’t want to delve in and seek an answer at the moment. Using the last remaining vestiges of his discretion, he said, “I’m ready to go.”

  Jon nodded, and as they ambled out, Jon contemplated slinging his arm over Dan’s shoulders, but he remained uncertain how Dan would react. He didn’t want to do anything which would break this tenuous connection between them. One wrong move might break the fragile beginnings of a link.

  Dan’s Apartment – Dan’s Bedroom – 8:50 p.m.

  Jon released his grip, lowering the rookie on the bed. He stopped and bought Dan two burritos from a fast-food joint on the way here and ensured he ate them. When they arrived at his complex, Dan’s fatigue necessitated Jon’s aid to climb the stairs. Damned building’s elevator was on the fritz again.

  Briefly, Jon wondered why Dan put up with a building with constant problems, but swiftly refocused on the man sitting on the edge of his bed. “Stay right here. I’m gonna bring you water so you can take the sleeping pills.”

  He hurried to Dan’s kitchen and returned in less than a minute. Jon shook out the recommended dose, holding the tablets in his palm for Dan to take.

  Dan hesitated. “I’m not sure when I’ll wake up. They might knock me out for as much as twelve hours depending on my state of exhaustion.”

  Jon handed Dan the water. “Take them. Like I said, come in after you wake. If anyone asks, I’ll say you took time off for personal business. You don’t need to tell anyone why. I won’t even share with Nick if you don’t want me to.”

  Downing the pills first, Dan responded, “You can tell Boss, but—”

  “The others will remain unaware until you decide if you wish to say anything,” Jon finished Dan’s thoughts.

  Dan’s head turned to the nightstand.

  Jon’s gaze followed Dan’s and what he spied made his blood freeze. He comprehended he couldn’t leave the pistol within Dan’s reach tonight. His gut kept screaming at him to take the gun.

  But, if he did remove the temptation, Dan may believe he didn’t trust him. Jon struggled before finding words which didn’t divulge his worries. “Is this the infamous, ivory-handled Enfield No 2 Mk I revolver you told Lexa about?”

  Dan nodded. He caught Jon’s stiffening when he spotted the weapon. Dan squeezed the plastic angel still clutched in his hand. He had not realized he took it with him. He responded in a way he hoped would appease Jon. “Yeah, I should probably put my gun away.”

  “Do you own a locking gun case?” Jon asked nonchalantly.

  Dan shrugged. “No. I keep meaning to buy one.”

  Jon instantly latched on to the welcomed tidbit and an idea popped into his head. He grinned. “I got an extra one, but I’m not sure if this will fit. How about I take this with me tonight and try it for size? I’ll bring both to work with me tomorrow if it does.”

  “Don’t want you to go to any trouble. I can purchase one on my next day off,” Dan replied as he clasped the tiny angel tighter. He couldn’t put up too much resistance, or Jon would clue into his plans. Though he fought mightily to cope for a year, he reached his limit, and the cold darkness fueled by his guilt and pain enshrouded him. He wished to end his life, his pain, tonight.

  Picking up the gun, Jon ensured the safety was on before replying, “No trouble. The thing is sitting unused in my garage. Might as well put the safe to use. It’ll save you a trip to the store.”

  Shit! Jon is taking my gun, and I can’t stop him. Taking a deep breath in and holding it, Dan nodded. He exhaled gradually as a comforting warmth filled him. He responded sleepily, “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks, Jon.” He peered up at Jon with heavy-lidded eyes. “For everything.”

  Jon nodded, “Rest now. Catch you tomorrow, whenever you come in. I’ll lock up when I leave.”

  Dan lay his head on his pillow and kicked off his shoes, not bothering to change. The warm sensation surrounding him a familiar embrace … one reminiscent of how Brody held him when he desperately needed solace.

  His eyes closed and he imagined Brody whispering to him, “I’ve got you, brother. You can rest safe in my arms. Sleep now, Danny.”

  Dan let go and drifted off within moments.

  Stopping in the doorway, Jon sighed and gazed at the rookie. Dan is not the man I believed him to be. He is much more complicated. Dan possesses deep, troubled emotions which would try a man’s soul.

  Peering down at the gun in his hand, Jon again sighed. By taking this, he quite possibly saved Dan from committing suicide tonight. One thought he wished to keep to himself but recognized he must share his suspicion with Nick since the team’s safety was involved. He also understood the information would never go beyond Nick.

  Jon switched off the light. “Pleasant dreams, Dan.”

  Sara
skipped over to ‘her Danny’ and beamed. “What ya want to do tonight, Danny? We can ride bikes. I’m good at riding bikes because of you.”

  Dan grinned at his little sister then glanced at Brody, glad to be with them both. He suggested, “How about, yo-yos?”

  Brody grinned as he produced three yo-yos in his hand … green, yellow, and blue. Sara grabbed her blue one and handed Dan the yellow one. Brody laughed and said, “Don’t be mad if I hit you in the head again, Danny.”

  Chuckling both Dan and Sara moved a safe distance away from Brody as he put the string on his finger. Brody remained terrible at yo-yos, and Dan had a tiny scar, mostly hidden on his right eyebrow, which proved how bad.

  Dan slipped on his yo-yo and smiled as he did one trick after another. Sara begged him to show her how to do several of them. Happy to teach her, Dan laughed when Sara did them successfully after only a little practice.

  Sara’s giggles, as she did walk-the-dog correctly, filled Dan’s heart with joy.

  May 27

  Afghanistan – Remote Special Forces Base – 4:45 a.m.

  Millions of lights twinkled brilliantly in the inky blackness. Mason lay on the desert ground with his head resting on his pack. He selected the brightest star in the sky, Brody’s star, and a sad smile crossed his face. This diversion he picked up from Blondie and Brody … they did this often when the unit rested in the field at night.

  The anniversary of Brody’s death and birthday had been a hard day. Mason closed his eyes a moment … too many dates caused him sorrow. He lost many buddies over here, but each one of them gave their lives in an honorable cause. Warriors and guardians of the innocent who made a difference, making the world better by eliminating the evil perpetrated by man.

  But yesterday had been the hardest day of all. Brody’s bright beacon, his love of life, his capacity to persevere in the face of adversity and come out a better man was something to witness. Those qualities encouraged Mason to stay in the light. Merely knowing Brody made Mason a worthier man. The same could be said for Blondie. His drive, determination, and ability to surmount obstacles which would fell other men, never ceased to amaze Mason.